Friend Inventory

I can't take credit for that term. My sister just used it on the phone. I totally got what she was saying. I tend to think of my friends in categories: 

• Work friends: You work together and you bond in the BS of work. You can hang out at meetings, but you probably wouldn't be friends otherwise.
• Childhood friends: Friends since you were little. You can go for years without talking and everything is good when you see each other again.
• Nurse friends: More than a work friend. Went through hell together (like 'Nam, but in scrubs instead of camo). May or may not keep in touch, but like a childhood friend you can always pick up where you left off.
• Neighbor friends: You go to parties at your respective homes, help each other out, but stay out of each other's business. Sometimes become a true friend (Polly).
• Sister friends: Relatives that totally rock and are a true friend (Sulie and Jackie).
• Friends that are a boy: A guy friend that you can totally depend on yet you would never want to date/do (Birch).
• True friends: Someone you can depend on. There is a give and take. They remember the little things and get you. 

It is sad, Sulie brought this up because she was saying how she has really seen who her true friends are lately. I knew what she meant. After the John/Back Surgery/Get Laid off time in my life I went through the same thing. It has made me think about what kind of friend I am and who I want to have as a friend. In the past few years, I have started to speak up if things didn't feel right with a friend. Some have been receptive, others have not. Two years ago I "broke up" with a childhood friend that I had known since I was 14. She lives a few miles from me and we shop at the same Publix. I sometimes drive past her and it is weird. Her Mother once said to me that we couldn't expect the friendship to last 30 years and that we had grown into two very different adults. It was true, but sad. 

Top to Bottom Scan

Don't you hate it when people give you the top to bottom scan? You know what I'm talking about. They start with the hair and slowly go down to your feet taking in your outfit, jewelry, nails and shoes. Yesterday I was rocking some new kick ass shoes at my meeting. I kept getting looks because the shoes are blue. One woman was so obvious that I smiled and said, "Aren't they great? I just got them!" She was all stammering, "ahhh, ohhhh,...yes!". She was lucky I didn't insert my new shiny size 9 kick ass blue patent sling back up her ass...

It was really hard to take this picture. I put my lap top on the ground, hit the take picture button with the big toe of my right foot while deftly positioning my left foot for the picture. 

95% Done

I got a mani/pedi on Friday. I asked the shop owner Kim about Pao's new last name. She knows the whole John and Pao story. Kim's Mom is Vietnamese and her father is Chinese. She speaks Vietnamese, Chinese and English (very well--she has lived her since she was 7). You should have heard her spewing in Vietnamese to the other ladies in the shop asking about why Pao was Pao Trang and now she's Pao Dang. It sounded like: dannn dunn ai eeee uuuuuu Pao Trang deeeeeeee duuunnnnngg Pao Dang. Kim's hands were flying, the ladies faces got serious and then they laughed. They decided that Pao may have used her mother's last name in the letters she wrote to John, but that Dang is her father's last name. Gail (real name something like dan dunn keee) asked me, "why the hell you look her up?" I said, "I said I was feeling weird that day and I just did it." Kim then asked me if I thought Gail was pretty. I said yes (Gail is very pretty). She said, "let's take a picture of Gail and send it to your ex husband with a note that says Hey Fatty, here is a pretty Vietnamese woman unlike the one you are with now." I laughed and told Kim I was done with all that. Maybe not 100% (if I was I wouldn't have asked about her dumb ass name), but 95% done.

100% Done

I got an email from Jane (recall the Victor's Secret post) asking if it ever goes away 100%. She brings up a good question. I can recall crying to Annie a couple of years ago and asking her the same question. I have some thoughts after writing back to Jane:

• Event--Does there need to be an "event" to be over someone? I told Jane I felt a sense of "I'm done" when I watched John as the judge told him he had to pay me back the money he owed me per our divorce. I thought I would never be over Dillhole. I don't know that there was an event. Actually, there were so many I lost count. For some reason I finally made a conscious decision that it was over. Ironically that was the same time I met John. Look where that got me...(sarcasm intended and I am laughing, it's all part of my journey).
• Triggers--It is all about your thoughts. I could sit here on my bed and recount the night I read the text and all the stuff I found on the computer and get all twisted if I tried really hard. I actually just tried to see how it feels. It is like a book I read or a movie I saw. Jane mentioned the fact that I looked up Pao on Facebook. I do know that day I was feeling yucky. There was some drama going on between a couple of my friends that reminded me of all the John turmoil. There are triggers. It all contributed to me getting rid of my personal Facebook account. I would say to avoid triggers--initially for me it was books or movies about cheating, negative friends/acquaintances or just anything that left me feeling bad. 
• Change of focus--I went back to school when I moved back to Tampa. I had gotten laid off and I was fortunate that I had the opportunity to go to school. I was so busy with my classes that I didn't have time to ruminate. I also had a young cutie in one of my classes that told me I was a MILF. My reply was, "but I don't have kids."

