Another Tool in the Internet...

Get it? It's like Another Brick in the Wall for all you Pink Floyd fans. I never knew they said "bikesheds" until my ex-Brit husband told me.

If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. 
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
You! Yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddie!"



But I digress...

While I was looking for a guy taking a self portrait in his car, I came across this little jewel. I'm in a kinda cynical, I'd-like-to-kick-you-in-the-balls mood right now. It is taking all self restraint to not send him a message that says "You are a tool." Here's an excerpt. Double-Click to make it bigger for easy reading (and then puking).

Vehicular Date-O-Cide

So I've been chit chatting with a guy I met online. He is smart, funny, divorced for a couple of years and (most importantly), can spell and has a full command of the English language. The other day we were talking about how queer (odd, peculiar, not gay, homosexual) it is that people post pictures of themselves in their car. One moment while I google up an example of a random online dating fool...

Easily found in approximately 0.4 sec:

Poor guy. But you know my rule...you put your shit on the web you run the risk of Penelope doing a screen shot and making fun of you.

So funny new guy sends me an email on Thursday with a picture of himself sitting in the car and the subject line read, "Before the Accident." Okay, that shit is funny, BUT I am highly competitive. I had to one up him. I sent this with the subject line of "During the Accident"...

Now THAT is some funny shit. I was in a parking lot laughing my ass off while I took the pictures. I bet there was a crowd looking out a window wondering what I was doing.

While googling fat...

I found this. David may need to join a gym and quit all the fast food.

Why assholes should not have pets

I was driving down my street and a big black lab ran out in front of me. No apparent owner was around. I stopped the car and opened the door. He ran up to me all smiling and happy. I parked my car and got out. He had a chain collar with no tag. A guy was coming out of his house across the street and I asked if it was his dog. He said no and went to knock on the house next to his. No answer. No one in the street. We started to give up when a little boy that was about 3 opened the door. The guy talked to him and asked if that was his dog. The little boy said yes and then fat dad appears. He casually says "he keeps getting out." I lead the dog up and fat dad says, "you can let him go, he will run to me." No "thank you for saving my dog". Nothing. One moment while I google fat asshole to make him into a cartoon...

I love the Internet!

Oh yeah and p.s.--what about the toddler answering the door alone? I guess "Stranger Danger" is not taught in that house!

Single Ladies Devastation

Maria at Old Navy

I don't think I have blogged about a "Maria" in a long time. We got the news that my cousin's father was dying. She flew quickly got a ticket and flew in from Hilo to be in Ocala. She had to scramble to get ready and (not to be morbid) we weren't sure how long he had to live. She mentioned she had mostly shorts and Hawaii type clothes. I ran by Old Navy and got a couple of things she could wear to the nursing home, etc. In Hilo she dresses pretty casual (like I would if I didn't work for the MAN). The cashier asked me if I needed a gift receipt. I was in that manic, tell everyone your business mode (you know you do it too). I told her "no" and explained the clothes (I thought she may wonder why I was buying smalls...) She smiled and whispered, "I just gave you 30% off." What a MARIA! Interestingly enough, if you recall, the first Maria was at the Banana.  Old Navy and Banana are owned by the same company!

Butt Blow Dry

Yesterday was voting day for the mayoral run-off. Hope I used that word right. Who gives a shit--you know what I mean. It was hot as balls and even though I had the air cranked I was sweating. I had a dress on and I was walking up to the voting room. A lady with 2 kids said, "Excuse me, ma'am?". I said, "yes?" She crumbled up her face and said, "You have a stain on the back of your dress." I was surprised and thanked her. I then whispered, "is it ...ya know?" She looked at me puzzled. I said, "blood?" (sorry to my boy readers, but it's our cross to bear...) She said, "no, go in the bathroom and look", while pointing to the bathroom with a Nancy Grace scowl on her face. I go to the bathroom and it is your typical, run-of-the-mill Florida ass/leg sweat. Dead sexy, but it happens. I thought, "I needs to vote." I deftly angled my big ass  purse over my back and went in. I was at the wrong church. I went to the Greek one when I was supposed to be at the Baptist one a block away. I decided to go around the corner to fix the STAIN. I blew my ass dry. Didn't take the dress off. Just cranked up the dryer. It was fixed in a jiffy. I was able to get to the church and vote with confidence.

As for the Nancy Grace twin--may your ass be sweaty all summer.

Something goes amiss...

This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. I took a couple of years of French and I have forgotten most of it, but I understand her. I love when "something goes amiss."

It is long but well worth it.

I totally get her!


Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Ghosts in general

I was with a Polly today driving over to Hyde Park Village. She used a road to cut through that I NEVER use. It is the road that Dillhole's house is on. I couldn't resist.I looked right as we drove by. There was a woman on the front porch arranging flowers in a pot. Geraniums. Red ones. I'm sure it was a girlfriend. It was weird. He is the one guy that I spent the best years of my ass on. Polly asked me if it bugged me. At first it didn't. I knew he was dating someone. It had been years since we we're together in a romantic sense. The more I thought about it, the more it bugged me. I don't know if I can even describe the type of "bugging me" feeling it was. He is the one guy that I put my life on hold to be with. I think it brought up anger at myself for the time I sent (therapy has taught me to refrain from using the word "wasted").

It seems like guys just compartmentalize and move on. Maybe there is a lesson there...

Ghosts of Internet Dating Past

Okay, so the other day I get a text from a number I don't recognize. It says "are you working?" I write the polite, "I'm sorry, I'm not sure who this is." They write, "is this Penelope?". I say, "who is this please?" The reply was, "Spencer."  Thanks to the technology of screen shots I can give you a play by play. I couldn't do the initial texts since it has my real name and my cover would be blown...

Commentary...he sent me an email a few weeks ago (which I promptly permanently deleted) and told me he was getting divorced (recall he is the tool that got married 5 months after we stopped dating...) I wasn't rude in my reply email, but I was cool.  Thoughts...he's looking for poonanny. He's white and I'm green in the texts. Notice his defensive tone. 

p.s. in case you are wondering...from Urban Dictionary:

Commentary...Have to put this in context for you. In his email he sent a couple of weeks ago he said he realized he married a woman that he was trying to "save." I didn't ask from what (cuz I didn't really care).

Commentary...The Punisher™

Whutever. I did not reply...