Sunday, August 21, 2011

Breaking My Emotional Hymen

I have decided to wind this blog down. I got this email today from gbs. He is an old boyfriend from the late 80's and a wise man...

I recommend that you stop your blog.  Your man friend doesn't want to be another character in this story.  If this doesn't work out, and I certainly hope it does, you can start writing again.  If you need to write, which is an excellent need, then start another blog.  I miss the blog when it is not there but you are not writing it for me.
Take care, gbs

I have gone back and forth over the past few blog or not to blog. When I read gbs' email it made me think. I showed it to Polly. Her reply was, "what if ManFriend™ wrote a blog and you didn't have access to it? Wouldn't that be a red flag?" She was right. ManFriend™ does know about the blog (the fact it exists and I write under a different name). I mentioned it in passing and told him I had written much since we got serious. His only comment was, "I couldn't put myself out there."

I will close this thing down with a story of hope (laced with a bit of dysfunction). A couple of weekends ago I was on my porch with ManFriend™. I was watering and deadheading some of my plants. My hose was leaking and needed to be replaced. I asked ManFriend™ to unscrew it and put it in the trash can. He looked at the dripping water and said, "it's all wet and the hanging plants are dripping. I'll do it after the water evaporates." I'm not sure filter was not screwed on tight, I said, "what are you...a fucking pussy?" he looked at me with a confused expression. He slowly walked back into my house. I walked in and saw that he was putting on his jeans. He told me he was going home, to the library, then to the gym and he would be back later (we had plans to go to the movies.) I told him I was kidding and I was sorry. He said that it was an inappropriate thing to say even in jest. I got defensive and gave him the "this is the way I talk" speech. He calmly said it was disrespectful.  He hugged me, told me he loved me and said he would be back at 5. I was speechless. He left. I promptly ate 3 popsicles in a row, cleaned my already spotless house and sent Lynn an email to set up an appointment. STAT. When he got back at 5 I told him I was really sorry and I would not do that again. He smiled and said thank you and we got ready to go out.

The Lynn appointment--I told her the story. She never flinched at the "What are you a fucking pussy?" comment. are some comments I received when telling the story to others:

  • Hairdresser (from NY): "oh no you ddd'ent!!!"
  • Sulie-"What did your face look like when you said it? Oh no, I know how ManFriend™ felt. Poor ManFriend™"
  • Niece Jackie--Choked on her breakfast sandwich.
  • Gynecologist-(had appt to change BCP. Hormones came up). "Penelope, I can't see you talking that way...let's see what new pill we can change you to..."
Back to Lynn. She said, "he sounds healthy", "he set boundaries". She said I was a "virgin" when it came to healthy relationships. She was right. She said except for the one a long time ago (that would be gbs). She asked me what I would do if I had a really nice family heirloom given to me. I said I would take care of it, keep it safe, treasure it...she said, "wouldn't you do the same thing for ManFriend™?"

So I have broken my emotional hymen.

I thank everyone for the emails, comments and support over the past 2 years. What started as an impulse to purge about a shitty time became a way to heal (and laugh). I'm going to leave this open in case someone Googles "cheating" or "ManGroomer", or if some big Hollywood producer wants to make a movie of this. I vote for Sandra Bullock to play me.


Friday, August 19, 2011

Working Fake Boob vs. Real Boob

My friend just called me with a random thought. She said, "working real boob looks so much better than working fake boob." Apparently she had seen both types recently (a fake boob woman "working it" and a real boob woman "working it"). It was profound.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Catching you Up

Okay, I'm going to give a Reader's Digest version. Met ManFriend™ in April. Hit it off. Shared a bit of my history with him. Slowly. In passing comments. (Just top line info--divorced because of cheating. Not the gruesome details). He shared his. He's been married twice. The first wife cheated. Second one it didn't work out. He remains on good terms with both. Number 1 was a long time relationship and they have realized they can be friends (kind of like me with my Number 1). Number 2 recently remarried. He's been divorced since 2005. No children. He checked out on

Went on dates. Had fun. Invited him to my place to watch a movie. Did it.  


Oh but you know creeps into my mind. This guy can't be real. I'm missing something. All guys suck.

I kept it under wraps. It is easy to be cool chick in the beginning. Waking up with fresh breath--thanks to oral hygiene done at 0600 in the morning before he wakes up. Clear sparkling skin--thanks to powder and blush applied after oral hygiene. Always perky--thanks to wine and sex.

Here we are 4 months later. He leaves his cell phone on the counter. There is no slinking away to text. He takes Daisy for walks (actually he runs with her). He scoops out the cat box. He puts dishes in the dishwasher.

Normal people would think...I am in a relationship with someone that is my emotional equal. That would be too easy. And sane.

Can't think of a title

It has been a really long time. My cousin in Hawaii says this blog is how she keeps in touch and knows I'm okay. My out of state friends say it's better than FaceBook. I have wondered about shutting it down. One very Wise Friend told me that I needed to do an "ending" if I do stop blogging. 

