Sunday, January 30, 2011

Remakes

Today I was in Crate and Barrel looking at all the things I never knew I needed and I found myself singing along (in my head) to the song that was playing. It was a song I had never heard before...this version. I was singing along in my head:


Stop me, oh, stop me 
Stop me if you think that you've 
Heard this one before 
Stop me, oh, stop me 
Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before 

I kept thinking, "why do I know this song?" and it hit me. College. The Smith's. Stop Me. Who had the BALLS to remake this song? I just looked on itunes and it is Mark Ronson. It's like the time I was in an elevator in the downtown Bank of America bulding and I was singing in my head to the Muzak that was piped in. Same thing happened,"why do I know this song?"

Took my chances on a big jet-plane 
Never let 'em tell ya that they're aw-ooh-all the same 
Hoh, the sea was red and the sky was grey 
I wonder how tomorrow could ever follow today-hee 
Mountains and the canyons start to tremble and shake 
The children of the sun begin to awake 
Now 
Watch out 

It dawned on me. Going to California by Led Zeppelin. Again, The BALLS.

Made me thing about remakes. Why do one? Because the artist thinks they can improve or add a new outlook? I have 8 versions of Sweet Child O' Mine on my ipod. I never liked the original version. As a joke, I made a mix CD for my old boss because he loved that song. But I digress.  Wouldn't it be great to remake times in your life? I would remake 17-20, 30-32 and 39-42. I wonder who I could get to do the rerecording? 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Nancy Grace

You know her--annoying, judgmental, voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. My niece and I practice doing our face like hers and saying things in a Nancy Grace voice.


You can do it for almost any mundane thing. Here's one I did the other night. Clear your throat, get a good sneer going, cock your head to the right and drawwww oouuuttt whhhatt yooouu arreee sayyingg...

"People, the aunt received a picture of a man who was going to take her out to dinner. He had no shirt on. He was posed like a Chippendales dancer. Her niece suggested she send back a picture of her bush." Pause...make disgusted face:



People, these girls are sick and I come to find out the aunt is only a half sister to the nieces' mother. It is obvious their sick, perverted genes are a dominant trait that runs through this disturbed family. 

Googling pictures of Nancy Grace is like Christmas morning. I don't know which one to pick!!!

No Strings Attached

The chick movie of the year and I loved it! I can't stand Ashton Kucher. One moment while I google the right way to spell his name...Kutcher. I'm not sure why he bugs me. The movie was funny and cute and I found that I almost liked him. I love Natalie Portman. She needs to eat a burger though. 

And people...just like in my life, just doing it DOESN'T work. 

It made me want to have a boyfriend. I thought about going out tonight. Maybe meet some people. I went to Target and spent $178 instead.

Andy Warhol Found Dead in my Bathroom

Today I woke up to find this:

Andy Warhol had been removed from the side of my refrigerator and obviously dragged through my house at night. There was an assault to the left side of his forehead. My only hope is that he went quickly. I did not have the typical crime scene tape on hand. I used some yarn from a few years ago when I went through a quick I'mgoingtobecoolandteachmyselftoknit phase. 

I have a suspect:


May the cat. Black and White obese female. About 8 years old. White eyebrows and whiskers. Has gone by the alias Mai Linn until her adoptive owner decided that sounded like an Asian porn stripper name and changed it to May.

Where to find cool finger puppets:

Monday, January 24, 2011

Creepy Mall Guys

You know what I'm talking about. The guys that just sit on the benches (or in the cushy chairs at the nicer malls) and ogle women. They are not shopping. They are not waiting for anyone. They are just creepy jack offs. Next time I go to the mall I want to make flyers to hand to them that say:

Hi!
I know you are just sitting here looking at women (and young girls).
You are pathetic. 
I would love to go the the flat iron kiosk and get one to shove up your ass.
Maybe we can walk over there together.
That way I can get them to leave me alone with the annoying "can I ask you something" questions as I walk by and make you quit being a freak.


Love,

Penelope

Trusting Your Gut

I had an appointment with Lynn last week. As you recall, she said I may have been quick to judge when it came to Dad Jeans (aka Cop Friend). I'm telling her the story about the Old Spice guy. She listened as I told her about the cheesey quote, "I'm saving my appetite for you." Then I tell her about the no shirt picture with, "To stimulate your thought" under it. She commented that I was so quick to make a decision to cancel. I said I felt like it was inappropriate and a red flag. We stared at each other. I said, "wanna see the picture?" She said yes...

Envision me leaning over with the skank picture pulled up on my phone. I hand her the phone. She puts it up to her face and looks. Without missing a beat, she leans to me and hands the phone back immediately and said, "you made the right decision."

I am telling you. I swore I would trust my gut from now on. I know I am not being too picky. His shit was crazy.

