The Big Uneasy

I just got home from seeing The Big Uneasy. http://www.thebiguneasy.com/

I am speechless. Without words. 

Well...not totally. You all know I lived in Louisiana when I was married and I lived there when Katrina hit. I was fortunate that I was in Lafayette and our home was safe. Only the camp suffered and it more from Rita than Katrina. That didn't matter. It was not our primary housing. The Big Uneasy is running in theaters today only. For those that live on the gulf coast, memories of August 29th, 2005 are kind of like 9/11. Everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing. I was at home with the boys and John was playing golf on Saturday the 27th. I asked him not to go as he left to meet his friends. I got a "Baby, it will be alright, just a little wind." One of the twins was paralyzed with fear all morning as he watched the weather channel. I texted John and asked him to come home. I did not get a response. I then called him on his cell. I calmly told him his boys were scared and only their their father (lower case "f" intended) was going to make them feel safe. He got pissed. He reluctantly agreed to come home.  RED MUTHA FUCKIN FLAG! 

But enough about The Artist Formerly Known as My Husband™. This movie is about courage. Harry Shearer (guy in movie picture above)-- you may know him as the voice(s) on The Simpson's and my cool kat readers will recognize him as one of This Is Spinal Tap guys. "Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?" 

Seriously, Harry Shearer does a great job of making the point that this was a man made disaster. Certainly, the gulf coast was devastated by nature, but what happened in New Orleans could have been prevented. I've watched numerous documentaries on this. I feel like I could point at a map and go through all the breaches on the levees. What really got me about this movie was the courage several people had to come forward and tell the truth. Scientists and Engineers used their own funds and jeopardized (some lost) their jobs to investigate. 

I encourage everyone to watch this movie. 

I was heartbroken to count 9 people in the theater at the 7pm showing in St. Pete. There was probably some Dancing with the Biggest Loser Idol on TV tonight...

When Yes means No....

A few days ago I was at a function where one of my friends said, "What are you doing Saturday night?". Shit. That is the moment I try to think fast while arranging my face in the Truth Telling Look™...I stammer, "I think I'm going to dinner with..." She says, "Get out your phone and look, I'm having people over for drinks then we are all going to Ruths Chris." Again, shit. She peers over my shoulder as I scroll through my calendar. All I have listed on that day is Yoga and to check my hot tub. What kind of Type A wacko puts "check hot tub" in their calendar? I always hit ignore because I've already checked the chemicals yet I never take it out of my calendar...I smile and say, "that sounds great.". Shit. That sounds great? Ruth's Chris is a place I go to when work is paying. I eat steak about once a quarter and I always curse myself the next day. Not because I feel bad for the cow. Because it makes me feel like shit. The group involved have a strong relationship with alcohol and lots of it. And they are all...older. I am silently calling myself names as I enter it in my phone, "Why are you such a pussy?, You will be the youngest one there, You hate Ruth's Chris, No wonder you're single..."

As the time ticks away on Saturday I started to think of all the other things I could do on Saturday night. I picked up the phone and called my friend. She answered the phone, "Hello Cutie!". Have I said SHIT enough in this post? Shit. I am a firm believer in not lying. I told her that I had over extended myself and I would catch up with the group at a later date. She said "definitely" and "thanks for calling" in her happy voice and it was all fine.

My alternate plans were to go to Ella's Folk Art Cafe for dinner and music. I wore jeans and drank a beer from the bottle while listening to music. I flirted with the singer who was probably half my age and had some mean looking groupies with dreads across the room. I smiled as I watched a young girl dance with a hippie toddler (who was bare foot and Lawd knows what was on that floor...)

Next time I will not have to search for my Truth Telling Face™ when asked to do something that doesn't sound sound like something I want to do. I do enough stuff that I don't wanna, but I haveta (job, litter box, laundry, etc).

I am only going to say "yes" if my heart says "yes" first. I'll save the Truth Telling Face™ for emergencies!

Penelope on Mad Men

There I am meeting Don Draper after a hectic day of shopping...

Thong or Spanx?

