Maria at Old Navy

I don't think I have blogged about a "Maria" in a long time. We got the news that my cousin's father was dying. She flew quickly got a ticket and flew in from Hilo to be in Ocala. She had to scramble to get ready and (not to be morbid) we weren't sure how long he had to live. She mentioned she had mostly shorts and Hawaii type clothes. I ran by Old Navy and got a couple of things she could wear to the nursing home, etc. In Hilo she dresses pretty casual (like I would if I didn't work for the MAN). The cashier asked me if I needed a gift receipt. I was in that manic, tell everyone your business mode (you know you do it too). I told her "no" and explained the clothes (I thought she may wonder why I was buying smalls...) She smiled and whispered, "I just gave you 30% off." What a MARIA! Interestingly enough, if you recall, the first Maria was at the Banana.  Old Navy and Banana are owned by the same company!

Vietnamese Maria

I woke up in excuciating pain. On a scale of 1-10 it was a 15. I look up and a Vietnamese woman is looking down at me. She grabs my hand and asks me to describe my pain. I tell her my back is on fire. She tells me to hold on and immediately there is a doctor in a scrub cap looking down at me. They speak about what to do and the Vietnamese nurse walks away and is back almost immediately. I struggle to read her name tag. She smiles and says, "hi, I'm your nurse, Annie." She is hooking up something I recognize immediately--a PCA pump (Patient Controlled Analgesia--a pump to administer IV pain medication at a constant rate and the patient can also hit a button for a extra kick during allowed time limits). Her hands are flying as I am crying. She looks at me and says, "Who is John?" At this point I don't recall talking--just crying. I said, "Why?". She said you kept crying and saying, "Where's John, I need John." I closed my eyes and said, "My husband. I am in the process of a divorce. An ugly one." I point at the pump and ask hopefully, "Morphine?", she smiles and says, "No, even better--Dilaudid." (10X stronger with less side effects). She told me she heard I was a nurse (an anesthesiologist I used to work with was the one that put me to sleep.) I was getting ready to open my mouth to thank her and I blacked out. I woke up in my hospital room and it was dark. Sulie and one of my friends came in. I was out right away. The next morning I woke up to find Dillhole sitting in the chair next to my bed. I had the surgery 5 months after moving back to Tampa. He was worried about me. I looked at him and remembered him carrying me up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment 10 years prior when I was sick. That was back in my size 6, 125 lbs. days. The days leading up to my back surgery he would come over to the condo I was living in and rub my back while I laid on the sofa crying. We would eat Chipotle and watch movies. He told me I was no longer the happy, laughing girl he once knew. I told him she was gone. He told me she was just hibernating.  He reasoned if I could get over him (meaning him--Dillhole) that I could get over John. Back to the hospital--I just stared at him thinking, "Wow, Dillhole is here to check on me" (he has been called Dillhole for so many years by my sister that I truly think of his as Dillhole). He asked how I felt--I remember saying, "ok" and then I started to fall asleep. I felt him kiss my on the forehead and heard him walk away.

I flashed back to this memory of April, 2008 today. In my job I call on surgeons and operating room  nurses. I was in an O.R. today I had to cut through the recovery room. I saw an Asian nurse and I smiled as I remembered Annie my Vietnamese nurse. I was so gorked that night, but I remembered her name. I called St Joe's the next week and asked for the recovery room. I described her and said all I knew was Annie and she was Asian. The woman on the phone said, yes, she's Vietnamese, so am I." I asked for Annie's last name. I wrote her a thank you note. I told her how I knew how tough it is to get an order, find a pump, get the drug from the narc drawer and hang it. She did it all in record time. It makes me think that God had a sense of humor when I was sent a Vietnamese Maria. I don't think I got that until today when I had my recovery room memory.

Imagining it so you can avoid it

My friend JCH sent this to me after he read the Emotional Procrastination post. It reminds me of a phrase my first husband used to use--"Better the devil you know." You may think this is a bit weird, but I used to talk to him about Dillhole. My ex-husband (#1, the nice one, the one I am still friends with) had quite an opinion about Dillhole. I remember when I was dating husband #1 (known as Duke on the blog), we were in the shower talking about past relationships. He said, "I don't understand why you are single. You're so together and fun." I told him about the on/off/on/off thing with Dillhole. He couldn't understand that I had spent so much time waiting for this guy. Sadly, I ended up back with Dillhole after my divorce (better the DEVIL you know). Duke tried to reason with me. He encouraged me to date others. I can't tell you how many phone conversations I had with Duke where he tried to reason with me.