Big Girl Thongs™

I had to put them on today. I sent Out of Town Liaison™ an email that we would not be doing it anymore. By "it", I mean IT.  He had asked me to go to the Keys over Christmas (I said no) and he recently asked me to go skiing. I needed to nip it now. It was a kind, well crafted email written mostly by my niece.   We tweaked it several times and read it out loud to each other (one time she did it in his accent). He wrote back a nice reply and asked me to call him. She told me I had to put on my big girl panties and call him. So I did. I waited a day, but I did it.  And it was weird.

People, have I mentioned that having sex like a man doesn't work? When I talked to him today it was obvious he kinda liked me. I had to lay a little, "we were just doing it, and you live far away, and..." Okay, I didn't say you kinda bore me. I think I hurt his feelings. I have become a man. He said he should have kicked things up a notch. I asked what he meant. Ugh. He also gave me one of those, "well, if you want some more blah, blah...and then said something about my boobs. I was in the Border's parking lot. I wanted to go in and get a GRE review book. Told him the conversation was making me uncomfortable and I had to go. I was the boy! Maybe I should have told him I was married with a kid. 

If he liked me, then why didn't he act like it? Don't get me wrong--I did not want the liking BUT, if this is his liking, what is his just fucking like? I shudder to think. 

They are all coming out of the woodwork. I got an email from a guy I dated a bit when I first moved back to Tampa.  He started with Hi Penelope, I don't know if you remember me, then he reminds me of where we ate and what bars we had gone to and when we saw each other (2 years ago). He was a young un. 27. Too young. That is why I said it wasn't working for me real quick. So he tells me he is single and he moved down to my part of town. Asks if I would like to get together. I write back:

Hi Tom,

Of course I remember you. I remember everyone that has seen me naked!

Unfortunately I am not available. I hope you are well.

Penelope

Apparently he thought I was putting out for all of Hillsborough county. I should have told him I still have the same box of condoms at my bedside that I had when he was here. They've probably expired by now.

Sulie told me that I was (and I quote because I can not make this shit up) "unaware of my sexual wantonness". Spell check didn't put a red squiggle under "wantonness", so I guess it is a real word.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

More Match.com Narcissistic Insanity

My friend sent me this guy. I CAN NOT believe the shit he has in his profile. It is a manifesto. I couldn't fit it all in one screen shot:

My favorites:

  • I'm a philanthropist--read I'm rich. (I always think anyone that talks about how they help, they really don't do much).
  • Spells a lot, "alot". Idiot.
  • Can you be in my boat on the ocean all day and be ready for a formal dinner in 30 minutes? Toolbag.
  • Would you spot me at the gym? Yes, you'd be the douche staring in the mirror, clanking weights and grunting.

Maybe I'll Become an OL

Shit week. Thought I had something tied up and it did not work out. I have given myself the weekend to process the anger with friends, family, food and alcohol. I ate steak, eggs, grits and pancakes for breakfast. I think I'm done eating for the day. Upside--I had my yearly performance review on Friday. It was glowing. I felt kinda bad. As I sat there I thought, "you have no idea how unhappy I am in this job." I'm back to that how can I be good at something that I loathe? So I start to think of career changes...I've got it. Outlaw Motorcycle Club.

I have started to watch Sons of Anarchy. I saw that Katey Sagal won a Golden Globe for her role and I decided to check it out. It's about an outlaw motorcycle club in California. It's like The Sopranos on Harley's. The show is actually based on Hamlet. I am sure the Bard would be proud. I think I may become someone's OL (Old Lady). From what I can tell you start out like an apprentice.  You get passed around until one of the guys decides you are his "OL". I would have to screw a few fat guys with tattoos but it would be to secure my future. You don't have to wear a suit and I already have lots of jeans and heels.

I've already spent way too much money on itunes downloading episodes like a crackhead. I know all the lingo--SAMCRO. The MC. Going to church. I've been wanting to go by a small hand gun without serial numbers (just kidding in case The Feds read my blog)...

This is the main reason I like the show:




Monday, January 17, 2011

Golden Globes

I had it on in the background while I read so I could look up if there was something fun on the screen. I suspect that Ricky (one moment while I google how to spell his name) Gervais is going to be blackballed in Hollywood. You know I like me some harsh humor, but that guy was a PRICK. We all know that Tom Cruise is a freak and most likely gay, but I don't think that he needed to say it at an awards show. He ragged on Robert Downy Jr. too. Not cool.  So if Ricky Gervais was a cartoon he would look like...oh how convenient. When you google, "Ricky Gervais cartoon" there are tons:


From his show...

This really looks like him...


This is a good rendering of the ugliness that he has both inside and out...


 This one sums it up...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Revenge for Cheaters

I always love the urban legends about revenge for cheaters. I think we all know the story where the cheated upon wife gives up the house in the divorce and hides shrimp in the curtain rods, the house smells like ass and she buys it back from her loser ex at a deep discount. Here's a good one:

www.nataliedee.com

p.s. why is it that every town has the cheesy car dealer commercial with the wife, kid or dog doing something stupid in the commercial? There used to be one in Tampa where the dumb bitch said, "at blah, blah cars, EVERYBODY RIDES!". It sucked and word on the street was she screwed around on her husband.

