Gifts that keep on annoying

I have one last installment on All that is Annie. It has to do with birthdays and holidays. For years she and John would get gifts for the boys to give the other parent for birthdays, Mother's/Father's Day and Christmas. I am sure that worked when the boys were very young. It did not work so well when they were in their teens and both Annie and John had remarried. I brought it up to John. He said he agreed and he would talk to her about it. I said I thought the boys could do chores and work for extra money to buy gifts. For example, one Mother's Day they wanted to get Annie a gift card from a spa. They wanted it to be 100 bucks. This was before they could drive. I had them washing cars, cleaning the garage and doing yard work. I drove them to the spa and we got the gift card. They worked for it and got to experience the true feeling of gift giving. Annie would continue to buy what she thought John wanted for holidays. It irked me. I told John I felt it was inappropriate especially since they were both remarried. He wrote her an email explaining that they were both remarried, the boys were older and there was no need to continue the practice. She got pissed (he showed me her angry response). I kept quiet (until I got to the shrink's office). My counselor encouraged me and assured me that setting limits was the right thing to do. Recall the Christmas DVDs? Ugh...there were all kinds of gifts-- clothing, music cds, framed pictures of the boys, a cast iron pot (I kid you not--for gumbo, sha!)...the list is long. I look back and I realize how much I felt like a visitor in my own home. One birthday Annie came over with the boys and brought a cake and sat in the kitchen to celebrate. I had a conference call with people from other countries and it had to be at 8 pm to accommodate all the different time zones. I remember sitting in my office with my headset on and I was SMOKING PISSED. The more I think about it the more I realize I could devote a whole separate blog to being a step parent. 

So...the reason I delved into all this All that is Annie stuff is to give background as to why I didn't think her sending me pictures of the twins was totally innocent. I have such mixed emotions about her. I said it before and I will say it again...we bonded through all this shit. I would get shivers when she would tell me stories of seeing him wet his shirt to look like he had been working out or taping his phone calls. She would say, "That Son of a Bitch" in her melodic Baton Rouge accent when I would tell her my stories. He was (is) a true life monster. I don't remember if I blogged this already, but when I spoke to Pao live I told her to save my number. I told her that I promised in a couple of years she would be blindsided by him too. I told her the only person that will understand will be me. I promised her that I would not say "I told you so."

A walk down junk memory lane

I am thinking I could write a book on being a step parent. Writing this stuff has brought up some things I hadn't thought of in a while. Moving on to "The Camp". There was  a "camp crowd". Most were couples that had been friends with John since college. That also means they knew Annie and had attended weddings, baptisms, and holiday celebrations for 15-20 years. All born and raised in either Baton Rouge or New Orleans. Enter me...born and raised in Florida. Never had a "boil" or ate crawfish. I sounded like a "Midwest Newscaster" according to a Cajun oil rig worker I sat next to on a plane one morning...

• Dan and Maria: Dan worked with us. I still can't decide if he is a good guy or an ass. He was the only one from the group that checked up me after I moved to Florida. My friend Debra made the astute comment--Dan is the longest relationship John has ever had. Maria never tried to get to know me. I did not have biological children so I had no value. She would talk down to me. She would come in the kitchen and show me how to cut tomatoes. She bored me to tears. Dan used to out the moves on women at work meetings. I am fairly certain he is cut from the same cheetah print cloth that John is cut from.
• Mick and Laura: Mick liked me. He did call me while I was still in Louisiana and told me how sorry he was. Laura called me and cried. Still they were the people that stuck with John when he cheated on Annie. They never checked on me again. Laura is buds with Maria. Their conversations made me want to scream. I used to feel like I was gasping for air.
• Todd and Natalie: Todd is the DA for Springfield Parish. A local celebrity of sorts. He is a decent guy. One day we were all out at the pool. I got up to go to the bathroom, Natalie said, "Penelope, bring me a diet coke when you come back." Yessa Massa. WTF? I had fantasies of wearing a maid's uniform when they would come out. Maybe I should have just peed in the pool.

I can't tell you how many times I heard references to the fun times they had with Annie. One day in the pool Laura admitted to me that they were all skeptical of me because I was "another one of John's women." She then told me she saw how the boys loved me and realized I was "different than the others." Gee, thanks.

