Carry On Baggage

"If you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one." That is what my shrink Lynn said to me last week. I laughed and she repeated it. She has an amazing memory. She doesn't take notes. She reminded me that I had said to her, "even the fat lady on Hoarders has a boyfriend". I said that months ago. 

She said it again, "If you wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one." I didn't agree. We started talking about what I want. I said I was NEVER going to get married again. That I would be content to have a boyfriend to travel with, hang out a few nights a week, fuck, you know... Lynn told me that if that was what I wanted, that was what I was getting. She said no one would want to be committed to someone that NEVER wants to get married and is content to see each other a few times a week. I admitted that she may have a point. I said I really don't want to ever get married again. She clarified and it is more from a protection of my finances standpoint. I told her I would do the Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn thing. I can't recall the articulate shrink way she said it, but I was essentially told I am putting out a no commitment vibe.

I've been thinking about it off and on for the last week. I can't imagine ever getting the proverbial rug pulled out from under me ever again. It terrifies me. There is something to the fact that if I am not willing to take risks or put myself out there, (fuckin' hate that expression) that chances are I will not meet my Joe Dubois (who by the way has a new short haircut that I do not enjoy).

I have baggage. It is in a fashionable carry on, with the contents neatly organized,  but I have it. I was at a dinner the other night and someone close to me was texting under the table with his wife sitting next to him. It struck a nerve with me. They have a strong marriage and I seriously doubt he would cheat. It still bugged the shit out of me. First, I think it is rude as shit. Second, I think there is no one to text if you are at dinner with your wife and child. Only if you are a surgeon or the President. He ain't neither. I thought about me and texting. I have such a boatload of emotions around the whole cell phone thing. One of my neighbors is always outside talking on his cell. I drive by and think (he's a cheating mutha fucka). Okay, maybe the baby is sleeping and he didn't want to be loud in the house. The fact that his present wife (wife #2) is the woman he was having an affair with while he was married to wife #1 also leads me to my cheating mutha fucka conclusion, but I digress.  I've got PTSD with the cell phone shit. Okay, I've gone down a bunny trail,  but I'm circling back. Maybe Lynn has a point. If I close my eyes and really think about being in a relationship it terrifies me. I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend that freaks if a phone buzzes. I like eating Rice Krispies for dinner and watching 3 West Wing episodes in a row. I can't do that in front of a guy and get respect. Seriously, I don't think I would know how to act in a relationship.