Breaking My Emotional Hymen

I have decided to wind this blog down. I got this email today from gbs. He is an old boyfriend from the late 80's and a wise man...

I recommend that you stop your blog.  Your man friend doesn't want to be another character in this story.  If this doesn't work out, and I certainly hope it does, you can start writing again.  If you need to write, which is an excellent need, then start another blog.  I miss the blog when it is not there but you are not writing it for me.
Take care, gbs

I have gone back and forth over the past few months...to blog or not to blog. When I read gbs' email it made me think. I showed it to Polly. Her reply was, "what if ManFriend™ wrote a blog and you didn't have access to it? Wouldn't that be a red flag?" She was right. ManFriend™ does know about the blog (the fact it exists and I write under a different name). I mentioned it in passing and told him I had written much since we got serious. His only comment was, "I couldn't put myself out there."

I will close this thing down with a story of hope (laced with a bit of dysfunction). A couple of weekends ago I was on my porch with ManFriend™. I was watering and deadheading some of my plants. My hose was leaking and needed to be replaced. I asked ManFriend™ to unscrew it and put it in the trash can. He looked at the dripping water and said, "it's all wet and the hanging plants are dripping. I'll do it after the water evaporates." I'm not sure why...my filter was not screwed on tight, I said, "what are you...a fucking pussy?" he looked at me with a confused expression. He slowly walked back into my house. I walked in and saw that he was putting on his jeans. He told me he was going home, to the library, then to the gym and he would be back later (we had plans to go to the movies.) I told him I was kidding and I was sorry. He said that it was an inappropriate thing to say even in jest. I got defensive and gave him the "this is the way I talk" speech. He calmly said it was disrespectful.  He hugged me, told me he loved me and said he would be back at 5. I was speechless. He left. I promptly ate 3 popsicles in a row, cleaned my already spotless house and sent Lynn an email to set up an appointment. STAT. When he got back at 5 I told him I was really sorry and I would not do that again. He smiled and said thank you and we got ready to go out.

The Lynn appointment--I told her the story. She never flinched at the "What are you a fucking pussy?" comment. Sidebar...here are some comments I received when telling the story to others:

• Hairdresser (from NY): "oh no you ddd'ent!!!"
• Sulie-"What did your face look like when you said it? Oh no, I know how ManFriend™ felt. Poor ManFriend™"
• Niece Jackie--Choked on her breakfast sandwich.
• Gynecologist-(had appt to change BCP. Hormones came up). "Penelope, I can't see you talking that way...let's see what new pill we can change you to..."

Back to Lynn. She said, "he sounds healthy", "he set boundaries". She said I was a "virgin" when it came to healthy relationships. She was right. She said except for the one a long time ago (that would be gbs). She asked me what I would do if I had a really nice family heirloom given to me. I said I would take care of it, keep it safe, treasure it...she said, "wouldn't you do the same thing for ManFriend™?"

So I have broken my emotional hymen.

I thank everyone for the emails, comments and support over the past 2 years. What started as an impulse to purge about a shitty time became a way to heal (and laugh). I'm going to leave this open in case someone Googles "cheating" or "ManGroomer", or if some big Hollywood producer wants to make a movie of this. I vote for Sandra Bullock to play me.

xo