How Q-Tips End Up in Weird Places

When Sulie bought her house we found a used q-tip in the floor. It was gross. I've come across many random q-tips through the years. In the road when I walk Daisy. In a parking lot. I once saw one on a friend's bedroom floor. Why, why, why all the q-tips? I'll tell you why. People get distracted. Last night I was performing ear hygiene in the privacy and comfort of the master bath. The phone rang. I removed the q-tip from my ear and swiftly walked to the phone. It was my niece. We began a lengthy conversation about deep things. I found that I was gesturing as I spoke with the q-tip waving like a conductor's baton. I put the q-tip down. Not in the trash mind you. That would have been too easy. I finished the conversation and the q-tip was no longer on my mind. Imagine my horror when I saw it this morning on the ottoman in my living room. That, Dear Readers, is how q-tips end up in fucked up places.

There's an App for That!

Every few days I get an email from the itunes Store that says, Your receipt #XXX blah, blah. Just for shits and giggles (that one is for Sulie. She HATES that expression) I will check my inbox right now. Yep...

That is for Word Storm. A fun little game to play finding words that all have the letter shown in the center of the hexagon. It is like crack...

There are horoscope apps, tarot card apps, dating apps, travel apps, weather apps, meditation apps, you can have a friggin Starbuck's card on your iphone app, track your period app (gross, get a calendar), movie time apps...

Pretty soon there will be a Talk to your Child through an App, App, Communicate with your Mate without Talking App, Have Virtual Sex with your Boyfriend and Avoid the Mess App...

I think there needs to be a Be Comfortable Sitting in Silence Without an iphone or ipad in your hand App.

This is a perfect lead in for a future post:

My ipad is my new boyfriend

Definition of Insanity...

Things that I have given a 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th) chance that didn't deserve it:

• Anything made of citronella that says it will kill mosquitoes. I am a Florida native. I have been eaten alive again. When will I learn?
• Victoria's Secret Bras--they were shitty in the 90's and they are shit now. I have a new $50 bra and the underwire is stabbing me.
• Internet Dating--Requires no explanation.

Boobs + Truth = New iphone

The hair was perfect, the makeup flawless, the shirt LOW cut. I signed in at the Apple store. I sat on a stool waiting for my name to be called. A young guy came over in the familiar blue shirt and said, "Penelope?" I smiled and told him my iphone had been submerged in water and it was my fault and it wasn't worth going into the story. He asked when I got it and looked up my psychotic apple buying history. I don't know if it was the fact I had purchased every model of ipod since they came out, a computer, ipads 1 and 2 or the boobs. He said, "I can replace it. If you have to replace the second one it will be $199." I asked if I could hug him. He smiled and went to get the new phone. When he came back I asked if replacing the phone was standard or if it was up to the individual's discretion. He paused and I said, "It was you, right?" He smiled. I thanked him and asked his name--it was Gus.

I left with a smile and went to buy a thank you card and an AMEX gift card. I hurried back to the store and gave it to him. I thanked him for going above and beyond the call of duty.

My new phone shall be referred to as "Gus".

iphone + water = DOOM

You may say, "Penelope, why is your iphone in a bowl of uncooked brown rice?" My reply, Dear Reader, would be, "Because I'm a dumb bitch!" Yesterday the sun was shining and my prescriptions were ready. I put Daisy in a fashionable harness. I grabbed her water bottle and a back pack. I put my debit card in a pocket and threw my phone in the bag. We headed to my neighborhood (family owned) pharmacy around the corner. Brad let me bring Daisy in. He petted her and got a dog biscuit. I opened my bag and shrieked. My iphone was marinating in a pool of water. Quickly we dried it off. Brad held Daisy's leash as I jumped to action. I shook it. I cussed. I commented that my drugs must be working because I was not flying into a public tantrum. We agreed I could be in Japan. This was not a big deal. I put the phone in my pocket (where it should have been to start), paid, and Daisy and I headed home. Google "iphone 4 wet" and there are tons of hits. I removed the SIM card (very tough), I shook it some more, I vacuumed the holes to remove any more water, and then put it in a bowl of uncooked rice to soak up the water. She has soaked overnight. I tried to turn her on today. Nothing. I plugged her in to the computer. The Apple symbol flashed mockingly on the screen and was quickly followed by a grinding noise as the screen went blank. I am heading to AT&T first. I have an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar at 2. Here's a comment Polly found on a board about getting iphones fixed after water submersion:

I've already chosen what shirt I'm going to wear...

Mixing it Up!

Do you ever mix up beauty products? Ya know, put conditioner on your hair when you think it is shampoo? I've had a few near disasters I would like to share with you all. Note that many of them ALMOST happened when I didn't have my glasses on:

• Monistat instead of toothpaste
• Ambien in the morning (on the day of a job interview) instead of Toprol XL (my blood pressure med)...they kinda look the same
• Clorox disinfectant wipes instead of Cottonelle butt wipes
• Zit cream instead of under eye cream

The list goes on and on, AND people, I am not making this shit up. Moral to the story...wear your glasses and keep me out of your bathroom.

Apparently I am not the only one with these problems...

Ode to Shoes

These shoes rock,

In them I can barely walk.

I'll test drive them tonight while eating sushi,

I hope I don't fall on my tushy.

Returning shoes that I paid for in cash,

The clerks always treat you like white trash.

I hope in them down don't I go,

Because I LOVE them so.

