How to spot a LIAR

My guy friend (hmmm...what shall I call him? yes, he will be "Costa") and I talk about body language a lot. We're in sales. We were surprised when we realized we had both read books by Paul Ekman. There are really intersting studies on facial expressions that are authentic vs. forced. Costa and I have talked about lying when it comes to business (i.e. when we didn't trust a word our old VP was saying).  We talk about posture and facial expressions in interviews.  How a person looks when they are remembering something (up and to the right) vs. lying about something (up and to the left). (Disclaimer--there are variables to this please don't try on your partner and decide they are lying).

I think back now to how John carried himself. In retrospect there are some telling things I recall. He was always looking up. I wish I could remember which way. He always used "baby" when he was trying to be convincing. Recall when I asked if he had a girlfriend (sadly I was joking at the time) and he replied, "baby, I want to look good for you."  He would also stare me in the eyes when I was asking him direct questions.  Now I know he was trying to convince me that he wasn't lying!  Before the infamous day of awakening-10/27/07, I had been in Palo Alto for a meeting.  When I checked into the hotel I was told I had a package. It was a box from John.  He had gotten me a new Mont Blanc pen. The week before I had torn the house apart looking for my nice pen that my old teammates had given me when I was promoted.  I was obsessed with finding it.  He went and bought the same exact pen and enclosed a lovely note telling me how much he loved me.  Later, after I had done my own CSI on his BlackBerry and email, I figured out he was already with Peach Flower when he sent me the pen. He was a frickin cliche!  He had also brought me flowers the week before...

So what do I do with all this moving forward? You may wonder if I have dared to dip my toe in the dating waters? I've gone through phases. As you can imagine this whole nightmare was quite damaging to the old self esteem.  I've tried all kinds of Internet dating with marginal results. I will actually switch the tone of this blog to dating after January 1. I have worked through lots of gruesome shit and I feel like I've come out of the muck on the other side.  The counselor I went to when I first moved back really focused on red flags.  Not in a blaming way--more about what was it about that I was willing to compromise and accept less than what I deserve?  There was definitely something there.  I knew that there were issues with John (I had caught him in some significant lies prior to our marriage-never cheating.)--but I always forgave him.

I will tell you this--I can't tell you how many guys I have not given a second thought to because I see the red flags right away. I'm not the bitter beeotch that trusts no one--I just call a spade a spade.

Remember the story about leaving the LSU game to fly home when I found out John had lied about his previous marriage(s)? I went home and refused his calls.  I called Annie (the mother of his boys).  She was very kind. She laid it out for me.  Her quote, I remember like it was yesterday, "what do you want--someone to have fun with or a relationship? He is not someone to have a relationship with."  That was on Sunday.  Monday evening he showed up on my doorstep with flowers.  He told me he didn't mean to not tell me--he had "forgotten" since they were young when they were married the first time.  I didn't crumble right away.  I kept my arms crossed.  I can't remember what made me break.  The guy is smooth.  As my old shrink used to say, "he is in sales and he SOLD you!"