Monday, August 30, 2010

The Big Uneasy

I just got home from seeing The Big Uneasyhttp://www.thebiguneasy.com/




I am speechless. Without words. 

Well...not totally. You all know I lived in Louisiana when I was married and I lived there when Katrina hit. I was fortunate that I was in Lafayette and our home was safe. Only the camp suffered and it more from Rita than Katrina. That didn't matter. It was not our primary housing. The Big Uneasy is running in theaters today only. For those that live on the gulf coast, memories of August 29th, 2005 are kind of like 9/11. Everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing. I was at home with the boys and John was playing golf on Saturday the 27th. I asked him not to go as he left to meet his friends. I got a "Baby, it will be alright, just a little wind." One of the twins was paralyzed with fear all morning as he watched the weather channel. I texted John and asked him to come home. I did not get a response. I then called him on his cell. I calmly told him his boys were scared and only their their father (lower case "f" intended) was going to make them feel safe. He got pissed. He reluctantly agreed to come home.  RED MUTHA FUCKIN FLAG! 

But enough about The Artist Formerly Known as My Husband™. This movie is about courage. Harry Shearer (guy in movie picture above)-- you may know him as the voice(s) on The Simpson's and my cool kat readers will recognize him as one of This Is Spinal Tap guys. "Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?" 

Seriously, Harry Shearer does a great job of making the point that this was a man made disaster. Certainly, the gulf coast was devastated by nature, but what happened in New Orleans could have been prevented. I've watched numerous documentaries on this. I feel like I could point at a map and go through all the breaches on the levees. What really got me about this movie was the courage several people had to come forward and tell the truth. Scientists and Engineers used their own funds and jeopardized (some lost) their jobs to investigate. 

I encourage everyone to watch this movie. 

I was heartbroken to count 9 people in the theater at the 7pm showing in St. Pete. There was probably some Dancing with the Biggest Loser Idol on TV tonight...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

When Yes means No....

A few days ago I was at a function where one of my friends said, "What are you doing Saturday night?". Shit. That is the moment I try to think fast while arranging my face in the Truth Telling Look™...I stammer, "I think I'm going to dinner with..." She says, "Get out your phone and look, I'm having people over for drinks then we are all going to Ruths Chris." Again, shit. She peers over my shoulder as I scroll through my calendar. All I have listed on that day is Yoga and to check my hot tub. What kind of Type A wacko puts "check hot tub" in their calendar? I always hit ignore because I've already checked the chemicals yet I never take it out of my calendar...I smile and say, "that sounds great.". Shit. That sounds great? Ruth's Chris is a place I go to when work is paying. I eat steak about once a quarter and I always curse myself the next day. Not because I feel bad for the cow. Because it makes me feel like shit. The group involved have a strong relationship with alcohol and lots of it. And they are all...older. I am silently calling myself names as I enter it in my phone, "Why are you such a pussy?, You will be the youngest one there, You hate Ruth's Chris, No wonder you're single..."

As the time ticks away on Saturday I started to think of all the other things I could do on Saturday night. I picked up the phone and called my friend. She answered the phone, "Hello Cutie!". Have I said SHIT enough in this post? Shit. I am a firm believer in not lying. I told her that I had over extended myself and I would catch up with the group at a later date. She said "definitely" and "thanks for calling" in her happy voice and it was all fine.

My alternate plans were to go to Ella's Folk Art Cafe for dinner and music. I wore jeans and drank a beer from the bottle while listening to music. I flirted with the singer who was probably half my age and had some mean looking groupies with dreads across the room. I smiled as I watched a young girl dance with a hippie toddler (who was bare foot and Lawd knows what was on that floor...)

Next time I will not have to search for my Truth Telling Face™ when asked to do something that doesn't sound sound like something I want to do. I do enough stuff that I don't wanna, but I haveta (job, litter box, laundry, etc).

I am only going to say "yes" if my heart says "yes" first. I'll save the Truth Telling Face™ for emergencies!


Penelope on Mad Men



There I am meeting Don Draper after a hectic day of shopping...

Friday, August 27, 2010

Thong or Spanx?

Today I speaking before a large group on behalf of the American Cancer Society. As I selected my foundation (i.e. my underwear), I thought to self, "self, do I wear a thong under my dress or Spanx?" I am going to be in front of lots of people and there may be photos. A comfy thong or an up to the bra, suck the life out of you, but make you look 15 lbs lighter Spanx? Which shall it be?

