Remakes

Today I was in Crate and Barrel looking at all the things I never knew I needed and I found myself singing along (in my head) to the song that was playing. It was a song I had never heard before...this version. I was singing along in my head:

Stop me, oh, stop me 

Stop me if you think that you've 

Heard this one before 

Stop me, oh, stop me 

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before 

I kept thinking, "why do I know this song?" and it hit me. College. The Smith's. Stop Me. Who had the BALLS to remake this song? I just looked on itunes and it is Mark Ronson. It's like the time I was in an elevator in the downtown Bank of America bulding and I was singing in my head to the Muzak that was piped in. Same thing happened,"why do I know this song?"

Took my chances on a big jet-plane 
Never let 'em tell ya that they're aw-ooh-all the same 
Hoh, the sea was red and the sky was grey 
I wonder how tomorrow could ever follow today-hee 
Mountains and the canyons start to tremble and shake 
The children of the sun begin to awake 
Now 
Watch out 
It dawned on me. Going to California by Led Zeppelin. Again, The BALLS.

Made me thing about remakes. Why do one? Because the artist thinks they can improve or add a new outlook? I have 8 versions of Sweet Child O' Mine on my ipod. I never liked the original version. As a joke, I made a mix CD for my old boss because he loved that song. But I digress.  Wouldn't it be great to remake times in your life? I would remake 17-20, 30-32 and 39-42. I wonder who I could get to do the rerecording? 

Nancy Grace

You know her--annoying, judgmental, voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. My niece and I practice doing our face like hers and saying things in a Nancy Grace voice.

You can do it for almost any mundane thing. Here's one I did the other night. Clear your throat, get a good sneer going, cock your head to the right and drawwww oouuuttt whhhatt yooouu arreee sayyingg...

"People, the aunt received a picture of a man who was going to take her out to dinner. He had no shirt on. He was posed like a Chippendales dancer. Her niece suggested she send back a picture of her bush." Pause...make disgusted face:

People, these girls are sick and I come to find out the aunt is only a half sister to the nieces' mother. It is obvious their sick, perverted genes are a dominant trait that runs through this disturbed family. 

Googling pictures of Nancy Grace is like Christmas morning. I don't know which one to pick!!!

No Strings Attached

The chick movie of the year and I loved it! I can't stand Ashton Kucher. One moment while I google the right way to spell his name...Kutcher. I'm not sure why he bugs me. The movie was funny and cute and I found that I almost liked him. I love Natalie Portman. She needs to eat a burger though. 

And people...just like in my life, just doing it DOESN'T work. 

It made me want to have a boyfriend. I thought about going out tonight. Maybe meet some people. I went to Target and spent $178 instead.

Andy Warhol Found Dead in my Bathroom

Today I woke up to find this:

Andy Warhol had been removed from the side of my refrigerator and obviously dragged through my house at night. There was an assault to the left side of his forehead. My only hope is that he went quickly. I did not have the typical crime scene tape on hand. I used some yarn from a few years ago when I went through a quick I'mgoingtobecoolandteachmyselftoknit phase. 

I have a suspect:

May the cat. Black and White obese female. About 8 years old. White eyebrows and whiskers. Has gone by the alias Mai Linn until her adoptive owner decided that sounded like an Asian porn stripper name and changed it to May.

Where to find cool finger puppets:

http://www.philosophersguild.com/

Creepy Mall Guys

You know what I'm talking about. The guys that just sit on the benches (or in the cushy chairs at the nicer malls) and ogle women. They are not shopping. They are not waiting for anyone. They are just creepy jack offs. Next time I go to the mall I want to make flyers to hand to them that say:

Hi!

I know you are just sitting here looking at women (and young girls).

You are pathetic. 

I would love to go the the flat iron kiosk and get one to shove up your ass.

Maybe we can walk over there together.

That way I can get them to leave me alone with the annoying "can I ask you something" questions as I walk by and make you quit being a freak.

Love,

Penelope

Trusting Your Gut

I had an appointment with Lynn last week. As you recall, she said I may have been quick to judge when it came to Dad Jeans (aka Cop Friend). I'm telling her the story about the Old Spice guy. She listened as I told her about the cheesey quote, "I'm saving my appetite for you." Then I tell her about the no shirt picture with, "To stimulate your thought" under it. She commented that I was so quick to make a decision to cancel. I said I felt like it was inappropriate and a red flag. We stared at each other. I said, "wanna see the picture?" She said yes...

Envision me leaning over with the skank picture pulled up on my phone. I hand her the phone. She puts it up to her face and looks. Without missing a beat, she leans to me and hands the phone back immediately and said, "you made the right decision."

I am telling you. I swore I would trust my gut from now on. I know I am not being too picky. His shit was crazy.