So here is a page from a business related book on what the author refers to as "Presentism". This is a concept directed to job search but I agree with JCH that it can be applied to other ways of designing your future whether it is career relationship, etc. If you click on the picture it should get bigger where so it will be easier to read...

So, when I (we) stay in something could it be that we think that is all there is? A lot of what I have worked on both personally and publicly (under the trusty protection of a cartoon picture and alias) is changing my beliefs. Based on my experiences, I had developed the belief that " All Men Cheat". It has been a lot of work changing this belief. I had to adjust what I would see. Every day I hear a minimum of one story of infidelity. It can be from friends, from customers, the news (Tiger Woods anyone?), T.V. shows--my point is that cheating can be in your face everyday. I get heartbreaking emails from blog readers. I love when the writers (both women and men) tell me they feel like they have hope after reading my crazy ass stories. I love that! Many of the emails make John look like a saint. 

I choose what I am going to surround myself to in relation to cheating and my core beliefs. I refuse to believe that all men are pigs. That is why I look for the "Marias" in my day to day life. Last week I had a doctor appointment for a check up. I saw a lovely couple in my doctor's office. They were in their 60's and holding hands (you know me and holding hands...) I started to talk to the wife and she told me about their marriage. She got tears in her eyes when she told me about how much she loved him. I started to tear up just talking to her. I think that every day there is a t least one if not several "Marias" to show me that there is good out there. Soooooooo...what I'm saying is: I choose to imagine good and stop avoiding.

Marias on the Beach

I like to drive over to the beach and read a book. I usually go to Pass-a-Grille since I used to live there. I did that a lot when I first moved back and especially after I was laid off.  I was scrolling through some pictures and I came across these dated 12/28/2008:

Thinking back that was a rocky time. My severance had just run out and nothing says "Happy Holidays" like being unemployed. I had sat on the bay side and I noticed this couple walk across and set up their chairs. They had a great time watching the pelicans and laughing. I imagined they had been married 50+ years and had a big family full of kids, grand-kids and maybe even great grand-kids. In my people watching fashion, I deftly acted like I was taking pictures of the water while I took their pictures. I sent them to a couple of friends saying how cute they were.  When they got up to leave, they said hello as they passed me. I said, "Can I ask how long you've been married?" I added that they seemed so in love. They giggled and both tag-teamed as they told me the story that they had been married in their younger years and she was divorced and he was widowed. They both remained single for quite a while. They had met 13 years earlier and had only been married a few years.  I told the woman I was convinced I would never meet anyone again.  She told me that she met the love of her life (man in pictures above) when she was 60! He was obviously crazy for her.  It was a great moment.  Come to think of it--they were 2 Marias!

The Banana

I had to get clothes for my meeting.  I berated myself because I could see all the wardrobe boxes in a storage room in Louisiana.  I put on jeans and a t-shirt and headed to the Banana Republic.  I started to look at clothes.  The store started to close in around me. My heart started to race.  Why am I having to buy new clothes? Why am I starting over at 42?  What was I thinking?  Fuck.  All the pants were 100 bucks or more.  I went to the sale rack.  There's a cute top--oh yeah, I already have it.  I like those pants--oh yeah, there are in a wardrobe box in storage.  I took a deep breath and walked to the counter.  A cute guy that was obviously gay (I say that with love) asked if he could help?  I asked if there was a female sales associate on?  He said, "yes, but she's at dinner.  Can I help you?"  I started to spew, "my husband cheated on me and I had to leave and I don't have any clothes for work and I don't know what to do."  You should have seen his face!  He deftly handed me a kleenex box and ran.  Out came Maria.  She was 9 months pregnant.  She put her arm around me and took me to a dressing room.  She sat me down with my Kleenex box.  She said, "let's see--you wear an 8 or 10 and medium tops, right?"  I nodded.  She came back with tons of outfits from the sales rack.  I stopped crying and started trying on.  We decided on 4 outfits.  All on SALE!  As I exited the dressing room I said to her, "he cheated on me."  She said, "I know--10 years ago I left Pensacola with just a suitcase for the same reason."  She pointed at her stomach and said, "This is baby number 2 with a great guy".  She went on to say, "you don't know it now,but you will be fine."  She hugged me after I paid.  I went into the Banana a month later.  I had a baby gift.  She had a healthy baby girl.