Trusting Your Gut

I had an appointment with Lynn last week. As you recall, she said I may have been quick to judge when it came to Dad Jeans (aka Cop Friend). I'm telling her the story about the Old Spice guy. She listened as I told her about the cheesey quote, "I'm saving my appetite for you." Then I tell her about the no shirt picture with, "To stimulate your thought" under it. She commented that I was so quick to make a decision to cancel. I said I felt like it was inappropriate and a red flag. We stared at each other. I said, "wanna see the picture?" She said yes...

Envision me leaning over with the skank picture pulled up on my phone. I hand her the phone. She puts it up to her face and looks. Without missing a beat, she leans to me and hands the phone back immediately and said, "you made the right decision."

I am telling you. I swore I would trust my gut from now on. I know I am not being too picky. His shit was crazy.

The Universe, The Cool Factor™ and Puppet Strings

The other day when I was at my shrink appointment I was describing to Lynn how when I met Cop Friend that I was focused on the faded Dad jeans and the bad hair. I told her I kept thinking to myself, "I'm an asshole." I thought that because I knew I was being shallow, therefore, an ASSHOLE. She made a comment on how "abusive" I was to myself. That was like a pimp slap compared to some of the stuff I think to myself! I'm not sure that we addressed a more positive way for me to handle the thoughts. Next appointment. I have been through enough therapy to take a stab. Here goes:

• Gentleman walks in. I observe Dad jeans that go up to mid belly. I think to self, "my, those jeans are unfortunate. I believe they are what the kids refer to as Dad jeans. I bet he hasn't had a woman to help him choose current clothing in a while. Hmmm...I am noticing I am judging him on superficial things. Perhaps I should give him a chance and look past the faded, Erkel looking jeans."

I told Lynn I knew I was putting out a not interested vibe. She has issue with any references to the "The Universe". She wants to know what The Universe looks like and wonders if there is someone in the sky with puppet strings making people do things.

We talked about what my expectations are for the guys that I would be interested in. She asked me for an age range--I said my age (45) to 55. She then said let's talk about what those guys look like. She started at the head and went down. She said they may have thinning hair, may be gray, a pooch...you get the picture. It was fairly depressing. She said they may have been married for years and have no idea about fashion. They may have on sucky shoes. I replied "I'm 45 and I'm not like that." She said I was focusing on the "Cool Factor." Oy.

I left feeling kinda dejected. I decided to call Cop Friend. In retrospect ,I think it was like a dating Hail Mary. I had gotten the harsh feedback that I could be in relationship if I really wanted one and that I was looking for the cool factor. I didn't like hearing that. Because. It. Was. True. 

I left Cop Friend a nicetomeetyouhappyholidayscallmeifyouwannagettogether voicemail. There! 
I could check that off my list:

• Make effort with dating. CHECK.

It was a couple of days before Christmas. I did not hear back. I didn't care one way or the other. Polly told me she wondered if it was because I didn't immediately find a pen and paper to give him my number when he asked. She wondered if he left feeling bad because he didn't leave with my number. She is very analytical and wants everyone to be happy (which is why she is my friend). I told her, "I'm not going to feel bad about this!" As the days have gone on, I have convinced myself that I was callous with a fragile man...(Sounds like a Fiona Apple song, except I think she says "Careless with a delicate man") then I woke up. That is bullshit. I firmly believe in the written word of the sacred text, He's Just Not That Into You, and I quote:

"if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen, no matter what."

I could analyze and feel bad and analyze some more. In the end, I wasn't attracted to him. Ironically, Polly had asked Cop what Cop Friend said after we met that night. Cop told Polly he said "perfect." She talked to Cop yesterday and said, "did you know Penelope left Cop Friend a vm?" He told her that Cop Friend was having a hard time with the holidays--(his ex was in town) and that he realized he was not ready to start dating. Okay, I could be like my old wacky self and make that about me and berate myself for not digging him and writing my number down OR I could be self actualized and realize that is his stuff and silently wish him well.

I wish Cop Friend well.

Law and Dating Update

I met my friend for breakfast. She said she asked Cop if Cop Friend was going to call me. Cop said they hadn't talked about it. She asked me what I thought or if I was upset. I am not waiting to hear from him. Lawd knows I've been putting the pleasedon'tcallme vibe out into the Universe. It made me think about what it is I really want. Cop Friend is on one end of the spectrum and Out of Town Liaison™ is on the other end. The big joke is on me, because I am shallow and focus on Cop Friend not looking the way I want and then Out of Town Liaison™ looks the way I want, but I would prefer that he not open his mouth.

I had made a list of all the things I want in a man a few months ago. I wrote it on a colored piece of paper and hid it under my lap top on my desk. I am sure my cleaning guy sees it every time he dusts. He is gay. He probably laughs (and agrees) when he reads, 6'-6'5", nice body, good proportions and in really small, sloppy writing: "nice big one." I do have mostly things that have to do with the inside and who the guy really is. I figured if I was making a wish list, I needed to be specific. It is like Christmas time when you are little. I didn't write "microscope" on my list for Santa.  I wrote the brand name, model number and the page it was on in the Sears catalog.

I just reread what I wrote. I used the word "want" several times. Maybe I should adjust to "need"...

Law and Dating Part Thrice

Previously on Law and Dating

Friend had gotten Cop Friend to tell very personal story about his oldest daughter. We were speechless while shoveling chili in our mouths.