Big Girl Thongs™

I had to put them on today. I sent Out of Town Liaison™ an email that we would not be doing it anymore. By "it", I mean IT.  He had asked me to go to the Keys over Christmas (I said no) and he recently asked me to go skiing. I needed to nip it now. It was a kind, well crafted email written mostly by my niece.   We tweaked it several times and read it out loud to each other (one time she did it in his accent). He wrote back a nice reply and asked me to call him. She told me I had to put on my big girl panties and call him. So I did. I waited a day, but I did it.  And it was weird.

People, have I mentioned that having sex like a man doesn't work? When I talked to him today it was obvious he kinda liked me. I had to lay a little, "we were just doing it, and you live far away, and..." Okay, I didn't say you kinda bore me. I think I hurt his feelings. I have become a man. He said he should have kicked things up a notch. I asked what he meant. Ugh. He also gave me one of those, "well, if you want some more blah, blah...and then said something about my boobs. I was in the Border's parking lot. I wanted to go in and get a GRE review book. Told him the conversation was making me uncomfortable and I had to go. I was the boy! Maybe I should have told him I was married with a kid. 

If he liked me, then why didn't he act like it? Don't get me wrong--I did not want the liking BUT, if this is his liking, what is his just fucking like? I shudder to think. 

They are all coming out of the woodwork. I got an email from a guy I dated a bit when I first moved back to Tampa.  He started with Hi Penelope, I don't know if you remember me, then he reminds me of where we ate and what bars we had gone to and when we saw each other (2 years ago). He was a young un. 27. Too young. That is why I said it wasn't working for me real quick. So he tells me he is single and he moved down to my part of town. Asks if I would like to get together. I write back:

Hi Tom,

Of course I remember you. I remember everyone that has seen me naked!

Unfortunately I am not available. I hope you are well.

Penelope

Apparently he thought I was putting out for all of Hillsborough county. I should have told him I still have the same box of condoms at my bedside that I had when he was here. They've probably expired by now.

Sulie told me that I was (and I quote because I can not make this shit up) "unaware of my sexual wantonness". Spell check didn't put a red squiggle under "wantonness", so I guess it is a real word.

More Match.com Narcissistic Insanity

My friend sent me this guy. I CAN NOT believe the shit he has in his profile. It is a manifesto. I couldn't fit it all in one screen shot:

My favorites:

• I'm a philanthropist--read I'm rich. (I always think anyone that talks about how they help, they really don't do much).
• Spells a lot, "alot". Idiot.
• Can you be in my boat on the ocean all day and be ready for a formal dinner in 30 minutes? Toolbag.
• Would you spot me at the gym? Yes, you'd be the douche staring in the mirror, clanking weights and grunting.

Maybe I'll Become an OL

Shit week. Thought I had something tied up and it did not work out. I have given myself the weekend to process the anger with friends, family, food and alcohol. I ate steak, eggs, grits and pancakes for breakfast. I think I'm done eating for the day. Upside--I had my yearly performance review on Friday. It was glowing. I felt kinda bad. As I sat there I thought, "you have no idea how unhappy I am in this job." I'm back to that how can I be good at something that I loathe? So I start to think of career changes...I've got it. Outlaw Motorcycle Club.

I have started to watch Sons of Anarchy. I saw that Katey Sagal won a Golden Globe for her role and I decided to check it out. It's about an outlaw motorcycle club in California. It's like The Sopranos on Harley's. The show is actually based on Hamlet. I am sure the Bard would be proud. I think I may become someone's OL (Old Lady). From what I can tell you start out like an apprentice.  You get passed around until one of the guys decides you are his "OL". I would have to screw a few fat guys with tattoos but it would be to secure my future. You don't have to wear a suit and I already have lots of jeans and heels.

I've already spent way too much money on itunes downloading episodes like a crackhead. I know all the lingo--SAMCRO. The MC. Going to church. I've been wanting to go by a small hand gun without serial numbers (just kidding in case The Feds read my blog)...

This is the main reason I like the show:

Golden Globes

I had it on in the background while I read so I could look up if there was something fun on the screen. I suspect that Ricky (one moment while I google how to spell his name) Gervais is going to be blackballed in Hollywood. You know I like me some harsh humor, but that guy was a PRICK. We all know that Tom Cruise is a freak and most likely gay, but I don't think that he needed to say it at an awards show. He ragged on Robert Downy Jr. too. Not cool.  So if Ricky Gervais was a cartoon he would look like...oh how convenient. When you google, "Ricky Gervais cartoon" there are tons:

From his show...

This really looks like him...

This is a good rendering of the ugliness that he has both inside and out...

 This one sums it up...