Okay people...I did it. IT. Over and over. 3 nights in a row. Penelope don't kiss and tell. I will just say it is a friend that lives out of town. Not boyfriend material. Someone I could "do it" with and not feel scared. ***No wife, no girlfriend, no babies. What a concept.
I don't always alert you, Dear Reader when I get jiggy. It had been a while. I think it was March or April when I last had sex. One of my greatest fears is going for a year (or more) without doing it. I don't mean that as a cut to anyone that chooses to be celibate. I just know it is not something I want for me. At 6 months I knew I needed to take action. So I did.
I realized many things after doing it last week with my out of town friend.
- I still have it
- It was fun, but I was super relieved when he got up to go to his hotel and did not spend the night.
- When I really think about it, I can not imagine ever being with someone and ever saying "I love you" again.
- I have some fucked up thinking...something like, if I just have sex with someone it will set me back. Kind of like an alcoholic binge drinking or eating a piece of cake while on a strict diet. I've actually had intermittent crazy thoughts that if I really want to be with someone in a relationship that stringless sex will screw that up. Fucked up, I know.
- I really know that I have not been trying, putting myself out there, making an effort (whatever phrase you want to use as a euphemism for building a wall and closing myself off from the world).
- I truly believe in the line from Pretty Woman about kissing...one moment while I Google the exact line: "What do you want? What do you do? Everything. But I don't kiss on the mouth. Neither do l." The concept being that if she doesn't kiss him on the mouth it is not intimate and there is less chance of falling for him. We kissed, but I kept it to a minimum.
It has been eye opening. No wonder I don't meet a guy. I imagine I am putting off ultra sonic anti-man vibes™.
I think I'm all cured and shit from the John experience and then I see there is more work to do. I'm not sad, just more aware.
Oh no--no crying! It is interesting it took this for me to realize that I have been blocking myself off from the boy world.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that when I first read this I had the same reaction as Sandy did, but then thinking about it further, and after being put through the ringer myself for the past two and a half years, I can understand the reason you said this. It is sad, because I think any man who could earn your love would be very lucky, but perhaps you need to be in this place for awhile. I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog several months ago and have enjoyed reading it off and on. Up till now I never felt compelled to comment, but I must here. After going without sex for many years because I refused to end a failed relationship or look beyond it despite the fact that I couldn't say "I love you" through the entire time, I recently left that relationship when I discovered sex again, and without realizing it love did "grab my ass." I had decided long ago that I would never find love again, and I was resigned to the fact that I had had my chance and it was over. But the feeling of being in love again is so powerful I can no longer imagine living without it. Give yourself time; go slowly; and learn to live independently of any relationship. When you are comfortable in that place, and know who you are, love may find you again, and you will be ready. In the meantime, congrats on not going beyond 6 months -- the time piles on way too quickly and then it gets even harder to believe you are capable any longer.
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