Yet another use for a Ziplock bag

I went to a party today that had a woman reading tarot cards. I had never done that before. I had my palm read on South Beach a few year ago, but never tarot cards. My friend had the tarot card reader set up in a back room. We took terms going back for a 15 minute reading. I walked into the room with a smile. I had no idea what to expect. She asked me what question I had for her. I was unprepared because I didn't know I was supposed to come with a question. I laughed and said, "I bet it's the same question most people ask you--what is going to happen with my love life?" She laughed and had me shuffle the deck. I can't remember the whole order, but there was a main theme. At first she said, "are you in a relationship now?" I said no. She frowned and asked, "did one end recently?" I told her no and that I had been divorced for a couple of years, but the financial part drug out. She said, "Ohhhh...now I see." She commented how busy and productive I am and that I am happy and I have a good life, but no man (thanks...tell me something I don't know). She said she felt a strong theme of frustration around dating. I laughed and gave her the Reader's Digest version of AssClowns and match.com. She transformed before my eyes. She went from Tarot Card Reader to Sister Friend. Her shoulders slumped and her voiced changed. She said, "men are just looking to get laid on match. It is a good thing that you cancelled." Then she went back to Tarot Card Reader. Shoulders back, false eyelashes fluttering, and cards flying. Then she looked directly at me and asked, "is there a man from your past that has come back into your life?" I said no. She said there is one. I told her that there was an on/off/on/off/on/off (I lost count of the ons and offs) guy (that would be Dillhole on here). She said he was coming back into my life and this is a red flag (RED FLAG--her exact quote). She said he was bad news and to stay away. She then told me to put his name on a piece of paper, put it in a ziplock bag and put it in my freezer. She said that would block him! I promised I would do just that. She went on to some new cards. She flipped one that had a crow (I think) and she muttered, "oh no..." I said, "don't say that!" She asked, "are you sure that you no longer have contact with your ex husband? Are there kids you stay in contact with?" I quickly gave her the 2 minute recap of "No. He won't let them talk to me but there is his wacky first wife..." (p.s. I did not update you Dear Readers, that Annie  emailed me twice last week and called me last Friday. She wants to catch up and needs help on a job search. I emailed her back that I was pretty busy. I was all business, but I was a pussy.I had an opportunity to really set limits and I didn't do it. She called me even when I wrote to her that I was unable to talk.) Tarot Lady's eyes got big and she said, "that's it." She said you need to block her. She is trying to keep you connected to this John. Put her name on a piece of paper, put it in a ziplock and freeze it!

So here they are...right next to the Ezekiel bread that tastes like shit. It may be hooey, but I wrote those names down and put them in their own little bags and tossed them in the freezer!

Crime Scene

I was getting off the Gandy bridge coming into Tampa a couple of days ago and there were tons of cop cars. They had roped off an area on the north corner of the bridge with the yellow crime scene tape we all know from CSI, Law & Order and the like. As I was driving past the crime scene, I was thinking of how the bright yellow tape lets us know to stay away. Like a red flag of sorts. Wouldn't it be great if there was some type of visible sign that alerted us, "Do Not Cross" when it comes to potential partners or bed mates?

I see someone has already thought of it...

Red Flags with Violence

I watched a recent Oprah with Gavin de Becker as the guest. He wrote Gift of Fear. The book focuses on using insight to protect yourself and stay safe. 

He said something that really resonated with me--"Anybody that doesn't respond to your "no" is trying to control you." It made me think about all my writing about red flags. Here is a cut and paste of his set of red flags when it comes to physical violence. I have gotten emails from readers that have gotten out of abusive relationships. I have also shared with you all that I was abused in my late teens and early 20s. I read through this list and I saw that although John was not physically abusive, he was mentally abusive and I can see parallels with how he was in the beginning of the relationship. I can really see that the abusive boyfriend from long ago totally fit this profile. Sadly, I can see a couple of my friends' husbands in this.

Physical Violence 
Many consider pushing or hitting a major clue that your partner is capable of violence—but Gavin says it's more than that. "It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It's over. The assessment is done," he says. "Being hit doesn't work in relationships, and it usually doesn't get better."

