Dating after divorcing a ManGroomer™

People, I got boyfriend, a lover, a companion (what the hell do I call a guy I like, we do it and he spends the night when I'm 46?) I shall refer to him as my Manfriend™.

I've been keeping my red flag detector hidden. Of course I did a full background check on myfloridacounty.com. He truly was divorced for 5 years. He really does have a condo he is buying. He's polite. He plans dates. One night he asked me if I was comfortable in bed because he had his arm around me. I almost had a fuckin seizure. I've never had a guy ask me if I was comfortable. They sure will tell you if you inadvertently bump them with your elbow and it hurts while you're blowing them. Ugh. This one is different.

We talked tonight about what our "Issues" were. He quietly said his are around trust and fear of abandonment. (his father died when he was 11--same as me). I agreed that when you lose a parent that young that abandonment could come up. It was my turn to share. People, we know I got a long ass list. I stuck with the top level items. Trust particularly around cheating. I experienced a large amount betrayal in a short period of time--John, match.com tool, Spencer, Special Ops Boy and Dillhole. Thank god I didnt sleep with them all. My other one is convincing myself that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't tell him that one. I can't show all my crazy cards. I also know I can be kinda sassy to cover up my nerves.

He will occasionally say that I am "crazy". I had him clarify that he meant in a funny way. I told him I've had extensive sessions with the finest therapist in Tampa Bay and I'm essentially cured. Some of my friends read this,but more strangers follow the blog. I talk like I write. It's in my mind and my mouth is open and the words tumble out.

Tonight I told him I write a blog(and that I haven't blogged much lately since I was making up for lost time in the sex department). I also told him I would not feel comfortable letting him read it. Some is me at my worse. A lot of me at my funniest. It may show sides that a manfriend may never see and may not need to see. He said he understood. Give me your opinion. You guys have been reading this since the beginning.

He's kind and really smart. He's good looking. He loves my animals. I started to fall when he kissed my dog on the head goodbye. He doesn't compliment with words. I don't like to fish for em either. Lord knows after the road I've been these past few years a girl has gotta hear some nice stuff. I stare at his eyes and his smile and I think that's it. That's his compliment. And then he pets Daisy.

I need a secret Manfriend™ decoder ring...

Free Will

It is interesting what posts really strike a chord with folks. It can be funny references about bush management or something I typed in passing the other day-- "I can't imagine ever saying I love you to anyone ever again". That one stirred things up for peoples. I got quite a few private emails on that one. Lots of "I've felt that too" along with many "Don't worry it will happen again". I know both are true. 

Thanks to a little vino, I am going to type run on sentences with limited punctuation or care. I truly think I have avoided boys on purpose. I had a party last Christmas (an Amy Dalley house party that rocked. Yes, I had a concert in my living room and I am the COOLEST person on my block). My next door neighbor (a guy, friends with Dillhole) made a loud crack in front of everyone that my house used to be a revolving door of guys when I first moved in. It pissed me off. In my defense SOB had 2 different cars and another time he had a rental (so 1 penis = 3 penises to the casual observer). The Cat Whisperer also had 2 different cars and a Harley (again, 3 different types of transportation appeared to be 3 cocks, but in reality was 1 cock). So that math is 2 cars + 1 rental + 1 Harley + 1 Jeep + 1 truck= 2 meaningless cocks. It's the new math. Oops, forgot about Spencer, another meaningless cock (he drove a Rav 4). Embarrassing. I fucked a man that drove a Rav 4. I was depressed. I also wore Scrunchies™ in my hair circa 1986. We all have our demons.

But what was my point? I let 3 meaningless cocks in (I am talking literally). WTF? None of them were especially interesting or fun to be with...I lowered my standards. I ate at McDonald's when I should have bought some chicken and cooked it myself (I know you know what I'm sayin'). 

I think I needed to get that shit out of my system. John devastated me. My self esteem was so shattered that I had to aim low to start with. Fucked up, but makes sense (to me at least). 

I can totally get staying alone and not opening up. But it has gotten old. There are nights when I am blasting music and dazzling my animals with my knowledge of Led Zeppelin and current events and I will pause and say, "Self, I can't believe you are home alone." It becomes a habit. I've convinced myself it is easier to be alone. I used to work with a nurse that was the age that I am now when I was in my late 20's. She would always say, "Penelope, expect the worst, that way you will never be disappointed." It used to freak me out. Shit, have I become her? She drank White Zinfandel from a box. No, I have not become her. 

I have so many desirable traits in a woman that any boy would love: 

• I can sing the entire Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill album from beginning to end.
• I know a little bit about a lot.
• I won't ask you for money.
• I can find humor in everything. 
• I've probably seen more concerts than you.
• I don't want you to come along when I go clothes shopping.
• I hate terms like "honey and "baby". I like terms of endearment like "fucker".
• I keep my bush perfectly coiffed (and my head hair, nails and toes).