Weidos on Match.com

I don't think this shit ever gets old. Here's the latest match.com email one of my friends received with her "mutual" matches:

Double Click to enlarge to fully experience the freakiness
My fave is the Viking. I am also drawn to the serial killers to his left.

Johan at a Meeting

Yeah, Johan and I worked a surgeon's society meeting down in Ft. Lauderdale this week. My company is trying to save money so we had to share a room. He got into the mini bar. 7 bucks for chocolate M&Ms:



He was really underdressed (as always). Everyone had on a suit but Johan:


He is always on his Blackberry too. It is so rude:


Facial Expression Workshop

My whole life I've gotten the "Hey, you should smile more!" It's just who I am. John once told me the happiest he ever saw me was when we got 5th row seats to Aerosmith and I was within spitting distance of Joe Perry when he went out on the walkway. When I went out on Wednesday night, Old Spice (as I shall refer to him) commented to his friend that I seemed reserved. His friend told my friend that I was hard to read. I've been told that before. Another friend of a friend commented that I was guarded. I analyzed self. I know I'm not a Debbie Downer. It's just if I'm going to smile it better be over something good. I also think my jobs have led to me having a kick ass poker face. When I worked in pediatric ICU I could not show my fear to parents or to the babies. When I worked in oncology I had to keep the calm face. Now in sales I have to conceal my "Do you know I can't stand you" thoughts from my customers. Belle, my Pilates instructor comments how my face doesn't change when I am doing tough moves. It's just me. 

My niece and Polly have an idea. They are going to put me in a facial expression workshop. I'm not sure what it entails. I will let you know. All I can think of is Jim Carrey faces.


Train To LadyTown™: Canceled

People, I'm not sure how to start this story. It is amazing how quickly things can change...here's the Cliff Notes:
  • Wednesday night: Went on double date with friend and her beau. Guy was cute. Scratch that--not cute. Super hot, like MODEL hot. Smart, funny, total package.
  • We exchanged numbers. Emailed and texted a few times. 
  • I had the typical fleeting Penelope thoughts go through my mind. I bet you can guess them: I was totally watching for Red Flags. Hyper vigilant. What's wrong with him? Why me? He's too hot. I am a firm believer in equivalence in mentally stability, looks and intelligence when dating. Both my niece and my friends told me I was looking for problems. 
  • Friday: We agreed to go out Saturday night when he got off work. 
  • Saturday: There was texting (initiated by him) throughout the day. He started with, "I woke up looking forward to seeing you tonight." Okay. We only met once. Kinda bugged me, but I know I have baggage (carry-on and fashionable). He wrote (in reply to my question if we would eat dinner since we were meeting at 9), "Yes, "I'll save my appetite for you (:" Ugh. Cheesy. I analyzed it with a friend. She told me to roll with it. I found that I was turned off. I am telling you that if I was a teen now in the era of the text, I would be the girl that would leave her phone in her purse and be a total outsider.
  • Saturday afternoon: He sends me (UNSOLICITED) a picture of himself. With no shirt in jeans. Posed. Like a model/calendar boy shot. The text with the picture says, "to stimulate your thought." (not thoughts--thought. My 1 thought). People, I can not make this shit up! Who keeps that kind of picture on his cell phone? My mind races. How do I reply? It's obvious he thinks he's on the train to LadyTown™. I ignore it for a while. 30 minutes later I get a text that says, "did you get the pic?". Shit, he's a wacko and a narcissist. This is a dangerous combination. I reply, "yes. I have been trying to think of a witty reply. Here it is--I guess the ball is in my court to send you a picture with my top off. Not happening." (I thought that was pretty quick. It was funny and I let him know the picture was kinda weird). 
  • Friend's thoughts: I would love to post the picture but I can't--he has a high profile job and it would be shitty. Let me find something on the Intraweb that is simialr so you can get an idea. One moment, searching...found it! I googled "Old Spice Guy with no shirt."



My guy friend that I refer to as Costa on here wrote; "Shit. I don't know whether to fuck him of fight him!" when I sent him the picture. Miss Brown's husband said, "this guy is bad news. This is part of his play book. Steer clear. My niece told me to send him back a picture of my bush and write, "I had to pull over and fist myself after looking at your picture (hilarious, and NO, I didn't do that). My sister showed her gay hairdresser. He said he wished he was gay and was also concerned with the "too hot" factor. 
  • Okay, I had to let him know that his PERCEIVED train to LadyTown™ was not leaving the station. The train was canceled. I wrote, "The picture was a bit too much for me. I'm canceling tonight. It was nice to meet you, I wish you the best." Translation: Dude, you're wacked, glad I dodged the bullet, please stay away from me. His reply was, "I understand" followed by "If I offended you, my bad, take care." I figured there was no need to reply.
All this happened in less than 72 hours. Just goes to show you that crazy can not stay bottled for long. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

How Much is that Doggie in the Web Cam?

