I got an email yesterday from a guy that read the blog. He commented that it was intense and that meant I was intense. He also said there was a lot of energy and he wasn't sure if it was anger. He commented how I was obviously stung by a man and hurt by it so many years ago. I read the email a couple of times to make sure I understood it. I felt my cheeks turn red. Not anger...embarrassment. He asked if I felt like it would make it difficult for me to get into a serious relationship again. Email is so hard to get sometimes--I'm in a thing with my boss right now about communication gone haywire. But back to this...I've never censored what I write. I certainly have hit "publish" and then wondered if it was too much. Usually the posts that make me a bit nervous are the ones I get the most emails saying things like, "I feel that way too!"
I don't think the guy meant the email to be mean--he was just writing what he thought. I replied and said I wrote how I felt at the time. I laughingly thought to myself should I change the blog name to the "She-Woman Man Haters Club"? Then I really thought about it. Can you put a timeline on anger? Is there an acceptable amount of time to be hurt before a siren goes off telling you that your time is up? I've got 2 kinds of readers on here. Close friends and complete strangers. My friends would say I am not this bitter woman punching her way through life. I told him in my reply that I did not feel defensive, but I will admit this morning I am starting to feel like I should type things like "but, but, this, this and this happened....!" I'm not going to do that. 3 years ago I could have eaten my way to 200 lbs, drank a bottle of wine a night, stayed on my sofa watching some dumb ass Housewives show and chanted "All Men Suck" until the end of time. Instead I gained 10 lbs, drank 2 glasses of wine a night and ate tortilla chips for dinner while watching trendy series on HBO and Showtime while chanting, "I can't believe I didn't see it."
I think there is a continuum of hurt and anger. We all have different timelines and don't necessarily process things the same way. I met a couple of guys post John that were toxic (Spencer and SOB). It makes sense that if I was still mired in the gunk that I would attract equally unhappy people.
Perhaps this is an opportunity for a new invention? Chappelle hit on it in one of his sketchs:
Wrap It Up Box - watch more funny videos
Wow....this hit home for me. I am still angry myself, and "processing" what happened in my marriage despite the fact I do not love him anymore and really have no feelings but annoyance, disdain and general dislike. I have good days and bad days. I think I want pure revenge, which I know is not "right" but in some way I want him to feel the pain he put me through with his secret friends and more. I find myself annoyed that even though we are still married, living apart for the past year, and working on separation of fiscal responsibility prior to divorce, my louse of a spouse feels empowered to go on dates and tell women that "all he wanted to do was get married and have a family but his wife had other ideas". (I think he is lining up wife #3) Damn right I did -- I had ideas of fidelity, no adultery and him not wanting to wear MY undies and clothes. I get so annoyed each weekend when I know he is out having a good time, but will call me to whine about not having money to do yearly maintenance on my ex car. I find myself resenting the fact he can spend money on dates but won't ante up any for a divorce nor will he fill out his financial statements to move this along. I still resent, despise and hate what he did to "ruin this marriage" and he still takes absolutely NO responsibility, yet I am so glad to be free of him and returned to my "true self" that I know I was not when I was with him. In order to cleanse my anger, I have created a flyer I want to mail to all his dating friends, their mothers, neighbors, and hang in the restroom of the local bookstores and coffee shops. I have not done it yet, but the flyer says "Do You Know This Man" and has his photos on it with a very long bullet list of his "bad" points. Is that intense? Will that keep me from pursuing other relationships? Maybe. I am well adjusted, excel at my job, have an excellent relationship with my 12 year old son, socialize and have great friendships. Is my anger time about up? Who knows.....Your postings have helped me, I have related to them and they have set me on the path to healing. I think you have recently transitioned into more of a social commentator, and that shows your progression through the "anger continuum" and that gives some of us newbies hope for the future. So, if the bell is pealing above my head to hurry up my anger, I am just not hearing it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jane. I think it is great you've been moving forward despite the fact you are still connected to Victor legally. Maybe take the flyers and have some type of burning bowl ceremony. I truly believe in karma. It sometimes takes awhile but it always comes around.
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