Today I speaking before a large group on behalf of the American Cancer Society. As I selected my foundation (i.e. my underwear), I thought to self, "self, do I wear a thong under my dress or Spanx?" I am going to be in front of lots of people and there may be photos. A comfy thong or an up to the bra, suck the life out of you, but make you look 15 lbs lighter Spanx? Which shall it be?

God I hate Spanx.

LinkedIn with the Past

LinkedIn is almost as bad as Facebook. Here's why...last night I got this email from an old work friend:


Here u r again with John. When are u gonna stop it???

Sent from my iPhone


Keith

Begin forwarded message:

  LinkedIn Network Updates Aug 17 - Aug 24   FEATURED UPDATES
    PROFILE

• Penelope Web   has an updated profile (Experience) 

• Pat Thompson has an updated profile (Experience, Education) 

• John Vienna Sausage  is now Director-Outreach Development at XYZ Hospital 
  

I changed some names to protect the innocent (i.e. ME), but you get the idea. What are the chances that I'm in the same update as fuckwad? So I click on John's profile and see he has recommended a woman we used to work with--what do you make of this?:

J is a highly qualified sales professional with exceptional knowledge in various disease states. J’s ability to provide solutions and insight into the treatment and management of various medical conditions has been invaluable to me. She is clear, accurate, and prompt when providing information on the constantly changing healthcare environment. Her dedication to quality customer and patient service is without reproach.” June 30, 2010 

A little background on J. John once told me that she "put the moves" on him at a meeting. I asked him if they had been together. He said no (this was before we dated). I think that recommendation answered my question. J was one of those super tan, works out all the time, implanted, botoxed types. I almost fell off the chair when I read that recommendation. She once asked on a conference call if a Veteran's Hospital is a government account. Let me repeat, is a Veteran's Hospital a government account? Lawd.

"without reproach"???? I think I just peed my pants....

Top 10 Fidiots

Here's a list of the Top 10 People I don't want to see or hear about anymore (not in any particular order):

1. Lady Gaga
2. Russell Brand
3. Rick Scott
4. Bill McCollum
5. Angelia Jolie
6. Any Snooki/Jersey Shit
7. Anyone with the name Kardashian
8. Lindsay Lohan
9. Who is Heidi Montag and WHY does anyone care? By the way, her plastic surgeon died because he as texting while driving (and drove off a cliff). NO TEXTING and driving. Have I mentioned that technology will be the downfall of humankind?
10. "Dr. " Laura

#3 and 4 are just two of the losers running for the GOP nomination for governor in Florida. Their mud slinging is the worst I've ever seen. The rest are no talent fiodiots (fucking idiots) that I can't avoid on the front of magazines. 

I have anger issues...

Operation Get Rid of Golden Handcuffs™

I have the Monday Morning Blahs---and it is not even 10:00 a.m. on Sunday. That is a
PROBLEM.

I started to think about what I can cut out/do myself/stop wasting $$$ on. I need to put Operation Get Rid of Golden Handcuffs™ in place:

• Bi-Weekly Mani/Pedi   $110
• Bi-Weekly House Cleaning $190
• Bi-Weekly Daisy grooming down to 1X/month  $50

Things that I can't imagine the savings if I cut back, but they are BIG:

• Go to the library instead of buying every book that interests me
• Food. Oh the eating out of it all. I know I spend more than 10% of my income (a number that Michael Pollen always quotes for food) on food.
• Mutha Fuckin Cable (actually it is FiOs, but who cares?). I don't even want to admit what I pay every month for phone, internet and TV. It has 3 digits in it. It pisses me off, but not enough to get rid of HBO.
• Facials and massages. Okay, now I am feeling a bit panicky. 

If I am conservative in my estimate, I think I could cut back on ~ $750 a month. That is a lot. About 10k/year.

I already started. I did my own toes last night and they look good. I was in control of what was used on my body and I didn't have to listen to Vietnamese or have idle chit chat when in was not in the mood to talk.  I have discontinued my lovely house cleaning guy. I don't have to put up my breakables anymore and my house is always clean. Sulie loves to give Daisy a bath. She actually offers when she is here. It is really easy and it takes less than 10 minutes. I will not take over doing her toenails--Daisy don't play that.

Be Gone!