-Penelope 2011

Deep Thoughts with Penelope™

• Do the words "mini" and "wheats" cancel out the word "FROSTED"?
• When my cat runs really fast from room to room with the "must get there now" look on her face and then she just plops herself on the floor...is that the same as when my mind races with all the shit I need to do and then I plop myself on the sofa, open a book and read?
• When I meet with my boss and I numbly nod my head as he is talking, can he read my mind and know that I am thinking that I want to kick him square in the balls?
• Why did I get a nursing degree and now I'm in sales when I find that I don't like many people?
• I got a notice from Chase that after recalculating, they have found that I am deficient $0.01 in my escrow account. It instructed me to send a check to get my escrow account up to date. A penny? I called (and got India) she laughed like I was an idiot and told me I didn't need to send a check for a penny. The why send me the fucking bill?

Blind Leading the Blind

So I had an OK Cupid date on Sunday. It was our first meeting. I get to the coffee place a bit early. I scanned the room and did not see him. I went to the bathroom to make sure the "do" was smooth, lipstick even and no boogs. I go out and scan again. It is a beautiful day so I decided to wait outside. As I walk out the door I see a guy sitting on the bench with sunglasses on that kinda looks like the OKC guy. He gives me a nod and stands up. He hugs me and kisses my cheek (ew).  Right away I notice he is eye level with me. OKC guy said 6' on his profile. Not 5 fuckin 8. He says, "Let's go in." We go in and I look at his hair. He's looking at my boobs. His hair was shorter than I remembered from the pictures. He takes his sunglasses off. I said, "you look different than your pictures." He said, "Really?, I think I look the same." He started to tell me about his 10 year old. OKC guy definitely did not have kids. I said, "wait is your name _____..." The guy laughed and said, "Oh no!" We walked back outside. A woman walked up that had the same hairstyle as me. He whispered, "say nothing." He smiled at her and she waved. He said to her, "this place is crowded, let's go down the street." I nodded. 2 minutes later, OKC guy walks up. He is 6 feet and he looked better than his pictures!  He shook my hand and did not gawk at my boobs. I told him the story and he laughed. Stay tuned for more details...

Sometimes I wanna kick AMEX in the box

I have a love/hate relationship with American Express.  Way back in my nursing days I had the green card. I kept getting things in the mail saying, "As a small business owner you deserve the benefits of a corporate gold card." I would always shread them and put it in the trash. One day I was feeling a bit frisky. I filled it out, called my company Sassy Inc. and made my cat Penelope the VP of Sales. A few days later I got a gold card. As the years have gone on they moved me up to a platinum. I can kick it into the airline rooms and drink all the coke and eat all the crackers I want. Every once in a while AMEX will call me to update their files. They ask, "What is Sassy, Inc.?" I always say I specialize in accessories. One night when I was married to John I used it to pay for dinner. The server (a young girl) asked "What is Sassy, inc.?" John replied with a straight face, "We pimp out baby strollers. You can get spinners, different colors, racing stripes, whatever you want." I kept a straight face and nodded. She said, "that is so COOL!" (he did have some good qualities...) It got to be a game of who could come up with the craziest description of the "company."

When the economy tanked they decreased my limit from unlimited to $50,000. (First of all, who needs a 50k limit?). I understood because it was the creditors protecting themselves. Today I got a letter saying "Congratulations, you can spend all you want" (not the actual wording). Cuckoo. AMEX is the one you gots to pay at the end of the month. I've had some months where I've opened it and said bad words. It's comforting to know I can go buy a Porsche now if I want to.

The VP of Sassy, Inc. May she rest in peace. The cat that used to bring me dead fish when I lived on the beach...PENELOPE. Here she is taking a break between meetings.

Big News on the Man Front

I know I haven't been blogging as much as I used to...I've been really distracted. I've been afraid to tell anyone until I was sure. John got in touch with me a couple of months ago. We started emailing and talking on the phone. He came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I realize I never stopped loving him.  I visited him last weekend. We have decided to get back together. We are going to start long distance at first. I know it sounds wacky but he is the one.  ha ha. April Mutha Fuckin Fools!

Is there a statute of limitations on hurt and anger?

I got an email yesterday from a guy that read the blog. He commented that it was intense and that meant I was intense. He also said there was a lot of energy and he wasn't sure if it was anger. He commented how I was obviously stung by a man and hurt by it so many years ago. I read the email a couple of times to make sure I understood it. I felt my cheeks turn red. Not anger...embarrassment. He asked if I felt like it would make it difficult for me to get into a serious relationship again. Email is so hard to get sometimes--I'm in a thing with my boss right now about communication gone haywire. But back to this...I've never censored what I write. I certainly have hit "publish" and then wondered if it was too much. Usually the posts that make me a bit nervous are the ones I get the most emails saying things like, "I feel that way too!"

I don't think the guy meant the email to be mean--he was just writing what he thought. I replied and said I wrote how I felt at the time. I laughingly thought to myself should I change the blog name to the "She-Woman Man Haters Club"? Then I really thought about it. Can you put a timeline on anger? Is there an acceptable amount of time to be hurt before a siren goes off telling you that your time is up? I've got 2 kinds of readers on here. Close friends and complete strangers. My friends would say I am not this bitter woman punching her way through life. I told him in my reply that I did not feel defensive, but I will admit this morning I am starting to feel like I should type things like "but, but, this, this and this happened....!" I'm not going to do that. 3 years ago I could have eaten my way to 200 lbs, drank a bottle of wine a night, stayed on my sofa watching some dumb ass Housewives show and chanted "All Men Suck" until the end of time. Instead I gained 10 lbs, drank 2 glasses of wine a night and ate tortilla chips for dinner while watching trendy series on HBO and Showtime while chanting, "I can't believe I didn't see it."

I think there is a continuum of hurt and anger. We all have different timelines and don't necessarily process things the same way. I met a couple of guys post John that were toxic (Spencer and SOB). It makes sense that if I was still mired in the gunk that I would attract equally unhappy people. 

Perhaps this is an opportunity for a new invention? Chappelle hit on it in one of his sketchs:

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