Free Will

It is interesting what posts really strike a chord with folks. It can be funny references about bush management or something I typed in passing the other day-- "I can't imagine ever saying I love you to anyone ever again". That one stirred things up for peoples. I got quite a few private emails on that one. Lots of "I've felt that too" along with many "Don't worry it will happen again". I know both are true. 

Thanks to a little vino, I am going to type run on sentences with limited punctuation or care. I truly think I have avoided boys on purpose. I had a party last Christmas (an Amy Dalley house party that rocked. Yes, I had a concert in my living room and I am the COOLEST person on my block). My next door neighbor (a guy, friends with Dillhole) made a loud crack in front of everyone that my house used to be a revolving door of guys when I first moved in. It pissed me off. In my defense SOB had 2 different cars and another time he had a rental (so 1 penis = 3 penises to the casual observer). The Cat Whisperer also had 2 different cars and a Harley (again, 3 different types of transportation appeared to be 3 cocks, but in reality was 1 cock). So that math is 2 cars + 1 rental + 1 Harley + 1 Jeep + 1 truck= 2 meaningless cocks. It's the new math. Oops, forgot about Spencer, another meaningless cock (he drove a Rav 4). Embarrassing. I fucked a man that drove a Rav 4. I was depressed. I also wore Scrunchies™ in my hair circa 1986. We all have our demons.

But what was my point? I let 3 meaningless cocks in (I am talking literally). WTF? None of them were especially interesting or fun to be with...I lowered my standards. I ate at McDonald's when I should have bought some chicken and cooked it myself (I know you know what I'm sayin'). 

I think I needed to get that shit out of my system. John devastated me. My self esteem was so shattered that I had to aim low to start with. Fucked up, but makes sense (to me at least). 

I can totally get staying alone and not opening up. But it has gotten old. There are nights when I am blasting music and dazzling my animals with my knowledge of Led Zeppelin and current events and I will pause and say, "Self, I can't believe you are home alone." It becomes a habit. I've convinced myself it is easier to be alone. I used to work with a nurse that was the age that I am now when I was in my late 20's. She would always say, "Penelope, expect the worst, that way you will never be disappointed." It used to freak me out. Shit, have I become her? She drank White Zinfandel from a box. No, I have not become her. 

I have so many desirable traits in a woman that any boy would love: 

• I can sing the entire Beastie Boys Licensed to Ill album from beginning to end.
• I know a little bit about a lot.
• I won't ask you for money.
• I can find humor in everything. 
• I've probably seen more concerts than you.
• I don't want you to come along when I go clothes shopping.
• I hate terms like "honey and "baby". I like terms of endearment like "fucker".
• I keep my bush perfectly coiffed (and my head hair, nails and toes).

I am going to hit publish without proofing and hope I make sense. I'll probably read this in the morning and fix (or delete).

I shall end with a lyric I love "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".