When an ex husband is like herpes

John will not go away. Sunday afternoon I am in bed with a pounding headache. My cell rings and it is an 877 number. I answer. It is a bill collector calling to tell me that the account for the jet skis I co-signed with John is 2 months past due. Almost $1000 is owed. I have been monitoring my credit report a couple of times a year after my divorce.  The only thing we had in both names was our mortgage. We always kept our other things separate. He wanted to get new jet skis. When it came to credit time he needed me to co-sign (note to self: Do not cosign anything when the other person already has credit issues. HELLO. RMFF™!)

I calmly tell the bill collector that we have been divorced for 3 years. I let her know that in our divorce partition it states that he was required to refinance the jet skis within 6 months of our divorce and he has never done it. (Recall Phil the attorney. When I asked him about fighting the fact that he hadn't refinanced he said, "Baby, you need to pick your battles. You need to get this bum out of your life.") She sympathized as I told her I realized my name is on the account. She told me the bills were getting returned and the phone numbers on file were disconnected. I whipped out my trusty ipad and googled Pao's home address and phone number. I also found the phone number for the hospital where John works. I was able to rattle off his cell phone number from memory. I gave the bill collector all this info. She was really nice and said she would start with that info and call me back if she didn't get anywhere. We hang up and then...

THE PUNISHER™

I call his cell--the outgoing message is automated and I leave a calm but firm, "this is unacceptable" voicemail. I then call the hospital and ask for his extension. I leave the same message. I was on a roll. I call his best friend Dean's house. I had to look the number up on the glorious Internet. His wife answers the phone and tells me how she and the other wives think of me all the time (interesting, why didn't you ever call to check on me?). She tells me Dean is not home. I said I apologized for involving them, but John was very late on this bill and it was going to impact my credit. I hang up with her. Twenty minutes later, Dean calls me and tells me that John had called the creditor and paid the bill over the phone. Dean and I used to be very good friends. He asked how I was doing. I said "great and thanks" and hung up. (EW, he had his friend call me?)  I shouldn't have done it, but in my Punisher Induced Rage I emailed Annie. She replied and told me how she and John were in a fight because John wanted to claim the boys for his taxes when they lived with her all year and she and her husband were now paying for their housing at college. She also told me that John had given Pao a ring. It was weird. I don't have feelings for him, but I still felt queasy when I read it. Sulie told me she felt the same way.

Today I woke up to receive this email. Actually these 3 sentences were in the subject line with nothing in the email:

Subject: Re: Was already taken care of. Sorry for the inconvenience. Have always had this as priority.

What a dildo.

 I knew I should have just ignored it but I couldn't! It ate at me! So I replied:

Thank you.

Yes, I have seen that you have always paid it on time. I have been monitoring it and it is always paid as agreed  It was alarming to get that call out of the blue telling me I was responsible and that there was no valid contact information for you.

I heard you are getting married. I hope this one works. 

I know Oprah, Dr. Phil and anyone else that tells people what to do would have chastised me for what I wrote. I felt like I needed to let him know that I knew he was planning to get married again. In my heart I know the same thing will happen with him and Dao. Way back when, I told her to save my number for when she finds out he is cheating on her. It is her journey.

Love this quote. Not sure who came up with it. It has been Oprahinized.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.