Symbolic Violence 
Symbolic violence is the destruction of objects to intimidate the other person. " The destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home and the wedding gown is torn up," he says. "[If someone throws] a television out a window, the message is, 'I can throw you out the window.'"

Fast-Paced Relationships 
If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. "When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy," he says. "And women feel uncomfortable and they'll tell you: 'Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much.'"

Persistence 
If he won't take no for an answer, it's not because he's smitten. "Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you," Gavin says. "Persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled."

Gavin says the word "no" is different for men and women. "When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation," he says. "A woman who buckles there ... is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don't mean no."

Gavin says some women misinterpret persistence as flattery. "What do most women do with persistence is they say: 'Well, he calls me so often. He writes to me so often. He's always talking about me. He's always getting me gifts,'" he says. "Gifts like a car that he owns, he controls—he's got the navigation system on. Gifts like a phone [so] that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you." 

John moved really fast. I kept saying let's take it slow. I always got replies like, "but I love you baby. I'm 44 I know I want to be with you." He convinced me it was "love" making him move so fast (not wackiness). He would never listen to my "nos". He always persisted. It could be something as simple as where to eat dinner or a big thing like a trip. I watched him use the symbolic violence with his boys. I can't tell you how many times he would throw away something that was important to them (toys or returning a computer to Best Buy). It makes my skin crawl when I think about it.

Oprah made the comment that we are the only species that will get that twinge in our gut (the proverbial red flag) and still go towards the thing we are afraid of. Her guest agreed and said an antelope doesn't sense there is a lion nearby and then go towards the lion.I look back on my life and I think about how many times I ignored the twinge and went towards the lion (Dillhole, John, SOB to name a few).

Silly String

Remember that stuff Silly String™ when we were little? I always wanted some but my Mom wouldn't buy it. Let's talk about strings...

I waved goodnight to Sulie as my stomach churned. How could I be so stupid? In my efforts to remain "no strings", I ended up being lax in watching for red flags. I reasoned that I didn't need to. This wasn't a relationship. This guy had been devastated by his ex wife and he knew what I had been through. This was safe in a distant way (or so I thought). I googled him in the beginning. I didn't realize I needed to do a monthly background check.

Back to strings. The term "no-strings" to be exact. Here is a cut and paste from my friend L. She is about 10 years older than me and very wise.

You know, I’m looking at this from a distance and in hind sight.  And nothing I say here is meant as a judgment in any sense.  Lord knows I’ve been there and done that and very few do I regret.  With that said I’ll move on.

I think this entire situation can be chalked up to a very tired and worn label…….Mars vs Venus.

A man’s definition of ‘no strings’ is a prostitute for free.  I don’t believe any further explanation is necessary here.

A woman’s definition of ‘no strings’ is a prostitute for barter.  While there is no expectation of an emotional commitment there are rules and strings.  Honesty, reasonable communication, sharing small pieces of yourself, respect, advance notice, etc. are strings to a man but an expectation for a woman; it is the barter piece.  And ‘no marriage license’ is a definite rule.  When a woman says no strings it really means good, easy sex as long as her partner is honest, sharing, respectful, etc.  I know very few women who can walk away from a good romp with a ‘gee, that was nice’ and not remember his name or what he looked like or wanting a little bit more than just his dick.  Flashing back to ‘Fear of Flying’ by Erica Jong, I believe it was called the ‘zipless fuck’.  All very nice in theory but rare for a woman in practice.  Woman think about it and thinking negates no strings.   HE heard one thing but SHE said something else.

As long as you care and need things like honesty and communication you cannot truly ever have a no strings encounter because you will continually change the rules midterm.  However, he gave you exactly his definition of no strings.  If you really do not want a repeat of this scenario then you have to change your behavior and/or be quite clear of your definitions and expectations.  Maybe try liking someone a little stronger and the wanting more is the sex; not the other way around.  Unfortunately, this usually means giving up sex with a partner for a period of time.  Hell, I did it for almost 3 years and it was no fun at all.

My opinion for what it’s worth.