I am going to hit publish without proofing and hope I make sense. I'll probably read this in the morning and fix (or delete).

I shall end with a lyric I love "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".

My "Professional" Network

People, I have been saying that technology is going to be the downfall of humankind.  I was on LinkedIn today responding to some emails. I saw the box on the right of the screen that says "People You May Know". I looked at the first few names and Special Ops Boy's wife's name was on there. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Seriously, she has a common first name and an uncommon last name for the U.S. (or surname as the Brits say). The industry listed for her was not related to anything I do (or my friends do). What are the chances of that name coming up? I was afraid to click on the link. Would I go down some type of cheating bunny hole? Would my name come up in her list of "People You May Know"? Does LinkedIn magically have access to my address book on my email? Did I give it access a couple of years ago and forget? Do cheater/liars really use the same email address for their wives and the women they are fucking?

What does that connection on LinkedIn look like...

• Click "connect"
• Select How Do You Know SOB's Wife? Here are the choices:

How do you know SOB's Wife?

•  Colleague
•  Classmate
•  We’ve done business together
•  Friend
•  Other--Can I type in I was fucking your husband, but he never told me he was married...
•  I don’t know SOB's wife

Include a personal note: (Optional)


Hi,
You don't know me, but I KNOW your husband. He forgot to tell me about you and the baby. I'll be in D.C. next month. Let's do lunch!
Penelope

Can You Live a Lie?

I'll admit it--I've read a couple of articles about Tiger's divorce. His ex wife, (one moment while I look up the spelling of her name...), Elin, has stated that she feels like she lived a lie. There are all kind of nasty comments that she should have known, she sold her soul for money, blah, blah. I totally get the concept of feeling like your life was a lie. I still struggle with the fact that what I thought was real, was lies from May of 2004 to October of 2007. It's a weird feeling. Like being in a coma. I know I have referenced the Red Flags throughout the blog. They were Delayed Red Flags. Well, they were there. I didn't see them. I needed Magic Decoder Glasses to see the Red Flags!

I used to lie awake at night and  run things through my mind--particularly all the things I found out about other women and finances. I will think about all the guys golf weekends, trips to New Orleans and all the times I couldn't get him on the phone. It used to drive me crazy. Now I'm done. It is in the past. I can't go back and change it.

So was my life a lie for 3.5 years? Some could say that John's life was a lie. Not mine. I worked my ass off at being a good Step Mom and Wife. I busted my ass at work in a really stressful job. I made efforts to fit into a culture that felt like part third world country, part sorority and part Beverly Hillbillies. People--I was in a Mardi Gras Krewe! I tried, damn it! I shit you not...

Can someone "live" a lie? I'm not sure. I have to think the liar has to face his or her thoughts at night just like we all do. As I drift off to sleep, I think about the day, the past, what I need to do the next day. Doesn't a person who cheats and lies do the same thing? How's Tiger sleeping? Does Special Ops Boy get into bed and sweat as he lays next to his wife and his baby cries? How did John sleep next to me? How did he sit across the dinner table?  Who knows. That is their shit. All I can do is think about my thoughts. I am choosing to not see that I "lived a lie" for over 3 years. I lived like I always do--doing the best I can and always trying to be a better person.

Pre Date Background Check

Lawd knows I have told you some gruesome stories about guys not being who they say they is...I gave my friend C. a lesson on using one of the finest sites in all the land: myfloridacounty.com. She is getting ready to have a first date with a guy after emailing and texting through match.com. He has a few questionable things in his past: looks like he was arrested in connection with Publix (probably did not pay the fees for writing a check that bounced) and a DUI when he was 22. C says he seems intelligent in written word, has a good job and is polite. She is really struggling with this--does she write off the guy as a loser or give him a chance since these things happened years ago? Here are the observations that have come up between C, me and some friends (one friend is a cop, another accountant, and the third an attorney).

• He was young. We all do dumb things when we are young...
• But a DUI?
• He got arrested for the Publix deal. How bad was it? It looked like one check for $76.  Publix doesn't mess around with people that do not pay the fees.
• But still, getting arrested? Why not pay the fees or get someone to help you?

This whole thing brings forward a bigger question--how quick are we to judge? I will tell you 3 stories about the past of a successful friends of mine:

• She got so fed up with school and her home life that she left 12th grade early and moved out with a boyfriend. She got a GED and ended up going to cosmetology school. She was an apprentice in a hair salon and immediately knew she hated it. She started to wait tables to save for school. It took her a while, but she ended up going back to school and eventually got a bachelors degree.
• Another one was so poor when she was 19 that her only meal would be at the Bennigan's where she waited tables at night. For a $1.50/day she could eat soup and muffins. She would take her tips and drive through the bank in the morning to cover the checks she had written the day before to pay the bills on time. One morning the bank called her to question the activity on her account. It was a vicious cycle. She ended up getting her Bachelors when she was 42.
• The third one made such bad grades in high school that the guidance counselor suggested she learn a "trade" such as being a scrub tech in the operating room. The counselor didn't didn't get that she was miserable at home and school bored her. She ended up becoming a nurse and never worked in the OR.

