Blink

Since I've been doing the online dating thing, I have noticed that I really have definite opinions about things. I am sure my friends just busted out laughing when they read that.  Ever read the book Blink? Here are the flash thoughts I have when I read a profile:

• Don't drink...shit, another alcoholic. 
• I have 2 kids but they don't live with me...great, a deadbeat dad.
• I don't read or "the last thing I read was your profile"...ok, a dumbshit.
• If they take their picture in the mirror...Ew, don't you have any friends?
• A picture of their Harley, Boat or Car...Probably has a small dick or is in major debt or BOTH!
• They enjoy dancing...Not manly or a cheater (John was a really good dancer).

There could be perfectly reasonable explanations:

• Don't drink...don't like the taste or the feeling. 
• I have 2 kids but they don't live with me...great, they're in college
• I don't read or "the last thing I read was your profile"...ok, still a dumbshit.
• If they take their picture in the mirror...they don't want to tell their friends they're on match
• A picture of their Harley, Boat or Car...they have a big dick and feel their self worth is defined by their possessions.
• They enjoy dancing...They think that is what a woman wants to hear.

Well, Italy is on my list of places I want to visit

Double click on the picture if it is not full screen. I continue to look gorgeous? He stuggkle with english. Do we think this is real???

I may not have a man...

...But I got a dog! I adopted a dog from the Humane Society this week. This was what was listed as her description:

"Hi my name is Shyla and I am an adorable little Chihuahua/ Terrier mix. I only weigh about 8 pounds, but have a big personality. I am currently living in a foster home where they say I am an incredible little dog. Not much is known about my past, but I am a happy and loving little girl. I love everybody and love to be around my humans. I love to follow my humans around the house and just keep them company. I am well behaved and laid back. I am good with the bathroom, good on the leash, and good in the car. My foster parents go to work and leave me loose in the house and I do great. I get along great with dogs my size to great big dogs. I am good with cats as well. I am quiet around the house and wish nothing more than to give you my love and companionship. 

While I have been in foster care, it has been found that I have a collapsed trachea. This is common in small breeds and will not affect me living a long, healthy, and normal life. It is necessary that I remain on Hydrocodone medicine to help alleviate my coughing due to the collapsed trachea. This medicine needs to be taken daily for the rest of my life and is about $15 a month. In addition, it is important that a harness be used on me versus a regular collar. My exercise level should also be more relaxed. All of this combined will help me be comfortable and will lead to me living a perfectly normal life.

I am such a happy and confident little dog that does great with all I meet. My foster parents say that I have been such an easy dog to have in the house. I would do great with most families and would just love to find the home that I can give my huge heart to. 

I called the foster Mom last Saturday and she told me that a family was set to meet Shyla on Tuesday night. She said they told her they had a Shitzu that was sometimes aggressive with other dogs but they wanted to meet Shyla and see what happens. She said they sounded very nice and she told them they could meet. We agreed that the foster Mom would call me if it didn't work out. Operation Shyla then went into full effect. I had her picture on my phone. I forwarded to my friends. There was praying, there was a picture on the fridge at Polly's, there was postive thinking...It was a major test of my patience. On Tuesday night I got a call from the foster Mom--The other dog did not do well with Shyla. She wanted to know if I was still interested! I went on meet her on Wednesday night. She was tiny and cute as could be.  We met in a room to see if it was a "match". I already knew it was as I got on the floor and played with her. I looked at her eyes and knew it!

I suspect it has been evident in my blog postings that I have been kinda sad lately. I'm not sure what it was--I know I have my health, my sissie, great friends, job, house, cool cats...I just felt blah. I was even put on Zoloft. I found that rather than feeling better I was even more blah. Being the typical nurse, I started to wean myself off and THEN I called the doctor to see what she thought. She told me that you can stop Zoloft pretty quick and I did. I totally feel like my old self and I have to say who needs a fucking pill when you have...

I hope my identity is still all incognito since this picture is blurry. By the way--I got the dress at Target! Liberty of London! $34.99!, but I digress.

Let's get to the name: Shyla. I googled it and Shyla Stylez is a porn star.

hmmm...I didn't like it. My niece told me it sounded like when I would do an impression of cajuns with the "how ya doin thar Sha?" Time for a name change. The leash and harness the foster Mom gave me had a daisy on it. There it was--DAISY! Daisy the Antidepressant Dog™!

A Lizard AND He's Overseas

Please tell me you kiss/hug your husband/BF/Wife/GF after looking at this shit! I worry I am posting too many screen shots. It's like an addiction...I say I'm going to quit and then I see something like this!

People...I can't make this stuff up

Labels

I just looked at the labels from my posts and the leaders are Internet Dating and ManGroomer™ with Liar and Special Ops Boy tied for 2nd. 

It has been 4 months since I started blogging. I can tell you with complete honesty that I if I conjure up an image of the Artist Formerly Known as My Husband, my heart rate remains unchanged, my hands don't sweat and my stomach doesn't turn. I just tested it by thinking about when he proposed on bended knee by Terminal A at Tampa International. Nothing. I can remember the night I read his texts to Dao. It all seems so long ago and I just feel nothing towards him. I don't know if it is because I have totally purged every bit of venom I had for him by broadcasting stories of ManGrooming™ and Vienna Sausages... or is it just time. I've heard the urban legends of formulas for getting over a break-up. One of my friends told me it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over a break-up. Well, that is some bullshit. 

