Carry On Baggage

"If you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one." That is what my shrink Lynn said to me last week. I laughed and she repeated it. She has an amazing memory. She doesn't take notes. She reminded me that I had said to her, "even the fat lady on Hoarders has a boyfriend". I said that months ago. 

She said it again, "If you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one." I didn't agree. We started talking about what I want. I said I was NEVER going to get married again. That I would be content to have a boyfriend to travel with, hang out a few nights a week, fuck, you know... Lynn told me that if that was what I wanted, that was what I was getting. She said no one would want to be committed to someone that NEVER wants to get married and is content to see each other a few times a week. I admitted that she may have a point. I said I really don't want to ever get married again. She clarified and it is more from a protection of my finances standpoint. I told her I would do the Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn thing. I can't recall the articulate shrink way she said it, but I was essentially told I am putting out a no commitment vibe.

I've been thinking about it off and on for the last week. I can't imagine ever getting the proverbial rug pulled out from under me ever again. It terrifies me. There is something to the fact that if I am not willing to take risks or put myself out there, (fuckin' hate that expression) that chances are I will not meet my Joe Dubois (who by the way has a new short haircut that I do not enjoy).

I have baggage. It is in a fashionable carry on, with the contents neatly organized,  but I have it. I was at a dinner the other night and someone close to me was texting under the table with his wife sitting next to him. It struck a nerve with me. They have a strong marriage and I seriously doubt he would cheat. It still bugged the shit out of me. First, I think it is rude as shit. Second, I think there is no one to text if you are at dinner with your wife and child. Only if you are a surgeon or the President. He ain't neither. I thought about me and texting. I have such a boatload of emotions around the whole cell phone thing. One of my neighbors is always outside talking on his cell. I drive by and think (he's a cheating mutha fucka). Okay, maybe the baby is sleeping and he didn't want to be loud in the house. The fact that his present wife (wife #2) is the woman he was having an affair with while he was married to wife #1 also leads me to my cheating mutha fucka conclusion, but I digress.  I've got PTSD with the cell phone shit. Okay, I've gone down a bunny trail,  but I'm circling back. Maybe Lynn has a point. If I close my eyes and really think about being in a relationship it terrifies me. I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend that freaks if a phone buzzes. I like eating Rice Krispies for dinner and watching 3 West Wing episodes in a row. I can't do that in front of a guy and get respect. Seriously, I don't think I would know how to act in a relationship. 

Same As It Ever Was

I had a Lynn appointment this afternoon. It's kinda funny--when I made it a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, "I may have to reschedule this, things are good, I don't think I'll have anything to talk about." She greeted me in the waiting room and I made my way up the stairs to her office. I sat down. She smiled and asked what I wanted to talk about. My mouth opened, words and f bombs flew. She sat there quietly listening. I covered a lot of ground in less than 5 minutes. She quietly said, "you associate this with John." I told her I didn't think I said that. This is what I did say--"cheating, lying, cheating, lying, liar, fucker, liar, fuck, liar, liar, married, what about his wife, ew, gross, pig, all men are pigs, fuck, fucking, fuckers." Okay, maybe she had a fucking point. I told her how pissed off I was at myself for putting my head in the sand. I told her I wasn't naive in thinking he wasn't celibate, but FUCKING MARRIED!? and I didn't not have a choice in deciding if I wanted to participate in his extra martial affair (the woman who started a blog about cheating!) Lynn talked about how the mind tells itself what it wants to hear. I had not had sex with anyone else in almost a year. I thought he was safe. I thought he was a decent guy. She said it was easier for me to beleive that he was married to his job vs. the reality that he was truly married. EW. She also brought up my belief that "All Men Are Pigs". I told her that I had even emailed that question to my ex (Duke--recall, he's a right WANKER). We talked about the fact that all men are not pigs and discussed examples of non-pig men. She asked me who was my ideal man--I had to say Joe DuBois. Luckily she watched Medium and knew of Joe. Ironically, Joe is a very normal guy. We really zeroed in on my fear of a "real" relationship. She also said how great it was that my gut told me something wasn't right with this guy. Okay, I was starting to not be so hard on myself and see the positives. I learned a valuable lesson--if something seems too good to be true (i.e. that SOB was safe), it probably isn't true.  