People, I believe I've got the winning freak match.com story. I went to Pilates today and my instructor (still thinking of a name and picture for her) told me this one. A British guy. Divorced. Cute enough in the picture. They decided to talk on the phone. They start talking about pets. He has 2 dogs. I forget the breeds...something like a Corgi and a Papillon mix. People, get ready. This guy admitted to setting up a web cam so he could look at his dogs while he was at work. WTF!? You know how breathing is very important during pilates? I was laughing so hard that I screwed up the inhales, exhales and holds. I actually think I may have peed a little. What would make him think that was an okay thing to admit? I told her I would have rather heard he liked to fly those weird helicopters or mini airplanes. But wait...that's not all! He also has a yearly pass to Disney and Epcot. NOT sexy. 

There is a silver lining to this story. Imagine if he never admitted to the freakish dog cam. Things went well. They went on several dates. Made out. Pledged undying love (or decided they just wanted to get jiggy). They did it at her place the first time. THEN, they go to his place the next time. They do it.  She walks into the kitchen in the morning for post coital coffee and she sees the web cam. He then tells her it is set up to watch his dogs and he checks in while at work. THE HORROR!

Now I have even more pre-dating questions to ask:
  • Are you married?
  • Do you have a dog cam?
  • When was the last time you went to Disney?
  • If I was to go on myfloridacounty.com would I see that you are married? (it's good to ask the question in several different formats).
  • Are you not divorced?
  • Do you have a kid or 2 that you forgot to tell me about?
  • Do you own a remote controlled airplane, helicopter or car?
  • Who's your favorite Disney character. Yell, "GOTCHA!" when he says Pluto.
  • Do you go to Orlando a lot?
  • Do you have a roommate? If answer is "yes", proceed to follow up question, "is it your wife?"
Okay, if my pilates instructor (let's call her Belle as in Belle in Beauty and the Beast) was a cartoon she would look like this:

Not so much the open leg thing--more the in great shape and sassy thing.

Here's Belle. I had to google "female disney characters". All I could think of was Minnie. Haven't been to Orlando in a while...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Penelope's Kitchen Essentials

You know I am a domestic goddess. I realized I need to list the Penelope essentials for all kitchens:

  • Rice Steamer-People, how did I live 45 years without one? If I had one in college I probably would have eaten. I've always dreaded the boil, simmer put top on neediness of rice. Aunt Kim at my chung chou chung nail salon told me how to estimate the rice to water ratio and now I don't even have to get out a measuring cup! You just put in the rice and add enough water to be about the distance from the bottom of your pinkie nail to the tip of your finger. There are like 25 bucks at Target. Get one.


  • Wine Vacumn-Beleive it or not, I don't drink wine by the bottle. A great way to seal the wine so it is toasty fresh when you open it later. Ya know like in an hour or two..

  • Fun Measuring Cup-Measuring is so boring. Why not make it fun? I got this one at my favorite site Uncommon Goods...
  • Let's Get Spicy- Staples to have to throw on some boring ass piece of meat or vegetables to make it sassy...
Emeril's Bayou Blast. All part of my Louisiana PSTD therapy. And it's good shit.


Crushed Garlic in a Jar. Screw chopping fresh garlic. I really don't see a difference. Maybe I'm just low rent...


Salt is so passéSeriously, we oh so healthy Americans ingest too much sodium. Check out the side of that Diet Coke can. I love this stuff. If you need a bit of salt it is sea salt and black pepper together in a grinder. Get it at Fresh Market:






  • Cloth napkins that rock. I go to Pier I and Anthropolgie (The Temple™) and buy all kinds of cloth napkins on sale. No paper napkins (say in same voice used for Joan Crawford's "no wire hangers" speech.) 

Recycle Bin Sleuthing

They are the best way to get to "know" your neighbors. I was walking Daisy yesterday and I realized you can spy without being noticed. You just stand there while the dog sniffs and pees. Look casual. Act like you are enjoying the day when you are actually counting how many empty wine bottles are in the guy's bin 2 streets over. Don't give him any slack--assume he drank it all himself. Notice who partakes in delicious PBR in can vs. the expensive bottle import beer. See who is the cat freak with 5 jumbo plastic cat litter containers.  Pass judgment on the asshole that put non recyclables in the bin. Smile when you see that the Recycle truck drivers have thrown the shit back in the bin in a "fuckyouidiot" fashion. 

Alas, I can not cast stones--I've been known to ration the amount of wine bottles I put in my bin. I also stuff the bottles under piles of newspaper. Something that initially looks like this...


Can easily be transformed to this...


At least we are all recycling!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Learning to Drive Stick With Sulie

In my last post I made a reference to my first car--a 1980 VW Rabbit. I have looked for an exact picture. I could only find this:

Mine was white with red and orange stripes on the side. A 4-speed with a sweet red interior. A Pioneer tape deck/radio so I could blast Ozzy and AC/DC. I worked at the Wendy's drive through to make the payments. Ahh...one moment while I scan a picture when I dressed up as Wendy to give a football player an award. For this I got my hourly wage of $3.35 and got to have Friday night off (enabling me to go to a keg party on Powerline Road.

