Everything is Okay

I found out today that everything is okay. I had my yearly mammogram a couple of weeks ago and I got the dreaded phone call that they needed to take a closer look with another mammogram and possibly an ultrasound. The nurse from my doctor's office was vague and said there was "something about looking at a lymph node" on the report. I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for the day to have the repeat mammogram and hear the results. Today I got the call that it was okay.

While I waited, I found that the typical day-to-day bullshit didn't matter to me. I discontinued my personal Facebook account. I steered clear of the drama that is constantly unfolding with my work team. I ignored texts from someone that just didn't get it. It was kinda nice to check out for a couple of weeks. I was lucky. I got the call that everything is okay and to get another mammo the same time next year.

It made me think about my friends that did not get the everything-is-okay call. I can not even imagine what it is like. I would lay down and close my eyes with visions of my lymphatic system in my head. I thought about healthy breast tissue. My mind would race to the "what ifs". I can not fathom what it would be like to be in that constant state of stress.

I'm not sure how to end this post. All I can say is I hope everything is okay for Pam, Angela and LR's sister in law.

Self Sabotage

I emailed with an Internet friend I met through blogging a couple of days ago. The subject of "self sabotage" came up. I've been thinking about it off and on all week. Lawd knows I done it with men. I've also touched on self sabotaging when it comes to weight. I joke with my friends that I can lose/gain 10 lbs in a weekend. Last week I started the Yeast Connection Diet. The premise is to kill all the overgrowth of yeast in your body (all of it--not just the front butt kind). It is no sugar, no bread...it sucks. I stuck to it for several days and the muffin melted away before my eyes! My Pilates instructor noticed it. I actually felt better too. Then I ate pizza and drank a glass of wine. Once I did that the "fuck it's" kicked in and I started the next day with a coke and a biscuit. WTH? I saw that I could cut back on the bad stuff and that I had positive results, yet I went back to my wicked ways. 

When I googled "self sabotage" I got:

About 388,000 results (0.26 seconds) 

Lots of self sabotaging going on!

I think I will post this picture on my fridge:

Seriously, what kind of thoughts lead to things like:

• He's lied to me before, but I know he loves me.
• But one glass of coke won't make a difference.
• I'll do cardio tomorrow instead.
• But there's no good guys.
• I hate what I do, but I make good money...
• But I love bread!

I have a bag full o'buts. I know it is all about fear. If I took those same bullet points 

from above....

• He's lied to me before, but I know he loves me. 
• Fear of being alone.
• But one glass of coke won't make a difference. 
• Fear of not having anything to blame for being single.
• I'll do cardio tomorrow instead. 
• Ditto. Thinking thin=happy.
• But there's no good guys. 
• Fear of being hurt again.
• I hate what I do, but I make good money... 
• Fear of starting something new.
• But I love bread! 
• I really do love bread.

Karma

I just learned that something bad has happened to someone from my past. Someone that hurt me and seemed to not have remorse. I heard the news and I felt such a mixture of emotions. A little bit sick, sad, giddy, with a dash of I-knew-that-would-happen-someday. I don't feel right blogging about the incident. I do feel okay writing about the feelings around it. I  think you get what you give. I've read a lot about karma. I don't feel qualified to describe it, other than it has to do with action, particularly the motivation of an action. I can recall wishing all kinds of bad things when I was dealing with the hurt after the breakup with this person. Themes of--he's going to end up broke and alone, he's going to pay for this, and he will lose everything. Now I've heard that things are at rock bottom. I'm not dancing. I'm not completely pure--I did smile as I went through the gamut of emotions. Now I feel numb. 

Freegans

Lately I have seen a couple of articles and an Oprah show about Freegans. A Freegan is someone that doesn't participate in conventional lifestyle--I've seen it described as an ethical lifestyle that reuses trash. On Oprah they showed people digging through trash for food. There were people that left 6 digit jobs and have changed the way they live. Don't worry...I didn't just get back from a dumpster dive! It was amazing to see what people threw away. Fruit with a little dent, eggs that were all fine with one cracked, chicken days before the "sell by" date. The list goes on and on. It made me think about what I throw away. I had friends over for dinner the other night. When we were cleaning up, it was interesting to see what they went to save for leftovers, when I was about to toss it all. 

