Out With The Old

It's that time... New Year's Resolutions. I'm not going to get all crazy. Just a few simple, attainable goals. 

Out with:

• AssClowns
• ManGroomers™
• RMFFs™
• Drinking Coke (I mean it this time)
• Eating out all the time

In With:

• Loving what I do for work
• Buying food and cooking it
• Walking Daisy TWICE a day
• A New Hair Dresser
• Trusting my Gut

Let's take about coke. Coca-Cola®. The Real Thing. On Christmas day I went with my sister to visit my niece and nephews.  We got a room at the Sheraton Four Points (I was able to bring Daisy--yes, I AM that person). My sister brought along a 12 pack of coke. She filled the ice bucket and put the 12 pack of coke on the top shelf in the armoire. My niece came over after the boys went to sleep. We were enjoying some vino. I needed to take Daisy out. I opened the armoire to grab a bag. I was assaulted  by coke cans. First, one to the right temple, then the left cheek. At first I thought I was being shot. I dropped to the floor. I kept getting hit. One to the shoulder. Cans bounced on the tile floor as coke exploded everywhere. I saw black. My niece Jackie said I muttered, "What is happening to me?" and then I realized my sister had pulled the flap off the front of the 12 pack. I then said, "Don't ever do this again." I ran towards the other side of the room as Jackie was bent over almost peeing herself as she laughed. My sister was horrified. It was so funny that I couldn't yell at her. We assessed the damage. Coke was all over the closest bed in weird bubbles. The mirror was covered as was the tile in the entryway. We grabbed towels and started cleaning. My sister and niece told me to take Daisy out while they cleaned. When I got back my niece took me over to the bed and instructed me to watch. She said in a weird Russian accent, "Co-Cola, no Co-Cola" as she wiped the beaded up bubbles of Coke. That duvet cover was made of Kryptonite. My sister googled the duvet cover on the hotel website. (You can buy one for $260 if interested...and it's 100% polyester, not Kryptonite). Let's get back to the Co-Cola. Do you know that shit ETCHED the mirror? This was a brand new hotel. It was on the mirror for only a few minutes. Think what that shit does to your teeth and gut. I think every school age kid should have to our Coke on a mirror and she what happens.

You know when you're in a hotel and you're staring at the ceiling and you see one lone brown spot? If you are like me you say, "how in the hell did that get up there?" Now you know.

Ew

I saw the out of town guy (I shall refer to him as Out of Town Liaison™). Don't think I will go down that road again. It wasn't bad. It just wasn't good either. I found that I was thinking to myself of things that bugged me. Why don't I list them?:

• He didn't shave. Anyone that knows me, knows I have the most sensitive skin in the whole world. It takes me days to recover from kissing someone that hasn't shaved.
• He told me he gets manicures. Ew. I prefer they do it and just not tell me...
• Ironically, he knows his jeans and was not sporting mid stomach high,  Dad jeans. He even commented on the ones I had on, "are those True Religion?" He told me he recently bought a $300 pair of jeans. Another Ew. Penelope don't like men that know more about fashion than she does. You're probably saying out loud, "make up your fucking mind, Penelope! You can't get past the nice guy in faded Dad jeans and now you bitch about the guy that spends 300 bucks on jeans???" I know. I'm fucked up.
• I saw that he had shaved his chest. Wasn't that way last time. Did I say EW?
• And ladies and gentleman, drumroll please...he told me that he was thinking of getting the hair on his balls lasered. Balls. Lasered. I sense that is some type of offshoot of the ManGroomer™ species.

Last Minute Christmas Shopping for that Special AssClown

Are you like me? Do you dread going to the mall and prefer shopping from the comfort of your own home? Here are some ideas for that special AssClown:

Want to remind him and his new lady just how small his penis really is? How about a case of Vienna Sausage!

What about something for the man that only cared about manscaping when he was cheating on you? I suggest the ManGroomer™. Now discounted due to so many bad reviews.

Suspect your AssClown is cheating? How about Cell Snoop as a little gifite for yourself?