This picture is disturbing on so many levels. Let me list the ways:
  • That I was willing to do this so I could have Friday night off.
  • The guy's gut. WTH?
  • The Wendy's manager (I forgot his name, let's just call him Mr. Tool) in his sweet polyester jacket.

Okay, as usual, I digress. My boyfriend taught me to drive stick. I had learned from my Dad when I was 8 in a Ford Bronco with "3 on the tree" (it made it easier when he was hunting to have me drive. PEOPLE, I am serious). I knew how to do the clutch, but a 4-speed on the hills in Gainesville was different. 

A day came when I decided that Sulie needed to learn how to drive. I think I was 17 and she was 15. Maybe 16 and 14. It's all hazy. I convinced her to practice in our neighborhood. We lived at the top of a pretty steep hill. It was steep enough that I would park in the street, crawl out of my window late at night, get into the car, out it in neutral and pop the clutch at the bottom so my Mom wouldn't hear the car start. Brilliant. 

Back to Sulie Driving School. There we are--cruising down NW 32nd Street. She has successfully gotten into 2nd gear. I had told her how to stop the car. I was telling her to drive into the driveway really slow. She kinda misjudged the turn and took out our mailbox. Our next door neighbors had 3 little girls. The Mom came over and REAMED us. I just remember Sulie sobbing as the Mom screamed that we could have hurt her girls. It was bad. I won't even blog about what happened when my Mom got home. 

Poor Sulie. She wasn't real excited about learning to drive after that fine experience. I think I asked if she wanted to learn how to drive stick a few years ago. She said "no thanks." I taught John's oldest boy. He was 15 with a learner's permit and we practiced in a deserted parking lot.

To this day I still remember how to out the condiments on a Wendy's hamburger:

Mayonnaise, Mustard, Lettuce, Onion, Pickle, Ketchup.

Bad Dreams: The Mini Series™

Okay, I had the best one last night. I was heading to Crescent Beach and I was in a bikini. Fortunately, I was a younger Penelope in this dream (I was even in my 1980 VW Rabbit). I had the kind of bikini top on where the triangles that cover your boobs are on the string. Like this kind:

Crescent Beach is a big hangout for people from Gainesville. I found the perfect parking space and got out to meet my friends. There I was being all cool and beach like. I was drinking a beer in a plastic cup and talking to a guy. I noticed he kept looking down. I looked down and the bikini top was pulled over and my boob was out. But wait, that's not all. I had 3 NIPPLES! 3 NIPPLES PEOPLE.  

( ), --, ...

I use way too many parentheses (but I love them so). I also enjoy a dash (but not just any old dash--an em dash). But an ellipsis... 

is one of my faves. 

Fun Site

I found a great site tonight in my never ending search for fun cartoons and pictures of assholes doing assholish things.

http://www.nataliedee.com

Okay, they have very funny stuff on this site. The cartoons crack me up and you can use them and share them as long as you share the site address  and understand they support themselves with merch (cool lingo for merchandise). I am a firm believer in paying artist's for their work. Especially in this time of the Intraweb, itunes and all the ways to just copy stuff without paying for it (you know who you are you bit torrent people--only okay if the person who created is okay with you sharing it). You know I have my AMEX card number memorized which makes Internet shopping a breeze. I'm getting this shirt:

http://www.nataliedee.com/

and only 17 bucks!

alyssa-anxiety-133-1.jpg
http://www.nataliedee.com/

I do worry that my boobs will disfigure Anxiety Girl's face...

Play Doh®

I found some in a cabinet today. I am not sure why I had it but I opened it up. It is just as fun as I remember. It smells exactly the same too.

Add 
play-doh.jpg

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Jorts

I am safely back from my trip to Lowe's. People, I must ask you...why all the jorts?

JEANS + SHORTS = JORTS

That is some fucked up math. If there is anything that will turn me to a dry gulch faster I dunno what it is. 

Let me lay some photos on you:

This is just sick and wrong. As my friend Amy Jean says, "I think I can see his C and Bs." I think he may have been a neighbor when I lived in the sovereign state of Louisiana. p. fucking s. his buddy to his right is kinda hot.

This poor soul obviously doesn't have a positive female influence in his life. He has nice legs and arms that are completely canceled out by the jorts.

And this just sums it all up:


When to turn the Blackberry On

I turned my work Blackberry off on December 20th. I had taken vacation that week and we had company holidays from Christmas until the end of the year. I needed 2 solid weeks sans bullshit. I left my Blackberry on (yet buried at the bottom of my purse) and glanced at it on Monday the 20th. I saw an email from my boss (aka The Duckwalker). He started with "I hope you are enjoying your vacation..." and then proceeded to ask me a question that required an emailed answer. Tool. My out of office would be his reply. He was leaving to go out of the country on the 24th and his questions was not relevant to business before the end of the year. 