I'm not heading to the dumpster but I am going to think about what I buy and what I throw away. In my freezer right now I have tons of chicken breasts, shrimp and fish. I have recently gone to Publix and bought chicken breasts, shrimp and fish when I already had those items in my freezer. This week I'm going to plan meals around what I already have in my kitchen. I have 5 different varieties of rice, quinoa and pasta. I keep buying more vs. eating what I already have. It is cuckoo!

My next project is stopping with the black shoes...

Fit and Fat™

Have you heard that term on the news or in the magazines? It kinda makes my skin crawl. You know why?--I think I fall into that category. I religiously go to Pilates a few times a week and I have muscle...covered by a protective layer of 10-15 pounds of fat. 

I was always skinny. When I was little my Mom would whip up dresses on the sewing machine for us. When I was 5 years old, my measurements were 20/20/20. I remember wearing pants that were size 0's in high school. Here I am rocking the all white for prom:

Ahh...Jimmy. My first short boy in a list of many (and I like tall guys!). Thank goodness for Ortho-Novum 1/50s!

And more white for my wedding to the Duke when I was 30:

 

Those arms are crazy, creepy skinny. I remember my Mom sitting me down and  telling me I was too skinny. I wasn't even trying to be skinny. I just was. I think I wore a 34 A then...

I gained a bit after I married the Duke. Me at 33. He was so cute. He had a hole in his heart was repaired and he had been in and out of the hospital. I was taking an arterial line out and he kept saying, "No more pokers!, No more pokers!"

I probably have deleted every picture of me during the time John and I dated and were married, so my late 30's and early 40's don't exist in photos. Something happened around 38. I noticed that I had to buy 8's instead of 6's. I traveled constantly for work. I would eat crap food at the airport, drink lots of coke to stay awake and finish the night with crap room service. Forget working out while on the road. I was always too exhausted. A vicious cycle.

So here I am at 45. I can put my legs over my head and do all kinds of rock star Pilates moves but I wear a size that has 2 digits. On the bright side I'm now a 38 D!

I need to find a balance between looking all Auschwitz and Biggest Loser. Okay, that was extreme, but you get what I'm saying. It is weird. I know what I need to do. Cardio. I have an elliptical in my office. It is behind me, mocking me right now. I think there is a fear. What if I lose the 10-15 lbs, and I still don't meet a boy? I think I convince myself that guys are not attracted to me because I now have to buy "L" t-shirts. My rational side knows that is crazy talk, but...it doesn't stop me from thinking it.

I took today off. I am starting a new Penelope routine. I am committing to doing cardio at least 4X/week. I am going to kick Mr. Elliptical's ass!

I must comply now  that I have put this out to the Universe (via the Internet).

Sulie's Guest Blog

My sister was venting to me tonight. I told her how writing it all down helps. I told her she could be a guest blogger. Here it is:

I have always wanted to be a guest on Penelope’s Blog.  I look so forward to reading it, sometimes I know what Penelope is going to write and other times, I am completely surprised.  She definitely has the writing gene of the family.

For those of you who have been following the blog, you know that I lost my job a month ago.  It has been the most surreal experience of my life.  It ranked right up there with the death of my parents and the death of a boyfriend.  It was a death on so many levels.  There for awhile I thought I was a suck ass accountant, therefore a horrible person.   I thought this even though, I did nothing wrong and the reason I was FIRED was because I stood up to my boss, who was and will always be a spineless, jelly fish (and looks like the little son on Little People, Big World).  See below...

That job had nothing to do with Sulie L. Collins, the person.  That job was a means to an end…paying the bills, taking care of my pets and being able to do things with my friends and Penelope.  That was my first lesson…my job does not define me.  I define me.  The job was killing me anyway.  In the two and a half years I was there, I gain 20 pounds, lost a gall bladder, developed an acne problem and was forced to take Xanax on an almost daily basis to endure the absolute craziness of it all.  I never want to be that person again. 