We would go out there almost every weekend. This meant feeding and entertaining. (Translation, Penelope going to grocery and paying. Penelope making food with my new "friends" sitting at the bar stools critiquing. John making daiquiris and being Mr. Party). Oh my...I have forgotten how bad it sucked. At least they would clean up. I used to beg John to have a quiet weekend. His reply, Baby, these are our friends..." I learned how to host a boil and I can eat crawfish like I was born on the bayou. It is a barbaric affair where newspapers are laid out on the patio table and potatoes, corn and crawfish are poured out. Everyone stands and eats. Have you ever gnawed on a potato while standing? There would be serious discussions on the price of a bushel of crawfish. Were they better at the boil at Alan's last week or at Bobby's the week before? I would want to impale myself on a rusty fork! In retrospect I think it must look like a creepy scene from Lord Of the Flies...

Oh, but this is not the theme of this post. Annie would have weekends at the camp. It was while we weren't out there BUT...She would bring her friends. It was creepy weird. There's our bathroom with my stuff under the sink (hairdryer, tampons, makeup, etc) , the master bedroom with my clothes in the closet and dresser...our bed. YUCK! I told John I felt like it was not respecting the boundaries of our marriage. I felt like it blurred things for the boys. It took a while and John finally  agreed. He had to tell her that things had changed. I never asked how the conversation went. All I wanted was to not feel like a visitor in my own life!

Have you ever looked back at a chapter in your life and wondered how you kept from screaming?

Junk Memories--Pyramid Marketing Schemes

I promised I would continue with pyramid marketing schemes, the camp and birthdays. Here goes with Pyramid Marketing Schemes:

• Pyramid Marketing Schemes: I have one word, Arbonne. I am fairly confident you all have a friend, family member or co-worker that has tried to sell it to you. Penelope disclaimer--if you sell Arbonne, please don't be offended. I am writing about my experience with Annie selling it. It all started with Annie telling me she was starting to use a great new skin product line. That she had spent money on Obagi and never got results like she got with Arbonne. She said she would give me a starter kit. I told her I was fine with what I was using. I had never heard of Arbonne, but I knew I sounded like some bullshit. I had a facial appointment the next week. I told my girl about it. She died laughing and said that all her clients were asking her about it. She researched the company and it was a typical pyramid deal. I went home and googled it. I was amazed at all the negative posts about it. Mother's Day rolls around. I get a gift bag from Annie. It is the frickin Arbonne Starter Kit!!! She had a lovely note thanking me for being a wonderful step mom to the boys AND an order form for products. Walk to garage, open door, open trash bin, toss bag and contents, go to phone and call Sulie, laugh hysterically. A month goes by and I get an email from Annie asking me if I wanted to order. She has attached a picture of a nasty before and after foot picture that supposedly shows the amazing results of Arbonne. Thanks to google I just found the pictures online!:

I got a solution for nasty ass feet like that--take a shower and scrub them. God, nasty! Needless to say, there was no ordering from me. Instead I forwarded the email to my esthetician for her amusement. She forwarded to her entire spa. It ended up on the breakroom wall.

• Arbonne lost out to a mortgage pay off scheme. John tells me one night that he is going to watch a video on paying off your mortgage really fast. I handled the bills and I would always make extra payments when I could. I had read about what to do to pay your mortgage off in less time. He tells me that Annie is now selling a program where you can pay off a 30 year mortgage in 5 years. I bust out laughing. John says he thinks it sounds good and he is interested. I ask how much this "program" costs. He says, $3,500. I say I have a better idea--send that to Chase. That night at dinner one of the twins tells us that, "Mom wanted me to make sure you are going to her dinner program tomorrow." OMG--she is now using her kids to promote the latest, wacko get rich scheme! I smile and say thank you to H. After dinner I tell John I have no interest in spending my night off listening to a huckster. He gets mad and says I should be more open minded.
• Facial Peels: Now she sells some type of facial peels at "Peel Parties." Lawd.

Another Penelope Disclaimer: Annie was wonderful to me after the whole John debacle. I am recounting our history to put some color on why I felt weird when she just sent me pictures of the boys. As I look back, I realize I could have done a blog on being a new step mom. Now that is a whole other talkshow!

