A walk down junk memory lane

I am thinking I could write a book on being a step parent. Writing this stuff has brought up some things I hadn't thought of in a while. Moving on to "The Camp". There was  a "camp crowd". Most were couples that had been friends with John since college. That also means they knew Annie and had attended weddings, baptisms, and holiday celebrations for 15-20 years. All born and raised in either Baton Rouge or New Orleans. Enter me...born and raised in Florida. Never had a "boil" or ate crawfish. I sounded like a "Midwest Newscaster" according to a Cajun oil rig worker I sat next to on a plane one morning...

• Dan and Maria: Dan worked with us. I still can't decide if he is a good guy or an ass. He was the only one from the group that checked up me after I moved to Florida. My friend Debra made the astute comment--Dan is the longest relationship John has ever had. Maria never tried to get to know me. I did not have biological children so I had no value. She would talk down to me. She would come in the kitchen and show me how to cut tomatoes. She bored me to tears. Dan used to out the moves on women at work meetings. I am fairly certain he is cut from the same cheetah print cloth that John is cut from.
• Mick and Laura: Mick liked me. He did call me while I was still in Louisiana and told me how sorry he was. Laura called me and cried. Still they were the people that stuck with John when he cheated on Annie. They never checked on me again. Laura is buds with Maria. Their conversations made me want to scream. I used to feel like I was gasping for air.
• Todd and Natalie: Todd is the DA for Springfield Parish. A local celebrity of sorts. He is a decent guy. One day we were all out at the pool. I got up to go to the bathroom, Natalie said, "Penelope, bring me a diet coke when you come back." Yessa Massa. WTF? I had fantasies of wearing a maid's uniform when they would come out. Maybe I should have just peed in the pool.

I can't tell you how many times I heard references to the fun times they had with Annie. One day in the pool Laura admitted to me that they were all skeptical of me because I was "another one of John's women." She then told me she saw how the boys loved me and realized I was "different than the others." Gee, thanks.

We would go out there almost every weekend. This meant feeding and entertaining. (Translation, Penelope going to grocery and paying. Penelope making food with my new "friends" sitting at the bar stools critiquing. John making daiquiris and being Mr. Party). Oh my...I have forgotten how bad it sucked. At least they would clean up. I used to beg John to have a quiet weekend. His reply, Baby, these are our friends..." I learned how to host a boil and I can eat crawfish like I was born on the bayou. It is a barbaric affair where newspapers are laid out on the patio table and potatoes, corn and crawfish are poured out. Everyone stands and eats. Have you ever gnawed on a potato while standing? There would be serious discussions on the price of a bushel of crawfish. Were they better at the boil at Alan's last week or at Bobby's the week before? I would want to impale myself on a rusty fork! In retrospect I think it must look like a creepy scene from Lord Of the Flies...

Oh, but this is not the theme of this post. Annie would have weekends at the camp. It was while we weren't out there BUT...She would bring her friends. It was creepy weird. There's our bathroom with my stuff under the sink (hairdryer, tampons, makeup, etc) , the master bedroom with my clothes in the closet and dresser...our bed. YUCK! I told John I felt like it was not respecting the boundaries of our marriage. I felt like it blurred things for the boys. It took a while and John finally  agreed. He had to tell her that things had changed. I never asked how the conversation went. All I wanted was to not feel like a visitor in my own life!

Have you ever looked back at a chapter in your life and wondered how you kept from screaming?

Oprah, Cialis and Pictures--Oh My!