I saw a commercial last night for match.com that said 1 out of 5 relationships starts online. You mean to tell me that Pube Man and Miss IamsoHOT are going to end up in a relationship? Will Alakzam find the love of his life in her apron with nothing else on underneath? Well, that is also some bullshit. 

As for Liars and Special Ops Boy...I thought of him last night when I was watching my favorite chick show, Army Wives. They showed a female colonel talking to her husband and baby girl on a web cam from the Middle East. I am sure he does the same thing with his wife. He is no different that John, Tiger, Jesse James, The Original AssClown, and the liars that many of you had written to me about...I will never understand the ability to put one's own selfish needs ahead of another person. Particularly your wife and children.

I just had a revelation. I don't need to understand it. Why should I? It is not what I am about. Just like I don't understand being a meth head or a NASCAR fan (love you Ali!), why should I understand (i.e. or accept) lying and cheating?

I had to poke the hornet's nest...

Pube Guy has been bugging me all day...The Punisher™ came out in me. I sent him a message and he replied!:

Hmmm

I think the addage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, it's best not to say it all" applies here. Thanks for your input and happy searching.

you said

10 minutes ago

Picture

I am really surprised they let you post the picture with your boxers pulled down and the pubes sticking out. Wouldn't you do better on adult friend finder?

Just wondering..

He got me--except I know adage has 1 d!

Women on match are freaks too

The other night Polly came over for dinner. I made a fabulous salad with mixed baby greens, all kinds of veggies, blueberries and raspberries, topped with shrimp and raspberry vinaigrette dressing. We opened a yummy bottle of Pinot Noir. As we ate the conversation went to men. We started to compare notes on the freaks of match.com. I just realized that could be a TV show like the Housewives of Orange County. The Freaks of Match.com™. I have posted quite a few things about match. I wonder if their secret match.com police are going to start tailing me. I will have to watch for an unmarked car in front of the house. What kind of car would a match.com private eye drive? I am thinking a 1978 Corvette. Red. With flames on the side. Polly had the excellent idea of looking on match and seeing what the women in our age group look like. The lap top came out and I would like to present the winner to you...

Notice she is "currently separated". Her profile is so classic that I must cut and paste for your amazement:

I am strictly looking for the nice guy... (This does not translate to: boring. fat, ugly, etc.) 

The kind that show up when they say they will, and make plans with you in advance. The kind that introduce you to their friends, not because they want to show off, but because they like you so much, and they know all their friends will too... 

About you: 
1) Crack me up...funny guys are HOT 
2) Engaging personality 
3) Intelligent and Educated..smart guys are HOT 
4) Full life and are looking for a complement, not a completion 
5) Great friends and family 
6) Mature and easily able to communicate feelings 
7) Physically Fit/Active..fat guys...not HOT lol 
8) Full set of teeth (your own) ;) 

About me: I am not a girly-girl. So if you are looking for someone that your mother can pass the baton to, I am not your girl. If you are looking for someone you consider a partner, an equal, a yin to your yang (you get the idea) then read on...I am very dry witted and can think of 100 better ways to spend my time than in a mall. 

I was raised by an independent woman and have evolved into one myself. So you won't hear me asking you to carry my packages, or pump my gas, but I am always impressed if you do. 

Tips and Hints: 
1) If we go out on a date and I don't hear from you for 48 hours, I will assume you are "not that in to me." 
2) If you do not have a facebook page, it will not translate to me that you are "too cool," it will translate that you are either (a) have no friends (b) just plain creepy, or (c) have been in a coma for the last 3 years 
3) If you text message me on a Friday with "wut chu doin 2night sexy?" I will not consider this an invitation, I will consider this a booty call, and will treat it as such...click 
4) If you text message me, or email me more than you call me on the phone, I will assume you do not have the time for a date, much less a relationship 

Please save yourself some time if: 
1) you have ever described a wine by its "oaky bouquet" 
2) if you have ever been a "guest" on Cops, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, you get the idea.. 
3) you do any drugs other than alcohol 
4) you do not have a job 
5) you are at the gym more than you are at the office (unless you just have a tremendous job, and then the next question is "are you hiring”) 
6) ) Are over 40 and have never been married/been a parent. Especially if your reply is, " I haven't found the "right one" yet." GAG! 
7) you drop words like "sushi," "amazing," and/or "incredible" into your daily verbiage 
8) you do not know what "verbiage" means 

Ahhh this is fun...ok I'll stop

Why is there a mirror across from the toilet?

Do you ever wonder about that? Just now I had the pleasure of gazing at myself with my hair pulled up in a headband, a clay mask on my face and purple glasses. It was pretty and it made me think (my favorite thing to do, ya know) about the whole whether or not one should go to the bathroom in front of their mate. I think it takes away from the whole mystery. Let me be clear--I am taking about peeing. There is NO place for pooping in front of your mate. It's just not sexy. There is no way for a woman to look hot while wiping after you pee. I like to give the impression that I don't even poop to a man. If you time it right, you can go to their place for the night and it never comes up. I told my stepsons that I never pooped and the twins believed me. They were 13 at the time. If you don't believe me, watch yourself wipe next time. I know one of the bathrooms in your house has a mirror across from the toilet. It is the architects' cruel joke.  Not sexy.

Freak #4

I wake up, it's a beautiful day, I get the paper and I look at the computer...Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Freak #4:

Okay, this guy looks normal. His profile is kind of funny and THEN...the self taken photo of him in the bathroom with his boxers pulled down to the pube line! People, you can see the start of his pubes! What the HELL!