L is very straight and to the point. Please don't think she is being harsh. She speaks the true. This is part of why I was afraid to blog about this. I had broken my cardinal rule--watching for Red Flags!!! In my defense, I trusted this guy. You may say out loud, "WTF, Penelope?" He was kind. I think I felt like his position in the Navy also meant he could be trusted. He talked to me on Sunday night about my blog post about holding hands. He was so encouraging. This was the kind of guy that would not intentionally hurt a woman. I let me fear of being hurt (i.e. being in a real relationship) cloud my judgment. Big mistake.

So a few posts back when I posed the question if women could fuck like men? I am still undecided. If SOB was not fucking MARRIED I would have gone on my way happy to hear from him every once in a while. Now I have this nasty dirty feeling about the whole thing. I didn't moon over this guy after I would see him. On Sunday night we talked about a couple of things life related where I thought to myself (Ew, I could never like you, like you). Not physically--I am talking about just the general way of viewing life.

So, thanks to his self created chaos, this went from no-strings to Silly String.

More in a bit. This shit drains me...

Sex Addiction Part Deux

On the show I watched this morning they interviewed Susan Cheever. She has written a book on sex addiction. I bought it today and I have almost finished it. It is hard to put down. It must be like reading my wacky blog (several strangers have written and asked me to write more because they can't stop reading--makes me laugh. People, this is my LIFE!) I was going to write a synopsis on the book, but I found a good one online-

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/16/books/review/Cain-t.html

I think I bored my poor sister to tears talking about it at dinner tonight. The review above says the author brings up more questions than answers (I agree). The big one is what differentiates an addict from an abuser. Sulie and I talked about alcoholism. We are big on walking or taking cabs when we drink away from home. I told her I thought someone with a DUI is most likely an alcoholic. She gently told me that I was mostly likely over the legal limit the other night when I left Ciccio and Tony's after a glass and a half of wine. Touché little Sulie. I said "But I had dinner and that is not that much." The reason I made my sweeping DUI judgment was John (but of course, you knew that already). One night early in the marriage, John came home drunk from the golf course. He had his go cup in hand. I was PISSED. Penelope enjoys a beverage from time to time, but the drinking and driving thing drives me nuts. Short story long, I exploded, he denied it, he reeked of bourbon and the go cup said it all, he left in a huff. Annie called to ask him something about the boys. I told her what happened. She let it "slip" that John had gotten a DUI a few years before. In the typical, good ole boy ways of Louisiana, his good friend the DA (district attorney) was able to get him out of it. Luckily (sarcasm intended), John had the foresight to pass out and crash into a pole in his college buddy's parish instead of Lafayette Parish. I've lost count of red flags--let's call this Red Flag number 256. Of course, John had never told me that and to make matters worse, Annie begged me not to tell him I knew. Annie was the one that bailed him out of jail! I paced, I called his cell (it was off) and an hour later he came home. He apologized, he told me he wouldn't do it again and he knew I was mad because I loved him. I held the DUI info in for a long time. I don't recall the exact time I dropped the bomb that I knew. He was furious at Annie for telling me (not mad at himself for being a bold faced liar).

I just reread that and said out loud, "GIRL, why didn't you see all this?" I am telling you he was smooth. Clean cut, polite, said all the right things--A salesman!

My friend JCH wrote a comment about me saying that I wanted to run when John told me about his dysfunctional childhood. I think we all have varying degrees of dysfunction. It is what you do to move past it and how you operate in your relationships that matters. I'm still not sure if I understand why one person that has suffered as a child grows and thrives emotionally, while another one tries to numb the pain with drugs, food, alcohol or sex.

This shit is too heavy. I'm going to Google some ManGroomer™ humor...