ManGroomer™ Art Part Deux

ManGroomer Gothic

ManGroomer™ Art

I am going to start a series of ManGroomer art. I like to simply call this one

If he has a ManGroomer™, you've got problems

ManGroomer™ update

Do you know that now when I google Mangroomer™, this blog will come up? How funny is that? I wonder if I have eroded Mangroomer™ sales because people are trying to find reviews and instead they find rants about how it is a sign of cheating.

Mangroomer™, it is a noun and a verb.

Labels

I just looked at the labels from my posts and the leaders are Internet Dating and ManGroomer™ with Liar and Special Ops Boy tied for 2nd. 

It has been 4 months since I started blogging. I can tell you with complete honesty that I if I conjure up an image of the Artist Formerly Known as My Husband, my heart rate remains unchanged, my hands don't sweat and my stomach doesn't turn. I just tested it by thinking about when he proposed on bended knee by Terminal A at Tampa International. Nothing. I can remember the night I read his texts to Dao. It all seems so long ago and I just feel nothing towards him. I don't know if it is because I have totally purged every bit of venom I had for him by broadcasting stories of ManGrooming™ and Vienna Sausages... or is it just time. I've heard the urban legends of formulas for getting over a break-up. One of my friends told me it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over a break-up. Well, that is some bullshit. 

I saw a commercial last night for match.com that said 1 out of 5 relationships starts online. You mean to tell me that Pube Man and Miss IamsoHOT are going to end up in a relationship? Will Alakzam find the love of his life in her apron with nothing else on underneath? Well, that is also some bullshit. 

As for Liars and Special Ops Boy...I thought of him last night when I was watching my favorite chick show, Army Wives. They showed a female colonel talking to her husband and baby girl on a web cam from the Middle East. I am sure he does the same thing with his wife. He is no different that John, Tiger, Jesse James, The Original AssClown, and the liars that many of you had written to me about...I will never understand the ability to put one's own selfish needs ahead of another person. Particularly your wife and children.

I just had a revelation. I don't need to understand it. Why should I? It is not what I am about. Just like I don't understand being a meth head or a NASCAR fan (love you Ali!), why should I understand (i.e. or accept) lying and cheating?

ManGroomer™

I realized I had neglected the ManGroomer™. Is it that it is no longer funny or that I have moved past my ManGroomer™ anger. Oh that shit is still funny. I think I may have moved past my ManGroomer™ anger. 

LinkedIn to ManGroomer™

Today I was a greeted with a delightful email from LinkedIn notifying me that John had joined LinkedIn. Yippee!!! If only I could reply to the email. This is what it would look like:

Dear LinkedIn,

Thanks for letting me know that John has joined LinkedIn. Now that AssClown is going to be a "2nd Degree Connection" to me on your website. I've burned cards and letters, deleted emails, sold jewelry and had rigorous therapy sessions. He is like herpes, he just don't go away, do he? 

Love,

Penelope

The ManGroomer™ has been neglected

I just did a quick little google to see what comes up under the ManGroomer™search. I found these delights:

This is just such a horrible name for a product - The Mangroomer - I mean, really, whothinks this stuff up???

“Hey baby, want to touch my man groomer?”

I mean..just… ewww!

http://www.mangemerde.com/the-man-groomer/


EWWW Indeed says Penelope!

I was Christmas shopping online the other day, looking for an electric shaver for my 15-year old son, when I came across the Mangroomer. The “Private Body Shaver” and the “Do-It-Yourself Electric Back Shaver” are the names of two Mangroomer models. I think the name itself is really funny. Reminds me of theMansierre from the old Seinfeld days and the word “manboobs” also comes to mind. I’m not sure exactly how I feel about this thing. Is the male population becoming too metro? Do your husbands groom? Have they always groomed or is this a new thing they’re doing? 

