I went on a match.com date...

I was holding out...I didn't tell you all that I had emailed back and forth with one of the few sane men on match. I am kind of superstitious--like when you don't tell anyone you're interviewing for a job. We met last Wednesday for a glass of wine. He is 52 (7 years older than me), divorced for 2 years, has 3 grown daughters and works in the legal field. We agreed not to talk on the phone. I've found when I did match last year that it works best just to meet at Starbuck's or for a quick drink. You talk on the phone, the guy sounds great and then you meet someone that doesn't look like his picture and has stank breath (true story). And there is the whole voice thing. I spoke to SOB on the phone first. He has a very unmasculine voice that totally turned me off (should have listenend to my gut...), same thing with Spencer (he sounded totally faggy (again, should have listened to my gut...). But then again, John had a great voice and he is a sociopath.

Let me do a quick walk down Internet dating memory lane. These fine stories are from when I dabbled with match and eharmony in early 2008.

• Large, Stank Breath Guy: Don't remember his name. Great on paper, EXCEPT his 2 boys lived out of state with their Mom. I now know that is a red flag for me. He was funny and smart on the phone. Very cute in pictures (yeah, because they were at least 10 years and 50 pounds prior). We met at Flemings. He was late because he got lost (he was new to the area). He was in a minor rage at himself for getting lost. I told him it was okay and then I smelled the breath...I gulped my wine fast. This is funny--I think I blocked it out until now. SOB was coming over after 0900 pm and I needed to get home!  Never saw stank boy again...
• No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy: This guy is hot. He had e-mailed me a few times and we talked on the phone. He was cocky. I ignored his emails. He pursued. I was bored. I met him at Starbuck's. He lives in St. Pete and was in Tampa for business off of Hillsborough Ave. He asked me where there was a Starbuck's close by. I sent him the address. We met. He kept complaining because he thought it was "in the hood." The whole time his eyes were looking over my shoulder or past my head. I gulped my O.J., smiled and said I had to get back to work. He texted me later and said, :so what do you think?". I replied, "I think you were really distracted." Never saw No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy again...until, I just saw last week that he viewed my profile on match. He has been blocked...
• The Cat Whisperer: Okay, this one was a HOT POCKET. We went to MacDinton's for drinks. Good voice, good breath, good body. We made out in the parking lot (I was damaged--don't judge me!). We made a date for the following Friday night. We went to Royal Thai. They all know me there. When I went to the bathroom, Tap, the owner said in her Asian accent, "Penelope, he soooo good looking!" We "saw" each other quite a few times. I had a double feature the first night I saw him. We made out (just kissing, mind you) and then I saw SOB later. My sister and I laughed about that one. I ran home and did a costume change and I was ready for the second show...the reason for the name was he would get on the floor naked (post doing it) and talk to my cats). They loved him. One time I walked into my bedroom and all I see is his balls dangling and he's baby talking to May. He was too good looking (there is such a thing) and very neurotic (he'd straighten my pictures, make my bed {freakishly weird} and would constantly tell me things I needed to do to my house). He texted me about 6 months ago. I didn't respond...
• Boring University of Tampa Professor: He bored me. Nuff said...

So, as for the date the other night. I think it went well. We laughed a lot, never had a lull in the conversation and his voice was good. I still have an age hang up that I need to address with my shrink. He is 7 years older than me. He works out, rides his bike, dives and is in good shape. It's not like he came to the date wearing Depends™! He said he would like to see me again. I'll see what happens. I left for Key Largo the next day for a work meeting. I haven't heard from him and I am not sure if that is a bad sign. My work buddy E told me it may take a few days and that the guy may be playing it cool. E is also married and has been with his lovely wife for 20 years. He don't know shit about dating but I do need to blog about him. He is one of the GOOD guys. Stay tuned for that one!

Time for another FREAK

Someone please tell me what the gift bag means?

And his profile:

And yes, Island Dancing and his giftbag have been blocked...

Junk Memories

I'm going to give you some background on my relationship with Annie through the years. It will help make more sense why I questioned motive of her sending the twin's graduation pictures.  

Let's see...John and Annie had 50/50 custody. The boys would come home from school on Friday to our house, be at our house the entire week and get off the bus at Annie's the following Friday. I had met Annie while we were dating. It was a day when we were dropping the boys off at their Grandmother's (Annie's Mom) in Baton Rouge. She and her Mom came out and were really nice. Her Mom hugged John (I took this as a good sign and recall at the time John had told me the marriage ended because they had "just grown apart").