Funny, that the shit I was working on a year ago (i.e. the fear of being hurt again) is still here. Same as it ever was (envision Talking Heads guy, David Byrne doing that motion down his arm). Suppress it and it will always pop back up. Things could be much worse--I could be In Haiti or Chile or in Special Ops Bastard's mind....

Interestingly, Lynn brought up the fact that I was cynical. I call it funny...again, she had a point. She said how my humor was a coping mechanism. I told her that the "shitting fish sticks'' phrase had brought me tons of enjoyment. I think it may have eclipsed all ManGroomer™ humor. She agreed that SOB's stomach may be a bit upset this week. Back to cynicism. It is funny I wrote about sarcasm the other day.I've always been the class clown. The one that makes everyone laugh. Take that away and I am NAKED!

So, moving forward...I have reservations at Season 52 tonight (the new "in" place). We will be taking a taxi. I will start hair and makeup in about an hour. GreenLight Cards will be in my purse. I won't be ordering the fish...

Does Joe Dubois Really Exist?

Jake Weber plays Joe Dubois on the T.V. show Medium. It is one of my favorite shows. I love his character. The man is a great husband and father and that = HOT. But I ask you, does Joe Dubois really exist? I used to DVR Medium when I was married. John and I would watch it together. He liked the Joe character too. Perhaps that was who he modeled The "good" John after...who knows?

 Joe Dubois is HOT

John would cook, help with dishes, watch chick movies, rub my feet--there was just this little problem of the 29 year old Vietnamese girlfriend, daytime hotel stays and "adult" hook-up sites. I guess you can't get everything you wish for in a mate! I was talking to my friend (hmmm...let's call her Alison since she is married to Bono--recall that  Bono's wife searched for a ManGroomer™ in her home and I am pleased to say she came up empty handed!) Alison and I worked together in a past life. We were on the same team (along with Miss Brown) during the Wine and Chips for Dinner Era of 2007. Alison brought up the point that many of you have brought up. Are all men predisposed to cheating? Actually, I think she said, "are all men pigs?" Penelope disclaimer--Bono is fabulous and we are not talking about him. Alison told me the story (not an urban legend, I swear) about the local volley ball coach. Coach Bob (pigs get to keep their real name) had been having an affair with a 15 year old girl for the past several months. The community is reeling from disbelief and shock. This is a man that they trusted with their children. Ironically, John was a coach before I met him and I had found out he slept with one of his 17 year old students, but that is another blog for another day. Another friend told me last night that her good friend just found out her husband was doing the adult hook up site thing. They have 2 small children. I asked Alison if she thought the Internet brought it out. She replied that she thought it made it easier. There was a reference to "tingling in genitals", but I forgot exactly what she said. I just wanted to type tingling in genitals because it sounds funny. Seriously, can we blame all this crap on the Internet? I don't feel the need to google me up some pics of a big schlong. I understand that guys are visual. I've also heard the old excuse--men are meant to spread their seed, while women are meant to stay home and take care of the children. I don't buy it. I think the seed spreaders shouldn't get married. I will now divide men into 2 categories:

1. Seed Spreader
2. Seed Grower

with sub categories:

1. Vienna
2. Ball Park Franks (you know--they plump when you cook 'em)

I refuse to believe that all men are pigs. I do think our society has become really focused on immediate gratification (fast food, buy it now, click on link and meet women/men that want to do it now). Alison agreed. She also brought up a great point. She said she felt like she and her generation were brought up to accept certain behavior from men. The light bulb went off for me. I do think we get socialized to accept certain types of behavior as the norm. Alison told me about her 15 year old daughter and several of her friends going to a recent dance without a date. Her daughter saw it as a time to be with friends, have fun, get a cool new dress, nails and hair did--who needs a guy? I love that and I LOVE Alison for modeling that behavior for her daughter! If Alison was a cartoon she would look like this:

Alison and Bono took their kids on a SURPRISE trip to Ireland last year. They saw U2 while they were there. I feel neglected. My Mom in the Cutlass Supreme with the white landau top dropped me off at the Tangerine Bowl in Orlando to see Aerosmith when I was 14....