Funny How the Mind Works

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought of was John. I could see his head (the one I used to love) that now resembled a big orange, round basketball. Flashes came into my mind of him yelling at me after I contacted Pao, seeing the boys bawling when I went to tell them goodbye and saying goodbye to Aunt Francis. Aunt Francis is John's Mother's sister. His mother was deceased, so Aunt Francis stood in like a surrogate Grandma. I could see her crying in my mind just like the day Sulie and I went by to say goodbye (and yes, I was well juiced with Xanax). 

I started to wonder as I lay (or did I lie) in bed with my fists clenched remembering all the shit from 3 years ago. Why was this coming up again? What triggered it? I started to put it together.

Today is Thanksgiving. Sulie is making Aunt Francis' sweet potato recipe. Side bar about Aunt Francis. She knows a little bit about cheating. She found out her husband was cheating when her kids were really little. She was convicted of killing the mistress. Apparently she disposed of the body by making the body into smaller pieces (I'm trying to be subtle) and placing them in a hefty bag. She never spoke of her time in jail. I only knew the story from John. She was very nice and loved the boys. When I told her that I drove to Pao's house just to talk to her, Aunt Francis replied, "I would have done more than just talk!" Okay, Francis' sweet potatoes = Trigger #1.

Last night I watched the movie One Hour Photo. It is several years old. Robin Williams (the artist formerly known as Mork) played a wacko that works in a 1 hour photo department. He becomes obsessed with a family and finds out the husband is cheating. There is a scene where the wife realizes her husband is screwing another woman. I watched the actress' face. I was transported back to the night I drove back to Lafayette after I read the text. I haven't thought about that night in forever. Note to self--no more cheating movies. One Hour Photo = Trigger #2.

Night before last, I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. It said, "Thanks for the card and the call. It was appreciated." I thought about who I had sent a card to lately. My aunt in Pennsylvania that doesn't own an answering machine, let alone a cell phone. My neighbor that just had to put his dog to sleep. I hadn't called him though. I wrote back my standard reply, "I got a new phone. I'm sorry I'm not sure who this is." No reply. I emailed my neighbor and asked him for his cell number. He replied with the number and added "no heavy breathing". The number was different than the one I had gotten the unknown text from. (p.s. I have no interest in heavy breathing with the neighbor). I forgot about it until last night. Then I had a brilliant idea. I have a Blackberry for work that I use for email. The phone works on it, but is does not have voicemail set up. It has a Seattle area code. I dialed the unknown number to see who answered. Ring, ring, ring (excellent, I'm going to get voicemail) then the voicemail starts, "Hello, you've reached Dillhole. Please leave a message." I hung up. So weird. I sent him a card and left a message months ago when his Father and Mother died. Who knows what triggered that text. Things ended so badly with him--all around cheating.  I am confident this was Trigger #3.

So I figured out why I was having John flashbacks. Now what do I do to make them go away? I just sat here and thought of all the things I have done in the past 3 years. I moved back to Tampa, I had back surgery, I got laid off, I went back to school and finished my bachelor's, I bought a house, I got a job, I reconnected with my niece, and I'm even closer with my sister. 

Basketball head is a speck.