I had some other lessons too.  I have recently taken a friend inventory.  This seems to happen every time something major happens in my life (and I am sure in others).   You truly realize who your real friends are.  This time, I have had my heart broken by the lack of concern that some of my friends had.  I texted one friend to tell him the news and his reply was that he was sorry and that he had to call me later.  Well, 33 days later...I got nothing.  Another friend said to me after I announced I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, that “Maybe now you will learn to save”.  No one from my department has checked on me, which is ok…they are the unlucky ones who still have to work at that toxic place.  I am their greatest fear.  Then just this past week, another friend defriended me on Facebook because he was weaning himself from it and figured that we communicated in other ways.  That would have been great, but he kept up his activity and kept “friends” who were mean and hateful to him, because it was easier.  I was really hurt and surprised by that.  He was one of the few people I could share my feelings about men, dating and life and feel like he was truly listening.  I know he did not do this to hurt me…it just feels that way.

What about the positive lessons?  There are MANY.  First, Penelope.  We have learned a lot about each other and ourselves in the past month.  We communicate in such a more honest and authentic way.  I know this sounds like an Oprah show, but there were times I would not be completely honest with her because I was afraid of her reaction, but I have found that was no good and not fair.   She has been 100% supportive and given me that pimp slap every now and then when I need it.  Then there is L.  L has talked to me probably every day since this has happened (and before too).  She has listened to me cry, helped me write a letter to the CEO asking for severance (the bitch said no), given me advice on what to say when asked “Are you currently employed?”, and talked me off a ledge when I did not get a call about the job that I had interviewed.  I feel like it has been the all about Sulie show, but L gets that and still wants to be friends with me.  There are the two angels, J&J, who I used to work with who check on me, invite me to lunch, and let me know that I am not a horrible person.  I have many friends like Mandy, Karey, Bob and Jennie who check on me and just listen.  That is the greatest gift.listening.  I know that Penelope has many friends who have asked how I am.  You don’t know how good that makes me feel.  I thank all of you.  

I am doing great…I am waiting to hear about a job, where they have checked my background and talked to one of my references (he said I was CFO material.GOD LOVE HIM!!).  I have applied for many other jobs and sheepishly enjoying my time off.  I have picked up some side accounting jobs to fill in the void of the paychecks.  I am truly a fortunate person.  I know that this was meant to be.  Yes, one door opens as one closes…but you have to keep moving to make those doors move.  So..I keep moving and yes, I do have days when I prefer to stay in bed with Lexie, Max and Harry and then I remember, I have to keep moving.

Friend Inventory

I can't take credit for that term. My sister just used it on the phone. I totally got what she was saying. I tend to think of my friends in categories: 

• Work friends: You work together and you bond in the BS of work. You can hang out at meetings, but you probably wouldn't be friends otherwise.
• Childhood friends: Friends since you were little. You can go for years without talking and everything is good when you see each other again.
• Nurse friends: More than a work friend. Went through hell together (like 'Nam, but in scrubs instead of camo). May or may not keep in touch, but like a childhood friend you can always pick up where you left off.
• Neighbor friends: You go to parties at your respective homes, help each other out, but stay out of each other's business. Sometimes become a true friend (Polly).
• Sister friends: Relatives that totally rock and are a true friend (Sulie and Jackie).
• Friends that are a boy: A guy friend that you can totally depend on yet you would never want to date/do (Birch).
• True friends: Someone you can depend on. There is a give and take. They remember the little things and get you. 

It is sad, Sulie brought this up because she was saying how she has really seen who her true friends are lately. I knew what she meant. After the John/Back Surgery/Get Laid off time in my life I went through the same thing. It has made me think about what kind of friend I am and who I want to have as a friend. In the past few years, I have started to speak up if things didn't feel right with a friend. Some have been receptive, others have not. Two years ago I "broke up" with a childhood friend that I had known since I was 14. She lives a few miles from me and we shop at the same Publix. I sometimes drive past her and it is weird. Her Mother once said to me that we couldn't expect the friendship to last 30 years and that we had grown into two very different adults. It was true, but sad. 