God I hate Spanx.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

LinkedIn with the Past

LinkedIn is almost as bad as Facebook. Here's why...last night I got this email from an old work friend:


Here u r again with John. When are u gonna stop it???

Sent from my iPhone



Keith

Begin forwarded message:



 
LinkedIn Network Updates Aug 17 - Aug 24   FEATURED UPDATES
   
PROFILE
  • Penelope Web   has an updated profile (Experience) 
  • Pat Thompson has an updated profile (Experience, Education) 
  • John Vienna Sausage  is now Director-Outreach Development at XYZ Hospital 


I changed some names to protect the innocent (i.e. ME), but you get the idea. What are the chances that I'm in the same update as fuckwad? So I click on John's profile and see he has recommended a woman we used to work with--what do you make of this?:


J is a highly qualified sales professional with exceptional knowledge in various disease states. J’s ability to provide solutions and insight into the treatment and management of various medical conditions has been invaluable to me. She is clear, accurate, and prompt when providing information on the constantly changing healthcare environment. Her dedication to quality customer and patient service is without reproach.” June 30, 2010 


A little background on J. John once told me that she "put the moves" on him at a meeting. I asked him if they had been together. He said no (this was before we dated). I think that recommendation answered my question. J was one of those super tan, works out all the time, implanted, botoxed types. I almost fell off the chair when I read that recommendation. She once asked on a conference call if a Veteran's Hospital is a government account. Let me repeat, is a Veteran's Hospital a government account? Lawd.

"without reproach"???? I think I just peed my pants....

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Top 10 Fidiots

Here's a list of the Top 10 People I don't want to see or hear about anymore (not in any particular order):

  1. Lady Gaga
  2. Russell Brand
  3. Rick Scott
  4. Bill McCollum
  5. Angelia Jolie
  6. Any Snooki/Jersey Shit
  7. Anyone with the name Kardashian
  8. Lindsay Lohan
  9. Who is Heidi Montag and WHY does anyone care? By the way, her plastic surgeon died because he as texting while driving (and drove off a cliff). NO TEXTING and driving. Have I mentioned that technology will be the downfall of humankind?
  10. "Dr. " Laura
#3 and 4 are just two of the losers running for the GOP nomination for governor in Florida. Their mud slinging is the worst I've ever seen. The rest are no talent fiodiots (fucking idiots) that I can't avoid on the front of magazines. 

I have anger issues...

Operation Get Rid of Golden Handcuffs™

I have the Monday Morning Blahs---and it is not even 10:00 a.m. on Sunday. That is a
PROBLEM.

I started to think about what I can cut out/do myself/stop wasting $$$ on. I need to put Operation Get Rid of Golden Handcuffs™ in place:
  • Bi-Weekly Mani/Pedi   $110
  • Bi-Weekly House Cleaning $190
  • Bi-Weekly Daisy grooming down to 1X/month  $50
Things that I can't imagine the savings if I cut back, but they are BIG:
  • Go to the library instead of buying every book that interests me
  • Food. Oh the eating out of it all. I know I spend more than 10% of my income (a number that Michael Pollen always quotes for food) on food.
  • Mutha Fuckin Cable (actually it is FiOs, but who cares?). I don't even want to admit what I pay every month for phone, internet and TV. It has 3 digits in it. It pisses me off, but not enough to get rid of HBO.
  • Facials and massages. Okay, now I am feeling a bit panicky. 
If I am conservative in my estimate, I think I could cut back on ~ $750 a month. That is a lot. About 10k/year.

I already started. I did my own toes last night and they look good. I was in control of what was used on my body and I didn't have to listen to Vietnamese or have idle chit chat when in was not in the mood to talk.  I have discontinued my lovely house cleaning guy. I don't have to put up my breakables anymore and my house is always clean. Sulie loves to give Daisy a bath. She actually offers when she is here. It is really easy and it takes less than 10 minutes. I will not take over doing her toenails--Daisy don't play that.


Be Gone!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

End of Days

I love Post Apocalyptic books and movies. Creepy...perhaps. I love Margaret Atwood, Cormac McCarthy, and I just started to read the Susan Beth Pfeffer books. It freaks my sister out. We were in my favorite bookstore today, Inkwood, and they had a table set up titled, "Dystopia". I was in heaven. My sister physically recoiled from the table. 

My friends laugh at me and my "End of Days'' pill stash. I didn't take much of the pain meds I was given after my back surgery. It is ridiculous how much they give you. I had a root canal 6 months ago. More hoarding. I have them (along with my post divorce Xanax stash with convenient refills) hidden away. 