All three now own a house, own their car, have a decent retirement account, good credit and they are nice people. Oh yeah...those 3 bullet points all describe me at different times in my life. On the front end I had a GED, a cosmetology license and I waited tables. One could call me a loser. Now, I am a registered nurse, I have my bachelors in business with a focus on healthcare and a great job.  I am considered successful.

Conversely, Special Ops Boy:

• Looks great on paper. An officer in the Navy. Clean cut (aren't they all), divorced, no kids, grew up on a farm in PA, hardworking, spoke about how important values are and a bit boring. He would appear to be a "catch."
• In reality--A liar, remarried, has a baby, doesn't seem to work that hard, has no moral compass and is still boring. Not a "catch".

So, what does C do? Does she cancel the date due to this guy's past or give it a try?

Facebook Friends

I have said this before and I will say it again--technology freaks me out. I was just on Facebook looking at all the suggestions for friends. You know how it lists people that are friends with your friends and assumes you may know each other. There really are 4 categories in my book:

1. Yay!--I'm glad I found this friend
2. They were okay--don't know that I really want to have them as a friend
3. The oh no I must block them before they reach out to me friend
4. The cyber voyeur I can see them, but they aren't looking at me and they sure as hell ain't a friend

There are high school friends, present job friends, old job friends, friends of friends, family you like, family you don't like---it is exhausting!

I was just able to browse through pictures of a #2 category. We used to work together. She was okay. I got to see her new boyfriend, his weird chain around his neck,their trip to San Francisco and how she looks in a bathing suit. I do a bit of preemptive blocking (category 3) with folks that I see no reason to connect. #4 category is how I was able to look at Spencer and confirm that he is a freak (he had his wall open for all to see), how I found out SOB has a child (what a frickin liar) and how one of my friends knew her employee was bad mouthing her (the dumb bitch posted things on her wall that was open for all to see). As for category #1--if they are a close friend they are already in my life and we don't need Facebook.

Why am I on there anyway?

The Blueprint of Anger

I've been a bit edgy this weekend. Okay...I have been really pissed off all weekend. Not at anything in particular. I pretty much hate everything. I know "hate" is a strong word. I don't mean hate Hate. I mean a generalized I just want to kick things things kind of hate. I know I'm not the only one in the world that gets this way. My friends tell me they get that way. Maybe haters all flock together and normal, calm people don't get this way. Fuck them. I sure don't like the time I waste on running old crap through my mind. I just got into the cool tub (that would be the hot tub with the heat turned off) and my mind started to wander. See if you can follow this convoluted path of angry feelings...

• Looked at sky. Thought, "it's a nice night. Things are good. Stop being pissy..."
• Thought this is a big hot tub, how many people would fit in here? 
• Wondered what guy  has been in here last?
• The answer was Joe-SOB.
• Thought about one of the times he came over and he said he would stop and pick me up a sandwich at Subway. There is one at the end of my road. He came empty handed. Said he couldn't find it. It made me think of a story I read in Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods buying one of his floozies a sandwich. A Tiger Woods Perkin's waitress gets a sandwich but I don't?  That reminded me of...
• I met SOB in New Mexico. We went to dinner. I fucking flew to New Mexico and he splits the dinner bill with me. In retrospect I realize he was most likely on a budget since he was married and had a baby. UGH. Thought about sending him an email saying Happy father's Day. Note lower case "f".
• Then I got mad at myself for even bothering with SOB. Was I that bored? Or scared? 
• Then I got mad that I was mad. That made me even madder. 
• Then I looked at Daisy sitting on the lounge chair sniffing the air. 

I wasn't mad no more.

The Internet is the new "Bar"

JCH made a good point in a comment--

I still stand by what I said about the internet; it's the new bar. The rule is you never marry someone you meet in a bar. Now it's you never get involved with someone you meet on the internet. Yes there are instances where it works, but thats the rarity.

I would never (watch I use the "n" word and next week I'll post about it) date a guy I met in a bar. So why would I date a guy I met on the Internet? Both Spencer and SOB were Internet catches... 

The 40's are the new 30's, brown is the new black, and the Internet is the new bar. Agreed.

I went on a match.com date...

I was holding out...I didn't tell you all that I had emailed back and forth with one of the few sane men on match. I am kind of superstitious--like when you don't tell anyone you're interviewing for a job. We met last Wednesday for a glass of wine. He is 52 (7 years older than me), divorced for 2 years, has 3 grown daughters and works in the legal field. We agreed not to talk on the phone. I've found when I did match last year that it works best just to meet at Starbuck's or for a quick drink. You talk on the phone, the guy sounds great and then you meet someone that doesn't look like his picture and has stank breath (true story). And there is the whole voice thing. I spoke to SOB on the phone first. He has a very unmasculine voice that totally turned me off (should have listenend to my gut...), same thing with Spencer (he sounded totally faggy (again, should have listened to my gut...). But then again, John had a great voice and he is a sociopath.

