Same As It Ever Was

I had a Lynn appointment this afternoon. It's kinda funny--when I made it a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, "I may have to reschedule this, things are good, I don't think I'll have anything to talk about." She greeted me in the waiting room and I made my way up the stairs to her office. I sat down. She smiled and asked what I wanted to talk about. My mouth opened, words and f bombs flew. She sat there quietly listening. I covered a lot of ground in less than 5 minutes. She quietly said, "you associate this with John." I told her I didn't think I said that. This is what I did say--"cheating, lying, cheating, lying, liar, fucker, liar, fuck, liar, liar, married, what about his wife, ew, gross, pig, all men are pigs, fuck, fucking, fuckers." Okay, maybe she had a fucking point. I told her how pissed off I was at myself for putting my head in the sand. I told her I wasn't naive in thinking he wasn't celibate, but FUCKING MARRIED!? and I didn't not have a choice in deciding if I wanted to participate in his extra martial affair (the woman who started a blog about cheating!) Lynn talked about how the mind tells itself what it wants to hear. I had not had sex with anyone else in almost a year. I thought he was safe. I thought he was a decent guy. She said it was easier for me to beleive that he was married to his job vs. the reality that he was truly married. EW. She also brought up my belief that "All Men Are Pigs". I told her that I had even emailed that question to my ex (Duke--recall, he's a right WANKER). We talked about the fact that all men are not pigs and discussed examples of non-pig men. She asked me who was my ideal man--I had to say Joe DuBois. Luckily she watched Medium and knew of Joe. Ironically, Joe is a very normal guy. We really zeroed in on my fear of a "real" relationship. She also said how great it was that my gut told me something wasn't right with this guy. Okay, I was starting to not be so hard on myself and see the positives. I learned a valuable lesson--if something seems too good to be true (i.e. that SOB was safe), it probably isn't true.  

Funny, that the shit I was working on a year ago (i.e. the fear of being hurt again) is still here. Same as it ever was (envision Talking Heads guy, David Byrne doing that motion down his arm). Suppress it and it will always pop back up. Things could be much worse--I could be In Haiti or Chile or in Special Ops Bastard's mind....

Interestingly, Lynn brought up the fact that I was cynical. I call it funny...again, she had a point. She said how my humor was a coping mechanism. I told her that the "shitting fish sticks'' phrase had brought me tons of enjoyment. I think it may have eclipsed all ManGroomer™ humor. She agreed that SOB's stomach may be a bit upset this week. Back to cynicism. It is funny I wrote about sarcasm the other day.I've always been the class clown. The one that makes everyone laugh. Take that away and I am NAKED!

So, moving forward...I have reservations at Season 52 tonight (the new "in" place). We will be taking a taxi. I will start hair and makeup in about an hour. GreenLight Cards will be in my purse. I won't be ordering the fish...

What Would James Bond Do?

This guy KILLS me!  I could listen to him all day. He is sarcastic which is funny...

I LOVE the INTERNET!!!

All I did was go to my friend Google...hate the still shot but it will get my pig guy friends to look at it.

I-10 heading West

So, I was heading west on Interstate 10 to Lafayette. I had just left the "camp". John was snoring thanks to the bottle of wine he drank at dinner. I had just gotten over pneumonia (too much work and travel) and the thought of drinking wine made me nauseous. I called my sister. She wasn't answering. She must have been out with friends. I called John's ex wife. Let's call her Annie. She was wonderful. She called him a "son of a bitch" with her lovely Baton Rouge accent. First reference to Red Flags--there will be many in this blog. John had cheated on Annie, mother of his 3 boys when they were all in diapers or pull-ups. I know what you're thinking. Why would I think a man that cheated on the mother of his 3 toddlers would be a decent husband? I know, I know. I thought he had matured, it was different, blah, blah, blah.

Back to my 2 hour drive (shortened to 1.5 hours thanks to hysterical driving) back to Lafayette. Notice I don't refer to Lafayette as "home"? It never was home. That needs some explaining...

Flash back to early 2005. We had dated long distance. I lived in Tampa and he lived in the armpit of the United States. We decided I would move to Louisiana because he had 50% custody of his 3 boys. The older one was in 9th grade and the twins were in 7th grade. I was getting married and becoming a step mother in one step! I visited. We planned. We looked for houses. We decided on a new house in a development on the edge of town. You can buy a lot of house for a little money in Louisiana. It was fabulous. A huge kitchen, a kick ass master bath. The boys would have their own area upstairs. We would have privacy. It was going to be great! I talked to John about being a step parent. I bought books on step parenting. I talked with my friends about what to expect from 3 teenage boys.

I put my house up for sale. My lovely bungalow with the porch swing. I remember the day the previous owners accepted my offer back in 2003. I was ecstatic. It had a porch swing, hardwood floors and a pool. It was my dream home. A bidding war started the day I put my dream house up for sale. I settled on an offer that was a lot more than I had paid. It was so easy. This had to mean that marrying John was my destiny, right?