My husband came home after visiting one of his perennially single friends last weekend and told me that he had to help his buddy shave his back! This confession alarmed me at first. I mean, it was an odd visual, two construction worker-type dudes shaving each other. Donnie and I had just watched Brokeback Mountain on TNT the week before so that whole gay cowboy theme was still burned into my mind. I know it was a harmless guy helping guy thing to do but still. *shivers* Anyhow, back to the subject, my husband said that someone needs to invent a back shaver that works like using a towel to dry your back because it is just too hard to shave your own back. Uh, ok. First of all, I can’t imagine a towel with razor blades on it. Sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. And second of all, I think if guys are going to get rid of their back hair, they should use wax or laser. The last thing I want to feel is a bare stubbly back in the middle of…you know. 

http://2funmoms.com/?p=527#more-527

I am with you 2 Fun Moms--that shit has Broke Back written all over it!

Apparently the ManGroomer™ brings up a visceral reaction not just in Penelope...

ManGroomer™ -Stupid

That's what I googled and I got back another blog. I think Jay and I need to party. I may have to email him and gently let him know he has a picture of the ManGroomer™ Private Body Shaver and not the actual, revolutionary product--The ManGroomer™.

http://absentmindedjay.blogspot.com/2009/10/mangroomer.html

Here's what Jay writes:

The head of our IT department at work forwarded an email regarding a good deal on a netbook at Fry's. It is a decent deal especially for an 11.6" screen, 250GB HD, and 2GB RAM.

Anyway, while at Frys.com I decided to see what their weekly specials were and I came across this little gem (see pic). It's called the Mangroomer ( at Fry's, at Amazon). It's weird how it's advertised so blatantly as a "man groomer" and how the picture on the front of the case shows where to use it.

For more enjoyment, read some of the reviews on Amazon. Some of those guys who have purchased and used are hilarious.

The Mangroomer! Don't delay, get yours today!


I decided to write Jay--here's what I wrote:


Hi Jay. I write a blog and the ManGroomer™ has played a big part in it. Tonight I Googled: ManGroomer-stupid and a link to your blog came up. I feel I need to let you know that I made a reference to your post on my blog (this is your intellectual property after all!)

Here is the link to my post-

http://nobodyputsbabyinthecorner-penelope.blogspot.com/2010/01/mangroomer-stupid.html

To understand my history with the ManGroomer™, you kind of need to start at the beginning. It’s a lot of stuff to read though. Here’s the Reader’s Digest. My ex husband cheated on me. He had a ManGroomer™.

ManGroomer™, it’s a noun and a verb.

Happy Blogging,
XXX (aka Penelope)

Sex Addiction Part Deux

On the show I watched this morning they interviewed Susan Cheever. She has written a book on sex addiction. I bought it today and I have almost finished it. It is hard to put down. It must be like reading my wacky blog (several strangers have written and asked me to write more because they can't stop reading--makes me laugh. People, this is my LIFE!) I was going to write a synopsis on the book, but I found a good one online-

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/16/books/review/Cain-t.html

I think I bored my poor sister to tears talking about it at dinner tonight. The review above says the author brings up more questions than answers (I agree). The big one is what differentiates an addict from an abuser. Sulie and I talked about alcoholism. We are big on walking or taking cabs when we drink away from home. I told her I thought someone with a DUI is most likely an alcoholic. She gently told me that I was mostly likely over the legal limit the other night when I left Ciccio and Tony's after a glass and a half of wine. Touché little Sulie. I said "But I had dinner and that is not that much." The reason I made my sweeping DUI judgment was John (but of course, you knew that already). One night early in the marriage, John came home drunk from the golf course. He had his go cup in hand. I was PISSED. Penelope enjoys a beverage from time to time, but the drinking and driving thing drives me nuts. Short story long, I exploded, he denied it, he reeked of bourbon and the go cup said it all, he left in a huff. Annie called to ask him something about the boys. I told her what happened. She let it "slip" that John had gotten a DUI a few years before. In the typical, good ole boy ways of Louisiana, his good friend the DA (district attorney) was able to get him out of it. Luckily (sarcasm intended), John had the foresight to pass out and crash into a pole in his college buddy's parish instead of Lafayette Parish. I've lost count of red flags--let's call this Red Flag number 256. Of course, John had never told me that and to make matters worse, Annie begged me not to tell him I knew. Annie was the one that bailed him out of jail! I paced, I called his cell (it was off) and an hour later he came home. He apologized, he told me he wouldn't do it again and he knew I was mad because I loved him. I held the DUI info in for a long time. I don't recall the exact time I dropped the bomb that I knew. He was furious at Annie for telling me (not mad at himself for being a bold faced liar).

