Ugh

My friend GBS sent this to me today. It pisses me off on so many levels:


An Internet law designed to protect the stealing of trade secrets and identities is being used to levy a felony charge against a Michigan man after he logged onto his then-wife's Gmail account and found out she was cheating. 

Leon Walker, 33, of Rochester Hills, Mich., is being charged with felony computer misuse, and faces up to five years in prison after logging into the email account of now ex-wife Clara Walker on a shared laptop using her password, the Detroit Free Press reports.

He is facing a Feb. 7 trial. Leon and Clara Walker's divorce was finalized earlier this month, the Free Press reports.

Clara, who was married twice previously, was having an affair with her second husband, as Walker found in her email, according to the Free Press. The second husband had been arrested earlier for beating her in front of her young son from her first husband.

Walker was worried about more domestic violence from husband No. 2, so he handed the e-mails over to the child's father, the Free Press reports. He promptly filed an emergency motion to obtain custody.

Leon Walker, a computer technician with Oakland County, was arrested in February 2009, after Clara Walker learned he had provided the emails to her first husband.

"I was doing what I had to do," Leon Walker told the Free Press in a recent interview. He has been out on bond since shortly after his arrest. "We're talking about putting a child in danger."

Oakland County Prosecutor Jessica Cooper defended her decision to charge Walker, calling him a skilled "hacker" who downloaded the material in "a contentious way."

Electronic Privacy expert Frederick Lane told the Free Press that the case hinges in a legal grey area, and the fact that the laptop was shared may help Walker's cause.

About 45 percent of divorce cases involve some snooping -- and gathering -- of email, Facebook and other online material, Lane said. But he added that those are generally used by the warring parties for civil reasons -- not for criminal prosecution, the Free Press reports. 


http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/12/27/national/main7189082.shtml

Choices

I am watching the Oprah interview with Rielle Hunter. Almost immediately, the screen got blurry and Rielle got shorter and fatter with black hair and slanted eyes and I became Oprah. She keeps talking about how she lives an "authentic" life. I don't know if I will watch the whole thing. It is putrid. Oprah's body language and questions are right on. She said something to the effect of "I didn't know the state of his marriage", when Oprah asked if she knew he was married when she started seeing him. Like it would make it okay? It reminded me of when I called Dao and we talked for a couple of hours. I asked her, "did you know about me?" and she replied, "yes, he told me you were great but he needed more." Oprah made the statement, "you can make choices". It makes me thing of something I have brought up several times in therapy--why do people cheat? Why doesn't self control kick in? I always want the cheater to see what they are doing is wrong and to stop. It just doesn't work that way.

Many years ago in a Penelope life that I am not proud of I was the "other woman." I rationalized that it was okay because he did not live with his wife and he told me they couldn't afford a divorce. One night I went by his house and I was surprised to see his wife was there. She went off on me and screamed, "how could you do this?" I calmly asked her what about his responsibility? She said it was all me. I told her how sorry I was and I left. He told me they never talked about it again after that night. Crazy! Ironically, last year I had a date and I met the guy at a local bar. He was sitting at the bar when I got there. I sat down and looked at the woman next to me--it was her! She looked at me and I saw the recognition register in her eyes. She looked the other way and kept drinking. She was alone. Since then I have seen her several times drinking alone. I sat there thinking, "I know she thinks I am shit". I smiled and talked to the guy and could not wait to get out of there!

Why do I tell you all this? A few of my friends have told me they feel uncomfortable reading some of my stories because they've had affairs. I have never cheated on a partner, but I have been the cheatee. It didn't matter that their marriage was dead and they lived apart. She was just as devastated. Sometimes I wonder if the John/Dao thing was some fucked up type of karma for my years spent with a man who despite what he said or where he lived, he was married. In case you're wondering, he is the one I refer to as "Dillhole".

Even Porn Queens Need Closure

I could not sleep last night. I did the try to read, turn on the TV dance. I came across a delightful show on HBO called Cathouse. If you are not familiar with this little gem--it is a show about a brothel in Nevada. It is run by a disturbing man named Dennis. He looks like a bloated version of Mr. Clean. On this episode, one of Dennis' old employees and ex-girlfriend (Sunset Thomas) came to see him. She had left without having closure years before. He would cheat on her and it drove her crazy. It made me sad to see her get ready to see him. It was obvious she was nervous. I watched as she walked up to the Cathouse in her suit (that was barely covering her butt) with her hair in a bun (looking conservative) and it hit me...it doesn't matter what we do, (porn stars, prostitutes, waitresses, nurses, sales reps, doctors, scientists) we hurt in a very similar way. 

