Sulie is back!

I am back!!  Penelope asked me the other day if I was going to write a sequel to my earlier blog..so here I am.  Thank you everyone for your well wishes.  I did get a job…in fact a better job than the last one.  More money, more responsibility, a chance to work with smart people and so far, there does not appear to massive, undiagnosed mental illness on board (I am sure it will come out later).  I am still in the honeymoon period.  I knew I was feeling better when I went back to my favorite thing to do when I am alone in my house…listening to my iPod while watching TV.  I dance around listening to my loud tunes.  It is my thing...it use to make my mom shake her head.  I look at it as a way to experience all the entertainment I can.

I have had setbacks…but that is to be expected.  The fools I used to work for filed an appeal for my unemployment.  What that meant is that I had to participate in a telephonic hearing where I had to listen to the HR Director and the CEO speak about why I should not get unemployment. Basically it was 10 minutes of hearing that I suck.  I had my chance to respond and I believe I did a good job.  I was professional, but let the referee know that those fools did not have a leg to stand on.  Whatever the outcome is, I know I stood up for myself and know that the boss was too much of a pussy to be on the call.  Rather telling, don’t you think? That little episode made me think back to my desire to make them pay.  Do I file a complaint with the EEOC because I was terminated for lesser offense than my boss did two years ago?  Do I respond to the financial review that had incorrect information?  Or do I listen to the advice of my good friend, Pop?  Pop is an older gentleman (father of Polly) and one of the greatest human beings I have ever met.  He tells it like it is and makes you feel like you are the most important person in the room when he is talking to you.  I asked Pop, ”What would you do?”.  He looked off at the distance and said “Sulie…don’t bother with them”.  He explained that would only continue the pain that I have experienced.  The exact same words of another of the greatest human beings I have met, L.  I still fight with it though.  I have this great desire for revenge.  I saw someone who I used to work with at the store the other day (someone I liked) and in the 15 minutes, I went from classy (I have a great job..they did me a huge favor) to trashy (I called the CEO evil..this person really respects the CEO).  Penelope did not think that was such a great idea…I know that too, but I did not care.  Is that so wrong?  I am human and what happened was shitty.  I know that this journey is still in progress and I have made tremendous advances, but I am still really mad.  I will get over it… 

Bad things happening to good people

My sister was let go from her job this week. She stood up for what she believed on several occasions (she is an accountant) and the CEO didn't like it. Sulie is asleep in my bed right now (with a cute dog next to her). It is like a death. She is exhausted--she has been questioning herself, worried what people are saying and wondering if she should have done things differently. It kills me to see her in so much pain. You know The Punisher™ wants to come out. I have visions of packing up Daisy's shit in a box and FedExing it to the C-U-Next-Tuesday that did this. Instead I have been providing round the clock Xanax and humor. I do know that Sulie will land on her feet and get a fabulous job and the cretins at that place will all go down (it is a not for profit that has questionable ethics). I ask all my peeps in blog land to pray, think good thoughts, meditate (whatever it is you do), good thoughts for Sulie. She has an interview tomorrow and is in the running for another position (she had been out there looking prior to this week). 

It makes me ponder that question we all think about--What do shitty things happen to good people? Is it part of a plan? I know it is my sister's journey, but why? It is just like when Bob Nobles used to make fun of her when we were in kindergarten and she was in preschool. I want to kick a mutha fucka's ass. I will keep The Punisher™ at bay and hold Sulie in my highest thoughts.

If any of you all have experience interviewing after being let go, could you please give comments or advice. You can comment anonymously or send me an email. Even if it is anecdotal friend-of-a-friend stories. Sulie is dreading the "have you been terminated question". She did nothing wrong, but there is a stigma associated with the word "terminated". Thank you all.

The AssClown Clan™

I went to dinner with Polly last night. She was analyzing things of late and had me run through my relationships since college. She astutely pointed out that I seemed to have similar results with each guy and they all seemed to come from the same clan--The AssClown Clan™. It made me think about what I really would like in a Man and why have I been settling?