Years ago I went to Germany with a couple of nurse friends. One sane. One crazy. We went to Dachau. I can still see the sign over the gate that read "Arbeit macht frei", which translates to "work makes free". It made my stomach turn back in 1994 and it makes me feel sick thinking about how no grass grew in that place. I was walking through Dachau with my friends and we had just seen the gas chambers. I was crying and my one travel companion (the crazy one) said, "Dude, if that was me I would have killed myself before it got to that." She continued to make weird comments about death and what happened to the Jewish people. Long crazy story...let's just say The Punisher™ was alive and well in Germany in 1994. She pissed me off and I went off on her at 0300 a.m. in Munich. 

Here I am 16 years later and I don't think I am the forage for canned goods, survival type. My Mom told us that my Dad was going to build a underground shelter during the Cuban Missile Crisis. That is so 60s. It always made me laugh (in a nervous way). I watched Book of Eli recently. I can't imagine living in fear every moment of the day. It brings out the ugly side of humans. That's what makes the books and movies entertaining to me. I lived in Louisiana during Katrina. People acted like animals. It is the creepy side of humans that comes out when survival is threatened. The book I am reading now--Life As We Knew It is meant for young adults. It is pretty mild compared to Margaret Atwood et al. It is written from a 16 year old girl's perspective. I read about the things that scare me--no electricity, no cell phone, no way to get food and it makes me appreciate things. I know it sounds like fucked up logic, but it does. Today I got pissed that my cable remote was not working. What an asshole. 

I'm not stocking up on canned pears and kindling or buying ammo. One thing I do know is that if anything happens, the people that rummage through my house will be in oral hygiene heaven. When I worked for Johnson and Johnson one of the benefits was the "Company Store". You could order J&J products at a super discount. Dental Floss was a quarter. I have enough floss under my bathroom sink to last until the second coming...

Untamed Va-Jay- Jay

This is what greeted me from the magazine rack as I checked out in CVS today...


Don't tell me that The Bush is Back! I've spent way too much time and money on  coiffing mine. That shit just ain't civilized. I feel that Cosmopolitan is a mullet wrapper. I didn't bother to pick it up and read the wisdom that I am sure the article contained. 

I think Jessica Alba is beautiful. I am sure her Va-Jay-Jay (GOD, I hate that term) is not out of control.

I am also drawn to the article that is titled, "The Touch That Calms Him During a Fight." I wonder what that is? Perhaps it's a hand job?

What Happeneninnned

Nothing. Well, not much.

First, I sat on the inside seat in the booth. Not optimal seating when putting self out there. It wasn't as busy as usual. Not sure why. The cutest team (also in first place) "Sexual Chocolate" was there. The questions seemed easier. Examples:

  • Where is Warren Buffet from (and he still lives there)? Omaha. Been there. The rep I was working with drove me by his house. Nothing fancy. 
  • Who played the lawyer in The Godfather? Easy. Robert Duvall.
  • Thought we had this one but screwed it up--name 7 of the rooms in the game "Clue"...I'll give you time to think on this one.
A guy came up to our table to chit chat. He was interested in someone. Not sure. He came up after a bonus question was asked of what trivia participant had gone on a date with Troy Donahue? The answer was Peggy, Polly's Mom! Who knew? She quietly told us he was "a jerk." She said it with the same face and tone that a 20 year old now would say, "He was a fuckin' DICK!" Interested guy had a class ring on his ring finger. Ew. 

I know, I'm hard work.



The rooms were---study, kitchen, dining room, ballroom, library, billiard room, conservatory, lounge and hall. 

Meet Ups

Many of you may be familiar with Meet Ups. They have really taken off in the last couple of years. The description on the website is: 

Helps groups of people with shared interests plan meetings and form offline clubs in local communities around the world.

Look at this little gem that was sent to me last week. It initially caught my eye because the picture contains one of my favorite wines to drink on a hot summer day--Sokol Blosser Evolution. 15 bucks when I want to splurge at Fresh Market, but I digress...back to this Meet Up:


I can't stop laughing! Not only are they liberal, but they are atheist AND child free! My mind is racing with the  meet up groups I want to start:

  • Tampa Area Bitter Single Women that Like to Tie One On Group
  • Tampa Bay Do I Really Have to Continue to Work at this Bullshit Job and Deal with Assholes I'd Rather Stay Home and Read Books Fuck All of You Group
  • The Florida Fuck Its Group
Going back to that page--here's one of the guys that RSVP'd:

Rob--Existential atheist, childfree, Johnny Walker lover here. I'll checkout the meetups depending on time/place. Music is my other big motivator--the next hardest thing to find here.We need an atheist EDM/trance group so I go to The Castle until then.

