I'm a Pusher

Daisy the Dog of the Century™ has been freaking out over all the thunderstorms we've been having. Tonight was the worst. Nothing worked. I sang, I blasted music, I tried to distract her with toys. 

Now, I turned to drugs and alcohol. She has hydrocodone drops for if she has collapsed trachea issues. I pinned her down and dosed her. I then went to the fridge and popped open a Rolling Rock. All is well...

Disturbing, yet funny.

Catching Bad Luck

Is there such a thing? Is it on the toilet seat? How long can it live on a kitchen counter?

Seriously, do you ever notice how friends scram when the proverbial shit hits the fan? I've blogged about doing some friend housecleaning over the last few months. Also, a couple of people that are close to me have mentioned how close friends they had vanished when the going got tough. Sucks. ASS.

Perhaps a full body condom to keep the bad luck from spreading...a perfect segue to a scene from one of the BEST MOVIES EVER!

Fun music blogs I found through friends...

http://musicyouneed.blogspot.com/

Radio Cure--A Music Blog From Down South

http://amysdailysong.blogspot.com/

A song a day keeps the doctor away....

http://heatherensley.wordpress.com/

Titled "Comb Your Hezaire"!


http://amydbringinbacktheblog.blogspot.com/


Amy Dalley's Blog (aka bigmama amyd)

What Would Bridget Do?

I couldn't sleep last night. I was scrolling through other blogs. There was scrap booking, baking, and pictures of babies. It bored me...then I came across this GEM:

http://whatwouldbridgetdo.blogspot.com/

This was the picture that caught my eye:

Their tag line (there are 3 bloggers from different cities) is:

In a pickle, we ask ourselves, what would Bridget Jones Do? Then we do the opposite.

It has achieved a spot in the "Stuff I Like To Look At" column!

Reading you teen's texts

Okay, we've covered reading your spouse/boyfriend's/girlfriend's texts. Here is a new one...

do you have the right as a parent to randomly pick up your kid's phone and read the texts? 

Penelope Votes HELLS YES!

• As a parent you're #1 job is to protect your child
• I was once a 16 year old girl that snuck Jimmy in through my window at 0100am so we could fuck (until that nosey dickhead Mr.Toohey that lived behind us saw and told my Mom...)
• They are still kids. Judgment isn't all there yet. Brain scans of teens have proven this. 
• You are keeping them from doing stupid shit or being aware before stupid shit happens and offering condoms, a ride home or just plain old advice.
• And last and least--you pay for the phone. It was purchased for safety and calls for rides. Not "hey I can't wait to blow you again."

I am not an asshole. I am also not a parent. John and I used to intermittently check the boys' phones. We told them it was always a possibility. 

One of my Mom friends just had an experience with this. Her child had written a couple of texts that indicated devirginization was on the horizon. She stopped reading And chose to have The Talk™ again and purchased condoms. Long story, short, the mother of the other teen picked up their child's phone and texted, "I had a great time last night." Friend's child responded (thinking it was their young love) with graphic details. Now other teen's mother has forbidden them to see each other ever again.

Great, now we have Romeo and Juliet with a 2011 flair. Other mother sucked. She crossed the line.

Teenagers are going to fuck. I know. I did. The point is to arm them with protection, information and do everything you can to not provide a place for them to do it!

Penelope out.

Ching Chong, it means I Love You

I'm sure you seen the controversial video that some girl did about Asians in the library at UCLA. You all know I've struggled with my issues after Pao. After extensive therapy, I do realize it was a woman that betrayed me not all of Vietnam. She could have been black, white, yellow or green. But it still feels so good to make fun (I will analyze racial issues on a later blog). Here's the other side. What it is like to be the Asian that is getting dissed. This guy rocks...

Kick Boxing™

Do you ever wanna just kick someone in the box? That has been a recurrent theme for me this week. If my Mom was alive, she would take a big drag from her cig, slowing exhale the smoke from her nose (going down) and her mouth (going up) and say, "where are you in your cycle?" Translation: you're being bitchy, are you having your period? (again, sorry boys. I've had 2 period references in 1 week and NO, I'm not having my period!).

Changing words to songs

That last post reminded me of all the songs I have changed/misunderstood the words to over the years. I'm having Déjà blog™.  I may have written about this before, but it is worth another go.