Let me do a quick walk down Internet dating memory lane. These fine stories are from when I dabbled with match and eharmony in early 2008.

• Large, Stank Breath Guy: Don't remember his name. Great on paper, EXCEPT his 2 boys lived out of state with their Mom. I now know that is a red flag for me. He was funny and smart on the phone. Very cute in pictures (yeah, because they were at least 10 years and 50 pounds prior). We met at Flemings. He was late because he got lost (he was new to the area). He was in a minor rage at himself for getting lost. I told him it was okay and then I smelled the breath...I gulped my wine fast. This is funny--I think I blocked it out until now. SOB was coming over after 0900 pm and I needed to get home!  Never saw stank boy again...
• No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy: This guy is hot. He had e-mailed me a few times and we talked on the phone. He was cocky. I ignored his emails. He pursued. I was bored. I met him at Starbuck's. He lives in St. Pete and was in Tampa for business off of Hillsborough Ave. He asked me where there was a Starbuck's close by. I sent him the address. We met. He kept complaining because he thought it was "in the hood." The whole time his eyes were looking over my shoulder or past my head. I gulped my O.J., smiled and said I had to get back to work. He texted me later and said, :so what do you think?". I replied, "I think you were really distracted." Never saw No Eye Contact Starbuck's Guy again...until, I just saw last week that he viewed my profile on match. He has been blocked...
• The Cat Whisperer: Okay, this one was a HOT POCKET. We went to MacDinton's for drinks. Good voice, good breath, good body. We made out in the parking lot (I was damaged--don't judge me!). We made a date for the following Friday night. We went to Royal Thai. They all know me there. When I went to the bathroom, Tap, the owner said in her Asian accent, "Penelope, he soooo good looking!" We "saw" each other quite a few times. I had a double feature the first night I saw him. We made out (just kissing, mind you) and then I saw SOB later. My sister and I laughed about that one. I ran home and did a costume change and I was ready for the second show...the reason for the name was he would get on the floor naked (post doing it) and talk to my cats). They loved him. One time I walked into my bedroom and all I see is his balls dangling and he's baby talking to May. He was too good looking (there is such a thing) and very neurotic (he'd straighten my pictures, make my bed {freakishly weird} and would constantly tell me things I needed to do to my house). He texted me about 6 months ago. I didn't respond...
• Boring University of Tampa Professor: He bored me. Nuff said...

So, as for the date the other night. I think it went well. We laughed a lot, never had a lull in the conversation and his voice was good. I still have an age hang up that I need to address with my shrink. He is 7 years older than me. He works out, rides his bike, dives and is in good shape. It's not like he came to the date wearing Depends™! He said he would like to see me again. I'll see what happens. I left for Key Largo the next day for a work meeting. I haven't heard from him and I am not sure if that is a bad sign. My work buddy E told me it may take a few days and that the guy may be playing it cool. E is also married and has been with his lovely wife for 20 years. He don't know shit about dating but I do need to blog about him. He is one of the GOOD guys. Stay tuned for that one!

Labels

I just looked at the labels from my posts and the leaders are Internet Dating and ManGroomer™ with Liar and Special Ops Boy tied for 2nd. 

It has been 4 months since I started blogging. I can tell you with complete honesty that I if I conjure up an image of the Artist Formerly Known as My Husband, my heart rate remains unchanged, my hands don't sweat and my stomach doesn't turn. I just tested it by thinking about when he proposed on bended knee by Terminal A at Tampa International. Nothing. I can remember the night I read his texts to Dao. It all seems so long ago and I just feel nothing towards him. I don't know if it is because I have totally purged every bit of venom I had for him by broadcasting stories of ManGrooming™ and Vienna Sausages... or is it just time. I've heard the urban legends of formulas for getting over a break-up. One of my friends told me it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over a break-up. Well, that is some bullshit. 

I saw a commercial last night for match.com that said 1 out of 5 relationships starts online. You mean to tell me that Pube Man and Miss IamsoHOT are going to end up in a relationship? Will Alakzam find the love of his life in her apron with nothing else on underneath? Well, that is also some bullshit. 

As for Liars and Special Ops Boy...I thought of him last night when I was watching my favorite chick show, Army Wives. They showed a female colonel talking to her husband and baby girl on a web cam from the Middle East. I am sure he does the same thing with his wife. He is no different that John, Tiger, Jesse James, The Original AssClown, and the liars that many of you had written to me about...I will never understand the ability to put one's own selfish needs ahead of another person. Particularly your wife and children.

I just had a revelation. I don't need to understand it. Why should I? It is not what I am about. Just like I don't understand being a meth head or a NASCAR fan (love you Ali!), why should I understand (i.e. or accept) lying and cheating?