This guy needs to start his own Electronic Dance Music, Scotch Drinking, Atheist Group! The Castle is a bar in Ybor City (historic neighborhood in Tampa where they made cigars back in the day). Used to be cool, now it is overflowing with undesirables. I have not been to The Castle since 1996ish. Perhaps I need to get on down there to meet eligible young men like Rob...




Friday, August 20, 2010

Comfortably

I saw this today during the previews at the movies. Pure genius...

No regrets

I saw "The Switch" today. I LOVED it. Jason Bateman is my new ideal man. Joe Dubois needs to watch out. One moment while I google a picture...

Oh yeah...that's what I'm talking about! It is the ultimate chick movie and it is good. The little boy in it is great too.

I watched the movie "Babies" yesterday. I wondered if it would make me have a wistful yearning. It did not. I do know that Americans worry too much about soft spots and supporting the baby's neck. The one in Mongolia was on the back of a motorcycle as a newborn and Ponijao in Africa ate dirt regularly while her neck was often at at 45 degree angle. Ponijao was my favorite:



In less than 24 hours I had a massive infusion of baby/kid movies. In my younger years I would have gotten "broody" (As my ex English 1st husband would say). The first time he came over to my apartment I had an Anne Geddes card on my fridge. He said in his cute accent, "Max (his nickname for me), are you broody?' I don't get broody anymore. I realize that I will not have a baby in this lifetime. The lyrics to Simple Kind of Life by Gwen Stefani used to kill me. She wrote this song before she had babies (with a different guy than she references in the song):

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

I was never that girl that knew I was going to have a baby. It would enter my mind off and on, but I was never convinced. I didn't have a strong sense of family and I don't know that I was ever really shown a good example of what a Mother looked like (Sorry Mom, I am hoping you don't read my blog). After I met John, I reconciled  that I would be a great Step Mom to his 3 boys. I can remember deciding that John would get a vasectomy. It was my idea. I had been on the Pill since I was 16 and I was 40. I had spent 24 years trying NOT to have a baby!  One night at dinner John told the boys he would like to have a baby that was part of me and him. We talked about it a lot. Over several months. I couldn't imagine starting a new family when John (and now I) had 3 boys starting high school and college.THANK GOD that did not happen! I can recall talking to J (the oldest boy) when he was 15 about it. He told me, "I'm glad you decided not to have a baby. We have enough chaos as it is." How adult for a 15 year old to have that observation.

When I meet women my age the questions often goes to "So...do you have kids?" It is interesting to watch how the conversation turns. Sometimes curious (is she barren?, a lesbian perhaps? a spinster?), often pitying (why not?, didn't you want kids?), occasionally rude (never met the right guy?, why not?)...I have learned to keep my mouth shut. In the past, I would try to make the question asker feel better letting them know I'm ok. Now I just smile and know that I have no regrets.

Boy's Birthdays

I remember almost everyone ex-boy's birthday. I block out or forget everything else, but their birthdays are burned into my brain.
  • April 5--Jimmy (boy I would skip computer lab so we could beat my Mom home to "do it"). Same birthday as my Dad.
  • April 18--Duke (1st husband). One  month after mine. Easy to remember.
  • May 16--Dillhole. (Same as Sulie).
  • June 1--John. 6/1/61. I am sure in numerology that adds up to something that = RED MUTHA FUCKIN FLAG.
  • August 20--GBS. Happy Birthday! Today's date is what made me think about this post. Also Robert Plant's birthday.
The next boy needs to be a Scorpio (at least that is what the astrology website said when I looked to see who I am supposed to be with in an astrological sense...)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What's Happeneninnng?

I decided to pull this video. One of my astute readers noted that I gave too much personal info. So screw off if you're a stalker.

Bottle It Up

My friend Amy Dalley just posted a preview of one of her new songs on her Facebook and YouTube. The song is titled "Bottle It Up". The words are really meaningful, but it is the pictures that get me. Amy is a really beautiful person with great talent and a great family. Several of my friends have posted her video without knowing her because they said the words totally sum up how they feel about their kids and family. I hope you enjoy it and feel free to pass it on.

www.amydalley.com


Rescue Remedy

You know Penelope don't endorse products. I won't advertise on here even though many have told me I could make money. I am telling you that Rescue Remedy for Pets rocks. Daisy the Dog of the Century™ is scared to death of storms. It is sad because we have thunderstorms every afternoon in Florida. I heard about Rescue remedy years ago. You put a couple of drops under your tongue and it calms you down. I tried ti yesterday on Daisy and it worked! A storm is rolling through right now and I used it again. She is sitting down on the floor next to me instead of pacing and looking liked the monkey things from the Wizard of Oz!