I'm afraid to turn it on. You know when you watch the number of emails calculate and it keeps getting bigger? Ugh. I will turn it on in the morning.

When Work Invades Your Dreams

I've had work nightmares for the last 3 nights.  I suspect it is the winding down of holiday vacation and my anxiety around a work thing that I will hear about this week. I am debating whether I should blog about that.

I always know I am really stressed when I have waitress dreams. 2 Nights ago I dreamt I was back at Chili's, but it was in not the 1980's. It was now. There I was, 45 years old in a Guess™ denim mini skirt, a red polo, white scrunchie socks and Reebok™ hi-tops. I was standing in front of the computer trying to enter the order. I couldn't find "well high ball". I asked a girl for help. She told me to study and laughed at me. I screamed "Fuck You! I worked her before you were born. Show me where the key for well high balls is!" She look scared and showed me the key. I had to get ice and carry it to the front. My back was killing me. I remembered how I used to pick it up without a problem. I went out to my station and all the tables were full. I didn't know table numbers or abbreviations for any of the food. I looked around and I was the oldest person there. It was horrible. I woke up with wet hair. 

My dream analysis: I'm worried about work and getting older.

The night before, I dreamt I was back in the pediatric ICU. That was probably my most stressful nursing job. Babies and kids get so sick and one wrong move can be disastrous. Ironically, it was my lowest paying nursing job ever. I got $14.34/hour with a $2.00 differential for working nights in the mid 90's. I repeatedly got yelled at by cardiac surgeons and one night an anesthesiologist pushed me  I learned a lot and that was when I decided that "doctor" does not equal God. Okay, back to the nightmare. Even though this was a pedi ICU, we also recovered adults from open heart surgery. It was because the hospital across the street did not have a certificate of need to do adult open hearts. It was stupid. In the same  night you could have a 70 year old woman next to a 7 day old baby. It was fucked because you would look at the monitor and see a heart rate of 60 on an adult which was okay and then the baby's heart rate was 150. Same with respirations. At 4 a.m. you had to be on your toes to not mix up the patients. A heart rate of 60 in a baby is BAD.  Again, back to the nightmare. I had gotten report and went in to see my first patient. The first thing you do (especially in ICU) is get to your patients and make sure their vitals are good (i.e. they are alive), the drips are running at the the right rate( and it is the right drug) and that the bitch before you didn't leave you with a near empty bag. I always made sure I got to everyone right away (lots of codes happen at change of shift). I once walked into a patient that I was told was breathing great and her O2 sats were 100%. I walked in and she was grey and not breathing. In my bad dream the first patient was planting jasmine around her bed. People, this was a fucked up dream. She was in the ground and asked me to help her digs holes. She even had one of those little shovels. I started digging and I realized that I had forgotten my stethoscope. I was really stressed out that I had forgotten it at home. I finally got out of the room and realized my other patient was on another floor (this would never happen in the real world). I ran up several flights of stairs and could not find the room. Nurses on other floors wouldn't help me. I saw a stethoscope on a chair. I stole it and kept running. I finally went outside and there was a 737 and I was told I had to get on it by a flight attendant. I said, "but I have patients!" She told me someone else would take care of them. I handed her the stolen stethoscope and go on the plane. I had on turquoise scrubs with the yellow drawstring (yellow strings were on the small scrub pants and back in the day we would proudly have the yellow string out to show that we were rocking the smalls).

My dream analysis: I am going on a flight to somewhere that will take me away from my worries. I will also be thin.

My dream last night was a combo. I was a waitress and a nurse. One of my old friends used to say I was a "Healthcare Waitress." It was funny, yet bitchy. I had ICU patients in a restaurant. There were ventilators and drips and monitors. You went up to the bar to get your I.V.s and meds. I can't remember what the kitchen did. There was even a hostess. It was FUCKED.

My dream analysis: I am wacked. And stressed.

Root Canal at Home Depot

Going to Lowe's or Home Depot (which are interchangeable to me) is like going to the dentist for some people. The parking lot is a maze of contractors with their big trucks that often have the ball things hanging from the back. Is this only in Florida? One moment while I deftly google a picture...yes! "Balls on Trucks" produced this in 10 seconds:

I brace myself as I enter the store with the big lights and blaring intercom. I can NEVER find anything. I look up a the signs on the aisles. They are no help. It never says little stick thingie to tighten the toilet paper roll holder. I now know that is referred to as an "Allen Wrench". There is also the problem of finding someone to help you. The only reason I would choose The Depot over Lowe's is the obnoxious orange vests. I have found that when I go in without makeup, in ripped jeans and a t-shirt I get a much different response rate than I get when I am dressed up in work clothes in full hair and makeup. Which leads me to my trip today to Lowe's. I am going back for the 4th time to get paint to touch up my walls. The first time it was too dark. Then too green. Then too shiny. One of the guys told me just to repaint my walls. Which by the way...when I have sold my last 3 homes I gave the new owners a typed out list of the paint colors, brand and numbers for easy purchasing. Did the mutha fuckas that remodeled and sold my place do that? Hell no. Where is my good paint karma?