Sex Addiction

Okay, I'm on fire today and the fingers are flying across the keyboard. There is so much to write about! I love CBS News Sunday Morning. I DVR it so I can fast forward through the commercials. The first segment today was on sex addiction. This is a subject that fascinates me after the John nightmare. I've read quite a bit about it. Right after I had moved out, I sent John information on SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous). I deleted all his emails during the Great Purge of December 2009, but there was one where he apologized to me when we were writing back and forth. I can remember the exact quote of a sentence he wrote (I had read it over and over), "I have a problem and I know I need to get help." When I saw him at our company meeting, I asked if he had gone to a counselor. He wouldn't answer me. His body language told it all. His shoulders slumped and he looked down. He didn't need to answer. I knew he hadn't gotten "help". Go with me on a sidebar--while we were dating John went on a 3 day fishing trip. He called me before the boat headed out and he would not have cell service. He said he wanted to tell me about his childhood. I listened as he told me that his Mother had gotten pregnant with him out of wedlock and his biological father left her. His Mother met the man that would raise John and they got married. John's last name is the name of the man that married his Mother. John's middle name is the last name of his biological father. His Mother's sister (his Aunt) married his biological father. Have you followed all that? It gets worse. John learns the truth about who his real father is while he is middle school age. He notices at family functions that his cousins look just like him and he is the spitting image of his uncle. To make it even uglier, the man that is his "father" at home gets drunk often and says things like, "you aren't my boy."  Nice. It took John about 45 minutes to go through the whole story. I listened quietly only speaking to ask questions when I got confused. I wanted to know if his biological father acknowledged him--the answer was "no". I asked if his cousins knew--"no". It was time for the boat to take off and John had to end the call. I sat on the edge of my bed and felt really bad for John. I could tell this really damaged him. I asked if he ever went to a counselor to talk about it. I could tell it hurt him deeply. He said "no", that he could deal with it on his own and it didn't bother him. This was before we had gotten super serious. We hadn't said "I love you" yet. I recall feeling like I needed to run. Something deep inside told me this guy is really damaged. Another voice inside told me that we are all damaged and that I couldn't desert him just because he had a fucked up childhood. He appeared to be so confident and put together. When I listened to the story of his childhood I heard a scared little boy that was emotionally abused by the man that raised him. I tell you all this as background. Getting back to sex addiction. I am a cause and effect girl. if something happens I want to know why. I looked at our marriage like this--we loved each other, we had a good sex life, we had fun, we both had good jobs, we gave each other space to do things independently...why did he cheat? Why would he throw away everything we had together? How could he hurt his boys so bad?  Also, it wasn't just cheating for sex. It was obvious by the texts that they felt they had a deep emotional bond. I knew it was a much deeper problem as I started to piece things together that night along with things I had seen/known over the past few years. There was the hook up websites, I found New Orleans escort sites on his work computer, sometimes I would come home from work and find porn DVDs in the bedroom. I would ask about them and get smooth answers--"just passing the time while I miss you baby."  The show I watched had an interview with a sex addict. He described having to look at sites during the day while he was at work. He had 2 failed marriages because of his sex addiction. My mind went  back to all the times John would be in New Orleans for a work. He would always call me around 10 pm to say good night before everyone went to Bourbon Street. He would say "I love you" and I'll call you in the morning. I can not tell you how many times I would not hear from him by 0900. I'd call his cell and hotel number and get no answer. I would worry that something happened to him while he was walking back to the hotel the night before. I would always hear from him around 11 or 12. I would get various stories--I was at breakfast, I slept in because my head hurt, I had the phone on mute...the last time it happened I told him that I was not stupid and I wondered what he was really doing. This was about a month before the text incident. Sadly, I was talking about gambling. John could stay up all night at a craps table. Harrah's is in New Orleans. We had a big walk in closet with dressers on each side. John would pile all his receipts on the dresser. After we were married for about a year, John was doing an expense report one night. He asked me to grab his receipts. They were a crumbled mess. I put them together and smoothed them out as I walked up the stairs. I noticed 3 from various casinos in the area. I asked John about meals at the casinos. He said they were all in his territory and he would stop and play a bit on the way home. Say it with me in a tired, oh shit, I already married this guy voice..Red Flag. Isn't it sad I never dreamed he would cheat? It was the gambling that I was worried about. On the show, the subject of having several addictions came up. I started to think about John with the sex and gambling. It all made sense. There is also alcohol, but I think I will table that for another post. This was a man that could go for days without anything to drink but when he did. Ugh. I've watched Dr. Drew and his sex rehab show for answers. I get that the person is trying to numb the pain. It is like any other addiction--alcohol, food, shopping, sex...they are always ways to numb pain.