I have tried to look up what it is how the shit do what it do. There is not really an explanation beyond it is flower essence. WTF is "flower essence"??? Here's a cut and paste from the website: 

Did you know.... 







that Jay McCarrol, the winner of the reality TV show Project Runway, used Rescue Remedy on the show's grand finale??? 

Jennifer Anniston says it keeps her cool under pressure. 
Cate Blanchett swears by it, and Salma Hayek has been a fan for years. 
Martha Stewart uses Rescue Remedy and Rescue Sleep.
Van Morrison ordered Rescue Remedy before his performance in Texas, 2010.
It's called Bach's "Rescue Remedy®











Since Jennifer Aniston uses it, I will. If that 'ho Angelina used it, I wouldn't.

Swiffing™

I just got home and decided to do a little light swiffing. You know, when you wipe the counters and use The Swiffer™ to clean up really fast?

I remember my old friend Cindy crying to me about her then husband. Her quote was, "when Randy cleans he just gets The Swiffer out and does it half ass." In Cindy's mind, his approach to cleaning (i.e. just swiffing) summed up their whole relationship. I just looked up said Swiffer and it has a ® not a ™. I am ™ it because it is now a product (a noun) and a verb. Kind of like how The ManGroomer™ became a way to describe a guy. Example, "Ew, it sounds like he is a Mangroomer™".


Monday, August 16, 2010

Eat, Pray...

You would have to be living under a rock to not have heard about the book (and now the movie) Eat, Pray, Love. I read it before the hype. I'm not trying to say I'm all cutting edge or a trend setter. A friend recommended it to me in November of 2007 when I was in the depths of hell with my spontaneous marriage combustion. At first I didn't identify with the book. There was no "event", she was just married to a guy that sounded really boring. My friend raved about the book so I plowed on. I don't feel like I am at risk for spoiling the book--you can tell what happens by the title (and the majority of the females in the United States have read it...it is kinda like everyone owned a copy of Fleetwood Mac Rumors in the mid to late 70's and knew the words to every song). 

When we were 12 we used to laugh at his balls...

I have been really struck by how this book has taken off. Don't get me wrong--I liked it. Still, it intrigues me that the theme resonates with so many people. She breaks up, eats, looks for meaning and then falls in love again. I am being flip (my Mom used to say, "Don't be Flip with me Missy!") I've eaten and prayed in Tampa. Shit, do I have to get on a plane and go to Bali to love? I do have a lot of frequent flyer points, but I'm not sure if I can get that kind of time off. 

I went to see the movie while I was in New York. It was at a theater where one had to go up 4 escalator flights to get to the theatre. Before the movie started there were warnings about protecting your personal belongings with a small addition at the end of the warning about fire exits. My mind kept going to what if this place lights up? All I saw were those single file escalators. Then my mind went to the bed bug epidemic in the city. Were there creepy crawlies on the head rest? As my mind raced, the guy behind me began to kick the back of my seat. At home I would have turned around and politely said, "you may not realize it, but you are kicking my seat."  Not in New York. No way. He might be packing HEAT! But I digress...

I've read lots of reviews of the book and the movie. Some criticize Elizabeth Gilbert for being self centered. I just looked at her website to see if it is titled as a memoir (sister needs to get a new Web designer--her site sucks and I hate the font...), my point being, this is about her journey. It is going to be self centered. There was a woman reading the book sitting in front of me on the plane last night. She was in her mid 50's and married. I wondered out loud to Polly if the book made her wonder about her life, marriage and if she wanted to escape. Polly replied, "Yes, and I'm sure it's not the first time she's thought about it." Is that what scares people about this book? I used to work with a guy that told me he didn't want his wife to watch Oprah because when she did she would start to think and get crazy ideas. (Yes, he was an AssClown). Ironically, the book has been featured on Oprah a couple of times, confirming the fact that all roads lead back to Oprah. Reminds me, the book has also been the butt of many jokes and even made an appearance on South Park:

From Urban Dictionary...

Queef

an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.
Rumor has it that Thea can queef the alphabet.