Junk Memories

I'm going to give you some background on my relationship with Annie through the years. It will help make more sense why I questioned motive of her sending the twin's graduation pictures.  

Let's see...John and Annie had 50/50 custody. The boys would come home from school on Friday to our house, be at our house the entire week and get off the bus at Annie's the following Friday. I had met Annie while we were dating. It was a day when we were dropping the boys off at their Grandmother's (Annie's Mom) in Baton Rouge. She and her Mom came out and were really nice. Her Mom hugged John (I took this as a good sign and recall at the time John had told me the marriage ended because they had "just grown apart").

I'm going to bullet point things to keep the timeline straight in my mind:

• Meet in Baton Rouge. Annie looked me up and down and seemed to be very interested in my shoes. I forgot what I had on but you know they rocked!
• Lots of phone calls from Annie to John while we were together. Especially when he was down here visiting me for the weekend. Often the subject of the call would be something non-urgent. One time it was buying new sneakers for the boys. I once asked John if she knew he was in Tampa. He replied, "yes, I always let her know when I come down her in case anything comes up with the boys." The calls would be at all times throughout the weekend. I recall thinking, "I wonder why she is calling about benign things that can hold until Monday?" She would also do this if we were on vacation. It bugged me, but this was the first time I had dated someone with kids.I remember asking John about it. I said something like, does she have to call while we are together if the subjects are not burning? I said I totally understood that the boys would (and should) call whenever they wanted to talk to him, but his ex wife while we were on vacation? He got defensive and told me his boys came first. I was nipped.
• Moving on to when we decided to get married. I had gone to Lafayette several times to go house hunting. John was renting a house from...you guessed it! Annie. We made an offer on a home that was almost finished. It was going to be in the Parade of Homes and the builder was using this one to really sell his work. It was so exciting. The upstairs was perfect for the boys. J would have his own room. The twins would share a room (they always ended up in each other's room at night anyway), there was an office area to do homework and there was a huge bonus room that we had finished as a playroom. Our wedding was in March. The house would be complete one month later. The Parade of Homes was the first 2 weekends in April. The builder had his designer stage the house for the parade. I would move from Florida after the parade. John wanted to surprise the boys. He had told them we were looking for a house, but didn't tell them we had closed on one. On the first Saturday of the parade he took them to a couple of houses. When they got to ours they were saying how much they liked it. He said, "that's great because this is your home!" It was fun--they called me and it was really exciting. I had not seen the completed house yet since I was still in Tampa and dealing with selling my house (this was during the time that bidding wars start before the sign is in the yard. Oh those were the days...) John would send me pictures of the house. I couldn't wait. The next weekend I get an email from Annie telling me how beautiful the house was.  She had gone to the parade and been in the house before me. Call me a bitch, but it bugged me. She started telling me how the designer decorated it and what she thought. I said thank you and swallowed my pissed-off-ness.
• John's birthday is in June (recall he is the epitome of everything bad about a Gemini!). On the morning of his birthday we were in bed and I had brought him his presents. He had gotten a call and he played the VM on speaker thinking it was the boys. It was Annie and her sister singing Happy Birthday. Annie says "Happy Birthday Sweet John." Thank goodness we had already fucked because hearing that dried me right up, if you know what I'm saying and I THINK that you do...
• Several months after I moved there I was in my office doing some computer work. I had taken a shower and had on a robe and my hair in a towel. I heard some talking in the kitchen. It was just me and John there. I creep into the hall and listen. I hear Annie's voice. John tells me to come out and say hello. She's sitting at the island sipping a coffee. WTF? I'm there in a robe with my hair in a turban. I smile and wave and say I need to get ready for work. Similar things happened over the next 2 months. One of the twins rented a movie at Blockbuster and took it to our place. She goes over there while we are gone (the boys had a code they punched in on the garage to get in) and goes upstairs and looks for it in the playroom.  I find out she used the code and went in. Now THAT pissed me off. I told John it was our home and there needed to be boundaries. He agreed and asked her not to do it again. She said she had a late fee at Blockbuster and it needed to be returned...
• The clincher was Christmas. The gift from the boys to John was all the videos from when they were babies/toddlers/elementary were converted to DVD. On the front of each DVD there were still shots of the theme--baptism, birthdays, etc. There were something like 15 DVDs. I can't tell you how many had Annie on the front. The boys were so excited. They loved seeing movies of when they were little with both their Mom and Dad together. Girl, I talked to my close friends. Everyone agreed this was not an innocent gift. One Saturday while John was golfing I got out the DVDs to watch. There was the sonogram of the twins, Annie videoing a new house, her talking to John and calling him "Papa" and "Babe". I had been an new wife and step mom for 6 months. As I got to probably the 6th DVD I was sitting there with tears rolling down my face. The twins in the kitchen banging pots, J running through the house asking "when are the babies getting here?" with John and Annie talking to him. I felt like a voyeur. I felt like an outsider. It sucked. When John got home from golf I told him how the DVDs upset me. I was expecting understanding. Instead I got anger, "how can you be mad that she gave me a priceless gift of videos of my boys?", he yelled. I told him he was missing the point. That she was in 80% of the videos and her voice was in all of them. He said, "fine, I'll put them away." It was tense. 
• I realized at that point I needed someone to talk to. I looked at counselors available on my insurance. I picked one that did not have a name that ended in -eaux and called her. My first question was "are you from Louisiana?" She said "no, Illinois." Sold! I made an appt. Sharon was no Lynn, but she really helped with the struggles of being a new step mom. I told her about the DVDs and asked if I was being unreasonable. I'll never forgot her response, she put down her pen and put her hands in her lap. She said, "Giving those DVDs under the guise that they are from the boys was incredibly narcissistic." Wow. I thought she would say something like, "oh she meant well."
• Many of my appointments with Sharon revolved around setting limits with both Annie and John. I had to deal with a request to watch her dog for 3 days while she and her husband went on vacation. My answer was I didn't think it was a good idea and she should board him. Annie would call John and ask for help setting up new TVs, installing fans, you name it. I would ask what Rickie thought (Annie's husband). John would reply that he wasn't very "handy."