There is the reference for mental health workers called the DSM IV. It has all the diagnoses listed in it. I just learned on the show I watched that sex addiction was in the DSM IV but it has since been removed since there is not enough scientific data to support the existence of a diagnosis. Shit--I got a patient for you to get your scientific data from!

One of the things I have really worked on in therapy is getting that what has happened has happened. It could not have happened any other way. I used to get so angry that John didn't have the power to not screw Pao. I thought he should know the difference between right and wrong and make the "right" choice. When Pao and I spoke on the phone she told me how aggressive he was in getting her to go to lunch with him. It made me so mad at the time. Now I just look at John with a kind of detached observation. He really needed to be with her. It had nothing to do with me. I just looked out the window and thought about the call with Pao and how I felt when she told me how he would call her and go see her at the hospital where she worked. I don't get the fast heart rate, sweaty hands or burning cheeks like I used to.

Should I have run when John told me the story of his messed up childhood? The question really is could I have run? What happened is what was meant to happen.

Oprah, Cialis and Pictures--Oh My!

I tape Oprah every day. I am watching one tonight on women who were betrayed by their spouses. Many of you have written to me about how reading the posts have helped you as you deal with the realization that your spouse or partner has cheated. The stories on this particular episode make John look like a saint. One woman just made a point that really resonated with me. She said she felt like the betrayal cancelled out all the happy memories. I totally relate to that. I remember sitting down at John's lap top and hitting "select all" and deleting all the pictures of us together. He was so angry. He sent me numerous emails telling me that I had "taken away all his memories." I responded, "you took away my trust, my self esteem and most importantly my family." He never got it and he never will. He was focused on pictures that showed what concerts he attended, where he traveled, and the parties we had. It was all a lie. Oooh...Oprah just said, "Red Flag!" She wanted to know if the betrayed woman saw the red flags. I just remembered another one. It is embarrassing to admit, but I get to hide behind the name Penelope and a cartoon. One weekend I was visiting John. I went to Lafayette. Usually we stayed in New Orleans or we went to the camp. I can remember it vividly. I was in the master bath. I sat down to pee and I glanced down at the trash. On top of the crumpled trash was an empty prescription bottle. We were planning to get married. I knew John didn't take any prescription meds. I leaned over and read the label-Cialis (in the same class as Viagra--to make the winkie hard). I grabbed the bottle. It had John's name on it and a date less than a month prior. It was for 5 pills and was written by his friend Marc, an ER physician. I was still sitting. My heart raced. John never had issues in the erection department. This was weird. My hands started to sweat. This was after the LSU game incident. Things had been going really well. He knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay. Wait, let me make it real--, "Baby, you okay in there?" I flung the bottle back in the trash, washed and headed out. He was all smiles and asking me if I was ready to go to dinner. This was the trip where we went house hunting in anticipation of my move to Lafayette. This really worried me. We went to the restaurant and I told John I needed to talk to him. I told him what I found and told him I was confused. He was so smooth. "Baby, I got them to use with you. I've moved them into my travel kit." I wasn't satisfied.  I pressed on. I asked why? Had he taken any? There were never issues. He laughed and said his friend Marc said it made things "fun". He turned on the charm. He had this way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the room. I suppressed my worries. It was always in the back of my mind. I'm all over the place, but I know you guys are tracking with me. Back to the subject of betrayal making you feel like all the good times were cancelled out. I had tons of pictures on my lap top. I remember having the courage to open them up after I moved to Tampa. With my glass of wine as reinforcement I clicked on my iphoto. My stomach turned as I looked at our wedding in Jamaica, trips to Las Vegas, Chicago, Seattle, Asheville, D.C., Philadelphia, South Beach, Destin, Mexico, videos of the boys wake boarding, John singing me songs, me dancing...it was all too much. Select all, delete, sip wine, empty trash in photo program, gulp wine, heart racing, stomach churning, turn off lap top. Open bag of tortilla chips. Insert chip after chip into mouth. Drink more wine. I felt like 4 years of my life had been erased. Overnight, I had gone from being a wife, a step Mom and having a "family", to being single and looking for a place to live. Sidebar--when I say "family" I mean the day to day unit I had with John and the boys. Sulie is my family. Oprah just laid a little Maya Angelou down, "People always show you who they are. They will show you over and over again." For example, John is a liar. He lied about his previous 2 marriages to Annie. He lied about why the marriages ended. John is a cheater. He cheated on Annie and I can't tell you how many other stories I heard after I left. He showed me who he was. I chose not to see. Not being hard on myself. Just an observation. Penelope is a work in process. I still have a hard time trusting that the good times were truly "good" times. I talked to Annie about this at length. She had a different perspective because of her boys. she said she had to remember them fondly because of her sons. The more I think about it, I don't know if I even need to put the memories in a "good" box or a "bad" box. I just remembered--I don't save boxes!