This post has been all over the place, but I am sure you, Dear Reader, have been able to follow.  

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Reliable Wife

I just finished a book that I can not get out of my mind. The Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick.



My blogging friend Sandy is the book reviewer. I don't think I can even take a stab at this one. Let me put it to you this way--I was in New York City for the weekend and I found myself pulling it out and reading it every time we stopped in the room to freshen up or take a break. I could not put it down.

Bat Coffin Purse

I was just searching for something on Amazon and came across this little gem:


Demonia Bat Coffin Purse Bag Gothic Vampire Slayer Backpack


I am speechless

Apps

Sexual Offenders--There's an app for that. Believe it or not. I can't tear myself away from looking at all the freaks that live within a 10 mile radius of me. Then I started looking at all kinds of addresses. My friends, my family members...even co-workers. There's one down the road from my niece. I sent her a text with the address. She told me about a great site called Watchdog. You can sign up and get updates when a ped moves into your neighbor. I love technology!

Greenlighting in NYC

I went with my GreenlightCard friends for an interview they had on NBC in New York City. You think it is nerve-racking getting ready for a first date...try heading to 30 Rockefeller Place for a 7pm interview on Friday night.  It went really great!



View more news videos at: http://www.nbcnewyork.com/video.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I gots to PEE




The audio isn't synced with the video so it looks like a Japanese horror flick (which is good because I don't really want video of me out there).

Status Updates

There were many reasons I got rid of Facebook. It has been freeing. It's like cutting out bread and losing 10 lbs in 2 days. One of the reasons I got rid of it was the vague, annoying status updates from the people that weren't really a friend, but I was too much of a pussy to ignore their friend invite. You know the kind of updates I mean, things like..."Things were really bad, but I think they are getting better". They were usually followed by 20 comments from their other not really friends saying, "I hope you are okay", "what is wrong?", "I'm praying for you", etc. Then the 21st comment is from the original non-friend telling all by saying something like, "Publix is finally stocking the kind of potato chips I've asked them to stock for the last 3 months." I used to try to post things that were funny. I've had several "status updates" go through my mind the last few days. Here are a few:
  • Scrubbing Bubbles works on everything.
  • I may end up on the front page of the St. Pete Times with a picture of me pummeling one of my customers. I'll be the one with the cute shoes.
  • I hate it when I get a work call in the middle of my mani/pedi.
  • I just met my new neighbor outside at midnight while I had on a tank top with no bra, a facial mask and my reading glasses. I think I made a good first impression as Daisy sniffed his dog's butt.
  • What does it mean that my DVR is my closest friend?
  • The Jet Blue Flight Attendant is my FUCKIN' HERO!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Everything is Okay

I found out today that everything is okay. I had my yearly mammogram a couple of weeks ago and I got the dreaded phone call that they needed to take a closer look with another mammogram and possibly an ultrasound. The nurse from my doctor's office was vague and said there was "something about looking at a lymph node" on the report. I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for the day to have the repeat mammogram and hear the results. Today I got the call that it was okay.

While I waited, I found that the typical day-to-day bullshit didn't matter to me. I discontinued my personal Facebook account. I steered clear of the drama that is constantly unfolding with my work team. I ignored texts from someone that just didn't get it. It was kinda nice to check out for a couple of weeks. I was lucky. I got the call that everything is okay and to get another mammo the same time next year.

It made me think about my friends that did not get the everything-is-okay call. I can not even imagine what it is like. I would lay down and close my eyes with visions of my lymphatic system in my head. I thought about healthy breast tissue. My mind would race to the "what ifs". I can not fathom what it would be like to be in that constant state of stress.

I'm not sure how to end this post. All I can say is I hope everything is okay for Pam, Angela and LR's sister in law.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Self Sabotage

I emailed with an Internet friend I met through blogging a couple of days ago. The subject of "self sabotage" came up. I've been thinking about it off and on all week. Lawd knows I done it with men. I've also touched on self sabotaging when it comes to weight. I joke with my friends that I can lose/gain 10 lbs in a weekend. Last week I started the Yeast Connection Diet. The premise is to kill all the overgrowth of yeast in your body (all of it--not just the front butt kind). It is no sugar, no bread...it sucks. I stuck to it for several days and the muffin melted away before my eyes! My Pilates instructor noticed it. I actually felt better too. Then I ate pizza and drank a glass of wine. Once I did that the "fuck it's" kicked in and I started the next day with a coke and a biscuit. WTH? I saw that I could cut back on the bad stuff and that I had positive results, yet I went back to my wicked ways. 

