Same As It Ever Was

I had a Lynn appointment this afternoon. It's kinda funny--when I made it a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, "I may have to reschedule this, things are good, I don't think I'll have anything to talk about." She greeted me in the waiting room and I made my way up the stairs to her office. I sat down. She smiled and asked what I wanted to talk about. My mouth opened, words and f bombs flew. She sat there quietly listening. I covered a lot of ground in less than 5 minutes. She quietly said, "you associate this with John." I told her I didn't think I said that. This is what I did say--"cheating, lying, cheating, lying, liar, fucker, liar, fuck, liar, liar, married, what about his wife, ew, gross, pig, all men are pigs, fuck, fucking, fuckers." Okay, maybe she had a fucking point. I told her how pissed off I was at myself for putting my head in the sand. I told her I wasn't naive in thinking he wasn't celibate, but FUCKING MARRIED!? and I didn't not have a choice in deciding if I wanted to participate in his extra martial affair (the woman who started a blog about cheating!) Lynn talked about how the mind tells itself what it wants to hear. I had not had sex with anyone else in almost a year. I thought he was safe. I thought he was a decent guy. She said it was easier for me to beleive that he was married to his job vs. the reality that he was truly married. EW. She also brought up my belief that "All Men Are Pigs". I told her that I had even emailed that question to my ex (Duke--recall, he's a right WANKER). We talked about the fact that all men are not pigs and discussed examples of non-pig men. She asked me who was my ideal man--I had to say Joe DuBois. Luckily she watched Medium and knew of Joe. Ironically, Joe is a very normal guy. We really zeroed in on my fear of a "real" relationship. She also said how great it was that my gut told me something wasn't right with this guy. Okay, I was starting to not be so hard on myself and see the positives. I learned a valuable lesson--if something seems too good to be true (i.e. that SOB was safe), it probably isn't true.  

Funny, that the shit I was working on a year ago (i.e. the fear of being hurt again) is still here. Same as it ever was (envision Talking Heads guy, David Byrne doing that motion down his arm). Suppress it and it will always pop back up. Things could be much worse--I could be In Haiti or Chile or in Special Ops Bastard's mind....

Interestingly, Lynn brought up the fact that I was cynical. I call it funny...again, she had a point. She said how my humor was a coping mechanism. I told her that the "shitting fish sticks'' phrase had brought me tons of enjoyment. I think it may have eclipsed all ManGroomer™ humor. She agreed that SOB's stomach may be a bit upset this week. Back to cynicism. It is funny I wrote about sarcasm the other day.I've always been the class clown. The one that makes everyone laugh. Take that away and I am NAKED!

So, moving forward...I have reservations at Season 52 tonight (the new "in" place). We will be taking a taxi. I will start hair and makeup in about an hour. GreenLight Cards will be in my purse. I won't be ordering the fish...