Oprah, Cialis and Pictures--Oh My!

I tape Oprah every day. I am watching one tonight on women who were betrayed by their spouses. Many of you have written to me about how reading the posts have helped you as you deal with the realization that your spouse or partner has cheated. The stories on this particular episode make John look like a saint. One woman just made a point that really resonated with me. She said she felt like the betrayal cancelled out all the happy memories. I totally relate to that. I remember sitting down at John's lap top and hitting "select all" and deleting all the pictures of us together. He was so angry. He sent me numerous emails telling me that I had "taken away all his memories." I responded, "you took away my trust, my self esteem and most importantly my family." He never got it and he never will. He was focused on pictures that showed what concerts he attended, where he traveled, and the parties we had. It was all a lie. Oooh...Oprah just said, "Red Flag!" She wanted to know if the betrayed woman saw the red flags. I just remembered another one. It is embarrassing to admit, but I get to hide behind the name Penelope and a cartoon. One weekend I was visiting John. I went to Lafayette. Usually we stayed in New Orleans or we went to the camp. I can remember it vividly. I was in the master bath. I sat down to pee and I glanced down at the trash. On top of the crumpled trash was an empty prescription bottle. We were planning to get married. I knew John didn't take any prescription meds. I leaned over and read the label-Cialis (in the same class as Viagra--to make the winkie hard). I grabbed the bottle. It had John's name on it and a date less than a month prior. It was for 5 pills and was written by his friend Marc, an ER physician. I was still sitting. My heart raced. John never had issues in the erection department. This was weird. My hands started to sweat. This was after the LSU game incident. Things had been going really well. He knocked on the door and asked me if I was okay. Wait, let me make it real--, "Baby, you okay in there?" I flung the bottle back in the trash, washed and headed out. He was all smiles and asking me if I was ready to go to dinner. This was the trip where we went house hunting in anticipation of my move to Lafayette. This really worried me. We went to the restaurant and I told John I needed to talk to him. I told him what I found and told him I was confused. He was so smooth. "Baby, I got them to use with you. I've moved them into my travel kit." I wasn't satisfied.  I pressed on. I asked why? Had he taken any? There were never issues. He laughed and said his friend Marc said it made things "fun". He turned on the charm. He had this way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the room. I suppressed my worries. It was always in the back of my mind. I'm all over the place, but I know you guys are tracking with me. Back to the subject of betrayal making you feel like all the good times were cancelled out. I had tons of pictures on my lap top. I remember having the courage to open them up after I moved to Tampa. With my glass of wine as reinforcement I clicked on my iphoto. My stomach turned as I looked at our wedding in Jamaica, trips to Las Vegas, Chicago, Seattle, Asheville, D.C., Philadelphia, South Beach, Destin, Mexico, videos of the boys wake boarding, John singing me songs, me dancing...it was all too much. Select all, delete, sip wine, empty trash in photo program, gulp wine, heart racing, stomach churning, turn off lap top. Open bag of tortilla chips. Insert chip after chip into mouth. Drink more wine. I felt like 4 years of my life had been erased. Overnight, I had gone from being a wife, a step Mom and having a "family", to being single and looking for a place to live. Sidebar--when I say "family" I mean the day to day unit I had with John and the boys. Sulie is my family. Oprah just laid a little Maya Angelou down, "People always show you who they are. They will show you over and over again." For example, John is a liar. He lied about his previous 2 marriages to Annie. He lied about why the marriages ended. John is a cheater. He cheated on Annie and I can't tell you how many other stories I heard after I left. He showed me who he was. I chose not to see. Not being hard on myself. Just an observation. Penelope is a work in process. I still have a hard time trusting that the good times were truly "good" times. I talked to Annie about this at length. She had a different perspective because of her boys. she said she had to remember them fondly because of her sons. The more I think about it, I don't know if I even need to put the memories in a "good" box or a "bad" box. I just remembered--I don't save boxes!

I would love to hear what you think on this--comment below or you can send me a personal email by clicking my picture on the left.  XOXO Penelope