A few years back I got to know a woman that was hurt by an ex friend of mine. She is an accomplished physician. She has written several papers and went to a prestigious school. I remember thinking, "Wow, she is so brilliant and she still is wasting time on that idiot!" How funny is it that I thought spinning your wheels on a guy was reserved for the common folk? I am saying that with tongue in cheek, but I did have a belief that the super intelligent didn't mess with such things. I don't know why I thought that. There are so many examples of women scorned from all walks of life. Some of the public ones--the astronaut lady (forgot her name, you know, the one that will go down in history as the diaper wearer), Hillary Clinton (oh no--that starts me on a whole list of political wives),  Jenny Stanford, Elizabeth Edwards, Jackie O.,and now celebs-- Elin Woods, Elizabeth Hurley, Jennifer Aniston, Shania Twain, Reese Witherspoon, and last, Tampa folk--Polly's across the street neighbor with a newborn baby, 1 nurse practitioner I know and 2 doctors,...ugh, the list goes on and on. 

I found a funny site while googling "women scorned". Check out the picture of the lady on the left:

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-what-scorned-women-have-done-to-get-even/

The hurt is no different for Sunset as she works in the sex industry or the doctor I mentioned works in the lab all day.

Sunset Thomas...you are much better off without the Bloated Mr. Clean. I bet he owns a ManGroomer™!

Same As It Ever Was

I had a Lynn appointment this afternoon. It's kinda funny--when I made it a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, "I may have to reschedule this, things are good, I don't think I'll have anything to talk about." She greeted me in the waiting room and I made my way up the stairs to her office. I sat down. She smiled and asked what I wanted to talk about. My mouth opened, words and f bombs flew. She sat there quietly listening. I covered a lot of ground in less than 5 minutes. She quietly said, "you associate this with John." I told her I didn't think I said that. This is what I did say--"cheating, lying, cheating, lying, liar, fucker, liar, fuck, liar, liar, married, what about his wife, ew, gross, pig, all men are pigs, fuck, fucking, fuckers." Okay, maybe she had a fucking point. I told her how pissed off I was at myself for putting my head in the sand. I told her I wasn't naive in thinking he wasn't celibate, but FUCKING MARRIED!? and I didn't not have a choice in deciding if I wanted to participate in his extra martial affair (the woman who started a blog about cheating!) Lynn talked about how the mind tells itself what it wants to hear. I had not had sex with anyone else in almost a year. I thought he was safe. I thought he was a decent guy. She said it was easier for me to beleive that he was married to his job vs. the reality that he was truly married. EW. She also brought up my belief that "All Men Are Pigs". I told her that I had even emailed that question to my ex (Duke--recall, he's a right WANKER). We talked about the fact that all men are not pigs and discussed examples of non-pig men. She asked me who was my ideal man--I had to say Joe DuBois. Luckily she watched Medium and knew of Joe. Ironically, Joe is a very normal guy. We really zeroed in on my fear of a "real" relationship. She also said how great it was that my gut told me something wasn't right with this guy. Okay, I was starting to not be so hard on myself and see the positives. I learned a valuable lesson--if something seems too good to be true (i.e. that SOB was safe), it probably isn't true.  

Funny, that the shit I was working on a year ago (i.e. the fear of being hurt again) is still here. Same as it ever was (envision Talking Heads guy, David Byrne doing that motion down his arm). Suppress it and it will always pop back up. Things could be much worse--I could be In Haiti or Chile or in Special Ops Bastard's mind....

Interestingly, Lynn brought up the fact that I was cynical. I call it funny...again, she had a point. She said how my humor was a coping mechanism. I told her that the "shitting fish sticks'' phrase had brought me tons of enjoyment. I think it may have eclipsed all ManGroomer™ humor. She agreed that SOB's stomach may be a bit upset this week. Back to cynicism. It is funny I wrote about sarcasm the other day.I've always been the class clown. The one that makes everyone laugh. Take that away and I am NAKED!

So, moving forward...I have reservations at Season 52 tonight (the new "in" place). We will be taking a taxi. I will start hair and makeup in about an hour. GreenLight Cards will be in my purse. I won't be ordering the fish...

What Would James Bond Do?

This guy KILLS me!  I could listen to him all day. He is sarcastic which is funny...

I LOVE the INTERNET!!!

All I did was go to my friend Google...hate the still shot but it will get my pig guy friends to look at it.

How to spot a LIAR

My guy friend (hmmm...what shall I call him? yes, he will be "Costa") and I talk about body language a lot. We're in sales. We were surprised when we realized we had both read books by Paul Ekman. There are really intersting studies on facial expressions that are authentic vs. forced. Costa and I have talked about lying when it comes to business (i.e. when we didn't trust a word our old VP was saying).  We talk about posture and facial expressions in interviews.  How a person looks when they are remembering something (up and to the right) vs. lying about something (up and to the left). (Disclaimer--there are variables to this please don't try on your partner and decide they are lying).

