Choices

I am watching the Oprah interview with Rielle Hunter. Almost immediately, the screen got blurry and Rielle got shorter and fatter with black hair and slanted eyes and I became Oprah. She keeps talking about how she lives an "authentic" life. I don't know if I will watch the whole thing. It is putrid. Oprah's body language and questions are right on. She said something to the effect of "I didn't know the state of his marriage", when Oprah asked if she knew he was married when she started seeing him. Like it would make it okay? It reminded me of when I called Dao and we talked for a couple of hours. I asked her, "did you know about me?" and she replied, "yes, he told me you were great but he needed more." Oprah made the statement, "you can make choices". It makes me thing of something I have brought up several times in therapy--why do people cheat? Why doesn't self control kick in? I always want the cheater to see what they are doing is wrong and to stop. It just doesn't work that way.

Many years ago in a Penelope life that I am not proud of I was the "other woman." I rationalized that it was okay because he did not live with his wife and he told me they couldn't afford a divorce. One night I went by his house and I was surprised to see his wife was there. She went off on me and screamed, "how could you do this?" I calmly asked her what about his responsibility? She said it was all me. I told her how sorry I was and I left. He told me they never talked about it again after that night. Crazy! Ironically, last year I had a date and I met the guy at a local bar. He was sitting at the bar when I got there. I sat down and looked at the woman next to me--it was her! She looked at me and I saw the recognition register in her eyes. She looked the other way and kept drinking. She was alone. Since then I have seen her several times drinking alone. I sat there thinking, "I know she thinks I am shit". I smiled and talked to the guy and could not wait to get out of there!

Why do I tell you all this? A few of my friends have told me they feel uncomfortable reading some of my stories because they've had affairs. I have never cheated on a partner, but I have been the cheatee. It didn't matter that their marriage was dead and they lived apart. She was just as devastated. Sometimes I wonder if the John/Dao thing was some fucked up type of karma for my years spent with a man who despite what he said or where he lived, he was married. In case you're wondering, he is the one I refer to as "Dillhole".