I just reread that and said out loud, "GIRL, why didn't you see all this?" I am telling you he was smooth. Clean cut, polite, said all the right things--A salesman!

My friend JCH wrote a comment about me saying that I wanted to run when John told me about his dysfunctional childhood. I think we all have varying degrees of dysfunction. It is what you do to move past it and how you operate in your relationships that matters. I'm still not sure if I understand why one person that has suffered as a child grows and thrives emotionally, while another one tries to numb the pain with drugs, food, alcohol or sex.

This shit is too heavy. I'm going to Google some ManGroomer™ humor...

Sleeping Together

Sulie sent me an email last night--The subject line was Doing it in your 40s. It simply read:

you are putting a lot out there….but I am laughing,

I noticed she had a comma at the end like she was going to say more. I called and asked her if I should take it down. I reasoned that referencing the Barbara Bush is WAY less personal than the other things I've written. Besides, I've got the safety of the Penelope name and cartoon picture, right? She said no to taking it down and the fact that it made her laugh was almost like a litmus test for appropriate vs. inappropriate. I emailed Special Ops Boy last night. He told me once that he went a year without having sex during the divorce. That was the subject of my email last night. I had gathered in our various conversations that he was pretty devastated by his ex wife. It would come up now and then. I recall one quote where he said, "she took out my heart, threw it on the ground and stomped on it." Pretty vivid. He was married to her for 16 years. He told me he never strayed (and I believe that). They grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania and got married really young. She cheated on him while he was deployed somewhere faraway, hot and yucky.  I had sent him a link to the blog a while ago. In his reply today, he said that he had read the blog a bit. He also wrote something really nice--essentially that I had nothing to do with all the events. It was John's deal. I had never told him the gruesome details of John. I kept it to the top line info only--he cheated, she is Vietnamese, I have Asian issues...I never thought I would be with anyone other than John. That is why I was such a wreck when it came down to doing it with Special Ops Boy. I asked him to show me his military I.D. I had a taser in my bedroom. I can see it now--"Hold on a minute, could you please stop strangling me so I can reach down and get my taser? Thanks". Sidebar--About a year ago, Birch told me that my approval rating had gone up in his eyes since I had a taser at my bedside and I was doing it with a killer (the killer part was Birch's own assumption--Special Ops Boy is in intelligence and we don't talk about that stuff.) I just had a revelation. Special Ops Boy (SOB now), was safe. He was hurt. I was hurt. He was clear that he did not want more than what we did. I had so much distrust in all men. There was no way I could have started any type of "relationship" back then and that was not what either one of us were looking for. I couldn't imagine lying down, closing my eyes and falling asleep next to anyone ever again. Off and on for the first year after I left Louisiana I would have flashes of my view from my bed in Louisiana. If I was on my right side I could see a bit of street light from the street. If I was on my left side I would have the ManGroomer next to me and if the moon was full I would see the light through the blinds. It would freak me out to have flashes of those memories when I was alone and in my own bed in Tampa. The first time I actually spent the night with a boy was hard. I couldn't fall asleep for the first hour and when I finally did go to sleep, I would wake up and toss and turn. Spencer would comment on how I would always want to leave to go back to my place. There is something about "sleeping" next to someone that is very personal. Oh I'll do it with you--I just don't want to close my eyes next to you!

I just remembered something. When John and I went on our first trip together I could not sleep. He got really upset. He said he would wake up and see my eyes open. Maybe I knew?  I think back to all the boys in the past. That can be my Red-Flag-O-Meter. If I can fall asleep it is ok. 

I feel that Special Ops Boy needs to be made into a cartoon. If he was a cartoon, he would look like this:

Well, not really because he is much higher up in the Navy than the Dixie Cup on the head stage, but I like the symbolism of no facial features. 