I'm going to bullet point things to keep the timeline straight in my mind:

• Meet in Baton Rouge. Annie looked me up and down and seemed to be very interested in my shoes. I forgot what I had on but you know they rocked!
• Lots of phone calls from Annie to John while we were together. Especially when he was down here visiting me for the weekend. Often the subject of the call would be something non-urgent. One time it was buying new sneakers for the boys. I once asked John if she knew he was in Tampa. He replied, "yes, I always let her know when I come down her in case anything comes up with the boys." The calls would be at all times throughout the weekend. I recall thinking, "I wonder why she is calling about benign things that can hold until Monday?" She would also do this if we were on vacation. It bugged me, but this was the first time I had dated someone with kids.I remember asking John about it. I said something like, does she have to call while we are together if the subjects are not burning? I said I totally understood that the boys would (and should) call whenever they wanted to talk to him, but his ex wife while we were on vacation? He got defensive and told me his boys came first. I was nipped.
• Moving on to when we decided to get married. I had gone to Lafayette several times to go house hunting. John was renting a house from...you guessed it! Annie. We made an offer on a home that was almost finished. It was going to be in the Parade of Homes and the builder was using this one to really sell his work. It was so exciting. The upstairs was perfect for the boys. J would have his own room. The twins would share a room (they always ended up in each other's room at night anyway), there was an office area to do homework and there was a huge bonus room that we had finished as a playroom. Our wedding was in March. The house would be complete one month later. The Parade of Homes was the first 2 weekends in April. The builder had his designer stage the house for the parade. I would move from Florida after the parade. John wanted to surprise the boys. He had told them we were looking for a house, but didn't tell them we had closed on one. On the first Saturday of the parade he took them to a couple of houses. When they got to ours they were saying how much they liked it. He said, "that's great because this is your home!" It was fun--they called me and it was really exciting. I had not seen the completed house yet since I was still in Tampa and dealing with selling my house (this was during the time that bidding wars start before the sign is in the yard. Oh those were the days...) John would send me pictures of the house. I couldn't wait. The next weekend I get an email from Annie telling me how beautiful the house was.  She had gone to the parade and been in the house before me. Call me a bitch, but it bugged me. She started telling me how the designer decorated it and what she thought. I said thank you and swallowed my pissed-off-ness.
• John's birthday is in June (recall he is the epitome of everything bad about a Gemini!). On the morning of his birthday we were in bed and I had brought him his presents. He had gotten a call and he played the VM on speaker thinking it was the boys. It was Annie and her sister singing Happy Birthday. Annie says "Happy Birthday Sweet John." Thank goodness we had already fucked because hearing that dried me right up, if you know what I'm saying and I THINK that you do...
• Several months after I moved there I was in my office doing some computer work. I had taken a shower and had on a robe and my hair in a towel. I heard some talking in the kitchen. It was just me and John there. I creep into the hall and listen. I hear Annie's voice. John tells me to come out and say hello. She's sitting at the island sipping a coffee. WTF? I'm there in a robe with my hair in a turban. I smile and wave and say I need to get ready for work. Similar things happened over the next 2 months. One of the twins rented a movie at Blockbuster and took it to our place. She goes over there while we are gone (the boys had a code they punched in on the garage to get in) and goes upstairs and looks for it in the playroom.  I find out she used the code and went in. Now THAT pissed me off. I told John it was our home and there needed to be boundaries. He agreed and asked her not to do it again. She said she had a late fee at Blockbuster and it needed to be returned...
• The clincher was Christmas. The gift from the boys to John was all the videos from when they were babies/toddlers/elementary were converted to DVD. On the front of each DVD there were still shots of the theme--baptism, birthdays, etc. There were something like 15 DVDs. I can't tell you how many had Annie on the front. The boys were so excited. They loved seeing movies of when they were little with both their Mom and Dad together. Girl, I talked to my close friends. Everyone agreed this was not an innocent gift. One Saturday while John was golfing I got out the DVDs to watch. There was the sonogram of the twins, Annie videoing a new house, her talking to John and calling him "Papa" and "Babe". I had been an new wife and step mom for 6 months. As I got to probably the 6th DVD I was sitting there with tears rolling down my face. The twins in the kitchen banging pots, J running through the house asking "when are the babies getting here?" with John and Annie talking to him. I felt like a voyeur. I felt like an outsider. It sucked. When John got home from golf I told him how the DVDs upset me. I was expecting understanding. Instead I got anger, "how can you be mad that she gave me a priceless gift of videos of my boys?", he yelled. I told him he was missing the point. That she was in 80% of the videos and her voice was in all of them. He said, "fine, I'll put them away." It was tense. 
• I realized at that point I needed someone to talk to. I looked at counselors available on my insurance. I picked one that did not have a name that ended in -eaux and called her. My first question was "are you from Louisiana?" She said "no, Illinois." Sold! I made an appt. Sharon was no Lynn, but she really helped with the struggles of being a new step mom. I told her about the DVDs and asked if I was being unreasonable. I'll never forgot her response, she put down her pen and put her hands in her lap. She said, "Giving those DVDs under the guise that they are from the boys was incredibly narcissistic." Wow. I thought she would say something like, "oh she meant well."
• Many of my appointments with Sharon revolved around setting limits with both Annie and John. I had to deal with a request to watch her dog for 3 days while she and her husband went on vacation. My answer was I didn't think it was a good idea and she should board him. Annie would call John and ask for help setting up new TVs, installing fans, you name it. I would ask what Rickie thought (Annie's husband). John would reply that he wasn't very "handy."

I just looked at the clock and I need to seize the day. I could type for hours. What I listed above goes from April of 2005 to around February of 2006. The next chapter will consist of pyramid marketing schemes, the camp and birthdays. Stay tuned.