Blinded by the Light-Bruce

"Wrapped up like a douche you know the runner in the night" is really...

Blinded by the light,
revved up like a deuce,
another runner in the night

Tom Sawyer-Rush

"Maybe as his EYES are wide" is really...

The world is, the world is
Love and life are deep
Maybe as his skies are wide

Sweet Emotion-Aerosmith

"Some stuck up mama with a face like a gent" is really...

Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent
Said my get up and go musta got up & went.
You got good news but you're a real good liar
Cause backstage lover set your pants on fire.

This one I used to belt out of the back of my Mom's light green Monte Carlo with the white landau top--

Barracuda-Heart

"Back over time, we were apart, trying to pee, you ran the forest for me, no right no wrong, singing a song, a wisp again" is really...

Back over time when we were all
Trying for free
Met up with porpoise and me
No right no wrong your selling a song
A name whisper game

Another Tool in the Internet...

Get it? It's like Another Brick in the Wall for all you Pink Floyd fans. I never knew they said "bikesheds" until my ex-Brit husband told me.

If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. 
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddie!"



But I digress...

While I was looking for a guy taking a self portrait in his car, I came across this little jewel. I'm in a kinda cynical, I'd-like-to-kick-you-in-the-balls mood right now. It is taking all self restraint to not send him a message that says "You are a tool." Here's an excerpt. Double-Click to make it bigger for easy reading (and then puking).

Vehicular Date-O-Cide

So I've been chit chatting with a guy I met online. He is smart, funny, divorced for a couple of years and (most importantly), can spell and has a full command of the English language. The other day we were talking about how queer (odd, peculiar, not gay, homosexual) it is that people post pictures of themselves in their car. One moment while I google up an example of a random online dating fool...

Easily found in approximately 0.4 sec:

Poor guy. But you know my rule...you put your shit on the web you run the risk of Penelope doing a screen shot and making fun of you.

So funny new guy sends me an email on Thursday with a picture of himself sitting in the car and the subject line read, "Before the Accident." Okay, that shit is funny, BUT I am highly competitive. I had to one up him. I sent this with the subject line of "During the Accident"...

Now THAT is some funny shit. I was in a parking lot laughing my ass off while I took the pictures. I bet there was a crowd looking out a window wondering what I was doing.

While googling fat...

I found this. David may need to join a gym and quit all the fast food.

Why assholes should not have pets

I was driving down my street and a big black lab ran out in front of me. No apparent owner was around. I stopped the car and opened the door. He ran up to me all smiling and happy. I parked my car and got out. He had a chain collar with no tag. A guy was coming out of his house across the street and I asked if it was his dog. He said no and went to knock on the house next to his. No answer. No one in the street. We started to give up when a little boy that was about 3 opened the door. The guy talked to him and asked if that was his dog. The little boy said yes and then fat dad appears. He casually says "he keeps getting out." I lead the dog up and fat dad says, "you can let him go, he will run to me." No "thank you for saving my dog". Nothing. One moment while I google fat asshole to make him into a cartoon...

I love the Internet!

Oh yeah and p.s.--what about the toddler answering the door alone? I guess "Stranger Danger" is not taught in that house!

Single Ladies Devastation

Maria at Old Navy

I don't think I have blogged about a "Maria" in a long time. We got the news that my cousin's father was dying. She flew quickly got a ticket and flew in from Hilo to be in Ocala. She had to scramble to get ready and (not to be morbid) we weren't sure how long he had to live. She mentioned she had mostly shorts and Hawaii type clothes. I ran by Old Navy and got a couple of things she could wear to the nursing home, etc. In Hilo she dresses pretty casual (like I would if I didn't work for the MAN). The cashier asked me if I needed a gift receipt. I was in that manic, tell everyone your business mode (you know you do it too). I told her "no" and explained the clothes (I thought she may wonder why I was buying smalls...) She smiled and whispered, "I just gave you 30% off." What a MARIA! Interestingly enough, if you recall, the first Maria was at the Banana.  Old Navy and Banana are owned by the same company!

