The AssClown Clan™

I went to dinner with Polly last night. She was analyzing things of late and had me run through my relationships since college. She astutely pointed out that I seemed to have similar results with each guy and they all seemed to come from the same clan--The AssClown Clan™. It made me think about what I really would like in a Man and why have I been settling?

I'm really good at envisioning things. I moved back to Tampa and I knew I wanted a 1920's bungalow with a porch swing on a brick street. Less than a year after moving back, I closed on my house. It was built in 1926, it has a porch swing and it's on a brick road!:

When I was little, my Dad would take me hunting and fishing with him. There was never any doubt when we would go out that we would catch tons of fish. If I was aiming at a target, my Dad would whisper in my ear about lining up my sights and missing was not an option. Here is a fine polaroid of 10 year old me with poor Mr. Cottontail. and yes, that is my own .22 leaning against the table:

Sulie and I went fishing one day and caught 22 bream (that would be a type of fish for my girlie girl readers) in a couple of hours. We just did it. Sulie would catch one and I would take them off the hook and throw them in the bucket. We were so proud when we ate them for dinner.

When does that "I Can Do Anything" attitude go away? I love when you see a little kid get excited to push the button in the elevator or holler when a dump truck goes by. How does it go from that excitement to, "shit, I have to wait for the elevator" or "that dump truck is spewing dirt all over my clean car." Thinking about this made me look through baby pictures.

Look at Sulie. So cute. I think she is 4 and I'm 6 in this one (I used to have a mole on my face that was removed at 5). I could look at this picture so many different ways--I think it is hopeful...Sulie grows up to be an accountant that is working on her CPA and I'm a R.N. She loved baby dolls and I loved to climb trees. We shared a room with twin beds and Cinderella wallpaper on one of the walls. We would play Name that Tune in the dark and I once split my chin leaning over to hit her! I had to get stitches where I hit my chin so hard on the bedside table. The sucky thing was my Dad was the doctor that put in the stitches. He yelled at me the whole time for trying to hurt Sulie while the nurse held my sweaty hand. 

I think I remember when the "I Can Do Anything" feeling went away. My Father died in his sleep when I was 11. He was only 54. It was pretty devastating. Sulie was 9. She kept walking around the house saying, "where's Daddy?" as my Mom cried. Things seemed pretty sad after that. My Mom shut down. I don't remember much. Sometimes Sulie and I will piece together memories from that time. That was my first memory that Men you love will eventually leave.

I've seen this picture plenty of times and I never noticed I had his tie around my neck. My hairdresser sucked! I wish I still had the mole...I would be so mysterious.

It is weird how you learn certain beliefs and they stick with you. Polly's questions last night made me realize how I keep picking out Men that seem different (i.e. different hair, eyes, body types, professions) but they all seem to have similar core values and links to the AssClown Clan™.

Gotta love being raised in Florida. What the hell am I drinking? It looks like iced tea, but I can't stand tea. 

My friend (known as Betty on here) told me how her son brought her coffee in bed today. I commented he was on the road to being a good husband. He is so sweet. One day I met Betty and her kids at one of those paint your own pottery places. He saw me drive up and came outside to wave me in and walk me into the store. Is that nature or nurture or both? I think Betty has taught him right. Unfortunately, his father (lowercase "f" intended) is a member of the AssClown Clan™. That is another post for another day. Because I lost my Dad so young, did that mean I didn't get to see the right "model" of a Man to look for? (Sidebar--Betty lost her Father at a young age too). 

I've got my education, I have a great job, my own house, car, friends and a fabulous relationship with my sister...why is the Man relationship thing so challenging for me? I know I have made some poor choices. Why do I keep doing that? At work I am savvy--I don't trust anyone (as far as lying customers), I assess things and I am almost always on target. The same in any other facet of my life. Why am I so willing to accept shit when it comes to guys?

Lynn has told me over and over to envision the Man I want to have as my companion. I keep going back to the shallow shit--hair, blue eyes, tall with muscles, smart, funny, reader, big schlong...I don't ever put in the really important things like honesty, integrity, family, etc.

One of my future blogs will be Building the Perfect Man for Penelope. I see that I have an opportunity to adjust how I am thinking. I envisioned my house and I got it (and the 2 before it and my first condo). The same with my degrees, jobs and salary. 

I go back to my appointment with Lynn when she had me talk about what I really wanted and to describe the feeling. It still makes me nervous in the comfort of my own home. The last time I remember lying in bed with a man and not being afraid was with John. Look where that got me. By afraid, I don't mean like he is going to strangle me--I mean emotionally afraid. I would wake up and his smile was the first thing I saw. He would say, "Good morning baby, I love you." I believed. Just like my Dad had a heart attack and died in his sleep; the illusion of John went away that fast.

I always like to tie these posts of with a pretty bow. I don't have one tonight.