Top to Bottom Scan

Don't you hate it when people give you the top to bottom scan? You know what I'm talking about. They start with the hair and slowly go down to your feet taking in your outfit, jewelry, nails and shoes. Yesterday I was rocking some new kick ass shoes at my meeting. I kept getting looks because the shoes are blue. One woman was so obvious that I smiled and said, "Aren't they great? I just got them!" She was all stammering, "ahhh, ohhhh,...yes!". She was lucky I didn't insert my new shiny size 9 kick ass blue patent sling back up her ass...

It was really hard to take this picture. I put my lap top on the ground, hit the take picture button with the big toe of my right foot while deftly positioning my left foot for the picture. 

95% Done

I got a mani/pedi on Friday. I asked the shop owner Kim about Pao's new last name. She knows the whole John and Pao story. Kim's Mom is Vietnamese and her father is Chinese. She speaks Vietnamese, Chinese and English (very well--she has lived her since she was 7). You should have heard her spewing in Vietnamese to the other ladies in the shop asking about why Pao was Pao Trang and now she's Pao Dang. It sounded like: dannn dunn ai eeee uuuuuu Pao Trang deeeeeeee duuunnnnngg Pao Dang. Kim's hands were flying, the ladies faces got serious and then they laughed. They decided that Pao may have used her mother's last name in the letters she wrote to John, but that Dang is her father's last name. Gail (real name something like dan dunn keee) asked me, "why the hell you look her up?" I said, "I said I was feeling weird that day and I just did it." Kim then asked me if I thought Gail was pretty. I said yes (Gail is very pretty). She said, "let's take a picture of Gail and send it to your ex husband with a note that says Hey Fatty, here is a pretty Vietnamese woman unlike the one you are with now." I laughed and told Kim I was done with all that. Maybe not 100% (if I was I wouldn't have asked about her dumb ass name), but 95% done.

100% Done

I got an email from Jane (recall the Victor's Secret post) asking if it ever goes away 100%. She brings up a good question. I can recall crying to Annie a couple of years ago and asking her the same question. I have some thoughts after writing back to Jane:

• Event--Does there need to be an "event" to be over someone? I told Jane I felt a sense of "I'm done" when I watched John as the judge told him he had to pay me back the money he owed me per our divorce. I thought I would never be over Dillhole. I don't know that there was an event. Actually, there were so many I lost count. For some reason I finally made a conscious decision that it was over. Ironically that was the same time I met John. Look where that got me...(sarcasm intended and I am laughing, it's all part of my journey).
• Triggers--It is all about your thoughts. I could sit here on my bed and recount the night I read the text and all the stuff I found on the computer and get all twisted if I tried really hard. I actually just tried to see how it feels. It is like a book I read or a movie I saw. Jane mentioned the fact that I looked up Pao on Facebook. I do know that day I was feeling yucky. There was some drama going on between a couple of my friends that reminded me of all the John turmoil. There are triggers. It all contributed to me getting rid of my personal Facebook account. I would say to avoid triggers--initially for me it was books or movies about cheating, negative friends/acquaintances or just anything that left me feeling bad. 
• Change of focus--I went back to school when I moved back to Tampa. I had gotten laid off and I was fortunate that I had the opportunity to go to school. I was so busy with my classes that I didn't have time to ruminate. I also had a young cutie in one of my classes that told me I was a MILF. My reply was, "but I don't have kids."

All this reminds me of a story my Mom told me. While she was in nursing school or a new nurse (don't remember, but she was young--in her early 20s) she was dating a resident. She was in love with him. One Monday morning she got to the hospital and the nurses were all looking at the paper. My Mom asked what was going on. They were looking at wedding announcements. The doctor my Mom was dating had gotten married. Apparently he was Jewish and his parents insisted he married a Jewish woman. She was devastated. I can still see my Mom telling me that story when she was in her 50's. Her shoulders slumped and she stared off into the distance. I replied something like, "what a fucking dick!". She probably said, "yes, but please don't use that language." My Mom never made the choice to be done with Wimpy I Have To Do What Mommy and Daddy Tell Me To Do Doctor. It was sad. 

So....what I'm saying is I think it comes down to deciding you are 100% done. I think it is normal to have fleeting thoughts to call or write "you suck". I just watch for the triggers. As time goes on the memories become smaller and smaller.