I'm really good at envisioning things. I moved back to Tampa and I knew I wanted a 1920's bungalow with a porch swing on a brick street. Less than a year after moving back, I closed on my house. It was built in 1926, it has a porch swing and it's on a brick road!:

When I was little, my Dad would take me hunting and fishing with him. There was never any doubt when we would go out that we would catch tons of fish. If I was aiming at a target, my Dad would whisper in my ear about lining up my sights and missing was not an option. Here is a fine polaroid of 10 year old me with poor Mr. Cottontail. and yes, that is my own .22 leaning against the table:

Sulie and I went fishing one day and caught 22 bream (that would be a type of fish for my girlie girl readers) in a couple of hours. We just did it. Sulie would catch one and I would take them off the hook and throw them in the bucket. We were so proud when we ate them for dinner.

When does that "I Can Do Anything" attitude go away? I love when you see a little kid get excited to push the button in the elevator or holler when a dump truck goes by. How does it go from that excitement to, "shit, I have to wait for the elevator" or "that dump truck is spewing dirt all over my clean car." Thinking about this made me look through baby pictures.

Look at Sulie. So cute. I think she is 4 and I'm 6 in this one (I used to have a mole on my face that was removed at 5). I could look at this picture so many different ways--I think it is hopeful...Sulie grows up to be an accountant that is working on her CPA and I'm a R.N. She loved baby dolls and I loved to climb trees. We shared a room with twin beds and Cinderella wallpaper on one of the walls. We would play Name that Tune in the dark and I once split my chin leaning over to hit her! I had to get stitches where I hit my chin so hard on the bedside table. The sucky thing was my Dad was the doctor that put in the stitches. He yelled at me the whole time for trying to hurt Sulie while the nurse held my sweaty hand. 

I think I remember when the "I Can Do Anything" feeling went away. My Father died in his sleep when I was 11. He was only 54. It was pretty devastating. Sulie was 9. She kept walking around the house saying, "where's Daddy?" as my Mom cried. Things seemed pretty sad after that. My Mom shut down. I don't remember much. Sometimes Sulie and I will piece together memories from that time. That was my first memory that Men you love will eventually leave.

I've seen this picture plenty of times and I never noticed I had his tie around my neck. My hairdresser sucked! I wish I still had the mole...I would be so mysterious.

It is weird how you learn certain beliefs and they stick with you. Polly's questions last night made me realize how I keep picking out Men that seem different (i.e. different hair, eyes, body types, professions) but they all seem to have similar core values and links to the AssClown Clan™.

Gotta love being raised in Florida. What the hell am I drinking? It looks like iced tea, but I can't stand tea. 

My friend (known as Betty on here) told me how her son brought her coffee in bed today. I commented he was on the road to being a good husband. He is so sweet. One day I met Betty and her kids at one of those paint your own pottery places. He saw me drive up and came outside to wave me in and walk me into the store. Is that nature or nurture or both? I think Betty has taught him right. Unfortunately, his father (lowercase "f" intended) is a member of the AssClown Clan™. That is another post for another day. Because I lost my Dad so young, did that mean I didn't get to see the right "model" of a Man to look for? (Sidebar--Betty lost her Father at a young age too). 

I've got my education, I have a great job, my own house, car, friends and a fabulous relationship with my sister...why is the Man relationship thing so challenging for me? I know I have made some poor choices. Why do I keep doing that? At work I am savvy--I don't trust anyone (as far as lying customers), I assess things and I am almost always on target. The same in any other facet of my life. Why am I so willing to accept shit when it comes to guys?

Lynn has told me over and over to envision the Man I want to have as my companion. I keep going back to the shallow shit--hair, blue eyes, tall with muscles, smart, funny, reader, big schlong...I don't ever put in the really important things like honesty, integrity, family, etc.

One of my future blogs will be Building the Perfect Man for Penelope. I see that I have an opportunity to adjust how I am thinking. I envisioned my house and I got it (and the 2 before it and my first condo). The same with my degrees, jobs and salary. 

I go back to my appointment with Lynn when she had me talk about what I really wanted and to describe the feeling. It still makes me nervous in the comfort of my own home. The last time I remember lying in bed with a man and not being afraid was with John. Look where that got me. By afraid, I don't mean like he is going to strangle me--I mean emotionally afraid. I would wake up and his smile was the first thing I saw. He would say, "Good morning baby, I love you." I believed. Just like my Dad had a heart attack and died in his sleep; the illusion of John went away that fast.

I always like to tie these posts of with a pretty bow. I don't have one tonight.