I tape Oprah every day. I am watching one tonight on women who were betrayed by their spouses. Many of you have written to me about how reading the posts have helped you as you deal with the realization that your spouse or partner has cheated. The stories on this particular episode make John look like a saint. One woman just made a point that really resonated with me. She said she felt like the betrayal cancelled out all the happy memories. I totally relate to that. I remember sitting down at John's lap top and hitting "select all" and deleting all the pictures of us together. He was so angry. He sent me numerous emails telling me that I had "taken away all his memories." I responded, "you took away my trust, my self esteem and most importantly my family." He never got it and he never will. He was focused on pictures that showed what concerts he attended, where he traveled, and the parties we had. It was all a lie. Oooh...Oprah just said, "Red Flag!" She wanted to know if the betrayed woman saw the red flags. I just remembered another one. It is embarrassing to admit, but I get to hide behind the name Penelope and a cartoon. One weekend I was visiting John. I went to Lafayette. Usually we stayed in New Orleans or we went to the camp. I can remember it vividly. I was in the master bath. I sat down to pee and I glanced down at the trash. On top of the crumpled trash was an empty prescription bottle. We were planning to get married. I knew John didn't take any prescription meds. I leaned over and read the label-Cialis (in the same class as Viagra--to make the winkie hard). I grabbed the bottle. It had John's name on it and a date less than a month prior. It was for 5 pills and was written by his friend Marc, an ER physician. I was still sitting. My heart raced. John never had issues in the erection department. This was weird. My hands started to sweat. This was after the LSU game incident. Things had been going really well. He knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay. Wait, let me make it real--, "Baby, you okay in there?" I flung the bottle back in the trash, washed and headed out. He was all smiles and asking me if I was ready to go to dinner. This was the trip where we went house hunting in anticipation of my move to Lafayette. This really worried me. We went to the restaurant and I told John I needed to talk to him. I told him what I found and told him I was confused. He was so smooth. "Baby, I got them to use with you. I've moved them into my travel kit." I wasn't satisfied.  I pressed on. I asked why? Had he taken any? There were never issues. He laughed and said his friend Marc said it made things "fun". He turned on the charm. He had this way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the room. I suppressed my worries. It was always in the back of my mind. I'm all over the place, but I know you guys are tracking with me. Back to the subject of betrayal making you feel like all the good times were cancelled out. I had tons of pictures on my lap top. I remember having the courage to open them up after I moved to Tampa. With my glass of wine as reinforcement I clicked on my iphoto. My stomach turned as I looked at our wedding in Jamaica, trips to Las Vegas, Chicago, Seattle, Asheville, D.C., Philadelphia, South Beach, Destin, Mexico, videos of the boys wake boarding, John singing me songs, me dancing...it was all too much. Select all, delete, sip wine, empty trash in photo program, gulp wine, heart racing, stomach churning, turn off lap top. Open bag of tortilla chips. Insert chip after chip into mouth. Drink more wine. I felt like 4 years of my life had been erased. Overnight, I had gone from being a wife, a step Mom and having a "family", to being single and looking for a place to live. Sidebar--when I say "family" I mean the day to day unit I had with John and the boys. Sulie is my family. Oprah just laid a little Maya Angelou down, "People always show you who they are. They will show you over and over again." For example, John is a liar. He lied about his previous 2 marriages to Annie. He lied about why the marriages ended. John is a cheater. He cheated on Annie and I can't tell you how many other stories I heard after I left. He showed me who he was. I chose not to see. Not being hard on myself. Just an observation. Penelope is a work in process. I still have a hard time trusting that the good times were truly "good" times. I talked to Annie about this at length. She had a different perspective because of her boys. she said she had to remember them fondly because of her sons. The more I think about it, I don't know if I even need to put the memories in a "good" box or a "bad" box. I just remembered--I don't save boxes!

I would love to hear what you think on this--comment below or you can send me a personal email by clicking my picture on the left.  XOXO Penelope

I-10 heading West

So, I was heading west on Interstate 10 to Lafayette. I had just left the "camp". John was snoring thanks to the bottle of wine he drank at dinner. I had just gotten over pneumonia (too much work and travel) and the thought of drinking wine made me nauseous. I called my sister. She wasn't answering. She must have been out with friends. I called John's ex wife. Let's call her Annie. She was wonderful. She called him a "son of a bitch" with her lovely Baton Rouge accent. First reference to Red Flags--there will be many in this blog. John had cheated on Annie, mother of his 3 boys when they were all in diapers or pull-ups. I know what you're thinking. Why would I think a man that cheated on the mother of his 3 toddlers would be a decent husband? I know, I know. I thought he had matured, it was different, blah, blah, blah.

Back to my 2 hour drive (shortened to 1.5 hours thanks to hysterical driving) back to Lafayette. Notice I don't refer to Lafayette as "home"? It never was home. That needs some explaining...

Flash back to early 2005. We had dated long distance. I lived in Tampa and he lived in the armpit of the United States. We decided I would move to Louisiana because he had 50% custody of his 3 boys. The older one was in 9th grade and the twins were in 7th grade. I was getting married and becoming a step mother in one step! I visited. We planned. We looked for houses. We decided on a new house in a development on the edge of town. You can buy a lot of house for a little money in Louisiana. It was fabulous. A huge kitchen, a kick ass master bath. The boys would have their own area upstairs. We would have privacy. It was going to be great! I talked to John about being a step parent. I bought books on step parenting. I talked with my friends about what to expect from 3 teenage boys.

I put my house up for sale. My lovely bungalow with the porch swing. I remember the day the previous owners accepted my offer back in 2003. I was ecstatic. It had a porch swing, hardwood floors and a pool. It was my dream home. A bidding war started the day I put my dream house up for sale. I settled on an offer that was a lot more than I had paid. It was so easy. This had to mean that marrying John was my destiny, right?

Louisiana Glossary

I realize before I go on--I must put together a glossary of terms. Some are self-explanantory. Others are indigenous to Louisiana alone.

Camp-A kind of man cave. Can range from a dilapidated trailer to a luxury 3 story house on stilts. The camp I reference is a modest house with a pool and 2 separate bungalows. It is on a canal off the Tickfaw River. It sounds really nice but remember--we are talking about LOUISIANA!

Go Cup-The paper cup you ask to pour your alcoholic beverage in before you get behind the wheel and drive. Example: "Sugar, can I get a go cup to put my Crown and Ginger in?"

Drive Thru Daiquiri-Just like it sounds. And yes, you can get a daiquiri from a drive through in Louisiana. There is no liability because they tape the top closed and the straw is wrapped.

AFF- Adult Friend Finder. A website where one goes to find other "adults" to be friends with. Not to be confused with MILF Finders.com....