The Universe, The Cool Factor™ and Puppet Strings

The other day when I was at my shrink appointment I was describing to Lynn how when I met Cop Friend that I was focused on the faded Dad jeans and the bad hair. I told her I kept thinking to myself, "I'm an asshole." I thought that because I knew I was being shallow, therefore, an ASSHOLE. She made a comment on how "abusive" I was to myself. That was like a pimp slap compared to some of the stuff I think to myself! I'm not sure that we addressed a more positive way for me to handle the thoughts. Next appointment. I have been through enough therapy to take a stab. Here goes:

• Gentleman walks in. I observe Dad jeans that go up to mid belly. I think to self, "my, those jeans are unfortunate. I believe they are what the kids refer to as Dad jeans. I bet he hasn't had a woman to help him choose current clothing in a while. Hmmm...I am noticing I am judging him on superficial things. Perhaps I should give him a chance and look past the faded, Erkel looking jeans."

I told Lynn I knew I was putting out a not interested vibe. She has issue with any references to the "The Universe". She wants to know what The Universe looks like and wonders if there is someone in the sky with puppet strings making people do things.

We talked about what my expectations are for the guys that I would be interested in. She asked me for an age range--I said my age (45) to 55. She then said let's talk about what those guys look like. She started at the head and went down. She said they may have thinning hair, may be gray, a pooch...you get the picture. It was fairly depressing. She said they may have been married for years and have no idea about fashion. They may have on sucky shoes. I replied "I'm 45 and I'm not like that." She said I was focusing on the "Cool Factor." Oy.

I left feeling kinda dejected. I decided to call Cop Friend. In retrospect ,I think it was like a dating Hail Mary. I had gotten the harsh feedback that I could be in relationship if I really wanted one and that I was looking for the cool factor. I didn't like hearing that. Because. It. Was. True. 

I left Cop Friend a nicetomeetyouhappyholidayscallmeifyouwannagettogether voicemail. There! 
I could check that off my list:

• Make effort with dating. CHECK.

It was a couple of days before Christmas. I did not hear back. I didn't care one way or the other. Polly told me she wondered if it was because I didn't immediately find a pen and paper to give him my number when he asked. She wondered if he left feeling bad because he didn't leave with my number. She is very analytical and wants everyone to be happy (which is why she is my friend). I told her, "I'm not going to feel bad about this!" As the days have gone on, I have convinced myself that I was callous with a fragile man...(Sounds like a Fiona Apple song, except I think she says "Careless with a delicate man") then I woke up. That is bullshit. I firmly believe in the written word of the sacred text, He's Just Not That Into You, and I quote:

"if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen, no matter what."

I could analyze and feel bad and analyze some more. In the end, I wasn't attracted to him. Ironically, Polly had asked Cop what Cop Friend said after we met that night. Cop told Polly he said "perfect." She talked to Cop yesterday and said, "did you know Penelope left Cop Friend a vm?" He told her that Cop Friend was having a hard time with the holidays--(his ex was in town) and that he realized he was not ready to start dating. Okay, I could be like my old wacky self and make that about me and berate myself for not digging him and writing my number down OR I could be self actualized and realize that is his stuff and silently wish him well.

I wish Cop Friend well.