I'm going to get up. Fix my hair. Artfully apply makeup and put on a tight, low cut shirt. I will get in the Mini and park next to a Hemi™ in the Lowe's parking lot. . I will block out the blaring lights and sounds. I will walk up to the paint counter with confidence and use my boobs to get quick service. That paint better be right this time.

Ghosts from Christmas Past

On Christmas Eve I got a text from an area code that makes me nervous. I have only saved one number from that time in my life and it is Phil the Attorney (of the "his erections are no longer your concern" fame). 

It was from one of John's boys. One of the twins. I was SHOCKED to get a text from him. Their father (lower case intended) had told them there would be no money for college because of Penelope. Here it is:


Next, (I cut some of this off since it has all their names in it). He is white and I am green:

Some redundancy here--trying to take screen shots.
We always made apple pies on holidays. I had no idea what to talk to him about. I was (am) heartbroken that all 3 boys stopped talking to me because of their father. I  left it with the apple pie. I didn't know what else to say. I showed it to my niece the next day. She told me I left him hanging. So I wrote him a Christmas text. I'm green and he is white.:


I can't help but analyze--why is he reaching out now? Was he fishing to see if I had a boyfriend with the "whatd u get for xmas" question? In the text that I cut out I asked about his brothers and told him to tell them I asked about them and to say hello. I wondered if he told them he texted me. I wondered what they said. The little one (his twin--call him H) sent me some rough texts when things really fell apart when I had to take John back to court. His father told him I was trying to take his money. H believed his dad (which I understand). I took the high road. I didn't point out that they lived in a crappy 2 bedroom rental house before we were married and that they style of living increased dramatically when I came onto the scene. He just kept writing me texts saying, "I never thought u would do this." It sucked. I used to get really stuck in a circle of "don't they know I left tons of things there so the house would not seem different and they wouldn't suffer?, Do they know how I paid for most of their food and clothes at our house? I defended them when John wanted to ground them for every little thing? I read tons of books on being a good Step Parent and I went to a counselor just to get guidance on being a Step Mom?" 

But wait, that's not all! Sulie and I were driving back from our trip south. She turns to me and says, "I can't find my phone." I tell her I will get off at the next exit. I decided to go ahead and get gas. She finds her phone in a bag in the truck and runs into the store while I get gas. When she comes out she says, "That is David W. over there." David W. is a guy I dated for about 6 months back in 2000. He was one of the many maybethisonewillgetmymindoffofDillhole detours. David W. was coo-coo for Coco Puffs. He was really smart, fun to be around and as you got to know him his damage was crystal clear. He suffered a lot of abuse as a child and it was sad. He just dropped off the face of the earth. Left town. No call. No email. Wacko. This was after he spent the week before with me at the beach. He called me 6-9 months after he left. He said he had moved out of state and was seeing a doctor and he needed to call and apologize (obviously doing a 12 step program). He told me he was on medication and doing much better. My reply (and please note Dear Readers, I have done a lot of self work in these last 11 years) was "Crawl back under the rock you came from!" and I hung up. Shit, 11 years later and he's at the same Mobil station as me on the day after Christmas in some little Florida town. What are the chances? He was with a woman who looked older. I think he was about 5 years older than me. This woman looked older than 50. He didn't see me or Sulie. I drove around so I could see his tag. The car was from a town in Tampa Bay. How weird is that? I am all about signs. What does it all mean? Something about forgiveness? I hadn't thought about the rock comment in years. It was not a pleasant thing to remember about myself.

Not sure how to end this post other than I have been a writing fool tonight...

More Meet Up Comedy

Look at this new group:

Double Click and you will see in full screen
At first glance it seems benign. But look at "Jennifer" the organizer. And really read the description. I forwarded this to Polly and told her it sounded fishy. Here is her reply:


I think they are seeking a third to spice things up.

Sent from my iPhone

Out With The Old

It's that time... New Year's Resolutions. I'm not going to get all crazy. Just a few simple, attainable goals. 

Out with:

  • AssClowns
  • ManGroomers™
  • RMFFs™
  • Drinking Coke (I mean it this time)
  • Eating out all the time