End of Days

I love Post Apocalyptic books and movies. Creepy...perhaps. I love Margaret Atwood, Cormac McCarthy, and I just started to read the Susan Beth Pfeffer books. It freaks my sister out. We were in my favorite bookstore today, Inkwood, and they had a table set up titled, "Dystopia". I was in heaven. My sister physically recoiled from the table. 

My friends laugh at me and my "End of Days'' pill stash. I didn't take much of the pain meds I was given after my back surgery. It is ridiculous how much they give you. I had a root canal 6 months ago. More hoarding. I have them (along with my post divorce Xanax stash with convenient refills) hidden away. 

Years ago I went to Germany with a couple of nurse friends. One sane. One crazy. We went to Dachau. I can still see the sign over the gate that read "Arbeit macht frei", which translates to "work makes free". It made my stomach turn back in 1994 and it makes me feel sick thinking about how no grass grew in that place. I was walking through Dachau with my friends and we had just seen the gas chambers. I was crying and my one travel companion (the crazy one) said, "Dude, if that was me I would have killed myself before it got to that." She continued to make weird comments about death and what happened to the Jewish people. Long crazy story...let's just say The Punisher™ was alive and well in Germany in 1994. She pissed me off and I went off on her at 0300 a.m. in Munich. 

Here I am 16 years later and I don't think I am the forage for canned goods, survival type. My Mom told us that my Dad was going to build a underground shelter during the Cuban Missile Crisis. That is so 60s. It always made me laugh (in a nervous way). I watched Book of Eli recently. I can't imagine living in fear every moment of the day. It brings out the ugly side of humans. That's what makes the books and movies entertaining to me. I lived in Louisiana during Katrina. People acted like animals. It is the creepy side of humans that comes out when survival is threatened. The book I am reading now--Life As We Knew It is meant for young adults. It is pretty mild compared to Margaret Atwood et al. It is written from a 16 year old girl's perspective. I read about the things that scare me--no electricity, no cell phone, no way to get food and it makes me appreciate things. I know it sounds like fucked up logic, but it does. Today I got pissed that my cable remote was not working. What an asshole. 

I'm not stocking up on canned pears and kindling or buying ammo. One thing I do know is that if anything happens, the people that rummage through my house will be in oral hygiene heaven. When I worked for Johnson and Johnson one of the benefits was the "Company Store". You could order J&J products at a super discount. Dental Floss was a quarter. I have enough floss under my bathroom sink to last until the second coming...

Untamed Va-Jay- Jay

This is what greeted me from the magazine rack as I checked out in CVS today...

Don't tell me that The Bush is Back! I've spent way too much time and money on  coiffing mine. That shit just ain't civilized. I feel that Cosmopolitan is a mullet wrapper. I didn't bother to pick it up and read the wisdom that I am sure the article contained. 

I think Jessica Alba is beautiful. I am sure her Va-Jay-Jay (GOD, I hate that term) is not out of control.

I am also drawn to the article that is titled, "The Touch That Calms Him During a Fight." I wonder what that is? Perhaps it's a hand job?

What Happeneninnned

Nothing. Well, not much.

First, I sat on the inside seat in the booth. Not optimal seating when putting self out there. It wasn't as busy as usual. Not sure why. The cutest team (also in first place) "Sexual Chocolate" was there. The questions seemed easier. Examples:

• Where is Warren Buffet from (and he still lives there)? Omaha. Been there. The rep I was working with drove me by his house. Nothing fancy. 
• Who played the lawyer in The Godfather? Easy. Robert Duvall.
• Thought we had this one but screwed it up--name 7 of the rooms in the game "Clue"...I'll give you time to think on this one.

A guy came up to our table to chit chat. He was interested in someone. Not sure. He came up after a bonus question was asked of what trivia participant had gone on a date with Troy Donahue? The answer was Peggy, Polly's Mom! Who knew? She quietly told us he was "a jerk." She said it with the same face and tone that a 20 year old now would say, "He was a fuckin' DICK!" Interested guy had a class ring on his ring finger. Ew. 

I know, I'm hard work.

The rooms were---study, kitchen, dining room, ballroom, library, billiard room, conservatory, lounge and hall.