Penelope disclaimer--Annie has been great to me after the whole Pao thing. I think we were like 2 soldiers that had been through the same war. We shared the PTSD of John and that was our common ground. However, there is some pathology there!

Mental Junk Mail

Today I came home and got the mail out of the mailbox:

• Oprah mag--good
• Those stupid checks from Discover that they send every week and I keep shredding them
• Electric bill
• Card from Annie

I walked in the door and was greeted by a happy dog that was raring to go for a walk. I tossed the mail and opened the card from Annie. She wrote:

Hi Penelope,

Just a note to say hello!

I know the boys were a BIG part of your life at one time. I wanted you to have a picture of their senior portraits.

Love you,

Annie

Two pictures fell from the envelope. The twins looked like man version of the little boys I met 6 years ago. I stared at the pictures. I wondered if they knew she sent me a card. One of the twins looks just like John. I felt my eyes fill with tears. They were sad/bad/mad tears. Daisy yipped a come on let's GO yip! I headed out and walked with the little dog pulling me forward. I wondered about Annie's motivation. I thought about how many of you commented after the video thing on Mother's Day. 

Now what do I do? An email saying thanks for sending the pictures? They made me sad and I don't know what to do with them other than stuffing them in my desk drawer. Or just ignore it? (not my style). Ugh...

Isn't it Ironic...

• That my new dog Daisy took a dump in my cheated-on-his-wife-and-got-his-girlfriend pregnant neighbor's yard...and there was no bag available to pick it up so it remains in his cheated-on-his-wife-and-got-his-girlfriend pregnant neighbor's yard?

Closure

This one is an oldie but a goodie that my friend L sent me...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcase.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back..

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........they even took the curtain rods.....

Knocking

I sent Annie an email a couple of days ago telling her about Daisy. She wrote back on Sunday (Mothers Day) and said how cute she was. She asked me if I had and iphone told me they were heading to Baton Rouge (where the boys now live for school and her family lives) and that she would knock me when they got there. I didn't know what knock meant. I googled it under iphone apps and it is an application where you can video something live and your friend can see it on their end. It does not have sound, but it is very cool. I downloaded it and sent Annie my user name. A few hours later I hear a knocking noise from my phone. I click on it and accept the "knock" from Annie. I see a big green back yard and she starts to scan the area. First in view is A. He is one of the twins. He smiles at the camera and makes a peace sign. I feel like I got to know their body language when I lived with them. A's smile was sincere and I feel like the peace sign was like an olive branch. The the camera goes to J. He is the oldest. He is throwing a football. He stops and turns to the camera and waves with a big smile on his face. Then the camera slowly swings over to H. The other twin. The one that would send me so many sweet texts. The one that when I lived there was always my favorite (I know biological parents always say they don't have a favorite. Perhaps I'm wrong, but he was the one that I really connected with. He is also the one that texted me when John told them to not speak to me. H told me "I never thouhgt you would do this to my dad."). The camera went to H and he was sitting at a picnic table with his hand over his forehead and eyes like he was shielding them from the sun. There is a pause and he removes his hand and does a limp wave. The camera then goes to Annie's husband and then to her where she smiles and waves. Then the camera goes off and I get a messgae that she has "left the knock." I sat there quiet for a few minutes. They had all grown so much. It was the first time I had "seen" them since I took John back to court and the judge ruled in my favor about the money he owed me. At that time, A. stayed quiet. J. had sent me an email telling me he understood my anger, but could I please stop the lawsuit and that he loved me. H. simply told me via text that he couldn't beleive I was doing this. Annie had told me that John told the boys, "There will be no money for college now because of Penelope." Annie tried to reason with them that I was getting back what was mine and that John has mismanaged his finances. That was about a year ago and I had not had any contact with the boys since then. I am not sure why Annie did that. I could almost imagine her behind the camera telling the boys, "It's Penelope, smile and wave!"  Watching H. look up with apathy broke my heart. I kept seeing it in my mind the rest of the day. I remembered how they made me a card on the first Mother's Day after John and I married. I got it out and looked at it. Then I just stared out the window a while.

Coitus Hiatus

I get daily emails from Urban Dictionary. Today really resonated with me:

Coitus Hiatus

To have a break from sex, derived from the two words coitus and hiatus.

Allow me to use in a sentence. I am not giving up on men, I have just decided to take a Coitus Hiatus after all the freaks I've met over the last couple of years...

FWB

Don't Date Him Girl

I have got a website for you--Don't Date Him Girl. It is the best. Women post warnings about guys. It is total GIRL POWER! 

http://dontdatehimgirl.com/home/

Here is a screen shot to give you an idea of what it looks like:

I will tell you what...I have been giving apple-shift-4 command a workout lately. What would my blog be without screenshots?  This fine specimen happens to be a guy one of my friends dated last year. He called her today because his present GF read it. Too funny. My friend had forgotten she posted this. She has moved on! Notice the website conveniently directs you where to go for rehab after you read about an alcoholic. Genius!

I am thinking I could come up with a similar site...it would be called Don't MARRY Him Girl. Or better yet, GIRL DON'T YOU KNOW HE IS FUCKING MARRIED?.com