I think back now to how John carried himself. In retrospect there are some telling things I recall. He was always looking up. I wish I could remember which way. He always used "baby" when he was trying to be convincing. Recall when I asked if he had a girlfriend (sadly I was joking at the time) and he replied, "baby, I want to look good for you."  He would also stare me in the eyes when I was asking him direct questions.  Now I know he was trying to convince me that he wasn't lying!  Before the infamous day of awakening-10/27/07, I had been in Palo Alto for a meeting.  When I checked into the hotel I was told I had a package. It was a box from John.  He had gotten me a new Mont Blanc pen. The week before I had torn the house apart looking for my nice pen that my old teammates had given me when I was promoted.  I was obsessed with finding it.  He went and bought the same exact pen and enclosed a lovely note telling me how much he loved me.  Later, after I had done my own CSI on his BlackBerry and email, I figured out he was already with Peach Flower when he sent me the pen. He was a frickin cliche!  He had also brought me flowers the week before...

So what do I do with all this moving forward? You may wonder if I have dared to dip my toe in the dating waters? I've gone through phases. As you can imagine this whole nightmare was quite damaging to the old self esteem.  I've tried all kinds of Internet dating with marginal results. I will actually switch the tone of this blog to dating after January 1. I have worked through lots of gruesome shit and I feel like I've come out of the muck on the other side.  The counselor I went to when I first moved back really focused on red flags.  Not in a blaming way--more about what was it about that I was willing to compromise and accept less than what I deserve?  There was definitely something there.  I knew that there were issues with John (I had caught him in some significant lies prior to our marriage-never cheating.)--but I always forgave him.

I will tell you this--I can't tell you how many guys I have not given a second thought to because I see the red flags right away. I'm not the bitter beeotch that trusts no one--I just call a spade a spade.

Remember the story about leaving the LSU game to fly home when I found out John had lied about his previous marriage(s)? I went home and refused his calls.  I called Annie (the mother of his boys).  She was very kind. She laid it out for me.  Her quote, I remember like it was yesterday, "what do you want--someone to have fun with or a relationship? He is not someone to have a relationship with."  That was on Sunday.  Monday evening he showed up on my doorstep with flowers.  He told me he didn't mean to not tell me--he had "forgotten" since they were young when they were married the first time.  I didn't crumble right away.  I kept my arms crossed.  I can't remember what made me break.  The guy is smooth.  As my old shrink used to say, "he is in sales and he SOLD you!"

October 27, 2007

"Good Night, I love you. I can't wait to see you tomorrow!" Nice words--except when they are written to your husband from another woman. I grabbed the kitchen counter as the room swirled around me. I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I looked back at the senders name. It was a bizarre 3 letter name that looked Asian. Waves of nausea rolled over me as I scrolled through texts between John and HER. Apparently they had a plan to meet the following day after I took off for Birmingham. I didn't cry. I didn't yell. I was calm. I thought about what to do next. John had already gone to bed. We were at our lake house (a.k.a. The Camp--more about that and the Deliverance Like Culture of Louisiana later...). I needed to leave. Fast. I crept down the hall. I could hear him snoring. I had on a tank top with no bra and drawstring pajama bottoms. I grabbed the keys to my car, my purse and his BlackBerry. I weaved through the dark roads trying to get a cell signal. I knew I wouldn't get one for at least 10 minutes. I kept hitting buttons on his BlackBerry to keep it from locking. We both worked for the same company and I knew his BlackBerry would go into password mode in 10 minutes. My mind raced as I drove. He was cheating. He was "in love" with his "soulmate." Yes, he had texted her that she was his soulmate. WTF?! Why did I move to the armpit of Louisiana if he was going to cheat on me?

Why I decided to blog...

It's a couple of days after Christmas and I am watching Julie and Julia. I am evaluating the last 2 years of my life. In 2007 I found out that I was married to a stranger. Within 6 months I moved back to Florida, I got laid off, I had major surgery, I went back to school, I bought a house and I started to rebuild my life. I have told numerous stories about the cheating liar. I have written funny emails and entertained friends at parties with the ridiculous things that have happened since October 27th, 2007. More than once I've heard, "you should write a book." I just watched Amy Adams play Julie as she typed her daily blog in Julie and Julia. I decided to do the same. It has been 2 years since I read the text that opened my eyes. I just found out last week that he finally refinanced a property that was in both our names (he was supposed to do that more than a year ago). My goal is to finally and completely exorcise the ghost of HIM. I feel like if I write it all down I will finally be done. I have changed my name to protect the innocent (me). I think I will just refer to HIM with a common guy name---let's call him John.