I just looked at the clock and I need to seize the day. I could type for hours. What I listed above goes from April of 2005 to around February of 2006. The next chapter will consist of pyramid marketing schemes, the camp and birthdays. Stay tuned.

Penelope disclaimer--Annie has been great to me after the whole Pao thing. I think we were like 2 soldiers that had been through the same war. We shared the PTSD of John and that was our common ground. However, there is some pathology there!

Mental Junk Mail

Today I came home and got the mail out of the mailbox:

• Oprah mag--good
• Those stupid checks from Discover that they send every week and I keep shredding them
• Electric bill
• Card from Annie

I walked in the door and was greeted by a happy dog that was raring to go for a walk. I tossed the mail and opened the card from Annie. She wrote:

Hi Penelope,

Just a note to say hello!

I know the boys were a BIG part of your life at one time. I wanted you to have a picture of their senior portraits.

Love you,

Annie

Two pictures fell from the envelope. The twins looked like man version of the little boys I met 6 years ago. I stared at the pictures. I wondered if they knew she sent me a card. One of the twins looks just like John. I felt my eyes fill with tears. They were sad/bad/mad tears. Daisy yipped a come on let's GO yip! I headed out and walked with the little dog pulling me forward. I wondered about Annie's motivation. I thought about how many of you commented after the video thing on Mother's Day. 

Now what do I do? An email saying thanks for sending the pictures? They made me sad and I don't know what to do with them other than stuffing them in my desk drawer. Or just ignore it? (not my style). Ugh...

This Blog will Self Destruct in 5 Minutes

Okay, I have tried to stay away from blogging about cheating. But I-JUST-CAN'T-STOP-MYSELF! Today I heard about a new app for cell phones called Tiger Tracks™ (it felt good to use the ™...it's been so long). It is an app that deletes the texts as soon as the receiver reads it. It is so Mission Impossible. Perfect for the Cheater who has everything. Don't know what to buy the Liar for their birthday? Try Tiger Text™!

http://www.tigertext.com/

Okay and what about Jesse James checking in to rehab (rumored to be Sex Rehab). He doesn't need rehabilitation, he needs self discipline. You all know that I love Sandra Bullock. I read that he had unprotected sex weeks after he married her (sound familiar?) I hope she kicks his nasty, tattooed ass to the curb with the trash!