Butt Blow Dry

Yesterday was voting day for the mayoral run-off. Hope I used that word right. Who gives a shit--you know what I mean. It was hot as balls and even though I had the air cranked I was sweating. I had a dress on and I was walking up to the voting room. A lady with 2 kids said, "Excuse me, ma'am?". I said, "yes?" She crumbled up her face and said, "You have a stain on the back of your dress." I was surprised and thanked her. I then whispered, "is it ...ya know?" She looked at me puzzled. I said, "blood?" (sorry to my boy readers, but it's our cross to bear...) She said, "no, go in the bathroom and look", while pointing to the bathroom with a Nancy Grace scowl on her face. I go to the bathroom and it is your typical, run-of-the-mill Florida ass/leg sweat. Dead sexy, but it happens. I thought, "I needs to vote." I deftly angled my big ass  purse over my back and went in. I was at the wrong church. I went to the Greek one when I was supposed to be at the Baptist one a block away. I decided to go around the corner to fix the STAIN. I blew my ass dry. Didn't take the dress off. Just cranked up the dryer. It was fixed in a jiffy. I was able to get to the church and vote with confidence.

As for the Nancy Grace twin--may your ass be sweaty all summer.

Something goes amiss...

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. I took a couple of years of French and I have forgotten most of it, but I understand her. I love when "something goes amiss."

It is long but well worth it.

I totally get her!


Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Ghosts in general

I was with a Polly today driving over to Hyde Park Village. She used a road to cut through that I NEVER use. It is the road that Dillhole's house is on. I couldn't resist.I looked right as we drove by. There was a woman on the front porch arranging flowers in a pot. Geraniums. Red ones. I'm sure it was a girlfriend. It was weird. He is the one guy that I spent the best years of my ass on. Polly asked me if it bugged me. At first it didn't. I knew he was dating someone. It had been years since we we're together in a romantic sense. The more I thought about it, the more it bugged me. I don't know if I can even describe the type of "bugging me" feeling it was. He is the one guy that I put my life on hold to be with. I think it brought up anger at myself for the time I sent (therapy has taught me to refrain from using the word "wasted").

It seems like guys just compartmentalize and move on. Maybe there is a lesson there...

Ghosts of Internet Dating Past

Okay, so the other day I get a text from a number I don't recognize. It says "are you working?" I write the polite, "I'm sorry, I'm not sure who this is." They write, "is this Penelope?". I say, "who is this please?" The reply was, "Spencer."  Thanks to the technology of screen shots I can give you a play by play. I couldn't do the initial texts since it has my real name and my cover would be blown...

Commentary...he sent me an email a few weeks ago (which I promptly permanently deleted) and told me he was getting divorced (recall he is the tool that got married 5 months after we stopped dating...) I wasn't rude in my reply email, but I was cool.  Thoughts...he's looking for poonanny. He's white and I'm green in the texts. Notice his defensive tone. 

p.s. in case you are wondering...from Urban Dictionary:

Commentary...Have to put this in context for you. In his email he sent a couple of weeks ago he said he realized he married a woman that he was trying to "save." I didn't ask from what (cuz I didn't really care).

Commentary...The Punisher™

Whutever. I did not reply...

Lauryn Hill is the New Whitney Houston

I went to see Lauryn Hill last week. It was the WORST concert I have ever gone to...

let me count the ways:

1. The doors opened at 8 pm. She came onstage at 11 mutha fuckin 45 pm. It was a week night.
2. Her voice was horrible.
3. She kept telling the light guys to change things. She was bossy and unprofessional.
4. Same shit to the sound guy.
5. I know ALL her songs. I couldn't recognize most of them until they were almost done. I understand it will not sound like the cd. This was shit.

Most of all...she looked like a crack head:

How do you go from this:

To this hot mess?:

I learned a valuable lesson. There are tons of articles about how bad she is in concert these days. I could have saved 70 bucks. We left (along with many others) after 4 songs.