The 5 Stages of Hate

I have 2 girlfriends that are going through divorce. Both of them have children. Both of them are divorcing members of the AssClown Clan™. Both of them will frequently use the phrase, "I hate him." Hate is a big word and a big feeling. I was texting with one of my friends and I told her I thought she would go through stages where the hate would subside. I realized as we were talking about it (via texts since her kids were home) that I now feel a kind of generalized numbness and "Ew!" when I think of John. I have similar feelings for others that range from detached malaise (Alex the bald headed bastard) to laughing freedom (Spencer) to vaguely nauseated pity (Special Ops Boy). All nursing students have to remember the 5 stages of Grief. They are engraved in my brain. I don't have to look them up--Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. If I remember correctly the woman that this work is linked to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (I just learned an umlaut on a Mac is option U) said that one doesn't always go through the stages in the same order and may not reach every stage. For example, I sadly have a few friends that haven't reached acceptance or they skipped the anger stage in griefing the loss of a loved one. I'm going to take a stab (pun intended) at labeling the 5 stages of grief after figuring out you were with a liar or cheater or a combo of the two which could be a 'Chiar'. 

Cheater + Liar =Chiar

5 Stages of Grief Post Recognition of Chiar

1. LaLa--This is a mistake. There has to be an explanation. He loves me. I just co-sgned a mortgage with him. He got me flowers last week. We just had sex 3 hours ago and he told me he loved me...what's a ManGroomer?
2. Ghetto--I am gonna kill that bitch. Where is that mutha fucka? I'm going to kill him. I'm going to put water in the boat and jet ski gas tanks. I'm going to carve my name in the leather of all his precious Johnson and Murphy shoes. I'm faxing copies of their texts to the director of nursing where she works. Whoa.  I thought all those things back then and I decided to chill...until I logged on to Amazon one cold December morning and ordered a case of Vienna Sausages.
3. Waffler--Why did this happen? Is this karma? I'm nice. He isn't so bad. I know he doesn't love her. Is it because I was involved with Dillhole for so long? Is this pay back?  Wanna go with me to Border's to look at self help books? Maybe we can work this out. I hate him. I hate her. Maybe we could go to a marriage counselor. No way. He's a liar. Why didn't I see it? Maybe I can fix it...
4. Medicator--Where's my Xanax? Is it bad to drink wine every day? I'm so tired. I'm going to take a nap. What can I eat? Do you have any candy around here? I love bread. Do you have any pot? And cookies. Where's my drink? 
5. Present--Wait, listen to this story! Can you believe? I wake up without thinking about him. Days go by and he doesn't enter my mind. Heart no longer races when I think about the lies. A detached numbness is all I feel. I am thinking about now or the things I am working towards instead of the past.

I have ridden the roller coaster of all those emotions. I recall the "Ghetto" stage rearing her ugly ass several times. I didn't know I was capable of such anger. I wonder if she kept the parenting magazines I ordered with the "bill me later" option? I no longer believe that I somehow made this happen. I have learned a valuable lesson about listening to my gut. I don't drink wine every day and I hoard Xanax rather than taking it. I wish I could wave a magic wand and help my friends skip all the stages and fast forward to the Present stage. But alas, no magic wand exists...when I Googled "Magic Wand", this kept coming up:

100% Evil

I had a conversation about this today with Polly and Sulie. When someone does something really shitty does it make them a "bad" person? For example, how John conducted himself. Is he evil? Is he bad? He is an extreme example because he obviously has deep problems (I am not being sarcastic. I truly believe he is damaged). I remember really struggling with the fact that I had lived with a monster. I didn't realize good and evil was such a big belief in my life.

Okay, let's move on to other examples. Can a relatively "good" person make bad choices and still be an okay human being? The next example that came up at lunch was Special Ops Boy. Polly said, "What about that guy? He intentionally deceived you." It made me think about things. When I sent him You Are So Busted Email, he replied that he tried to stay away but then he would hear from me and then he would continue. If I knew he was married, I would not have ever talked to him again. That is intentional. And deceptive. I would say it is profoundly immoral and malevolent.

My good friend Birch told me once that when he got serious with his girlfriend he contacted a woman he had been seeing off and on. He said something like: I enjoyed spending time with you. I met a great lady so you and I are not going to have sex with each other again. The lady said something like: Bummer. I'll miss you. Good luck and thanks. Respectful. Adult. Honest.

I think about Spencer. He drove me crazy and he was a bit wacky, but he was not evil. Same for my 1st husband and other men that have been in my life. 

I was telling my sister and friend how a married co-worker from out west put the moves on me this last week. I shut him down by physically picking his hand up off my leg and flinging it away. I wondered what it is that I emit that lures in the married man? Do I have some type of Come to Me Married AssClown pheromone? I am serious. 