Sex Addiction? Whatever. I am so tired of that being used as an excuse for cheating. Segue...I have corresponded with Annie over the last month (mother of John's boys). I don't feel right delving into this too deep, but that poor woman has been undergoing major therapy because she having backlash from the ManGroomer. Her husband (who is a gem) was transferred to Houston a few months ago and has been commuting until the twins graduate next month. Annie has been having major trust issues. Not because of her husband but, because of the numerous times John cheated on her. She had to list the top 10 worst events in her life for her therapist. 8 of them were John related (this is from a woman who has lost 2 siblings to cancer and her father is deceased). She has been doing similar work to what I do with Lynn of replacing the shitty memories with good memories. How sad is it that this is still coming up for her? She's been divorced from him for 15 years.

So...to tie this post up with a nice little bow--just like the messages on Mission Impossible, I wish memories of AssClowns would self destruct in 5 minutes!

How Annie Dealt with The Liar

I wrote the post on the Five Love Languages a couple of hours ago and it made me think of Annie. In case you are wondering, I have not sent her the link to this blog. She was so wonderful to me, but I know hearing the stories about John had to make her relive the horror of the shit he did when they were married. He must look for similar types in women (Pao is an outlier). You will see what I mean when I tell her story. Here is Annie's tale--while reading this, hear her voice with a thick Baton Rouge accent:

The boys were all toddlers--the oldest was about 3 and the twins were about 18 months old. Annie was a nurse and she worked the night shift, while John was a coach and chemistry teacher at a middle school. Annie sensed things weren't right. John would go out "running" by LSU for hours. She would find him on the phone late at night (this was way before cell phones). One night he went out to "play racquetball".  Annie decided to take a bath and noticed he was gone a really long time. Their house was built in a way that she could see the driveway from the master bath window. She heard him drive up. Annie crept to the window to peek out. She saw John take off his shirt, turn on the outside faucet and he wet his shirt. He wrung it and then put it back on. That pig was faking sweat on his shirt! Annie waited. When I asked her how she kept it together she told me,"I had 3 little babies to take care of." This was in the day of the old caller I.D. boxes. She rigged up the box to the phone and hid box and the extra wires under the sofa. She saw repeated phone calls from the girls coach that worked at the same school as John. Annie then bought a machine to tape phone conversations. She was gathering evidence. This was Mama Bear protecting her cubs. On Christmas morning, Annie walked in exhausted from working the night shift in labor and delivery. She asked John to go to her Mama's (I am using Annie lingo) with the boys. She said she would shower and be over in the next couple of hours. Annie sat down to listen to the tape. She heard them plan when to get together next. Previous tapes had proven that John had met the other woman when he had the boys with him and she had been to the house (sound familiar?) This tape was the one that sent Annie over the edge-- John complained about having to go to Annie's family home for Christmas with his 3 little boys. Annie called John at her Mama's and told him the toilets were overflowing and that he needed to come home immediately to help her (she faked sounding upset that her home was getting flooded). She asked that he leave the boys with her sisters. When John got home he rushed into the kitchen to find Annie dressed and calmly sitting at the kitchen table. She had the tape recorder queued and ready. She hit "play" and watched John's face turn white and he heard his lover and himself talk about their next meeting. She told him to (again, say with STRONG BR accent), "pack your shit and get the hell out of my house."

Annie told me this story several days after I read the text. I could feel myself wanting to be sick. I was married to a man that would do this to the Mother of his children. They boys were babies! He had the woman to their home! It was the first moment of clarity...this had nothing to do with Annie, or me, or even Pao. John was  sick.

I admit, I went back and forth with the thoughts of --what did I do wrong, why didn't I see, wasn't I thin enough, young enough?....in the end it all came down to John. I say that to everyone that is in a similar situation. Do whatever it takes to stop those questions. I could have been 120 lbs, with huge fake boobs, and 15 years younger. It wouldn't have mattered. (Penelope disclaimer--please don't think what I just described is what I think is the ideal woman). I must still be cute because truck drivers still honk at me.

Can you imagine being Annie? Seeing that ASS CLOWN at school functions? ugh. She once told e that John will always be in her life because of the boys. She said this with complete dread.

I usually try to tie up my posts with a pretty bow. I don't have one for this...oh yes, I do! Annie married a great guy 5 years ago. He speaks her love language!