Psychological Cardio

I usually have titles for my posts before I start one. This one I do not--I am going to let the title come to me. I feel like a lot of my latest posts have been kind of melancholy. It is funny because I am not sad. Maybe it is because I get the shit out on here!

I had a Lynn appointment yesterday (many of you have told me you feel like you get free therapy when I write about this stuff...) As you know, if you have read from the start of this blog, our focus is on thoughts. She asked me what thoughts I wanted to focus on for the session. I told her the "boy thing." Of course I had to elaborate...I told her I felt like I had worked through the anger of the John thing, I had "dated" a few guys and actually had a "relationship" with Spencer (if that is what you call it). I told her I felt like I wanted to meet someone, yet I wasn't sure when, how and where. She asked me about specifics. Lynn always says the mind needs specifics. I was stumped. I started to babble about doing things alone and being self sufficient and not needing to depend on a man. She smiled and asked, "do you want a companion?". I said, "yes."  She said it sounded like I was giving my mind "mixed messages." I laughed because I knew it was true. She asked if I had read somewhere that I didn't need anyone to be happy. I said "sure" and I had--everyday I  heard it on T.V. shows, radio, women's magazines, etc. She said it was odd because most people want a companion. Lynn had a point...

She asked me to describe what I wanted. I know from past sessions that means to exclude the word "not." For example I wouldn't want to list:

• Someone not like John
• Not a cheater
• Not a liar

Studies show that the mind will just pick up the words--cheater, liar, etc. The mind doesn't pick of the contradiction (i.e. the word "not').

So my list went:

• Smart
• Honest
• Faithful

Oh but it wasn't so easy. Lynn stopped me and I was asked to list it in the format of "I see myself with..." Okay, "I see myself with a smart, faithful, guy..." Errr (sound of buzzer)--not so easy. Now Lynn asked me to describe what I feel like with him. Include the 5 senses. Where are we? What are we doing? My hands started to sweat. I looked at the sassy shoes I wore to the appointment. I slyly glanced at my watch. Shit--how can there be 40 minutes left??? Alright, "I see me and the guy holding hands and walking down the beach..." Great! Lynn says, "how does his hand feel in yours?" Shit. How can I leave? I start to cry. I want to leave. I don't want to talk about this. I say, "I thought I was over all the anger." Lynn says you are. She asks, are the tears anger? I know they are not. They are total fear. I am so scared of being with another man. I wipe the tears and make sure I do not mess of the artfully applied eye shadow. Deep breath. "I am walking down the beach. We are holding hands. His hand feels warm." Lynn smiles and says, "that sounds good, what else, start at the beginning." I pick at my nails. I look at the floor. "We are walking down the beach. We are holding hands. He smiles at me and says I love you." Lynn looks at me and says, "that's it? He says I love you and (she does a quick fake smile)." I bust out laughing. GOD, when is this appointment over? I told Lynn I would rather be doing cardio right now. She says she knows this is hard. She asks me what is my biggest fear? I tell her getting naked and having sex. She says, "okay! let's talk about sex. Tell me about that. How will you feel?" At this point I feel sweat trickle down my butt crack. Covert glance at watch. Lynn says, "we have 15 minutes." FUCK. She asks me questions and says she is not looking for graphic details--she wants me to articulate what kind of lover I am looking for. She gets out of me that I want flirty, fun and kind. I went through the exercise a couple of times. I want someone that stays in bed after ''doing it" and cuddles and talks. I want someone that I can lie in bed and read a book next to them.  By this time I am spewing my details in hopes that the appointment will end and I can jump in my car and drive through Steak n' Shake and get a strawberry milk shake. I walked down the stairs from Lynn's office feeling like I had just run 3 miles.I got in the car and headed home. I realized before this appointment I had never really thought about what I wanted in a man. I vaguely missed being with someone. Whenever I had those feelings of loneliness, I would instantly think about what happened with John ( and the host of not rights before him)  and then think, "you are better off alone." Fucked up. I had only thought about all the "nots" that I wanted in a relationship. You know what is funny? The thing I keep remembering is how it feels to have a guy hold my hand. I can almost remember what it feels like...