It made me think about what is so different that I don't have as much time to sit down and write. My job still sucks the big one, but it doesn't interfere. School starts next week. ManFriend™ (I may have to think of a new name) and I spend about 4 nights together. It's not like I'm in bed getting down 24 hours a day. Wise Friend (mentioned above) commented that it may have been easier to write when assholes (men I didn't respect or care for) were in my life vs. writing about someone that I care about.

I thought about it and I think I can share the transition to a healthy relationship vs. dysfunctional and all around fucked up.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

ipad Prisoner

I used to be shackled to my ipad. It went to bed with me under a pillow. I carried it in my purse.

I have broken the shackles. Don't get me wrong--I can still spend hours clutching it. Email, quick Internet searches, Words With Friends (which is like crack by the way...)

One of my friends named her ipad Esteban. Another one has Bruno. (I'm having deja blog--I may have mentioned this before.)

This is the picture I got when I googled "chained to ipad".

It is a computer wallpaper. What kind of creep using this???


I believe in mystery when it comes to men and women. No one will see me flossing, peeing (I've done it in the past--no more), picking my teeth, shaving my legs, tweezing, or any other maintenance/body function.

One of my work friends poops in front of her husband. Yuck! How does one get a hard-on after seeing his wife poop? She reason that he saw it when she had their son. May I say it again? YUCK.

Manfriend™ has learned my ways of mystery. He does not floss in front of me. He knows to leave me alone in the bathroom.

I say let them think you are a "Natural Beauty".

Correlation between having sex and blog time...

I've gotten many emails asking me where I've been. I just got back from a trip, but it was only a week. I was surprised to see my last post was June 2. It made me wonder if there is a correlation between my lack of blogging and starting a new relationship. I used to blog at night and on the weekends. I'm pretty busy on the weekends, but I still have time in the evenings. I have a really long list of subjects. It is so interesting to me that when I was once so prolific (as my friend GBS commented) and now I'm not as disciplined at writing.

I do believe there is a direct correlation between having sex and blog time...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

25 years of Oprah - Let's thank Oprah for 25 years of helping us justify being completely insane about our weight fluctuations

You know, I can't decide if I love Oprah or if I want to kick her in the box...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Dating after divorcing a ManGroomer™

People, I got boyfriend, a lover, a companion (what the hell do I call a guy I like, we do it and he spends the night when I'm 46?) I shall refer to him as my Manfriend™.

I've been keeping my red flag detector hidden. Of course I did a full background check on He truly was divorced for 5 years. He really does have a condo he is buying. He's polite. He plans dates. One night he asked me if I was comfortable in bed because he had his arm around me. I almost had a fuckin seizure. I've never had a guy ask me if I was comfortable. They sure will tell you if you inadvertently bump them with your elbow and it hurts while you're blowing them. Ugh. This one is different.

We talked tonight about what our "Issues" were. He quietly said his are around trust and fear of abandonment. (his father died when he was 11--same as me). I agreed that when you lose a parent that young that abandonment could come up. It was my turn to share. People, we know I got a long ass list. I stuck with the top level items. Trust particularly around cheating. I experienced a large amount betrayal in a short period of time--John, tool, Spencer, Special Ops Boy and Dillhole. Thank god I didnt sleep with them all. My other one is convincing myself that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't tell him that one. I can't show all my crazy cards. I also know I can be kinda sassy to cover up my nerves.

He will occasionally say that I am "crazy". I had him clarify that he meant in a funny way. I told him I've had extensive sessions with the finest therapist in Tampa Bay and I'm essentially cured. Some of my friends read this,but more strangers follow the blog. I talk like I write. It's in my mind and my mouth is open and the words tumble out.

Tonight I told him I write a blog(and that I haven't blogged much lately since I was making up for lost time in the sex department). I also told him I would not feel comfortable letting him read it. Some is me at my worse. A lot of me at my funniest. It may show sides that a manfriend may never see and may not need to see. He said he understood. Give me your opinion. You guys have been reading this since the beginning.

He's kind and really smart. He's good looking. He loves my animals. I started to fall when he kissed my dog on the head goodbye. He doesn't compliment with words. I don't like to fish for em either. Lord knows after the road I've been these past few years a girl has gotta hear some nice stuff. I stare at his eyes and his smile and I think that's it. That's his compliment. And then he pets Daisy.

I need a secret Manfriend™ decoder ring...

Exes Birthdays--Have your own party

Today is John's 50th birthday. I looked at the date this afternoon and remembered. He often had big blowout parties to celebrate. Polly pointed out that most men have their drivers license by the time they are 50.  That made me laugh.

When will the jokes at John's expense ever end? Sulie did a spoken word voice memo about John. It is classic. I wish I could post audio on here. It says some like like, John, You're a fat fuck and it's not bad luck, it's choices. And you know what? You're a fat fuck. It is classic. Tonight she sends me a Talking Tom e Cat video (some apple app) where the cat says, "you know what? You're a fat fuck.

I missed the bullet with that mutha FUCKA. I say next year I need to whip up some daiquiris and boil me up some crawfish to celebrate.