I think we all face 100% Evil at least once in our lives. I just need to make sure I avoid it next time. Just like I flung that guy's hand off my leg, I will fling liars and cheaters away!

evil |ˈēvəl|adjectiveprofoundly immoral and malevolent : his evil deeds | no man is so evil as tobe beyond redemption.• (of a force or spirit) embodying or associated with the forces of thedevil : we have been driven out of the house by this evil spirit.• harmful or tending to harm : the evil effects of high taxes.• (of something seen or smelled) extremely unpleasant : a bathroomwith an evil smell.

Like Him Litmus Test

I was taking a shower today and my sister asked if I would get scalded if she ran water in the sink. I didn't know since I live alone. It made me think...when SOB was here he was taking a shower in the morning. I flushed the toilet and ran water with complete disregard. I had a flash thought of, "oohh, this might make it cold or really hot on him in the shower", and then I flushed with impunity.

So, next time you wonder if you really care for someone, ask yourself, "Self, would I care if my flushing will cause scalding water to go down their back?"

Don't know these men but I thought the picture was fitting!

Assholes and Liars Get to Keep Real Names

Back from the trivia tournament. Very fun. 2 Rolling Rocks on board and ready to blog some more...

So, believe it or not, SOB replied:

I don't really now how to respond.  My biggest apology is useless and probably meaningless. I understand.  But am truly sorry. I will not make the usual excuses.

Oh Girl, and I responded....this is the abridged version. I took out some graphic things to protect me. Recall that assholes and liars get to keep their real names...I will stop at first names. He is a liar and a cheat. His name is Joe and on here he will be Joe Dirt.

I am actually very surprised that you responded. I had figured you would be a coward and not reply. 

What would really help me put this in a compartment in my brain to store away and never open again is for you to answer a couple of questions:

1. I know we weren't connected in any way other than fucking, but why me of all the other people to just fuck? You may not like me beyond sex, but I sense that you see I'm a decent woman. Why me? 

2. What about this pitiful Jill? Is this a green card deal? That would not be your style. Do you love her? Do you have some fucked up arrangement? She must have kids for you all to have such a big home. I figured you may have a child together.

3. I have already made an appt for an exam. I don't think you'll tell me, but are you fucking others in addition to your wife and now me? 

4. You know I'm pretty smart and Internet savvy. Did it cross your mind that I could easily find this out if I decided to look? 

I've had such a hard time trusting men. On Monday night when I pulled up the marriage record I didn't want to believe that you were another liar. I even compared your signature on that document to an old mortgage of yours I found on the Internet. It made me feel like puking. Not because I was in love with you or even liked you. I had an ideal of Special Ops Boy/Joe in my head. I thought you were this great guy that had been really hurt in the past that was my kind of helper to healing and going back out into the world. Now all I can think is you are another cheater with no regard for anyone else but yourself. I flew to NM to fuck a married guy and I didn't even know it! 

I didn't puke. I didn't cry. I hit the snooze button a couple of times on Tuesday because I didn't feel like getting up.   

I will not harass you or stalk you. I think you know me better than that. I will not let your self created chaos touch me.

Please answer my questions. I deserve that. After I get my answers I will go away. I think I have proven to you that I keep my word over these last couple of years. 

Why me?

Operation: Liar

At first I was not going to blog about this--I just told Sulie on the phone, "I have changed my mind, I am going to blog the shit out of this." Note: this post will only make sense if you have read the blog from the beginning.

Before I weave my tale, I will tell you the reason I was initially not going to blog about this. It was 2 simple reasons:

1. I'm embarrassed
2. I get so many emails from strangers telling me that I give them hope. This story is a bummer...

So, everyone is familiar with Special Ops Boy and knows that I saw him last Sunday. It has always been a "no-strings" (more on that phrase later). He was going to be in Tampa and we agreed to spend the night together while he was here. I had blogged about how weird it is to get ready to see someone that is not a romantic interest (as in how much effort does one put forth).

Leading up to this meeting--I heard from SOB in the beginning of January. I hadn't talked to him in a while. He mentioned he was away at training and we emailed and did the web chat thing. He told me he was going to be in Tampa and we vaguely talked about getting together. He told me he was getting ready to be deployed again. One night I asked his sign. He replied he didn't know. I said everyone knows their sign. He still said he didn't know. I then asked his birthday and said it is easy to figure out the sign from that. I knew how old he was but we had never talked birth dates. He was coy (as he often was). I told him I would Google it and find it. It was all just idle chit chat. After we signed off I easily found his birthdate and emailed it to him. I didn't get a response, but that was not unusual.  While he was here I said, "you never replied to my email about your birthday. You're a Leo." He said,"because it was wrong." I laughed and said, "it was right." I said "I found it on your old divorce records and then I said his ex-wife's maiden name out loud (love me some myflorida.com). He went off on some lame thing that maybe it was his ex's birthday. He got a weird look on his face. It was dumb. I didn't really care and I let it go.

