Red Flags with Violence

I watched a recent Oprah with Gavin de Becker as the guest. He wrote Gift of Fear. The book focuses on using insight to protect yourself and stay safe. 

He said something that really resonated with me--"Anybody that doesn't respond to your "no" is trying to control you." It made me think about all my writing about red flags. Here is a cut and paste of his set of red flags when it comes to physical violence. I have gotten emails from readers that have gotten out of abusive relationships. I have also shared with you all that I was abused in my late teens and early 20s. I read through this list and I saw that although John was not physically abusive, he was mentally abusive and I can see parallels with how he was in the beginning of the relationship. I can really see that the abusive boyfriend from long ago totally fit this profile. Sadly, I can see a couple of my friends' husbands in this.

Physical Violence 
Many consider pushing or hitting a major clue that your partner is capable of violence—but Gavin says it's more than that. "It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It's over. The assessment is done," he says. "Being hit doesn't work in relationships, and it usually doesn't get better."

Symbolic Violence 
Symbolic violence is the destruction of objects to intimidate the other person. " The destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home and the wedding gown is torn up," he says. "[If someone throws] a television out a window, the message is, 'I can throw you out the window.'"

Fast-Paced Relationships 
If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. "When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy," he says. "And women feel uncomfortable and they'll tell you: 'Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much.'"

Persistence 
If he won't take no for an answer, it's not because he's smitten. "Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you," Gavin says. "Persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled."

Gavin says the word "no" is different for men and women. "When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation," he says. "A woman who buckles there ... is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don't mean no."

Gavin says some women misinterpret persistence as flattery. "What do most women do with persistence is they say: 'Well, he calls me so often. He writes to me so often. He's always talking about me. He's always getting me gifts,'" he says. "Gifts like a car that he owns, he controls—he's got the navigation system on. Gifts like a phone [so] that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you." 

John moved really fast. I kept saying let's take it slow. I always got replies like, "but I love you baby. I'm 44 I know I want to be with you." He convinced me it was "love" making him move so fast (not wackiness). He would never listen to my "nos". He always persisted. It could be something as simple as where to eat dinner or a big thing like a trip. I watched him use the symbolic violence with his boys. I can't tell you how many times he would throw away something that was important to them (toys or returning a computer to Best Buy). It makes my skin crawl when I think about it.

Oprah made the comment that we are the only species that will get that twinge in our gut (the proverbial red flag) and still go towards the thing we are afraid of. Her guest agreed and said an antelope doesn't sense there is a lion nearby and then go towards the lion.I look back on my life and I think about how many times I ignored the twinge and went towards the lion (Dillhole, John, SOB to name a few).