All this reminds me of a story my Mom told me. While she was in nursing school or a new nurse (don't remember, but she was young--in her early 20s) she was dating a resident. She was in love with him. One Monday morning she got to the hospital and the nurses were all looking at the paper. My Mom asked what was going on. They were looking at wedding announcements. The doctor my Mom was dating had gotten married. Apparently he was Jewish and his parents insisted he married a Jewish woman. She was devastated. I can still see my Mom telling me that story when she was in her 50's. Her shoulders slumped and she stared off into the distance. I replied something like, "what a fucking dick!". She probably said, "yes, but please don't use that language." My Mom never made the choice to be done with Wimpy I Have To Do What Mommy and Daddy Tell Me To Do Doctor. It was sad. 

So....what I'm saying is I think it comes down to deciding you are 100% done. I think it is normal to have fleeting thoughts to call or write "you suck". I just watch for the triggers. As time goes on the memories become smaller and smaller. 

Where The Boys Are

Today I worked at a pharmacy meeting in Orlando. I turned to my married co-worker and said, "I don't think I've ever seen so many uncute guys in one place." We laughed as we took it all in. She met her husband when she was in the army. It made me think I have it all wrong. What's that saying--fish where there's fish (or maybe I just made that up...there is some fishing cliche). Let's just say that pharmacists meeting was a party. I would have left in 10 minutes. One of the directors came up to me that I've known for years. He smiled and said, "You look great--you've lost weight!"  Yes, I have lost weight but all I heard was, "Oh my God, you were fat last time we met..." I thanked him and commented on the new mustache he had grown. I thought to myself that there needed to be bad 70's music playing in the background because he looked like something straight out of a 70's porn flick. 

I've been doing this all wrong. Since I've been back "out there" I have dated (and I use that term loosely) 2 navy guys, 1 army guy (paratrooper--jumped out of planes. That is hot),and a computer geek. WTH? I like smart, artsy boys. Come to think of it I was married to an ex football coach. Ew! I fucking hate football. 

I am going to change fishing holes.

Bye, I Love You

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to one of my guy friends. I've worked with him at my 2 last jobs. We were catching up--he was telling me about the vacation he just took with his wife and kids, I made him laugh with my dating stories. As we said our goodbyes he said, "Bye, I love you." I laughed as I hung up. I knew exactly what he had done. He did that "I love you" at the end of a call because he's been doing it for 20+ years. He called me back and told me how embarrassed he was. I told him not to worry. I relayed a more frightening story back to him. I was spending the night with a guy that was not an I love you situation. As I started to drift to sleep I remember talking. The next morning I woke up in horror thinking I may have babbled some love shit out of routine. I asked the guy if I said anything and he said no. He also looked at me like I was a freak. It makes me think about all the "Love you, Bye" going on. I've heard friends do it, co-workers do it...I've done it. Do we really think about the words we are saying? It reminds me of the son of a guy Sulie dated years ago. The first time she met Trey (he was 4) was over the phone. When he ended the call he said, "I love you." He also told my sister he loved her in person and he told me he loved me the first time he met me. I wonder when we learn what those words really mean. To Trey it was a way to say good-bye. As he got to know Sulie through the years I know he truly loved her, but that first "I love you" = "Night, talk to you later."

Reminds me of a topic for a future post...Saying "I love you" for the first time.

Passion and Perceptions

Do what you love. Find your passion. How many times have I heard that? How many of us really do that? I can't tell you how many of my friends have called me and talked about wanting to make a career change (ironically most of my friends are in sales or medicine). I have really been struggling with not loving what I do. It's not the company--it's the people I interact with on a day to day basis. I deal with lots of negativity. My customers are burned out and overworked. I know these people are not following their passion. I often daydream of telling one of them to fuck off. You'll know it is me if you see a news clip on CNN of a woman in a dress with cute shoes pummeling a hospital pharmacist...