In the morning he asked me if I had told him he made noises or talked in his sleep. I said that I hadn't said that. He said he must have dreamed it. It was weird. I had a hard time staying asleep (I've blogged about this before). I kept waking up surprised to find a body next to me. It's kind of like when I used to travel a lot and I would wake up in a hotel and not remember where I was. It was so long since I slept with someone. I woke up around 0300, felt his presence and had a fleeting moment of who is in my bed? Crazy.

The night before he asked me about getting back out and dating. He said I should use my Greenlight Cards and get back out there. I talked about it and told him my fears. He was very kind and encouraging. I thought to myself, "this is an icebreaker that will give me the jump start to get back out there (you know the "there" I refer to).

He left early the next morning to go to the base and I seized the day. I got tons of texts and emails asking me how it went. I talked to close friends and posted a vague blog. There was a weird feeling I had and I could not put my finger on it.

That night (Monday) Sulie came over and we made dinner. She was asking how it went. We talked about me being more proactive with being in situations to meet guys, etc. I told her I had a weird feeling. I relayed the birthdate story. Sulie said that indeed was bizarre and told me to get my lap top. I went and got it and set it on the dining room table. Sulie blows me away when it comes to Internet searches. I'm good, but she ROCKS! Her fingers are flying and then I see her cheeks turn red. She looks over at me and turns the computer to me. Special Ops Bastard got remarried in January of 2009 (I had been with him off and on since June of 2008). There was the marriage record in Hillsborough County (county I live in). He had told me he moved to the D.C. area the previous October. Sulie watched me as I read the document. She asked if I was okay. I told her, "yes, but I can't believe he lied like this." She immediately started searching. We found the house records in Maryland and lots of other personal data. Sulie is a p.c. girl and I have a Mac. There are some subtle differences when opening new screens. I moved the lap top back in front of me and took over. I pulled up old documents to compare signatures with the marriage record. I am (was) so naive that I thought there was no way he was such a liar. He has an unusual last name but there are quite a few on the Internet.  I looked a couple of times to prove it was another guy with the same name.  The Queen of Red Flags could not be duped again. Sulie said, "Penelope, this is him."

It was getting late and I was exhausted. In hadn't slept well the night before (perhaps energetically I sensed I had a married, double-life living, mutha fucka in bed with me). We discussed if I would even bother telling him that I knew. I said I would sleep on it....

Cobwebs be gone!

Special Ops Boy™ will be in Tampa tomorrow. You know what that means. That's all I'm gonna say...

Can Girls Just "Do It"?

Tonight I was chatting with a friend about the eternal question...can women fuck like men? Sorry to be so crass. I wanted to have an opening line that would grab you! There's that age old debate that women want more than just sex that can be attributed back to the cave man days where we needed a provider and protector. What does that mean for a woman today that has her own job, house and car? I have a friend that is going through a yucky divorce. She and her soon to be get the fuck out of my house ex are figuring out custody. He is an attorney so he keeps taunting her with statements like, "I could ask for alimony." Ugh. She came over for dinner the other night and we were talking about envisioning future companions. She said, "I don't think women are wired to have no strings attached sex.". My friend tonight told me about hooking up with a "friends with benefits" the other night. He called her less than 5 minutes after leaving her house to saw, "we can't do this again." How is that for afterglow?! My friend obviously got pretty upset. I believe she said something to the effect of..."you were okay about 45 minutes ago when we were in my bed." UGH. 

I have had no strings off again, on again with a guy since the summer of 2008. You may know him as Special Ops Boy. When we met he was very clear about what he was looking for and capable of at that time. I was so numb that I agreed. I don't think about him in googly ways. He is very different than any guy I've ever been with. He is conservative, immersed in his work and kinda cold (I mean that in a good way...really). I am sure the cold part has to do with being in the Navy for > 20 years and the fact that we are not together in that way. He is kind, complimentary, cute...all that stuff. I just know there it is pointless to think about him in any other way than doing it. We talk about life, relationships, books, politics. He knows a lot about me. I know a little about him. I've been able to do it. I will tell him about my dating woes. He encouraged me to like one guy and was not encouraging about Spencer. There is no jealousy or weirdness. He once complimented me on being a "non-psycho." It was quite a compliment. Really. I've wondered if it made me not receptive to meeting guys. I honestly don't think I've been ready prior to this. 

So can girls just "do it"? Polly asked me if I felt depressed after I just "did it". I really didn't. In the beginning I was dealing with the doubts I had after the whole cheating thing (Do I look ok? Is he having fun?) Later I got to know him better and I relaxed. He always says he can't believe he's done it with a democrat. I reply that I can't believe I had a conservative in me (with a condom). Seriously, I think it depends on the girl and where she is coming from. I have been coming from a place of being a bit gun shy and protective. The "relationship" with him has been positive. We've had fun and remained friends over the Internet. Perhaps Special Ops Boy was kinda like the training before a big race?

