Fathers

I don't know if you all notice, but I only capitalize Father or Mother if the person I am writing about honors the role. Yes, when I refer to John as a father he is a father. My Father died when I was 11. He had a heart attack in his sleep. He was 54. Sulie and I were the kids from marriage number 2. My sister from his first marriage is 17 years older than me. Years later, my Mom told us that she recalls the alarm clock going off and my Dad not waking up. He was a doctor and he would get up at 0500. She said, "Rocky?" as she shook him lightly and then as she started to realize he was dead she kept trying to shake him awake. She said she wanted to scream but was afraid of scaring us. My cousin was visiting. It is fuzzy, but I remember being surprised as my brother in law woke us up. I understood his words as he told us that my Dad had died but I didn't really get it. I remember walking like a zombie down the hall to the living room. All my Mom's good friends were there. I saw my niece asleep on the floor in the corner (Jackie on here). She must have been a few months old. I looked at the sofa and saw my Mom crying and smoking a cigarette. It was surreal. I vaguely remember my cousin (she was 12) and Sulie (she was 9) at my side. Our house was built where you could start in the kitchen and walk into the laundry room, then the master bath, down the hall to the living room and back to the kitchen again. I recall Sulie in a nightgown walking that circle saying, "where's Daddy?" over and over again. My parents bed was made. I remember their room looking almost sterile. As the day went on, my cousin thought of ways to distract us. Now she is a Mom of 4 and I smile as I think of her "Mother-Like" ways even then. We rode bikes. We listened to music. My older sister was at UF and she was not home yet. We went into her room (which was a place we usually were not allowed to enter) and played records. I remember playing Benny and the Jets by Elton John over and over. It was on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. It was one of those albums with the words to the songs inside. I can still see the drawing of "Benny". She had really cool hair... and electric boots (before reading the inside of the album, I used to think "Electric boobs"), a mohair suit, you know I read it in a magaziinnnneee.

My Dad died on June 23rd. The weekend before we had celebrated Father's Day. He loved to cook. I remember that we gave him potholders that looked like owls. A few weeks later I found the owl pot holders in a drawer in the kitchen. I said to my Mom, "Daddy never got to use these." She busted into tears. I felt awful. To this day I can remember how my Mom's shoulders slumped when I said that. I never buy cloth or fabric pot holders with designs. I only have the silicone ones that don't always work. I would rather have burned fingers than something that reminds me of the owl potholders in 1976.

I know lots of Fathers with a capital "F" and some with alternating "F" and "f" and then a very few with just the lower case "f". Happy Father's Day to all...