How great is it to be able to do something you love and make a living? What do I love to do? Write this blog. Volunteer time for The American Cancer Society. Read books. Get drunk with my sissie and niece while staying in a nice hotel that we got at a bargain on Priceline® and make up songs about crazy family members and video tape the results. That sentence structure just sucked and I am aware...

Yesterday I met with a clinical director at one of the hospitals I cover. Somehow we started to talk about all the different things we have done in our nursing careers (she one was of the rare kind customers I've seen lately). The conversation lead to following your passion. She and her husband love to read. They poured their life savings into opening a bookstore that specializes in first editions and signed books. It is in a small beach community on the west coast of Florida. How cool is that? She was lovely. I wonder how many people meet me and think "Ugh, here's another sales rep..." I know I do it about them--thoughts like, "Ugh, another pompous ass..." Meeting her made me think about it differently. Tomorrow I have an appointment with yet another director of a busy hospital pharmacy. I'm going to adjust my preconceived notions about him before we meet. He may be very interesting, a great family man, a funny guy. If not I will make his ass into a cartoon.  I'll report back...

Chihuahuas Gone Wild

Right after I got Daisy the Dog of the Century, I joined a dog meet up group. Lots of big cities have meet ups. http://www.meetup.com/ They have anything you can dream of--let's say you did scrap booking, or you are all about guns, or you practice witchcraft...your comrades are out there. They have normal things too...

Daisy is only part Chihuahua, but they let me joinn since she is so little. Today I received this email from the Chihuahua Meet Up Group of Tampa Bay. I am proud to say Daisy and I were not part of the debauchery:

Dear All,

I find myself in a situation that I must address with the group.  We have had recent events that have taken place, in which did not show our group in the best of light or with the respect and pride that we hold high.

Please remember that when visiting a restaurant (or any other location) that your dog is YOUR responsibility and must be under your control at all times.

If you use an retrachable leash, you should keep it short especially while at a table or around others in a close area.  These leashes are sharp and can wrap around another dogs' leg or neck, and become tight when pulled on.  Some of our pups are still working on social skills and are sometimes scared from an approaching dog.  Do not leave it up to the other person to warn off your dog, please be there to assist with the socialization of the two engaging pups.   Dog parks are different than being at a restaurant or shop with our pups.

Please make sure your pup has ample potty breaks as not to relieve itself near or around others in the restaurant.  Any accidents should immediately be cleaned up by the owner of the pup!  This is unsanitary and will make it where we are not invited back.  If your male dog is not fixed, then you must watch him consistently to assure he will not invade another dogs' personal space (if you know what I mean) or mark any items in his way, a belly band works great here.

No dogs are allowed on table tops, to eat off of your plate directly touching the plate or utensils or never take your dog inside of any food establishment.  There are health laws and we need to respectful of those laws to avoid getting any visited establishment in jeopardy.  Just because a restaurant is "dog friendly" that only pertains to outside of the building.  As part of the larger doggie community, we are working to have Florida be as pup friendly as possible, but we must abide by the general guidelines and be respectful.

This group is very well respected and has a high reputation, not only for it's community service and events but how it presents itself.   The Organizers work hard to bring events your way and we love seeing all of you but we must ask for common courtesty and respect to be displayed and exercised at all times.

If you have any questions as a result of this email, you can email me directly and I will be glad to respond as soon as possible.  Thank you!

Facebook is dead to me

I can't do it anymore. I was always the one that said, "my friends know how to contact me, if I've lost track of old friends-- there is a reason." I killed my account today. I kept the Penelope Blogs one because many followers tell me that is how they read the blog. The personal account--RIP.

Sideboob™

I don't know if you all look at the stuff I like to look at over to the left. It is links to cool websites. You need to check them out...I am all cutting edge and stuff. I have found a site I LOVE called I'm Boy Crazy http://imboycrazy.com/  Alexi is someone I could party with--well, maybe 20 years ago. I may be 45, but I can still rock the lingo and stuff. She frequently will reference sideboob. She kills me. KILLS ME.  Perhaps that is what has been lacking in my life...Sideboob™.

boycrazy trend report: side boobs! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.