Her DJ was great. I wish he would have just played. I just tried to find his name. I think it was DJ Rampage. I found this comment in the Orlando paper. Apparently I was not alone in my review:

Are you kidding me with this positive review of lasts night concert? It was absolutely awful! The opening act with the brass band looked and sounded as though they just decided to go up on stage and preform since HOB knew she was running late. Horrid. Then after another hour of just waiting her DJ came out and I will admit played some good old school hip hop and reggae. After about 45 minutes of that though the crowd grew tired because of course who were we there to see…oh thats right Lauryn…and where was she….oh yeah not there. I actually saw one woman sitting in a chair sleeping waiting for this woman to grace us with her prescence. When she FINALLY did come on at MIDNIGHT she looked liked a HOT MESS and made no apologies for being late. Her voice was good…not great but this really didn’t matter since any of her songs were recognizable! They were mostly rock renditions of HIP HOP songs. People started to leave not only due to a POOR PREFORMANCE but EXHAUSTION. What a disappointment Ms. Hill!

Reply

Is Confidence in Women Cultural?

Sulie and I went to see Lauryn Hill at the House of Blues last week. I used to LOVE her. She now resembles Whitney Houston. That's another post. This one is about body image.

Penelope Disclaimer: I am making observations. This is in no way meant to be racist.

I noticed that all of the black women at the concert were working it. It did not matter what size or shape. They stood tall and were proud. There were no slumped shoulders. Everyone was smiling. I wondered if they measured their food, stared at the scale or berated themselves when they looked in the mirror. I don't think so. Sulie said she thought it was cultural. I wonder if there is a different message given to little girls. One that instilled more confidence. 

I am not the only one that thinks it. I just Googled it and look at the hits:

The Vortex of YouTube

Have you ever gotten stuck in it? You start with one video that was sent to you. Then you hit related videos. The you click on most popular. It's like hitting a crack pipe. 2 hours later you've seen and heard  "Charlie Bit My Finger", "If he's a gonna come in here and kick my ask", and numerous puppy videos. Just in case you don't know what I'm talking about:

How did they teach this kid the accent?

I said, I'ma gonna kick his ask...

Online Dating Hell Part 1 (From a woman's perspective)

Online Dating Hell Part 1 (From a guy's perspective)

I made this little video. I thought it would be funny to do a series about online dating.  It is my first try. I will keep at it.

The website is pretty cool : /www.xtranormal.com

Shit on a Do-Si-Dos

You know them--the Girl Scout cookies that are better than Nutter Butters? I just had a personal intervention. I threw the box into the trash. Emptied the cookies in with all the skank and THEN I put cat shit from the box on top. There is no way I can get to them now...

They don't look like Girl Scouts...

Bedroom as a symbol of relationship

I was watching In the bedroom with Dr. Laura Berman. She helps couples deal with relationship/sex issues. It can be entertaining, sad and/or quite funny. She always goes and looks at the bedroom. She says the couple's bedroom is a symbol of their relationship. There are couples that let their kids sleep with them. Some that one will sleep in the bed while the other is on the coach. The rooms can be totally messy or not decorated. I really thought LB was onto something...

It made me think back to bedrooms that I've shared with boys/men.

• College boyfriend: We had a blow up beach ball of a globe hanging from the ceiling, a second hand dresser, a double bed on the floor with a view of the parking lot. It was a loft, so it was cute. 
• G: We lived in a few places. I remember the rooms always being nest with the typical bed, night stands, and pictures.
• Bald Headed Bastard: It was his bedroom set. An ugly ass modern kinda Scan Design looking thing. It was sterile. And boring. 
• Husband #1 The Duke of Narciss: It was my bedroom set that was kinda girlie but we were poor. We lived on the beach and had a view of the Gulf. 
• Husband #2 Cheating Mutha Fucka: Really nice. Beautiful wood floors, sitting area, pretty furniture, kick ass lamps and I always had sassy bedding.

First, I would like to observe that I have shacked up quite a bit! But I digress. I don't agree with Dr. Laura Berman. My sassiest bedroom was violated by a Vietnamese 'ho. The happiest, sanest relationships were in apartments with rooms that weren't anything fabulous. It has to do with the people in the relationship.

WiFi Names

My friend in Seattle was searching for a Wifi and look what she found:

Big=Good
Floppy=Not Good
Donkey=Not Good
Dick=Good

It's Girl Scout Cookie Time!

As I walked into Publix today I heard the sweet little voice saying, "Would you like you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" I gotta do it again...one of my faves:

Blog Celibacy

This is the longest I've gone without blogging so far. I still have all the stuff in my head. As I fall asleep I think, "I need to write about that." I have a bunch of emails to myself with subjects and titles. I'll get back to it.