ManGroomer™ on Tyra®

Penelope is tired and she is going to let the Tyra show do the talking. I figured it was time for some ManGroomer humor. I googled crazy ManGroomer™ and this is what I got. Some rules I live by:

• Never date a man that wears nicer earrings than you do in both ears
• Never date a man that grooms more than you
• Never date a man that uses more hair care products or eye liner than you
• Never date a man that goes on Tyra
• Never date a man that can not throw you over his shoulder and carry you out of a burning building

Fast forward to about 3:24 to see this tool whip out the ManGroomer™ like a switchblade!

Live and Let Manscape

I just read the comment that someone wrote about manscaping.  They started with, "I am all for live and let live." It reminded me of the Paul McCartney song, Live and Let Die. I just whipped up some new lyrics. Thank goodness I had it in itunes. I just field tested it. When you sing the verse that contains Mangroomer™, stretch it out so it fits. My apologies to Paul®.

When you were young and your back wasn’t so hairy

You used to say let my wife shave

(you know you did, you know you did you know you did)

But in this ever cheating world in which you live in

Makes you give in and buy

The Mangroomer™

And Penelope goes bye

And Penelope goes bye

And Penelope goes bye

What does it matter to ya

When you got and Asian to do

You gotta do her well

You’re both gonna go to hell

When you were young and your back wasn’t so hairy

You used to say let my wife shave

(you know you did, you know you did you know you did)

But in this ever cheating world in which you live in

Makes you give in and buy

The Mangroomer™

And Penelope goes bye

ManGroomer™ Private Body Shaver

I alluded to it a few days ago.  Presenting the MG™ Private Body Shaver. I must admit a big mistake to all my Dear Readers.  I just noticed the MG does not have a ™. It has a ®. Shit.  I feel like a fraud. I really like the ™ better than the ®. How could I have missed such a basic thing? Back to shaving pubes---look at all the possibilities!:

Matt Damon does not need the Mangroomer™

For the 2 people in the free world that have never seen this before...

Time For More Mangroomer™

I can't sleep and when Penelope can't sleep she reads on the computer.  News, Facebook, emails...but wait, let's see if there is more Mangroomer™ info. OMG there are FAQs on the website.  Here is my personal favorite:

How long does it take to shave my back with the MANGROOMER Electric Back Hair Shaver?

The length of time will depend on how much hair you have and its thickness. The MANGROOMER Electric Back Hair Shaver’s large 1 ½ inch blade covers a large surface area, while still remaining small enough to easily maneuver within different / difficult angles of the back.

Friends, I've have also just learned that the makers of the Mangroomer™ also make a private body shaver!  That is a post for another day.  For now, let me tease you with this quote from a customer review on Amazon: Blades are not smart to use in the "private" areas like they say in their ads...

Laughing at pain

I went to lunch today with 2 friends from college. One told me that she felt bad for laughing at some of things I wrote about (because it was all so gruesome). I told her laughing is fine. That is the point. 2 years ago I thought I would never recover. There were days I could barely lift my head from the pillow (envision Carrie after Big leaves her at altar. In Mexico, staying in bed all day--I totally got that). The Penelope from October of 2007 doesn't exist. She is gone. I am here and now. All that stuff is the past. I used to toss and turn and relive that night and wonder why?why? why? It's all gone. I used to be an oncology nurse. I was so intrigued how many of the breast cancer patients would tell me about really dysfunctional marriages, cheating husbands and physical abuse. I think all the hurt came out in a physical manifestation. I am not blaming the patients. I am making the point that the mind is an amazing thing!

I truly believe I had a choice. I could stay stuck in 2007 and keep tying to "hurry up, go back and fix it" like my therapist says. We've all been there--you replay a fight in your head. The heart rate goes up, the chest tightens, the fists clench. Think what is happening at a cellular level in your body.

So, moral to the story... Don't feel bad if you laugh out loud at my stories. I want you to laugh and to know that we can all move past ManGroomer™ and Vienna Sausages.

“Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature."

More ManGroomer™

I shit you not

http://www.myspace.com/mangroomer