I would love to hear what you think on this--comment below or you can send me a personal email by clicking my picture on the left.  XOXO Penelope

How to spot a LIAR

My guy friend (hmmm...what shall I call him? yes, he will be "Costa") and I talk about body language a lot. We're in sales. We were surprised when we realized we had both read books by Paul Ekman. There are really intersting studies on facial expressions that are authentic vs. forced. Costa and I have talked about lying when it comes to business (i.e. when we didn't trust a word our old VP was saying).  We talk about posture and facial expressions in interviews.  How a person looks when they are remembering something (up and to the right) vs. lying about something (up and to the left). (Disclaimer--there are variables to this please don't try on your partner and decide they are lying).

I think back now to how John carried himself. In retrospect there are some telling things I recall. He was always looking up. I wish I could remember which way. He always used "baby" when he was trying to be convincing. Recall when I asked if he had a girlfriend (sadly I was joking at the time) and he replied, "baby, I want to look good for you."  He would also stare me in the eyes when I was asking him direct questions.  Now I know he was trying to convince me that he wasn't lying!  Before the infamous day of awakening-10/27/07, I had been in Palo Alto for a meeting.  When I checked into the hotel I was told I had a package. It was a box from John.  He had gotten me a new Mont Blanc pen. The week before I had torn the house apart looking for my nice pen that my old teammates had given me when I was promoted.  I was obsessed with finding it.  He went and bought the same exact pen and enclosed a lovely note telling me how much he loved me.  Later, after I had done my own CSI on his BlackBerry and email, I figured out he was already with Peach Flower when he sent me the pen. He was a frickin cliche!  He had also brought me flowers the week before...

So what do I do with all this moving forward? You may wonder if I have dared to dip my toe in the dating waters? I've gone through phases. As you can imagine this whole nightmare was quite damaging to the old self esteem.  I've tried all kinds of Internet dating with marginal results. I will actually switch the tone of this blog to dating after January 1. I have worked through lots of gruesome shit and I feel like I've come out of the muck on the other side.  The counselor I went to when I first moved back really focused on red flags.  Not in a blaming way--more about what was it about that I was willing to compromise and accept less than what I deserve?  There was definitely something there.  I knew that there were issues with John (I had caught him in some significant lies prior to our marriage-never cheating.)--but I always forgave him.

I will tell you this--I can't tell you how many guys I have not given a second thought to because I see the red flags right away. I'm not the bitter beeotch that trusts no one--I just call a spade a spade.

Remember the story about leaving the LSU game to fly home when I found out John had lied about his previous marriage(s)? I went home and refused his calls.  I called Annie (the mother of his boys).  She was very kind. She laid it out for me.  Her quote, I remember like it was yesterday, "what do you want--someone to have fun with or a relationship? He is not someone to have a relationship with."  That was on Sunday.  Monday evening he showed up on my doorstep with flowers.  He told me he didn't mean to not tell me--he had "forgotten" since they were young when they were married the first time.  I didn't crumble right away.  I kept my arms crossed.  I can't remember what made me break.  The guy is smooth.  As my old shrink used to say, "he is in sales and he SOLD you!"