In With:
  • Loving what I do for work
  • Buying food and cooking it
  • Walking Daisy TWICE a day
  • A New Hair Dresser
  • Trusting my Gut
Let's take about coke. Coca-Cola®. The Real Thing. On Christmas day I went with my sister to visit my niece and nephews.  We got a room at the Sheraton Four Points (I was able to bring Daisy--yes, I AM that person). My sister brought along a 12 pack of coke. She filled the ice bucket and put the 12 pack of coke on the top shelf in the armoire. My niece came over after the boys went to sleep. We were enjoying some vino. I needed to take Daisy out. I opened the armoire to grab a bag. I was assaulted  by coke cans. First, one to the right temple, then the left cheek. At first I thought I was being shot. I dropped to the floor. I kept getting hit. One to the shoulder. Cans bounced on the tile floor as coke exploded everywhere. I saw black. My niece Jackie said I muttered, "What is happening to me?" and then I realized my sister had pulled the flap off the front of the 12 pack. I then said, "Don't ever do this again." I ran towards the other side of the room as Jackie was bent over almost peeing herself as she laughed. My sister was horrified. It was so funny that I couldn't yell at her. We assessed the damage. Coke was all over the closest bed in weird bubbles. The mirror was covered as was the tile in the entryway. We grabbed towels and started cleaning. My sister and niece told me to take Daisy out while they cleaned. When I got back my niece took me over to the bed and instructed me to watch. She said in a weird Russian accent, "Co-Cola, no Co-Cola" as she wiped the beaded up bubbles of Coke. That duvet cover was made of Kryptonite. My sister googled the duvet cover on the hotel website. (You can buy one for $260 if interested...and it's 100% polyester, not Kryptonite). Let's get back to the Co-Cola. Do you know that shit ETCHED the mirror? This was a brand new hotel. It was on the mirror for only a few minutes. Think what that shit does to your teeth and gut. I think every school age kid should have to our Coke on a mirror and she what happens.

You know when you're in a hotel and you're staring at the ceiling and you see one lone brown spot? If you are like me you say, "how in the hell did that get up there?" Now you know.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"Good Hair" at what price?

I'm watching Chris Rock's movie Good Hair. My sister and I were talking about it today. I joke about my hair drama with hair stylist breakup. I still have that Nordstrom gift card burning a hole in my wallet. My appointment every 3 weeks to cover my gray is  is nothing like what a black woman goes through to take care of her hair. That's a whole other blog--which by the way, there are several blogs on black hair. My favorite "Celebrates the Dopeness of Black Hair."

All kidding aside, this reminded me of a story from my nursing days. I worked in the intensive care unit of a children's hospital. A 3 year girl was admitted through the emergency room. She had been badly beaten and was unconscious. She was put on a ventilator and neurosurgery was called in do a craniotomy (drill a hole in the skull) and to put in a drain and a way to measure the intracranial pressures. A neighbor had brought the little girl in. Her mother was a dancer. She had given the neighbor $1,000 to watch her little girl while she went down to Ft. Lauderdale to dance.  I took care of the little girl the first night. The search was on to find the Mom. She was located early the next morning and rushed to the hospital from Ft. Lauderdale. The day nurses told me how the Mom screamed when she walked into the room. She said, "Who put a weave in my baby's hair?" Social Services had found out that the neighbor beat the little girl so she would sit still for several hours while she put a weave in her hair. Pictures of the weave were taken for documentation. The day shift nurses calmed the Mother down and gave her a pair of scissors. When I walked in that night, she had cut all of the weave out. She kept saying to me over and over, "my baby would never sit still for a weave." She also kept telling me she paid her neighbor $1,000. She felt like that amount of money meant her daughter would be cared for and kept safe. It was awful. Meanwhile, the little girl's intracranial pressures kept rising. I worked 12 hour shifts from 7pm to 7 am. The Mom got a bible and started reading it out loud. At about 3 a.m., she got to the word "Zion" and asked me how to say it and what it meant. I said, "Zion" and told her it was a sacred place. I was raised in a house where my Dad was baptized in a creek while wearing a suit when he was 12. He said at that moment he thought, "when I have kids they will never have to go to church." It was a battle between him and my Mom. My Father won. Zion was a place I could't describe to the Mom. I went and got the chaplain (they had one available 24 hours a day--Thank God). He came in and prayed with her. He explained Zion (to both of us). She spent the rest of the night lying in bed with her daughter while reading the bible. We helped her avoid all the tubes and wires. The Mom wouldn't eat and she wouldn't sleep. 

A friend came in the next night and brought a boom box. The Mom said the little girl loved to sing and dance. She thought music would make her baby feel better. A song came on that the Mom said was the little girl's favorite. It was C'mom Ride This Train. I think of that little girl every time I hear it (thanks goodness it is an old song and I only hear it once a year or so). Here are some of the lyrics:

How sad that the song makes reference to a weave. The Mom said the little girl would run through the house and say "Choo Choo!" 

I can smell them tranquil breezes from a mile away
Graduated from Boone up to Alize
Baby, you looking tough to death
Got your weave done right, it's on so tight
Now it's on tonight, yeah, yeah
Right about now it's about that time for me to holler
Girl, I wanna waller in the back of my Impala
Woo, don't need no tickets for this thing
Just jump on in, let me hit them switches on the train
And it ain't no thing, it's all the same
Get on the train tracks
Here we go, so get on the floor
And put a hump in your back
So pack your bags, come on, get ready, say what?
We're coming through your town
Move your arm up and down
And make that choo choo sound, like this

The next day the little girl died. Day shift told me the Mom's screams were blood curdling.