Thursday night 2030 Hours

I sensed that Cop Friend was a bit uneasy telling such a personal story. The conversation switched to questioning suspects and how to tell if someone is lying. Friend's son came home and we chatted with him a bit. We ate some fabulous apple pie that Friend made. Cop said he needed to get back out to work. Cop Friend said he would also need to get going. He had to get up at 0400 for work. Friend walked into the kitchen and left me alone. I walked Cop Friend to the door and said the typical nice to meet you stuff. He hugged me goodbye and asked for my number. I told him that Cop would get it to him (I had no pen and paper and it was freezing at the doorstep). We said our goodbyes.  

Thursday night 2130 Hours

Friend and I sat in her living room debriefing. We discussed the getting his baby daughter story. She asked what I thought of him. I told her how touched I was by the story and he was super nice. I said I was embarrassed to say that I wasn't attracted to him.  The super tall, thin thing is not my type. Throw in weird light blue Dad jeans and I'm kinda done. She asked why I gave him my number. We discussed the insane pattern of me (and ~98% of all women) being attracted to the not so nice guys. Friend astutely pointed out that the guys that were the opposite of Cop Friend weren't really working out for me. I had to agree.

Law and Dating Part Deux

Previously on Law and Dating:
Penelope agrees to meet Cop's friend over a casual bowl of chili at Friend's house. We left off with footsteps coming up the walk.

Thursday 1915

It was just Cop. No cop friend yet. He was coming in his own car. Cop Friend arrives 2 minutes later. He walks in and we shake hands. He is probably 6'2 or 6'3". The first thing I notice is very faded Dad jeans. Oh my GOD--am I really this shallow? What the hell is wrong with me? I date/do men with fashion sense and they are all (and I emphasize ALL) frickin liars. Cop is on his break so we head to the table after some initial chit chat. I guzzle my beer. My friend begins to pummel Cop's Friend with questions. Kids, marriage, life. Cop laughs and comments that friend should be a cop. Cop's Friend tells us about his daughters--19, 23 and 26. Friend says, "you must have started young!" He replies that he did and he just turned 50 (we had gotten some bad intel on his age description from Cop). He explains that he was married 24 years. It comes up that the 26 year old was from a first marriage. He said he was young and his first wife was in trouble (pregnant and later some type of addiction issues). The marriage ended and he got custody in Kentucky. The ex moved to Illinois with the baby and would not let him see her. He tried to reason with his ex and her parents. He had rights and they would not listen. He told us the story that he and his Father drove to Illinois. He had a key to the ex's parents' home. His Dad had the car on the hard road. He had to walk down a long drive. He turned the key and opened the door. He forgot about the 2 little dogs. Miraculously, they did not bark. He walked to the baby's room. She was not in her crib. He crept down the hall to his ex's room. The baby was in bed with her. He picked up the baby and the ex never woke. He slipped out of the house and started to run. His daughter woke up and never cried. He said she just stared at him. He described her looking at him in the eyes as she bounced up and down while he ran to the car. I was speechless. They got past the state line and got the baby home safely. His phone was ringing as he walked in the door. It was his ex's Dad. In the end, he raised the little girl. Her mother (note lower case) only made an effort to see her 2 times in the last 25 years. I listen to this story and I feel really bad for focusing on his bad jeans.

To Be Continued...

Law and Dating

Ever watch Law and Order? Imagine this post is written like an episode of the show. After each paragraph hear the noise they use in your head. In case you are not familiar...

On the local police department there are men planning a blind date. These are their stories...

Wednesday afternoon Dec. 1

One of my friends is dating a cop. Last week he asked her if she had any single friends. Apparently one of his co-workers is ready to date after being divorced for a couple of years. She is very creative and put together an email describing 4 of her single friends (no pictures).

Wednesday evening

You guessed it--I was included in the email. Friend and Cop began to plot. Cop decided to narrow it down to the 2 of us that did not have children (blog for another day). It was then narrowed down to me (based on other non-disclosed variables).

Thursday a.m.


Friend calls me to see if I am interested. She tells me he is late 40's, has 3 adult daughters and was married 26 years. His wife left him for another man. Friend says, "I think you guys have the same battle scars." I listen and notice that I am fairly unenthused. I think about out of town liaison guy that will be visiting soon...again, unenthused. It scared me. Do I not care about boys anymore? Have I talked myself out of the whole man/woman thing? I say, "I hope I don't sound shallow, but I would like to have an idea of what he looks like."

Thursday afternoon

Friend forwards me Cop's iphone contact picture for his friend. It is small and hard to see. I realize the Cop never asked for a picture of me. I decide I am being a dick. I told friend that yes I would meet Cop's Friend.

Weekend of Dec. 4 and 5

More strategizing. Friend asks me if I wanted to meet him alone, go to her house, have a "chance" meeting while we are out---there were several scenarios proposed. It was decided we would get together at her house for dinner. As you know, I was at my national bullshit meeting this week. I didn't think about it much until the day came.

Mid-day Thursday Dec. 9


Friend texts me about "date". I find that I am not looking forward to it. Not in a dreading way--in a I could just stay home and eat Clementine oranges while watching The West Wing disc I just got from Netflix.

Thursday Evening


I get to friend's house at 1845. Cop and Cop Friend are due to arrive at 1900 hours. She tells me that Cop told her that he met his friend at Panera earlier today. Apparently Cop Friend was nervous. I find that to be cute. Friend asks if I am nervous as she hands me a beer. We sit on the sofa and talk while we wait. I see a white cop car glide in front of the house (cop was on duty and this was his dinner break). Cop Friend was off duty. My hands began to sweat as I heard the footsteps approach...

To Be Continued...