When I googled "self sabotage" I got:

About 388,000 results (0.26 seconds) 
Lots of self sabotaging going on!

I think I will post this picture on my fridge:



Seriously, what kind of thoughts lead to things like:
  • He's lied to me before, but I know he loves me.
  • But one glass of coke won't make a difference.
  • I'll do cardio tomorrow instead.
  • But there's no good guys.
  • I hate what I do, but I make good money...
  • But I love bread!
I have a bag full o'buts. I know it is all about fear. If I took those same bullet points 
from above....




  • He's lied to me before, but I know he loves me. 
  • Fear of being alone.
  • But one glass of coke won't make a difference. 
  • Fear of not having anything to blame for being single.
  • I'll do cardio tomorrow instead. 
  • Ditto. Thinking thin=happy.
  • But there's no good guys. 
  • Fear of being hurt again.
  • I hate what I do, but I make good money... 
  • Fear of starting something new.
  • But I love bread! 
  • I really do love bread.


Karma

I just learned that something bad has happened to someone from my past. Someone that hurt me and seemed to not have remorse. I heard the news and I felt such a mixture of emotions. A little bit sick, sad, giddy, with a dash of I-knew-that-would-happen-someday. I don't feel right blogging about the incident. I do feel okay writing about the feelings around it. I  think you get what you give. I've read a lot about karma. I don't feel qualified to describe it, other than it has to do with action, particularly the motivation of an action. I can recall wishing all kinds of bad things when I was dealing with the hurt after the breakup with this person. Themes of--he's going to end up broke and alone, he's going to pay for this, and he will lose everything. Now I've heard that things are at rock bottom. I'm not dancing. I'm not completely pure--I did smile as I went through the gamut of emotions. Now I feel numb. 

Freegans

Lately I have seen a couple of articles and an Oprah show about Freegans. A Freegan is someone that doesn't participate in conventional lifestyle--I've seen it described as an ethical lifestyle that reuses trash. On Oprah they showed people digging through trash for food. There were people that left 6 digit jobs and have changed the way they live. Don't worry...I didn't just get back from a dumpster dive! It was amazing to see what people threw away. Fruit with a little dent, eggs that were all fine with one cracked, chicken days before the "sell by" date. The list goes on and on. It made me think about what I throw away. I had friends over for dinner the other night. When we were cleaning up, it was interesting to see what they went to save for leftovers, when I was about to toss it all. 

I'm not heading to the dumpster but I am going to think about what I buy and what I throw away. In my freezer right now I have tons of chicken breasts, shrimp and fish. I have recently gone to Publix and bought chicken breasts, shrimp and fish when I already had those items in my freezer. This week I'm going to plan meals around what I already have in my kitchen. I have 5 different varieties of rice, quinoa and pasta. I keep buying more vs. eating what I already have. It is cuckoo!

My next project is stopping with the black shoes...


Monday, August 2, 2010

Fit and Fat™

Have you heard that term on the news or in the magazines? It kinda makes my skin crawl. You know why?--I think I fall into that category. I religiously go to Pilates a few times a week and I have muscle...covered by a protective layer of 10-15 pounds of fat. 

I was always skinny. When I was little my Mom would whip up dresses on the sewing machine for us. When I was 5 years old, my measurements were 20/20/20. I remember wearing pants that were size 0's in high school. Here I am rocking the all white for prom:


Ahh...Jimmy. My first short boy in a list of many (and I like tall guys!). Thank goodness for Ortho-Novum 1/50s!

And more white for my wedding to the Duke when I was 30:

 

Those arms are crazy, creepy skinny. I remember my Mom sitting me down and  telling me I was too skinny. I wasn't even trying to be skinny. I just was. I think I wore a 34 A then...

I gained a bit after I married the Duke. Me at 33. He was so cute. He had a hole in his heart was repaired and he had been in and out of the hospital. I was taking an arterial line out and he kept saying, "No more pokers!, No more pokers!"





I probably have deleted every picture of me during the time John and I dated and were married, so my late 30's and early 40's don't exist in photos. Something happened around 38. I noticed that I had to buy 8's instead of 6's. I traveled constantly for work. I would eat crap food at the airport, drink lots of coke to stay awake and finish the night with crap room service. Forget working out while on the road. I was always too exhausted. A vicious cycle.

So here I am at 45. I can put my legs over my head and do all kinds of rock star Pilates moves but I wear a size that has 2 digits. On the bright side I'm now a 38 D!