As for the guy that called my friend to say "no more" 5 minutes after he left her house...I believe I shall make him into a cartoon:

Yes, you can google "Ass Clown"

Sleeping Together

Sulie sent me an email last night--The subject line was Doing it in your 40s. It simply read:

you are putting a lot out there….but I am laughing,

I noticed she had a comma at the end like she was going to say more. I called and asked her if I should take it down. I reasoned that referencing the Barbara Bush is WAY less personal than the other things I've written. Besides, I've got the safety of the Penelope name and cartoon picture, right? She said no to taking it down and the fact that it made her laugh was almost like a litmus test for appropriate vs. inappropriate. I emailed Special Ops Boy last night. He told me once that he went a year without having sex during the divorce. That was the subject of my email last night. I had gathered in our various conversations that he was pretty devastated by his ex wife. It would come up now and then. I recall one quote where he said, "she took out my heart, threw it on the ground and stomped on it." Pretty vivid. He was married to her for 16 years. He told me he never strayed (and I believe that). They grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania and got married really young. She cheated on him while he was deployed somewhere faraway, hot and yucky.  I had sent him a link to the blog a while ago. In his reply today, he said that he had read the blog a bit. He also wrote something really nice--essentially that I had nothing to do with all the events. It was John's deal. I had never told him the gruesome details of John. I kept it to the top line info only--he cheated, she is Vietnamese, I have Asian issues...I never thought I would be with anyone other than John. That is why I was such a wreck when it came down to doing it with Special Ops Boy. I asked him to show me his military I.D. I had a taser in my bedroom. I can see it now--"Hold on a minute, could you please stop strangling me so I can reach down and get my taser? Thanks". Sidebar--About a year ago, Birch told me that my approval rating had gone up in his eyes since I had a taser at my bedside and I was doing it with a killer (the killer part was Birch's own assumption--Special Ops Boy is in intelligence and we don't talk about that stuff.) I just had a revelation. Special Ops Boy (SOB now), was safe. He was hurt. I was hurt. He was clear that he did not want more than what we did. I had so much distrust in all men. There was no way I could have started any type of "relationship" back then and that was not what either one of us were looking for. I couldn't imagine lying down, closing my eyes and falling asleep next to anyone ever again. Off and on for the first year after I left Louisiana I would have flashes of my view from my bed in Louisiana. If I was on my right side I could see a bit of street light from the street. If I was on my left side I would have the ManGroomer next to me and if the moon was full I would see the light through the blinds. It would freak me out to have flashes of those memories when I was alone and in my own bed in Tampa. The first time I actually spent the night with a boy was hard. I couldn't fall asleep for the first hour and when I finally did go to sleep, I would wake up and toss and turn. Spencer would comment on how I would always want to leave to go back to my place. There is something about "sleeping" next to someone that is very personal. Oh I'll do it with you--I just don't want to close my eyes next to you!

I just remembered something. When John and I went on our first trip together I could not sleep. He got really upset. He said he would wake up and see my eyes open. Maybe I knew?  I think back to all the boys in the past. That can be my Red-Flag-O-Meter. If I can fall asleep it is ok. 

I feel that Special Ops Boy needs to be made into a cartoon. If he was a cartoon, he would look like this:

Well, not really because he is much higher up in the Navy than the Dixie Cup on the head stage, but I like the symbolism of no facial features. 

What Guys Say Part Deux

So I was writing while I had color and highlights being done. I am done-- coiffed and back at my computer. Remember the quote from my guy friend, "Success is the best  revenge"? It is so true.I sent a case of Vienna Sausages, I sent scorching texts to both him and Pao, I left voicemails that would curl your toes.  I subscribed to all kinds of parenting magazines in both their names and checked "bill me later".   I was out of control. I was trying to understand it, fix it, make him pay, make her pay...none of it worked. Special Ops Boy (as I referred to the Navy guy) was the one that got through to me. The lightbulb went off. It was so easy.  So Zen. So Oprah.  I was happy.  I lived back in Florida.  I was close to my sister and friends.  I could get to Nordstrom's in less than 10 minutes. There was the beach, Bayshore, Pilates, Mad Dog's and Englishmen, PUBLIX (no more stank ass Albertson's).  That stuff is just stuff but I am a Florida girl. I love the sun, the smell, I can name all the birds and plants, but most of all, in Florida I can heal.

He ignored me at the meeting. He looked down when I passed (with my posse in tow). He never went out. On day 3, I stepped out to get a bottle of water.  He was out in the hall. I asked if he planned on acknowledging me.  He said, "hello, you look nice. It looks like you are doing well." Ahhh....this was the best revenge that Special Ops boy spoke about. We agreed to meet that evening to have a glass of wine and have our farewell. I knew I would never see him again (and it was good).

We met and talked about the boys. I smiled and asked questions. It was very short and then we got up to go to a dinner. It was the award night where everyone lets loose. I lost him in the crowd. One of my operatives told me that he was watching me the whole night. I was thrilled to report that I received that information with indifference.

I went to my room and I received a text from him:

I am in my room. 1004

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Yes, Success is the best revenge.