I need to find a balance between looking all Auschwitz and Biggest Loser. Okay, that was extreme, but you get what I'm saying. It is weird. I know what I need to do. Cardio. I have an elliptical in my office. It is behind me, mocking me right now. I think there is a fear. What if I lose the 10-15 lbs, and I still don't meet a boy? I think I convince myself that guys are not attracted to me because I now have to buy "L" t-shirts. My rational side knows that is crazy talk, but...it doesn't stop me from thinking it.

I took today off. I am starting a new Penelope routine. I am committing to doing cardio at least 4X/week. I am going to kick Mr. Elliptical's ass!

I must comply now  that I have put this out to the Universe (via the Internet).

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Sulie's Guest Blog

My sister was venting to me tonight. I told her how writing it all down helps. I told her she could be a guest blogger. Here it is:

I have always wanted to be a guest on Penelope’s Blog.  I look so forward to reading it, sometimes I know what Penelope is going to write and other times, I am completely surprised.  She definitely has the writing gene of the family.

For those of you who have been following the blog, you know that I lost my job a month ago.  It has been the most surreal experience of my life.  It ranked right up there with the death of my parents and the death of a boyfriend.  It was a death on so many levels.  There for awhile I thought I was a suck ass accountant, therefore a horrible person.   I thought this even though, I did nothing wrong and the reason I was FIRED was because I stood up to my boss, who was and will always be a spineless, jelly fish (and looks like the little son on Little People, Big World).  See below...


That job had nothing to do with Sulie L. Collins, the person.  That job was a means to an end…paying the bills, taking care of my pets and being able to do things with my friends and Penelope.  That was my first lesson…my job does not define me.  I define me.  The job was killing me anyway.  In the two and a half years I was there, I gain 20 pounds, lost a gall bladder, developed an acne problem and was forced to take Xanax on an almost daily basis to endure the absolute craziness of it all.  I never want to be that person again. 

I had some other lessons too.  I have recently taken a friend inventory.  This seems to happen every time something major happens in my life (and I am sure in others).   You truly realize who your real friends are.  This time, I have had my heart broken by the lack of concern that some of my friends had.  I texted one friend to tell him the news and his reply was that he was sorry and that he had to call me later.  Well, 33 days later...I got nothing.  Another friend said to me after I announced I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, that “Maybe now you will learn to save”.  No one from my department has checked on me, which is ok…they are the unlucky ones who still have to work at that toxic place.  I am their greatest fear.  Then just this past week, another friend defriended me on Facebook because he was weaning himself from it and figured that we communicated in other ways.  That would have been great, but he kept up his activity and kept “friends” who were mean and hateful to him, because it was easier.  I was really hurt and surprised by that.  He was one of the few people I could share my feelings about men, dating and life and feel like he was truly listening.  I know he did not do this to hurt me…it just feels that way.

What about the positive lessons?  There are MANY.  First, Penelope.  We have learned a lot about each other and ourselves in the past month.  We communicate in such a more honest and authentic way.  I know this sounds like an Oprah show, but there were times I would not be completely honest with her because I was afraid of her reaction, but I have found that was no good and not fair.   She has been 100% supportive and given me that pimp slap every now and then when I need it.  Then there is L.  L has talked to me probably every day since this has happened (and before too).  She has listened to me cry, helped me write a letter to the CEO asking for severance (the bitch said no), given me advice on what to say when asked “Are you currently employed?”, and talked me off a ledge when I did not get a call about the job that I had interviewed.  I feel like it has been the all about Sulie show, but L gets that and still wants to be friends with me.  There are the two angels, J&J, who I used to work with who check on me, invite me to lunch, and let me know that I am not a horrible person.  I have many friends like Mandy, Karey, Bob and Jennie who check on me and just listen.  That is the greatest gift.listening.  I know that Penelope has many friends who have asked how I am.  You don’t know how good that makes me feel.  I thank all of you.  

I am doing great…I am waiting to hear about a job, where they have checked my background and talked to one of my references (he said I was CFO material.GOD LOVE HIM!!).  I have applied for many other jobs and sheepishly enjoying my time off.  I have picked up some side accounting jobs to fill in the void of the paychecks.  I am truly a fortunate person.  I know that this was meant to be.  Yes, one door opens as one closes…but you have to keep moving to make those doors move.  So..I keep moving and yes, I do have days when I prefer to stay in bed with Lexie, Max and Harry and then I remember, I have to keep moving.