Emotional Procrastination

It has been a busy week and I am heading out the door. This theme has been running through my mind since I wrote the Procrastination post. It is about Emotional Procrastination. I've done it, I bet you've done it...it's about knowing you need to make a change and move on, but you are so stuck you can't (or you think you can't). I have several friends that are in the throes of Emotional Procrastination right now. I won't write about their personal issues. I can generically say they are the things we all deal with--(sing with me) "Should I stay or should I go now!" It can be a suck ass job, a dead marriage, or a one-sided friendship.

I think back to times I have emotionally procrastinated. The big one that comes to mind is an on/off relationship I had with a guy (previously referred to as Dillhole) for over 10 years. Now that is procrastination! He vacillated so many times. He would tell me he loved me so much, then in the next breath I deserved better and we should stop seeing each other. It was an emotional roller coaster and I kept getting on and off the ride. The Penelope/Dillhole relationship is a whole other blog. I'm not sure I can or want to delve into that one. I will tell you that when I moved back to Tampa after the whole John thing I saw him a whole new way. I used to think he was so confident, smart, caring, funny...you know, all the things you look for in a guy. The man I saw when I moved back was tired, bitter, fairly self centered and not very interesting. Did he change that dramatically or did I change?

The reason I go into to this is: WOW, I wish I could have done some type of magical trip into the future to see how I would eventually feel about this guy. It is similar with all my past relationships. I look at them and think, "WHAT was I thinking???" Then is no guy that I look back and say, "Wow, should have let him go..."

Bringing it back to Emotional Procrastination. I think it is being so stuck in the shit you are in that prevents us all from seeing a future without the (insert problem--crappy job, crummy spouse, friend that is selfish, etc.) Also, it is easy to say, "well maybe it will get better..." With John it was so in your face (i.e. the gruesome texts to his soulmate) that my choice was easy. I do get that we all have varying pain thresholds. I hear some stories from my friends and I think I would have left years ago while they seem to think there is hope.

There are all kinds of teachings that talk about staying in the moment. I really try to do that (very tough by the way). I do think there is a time when looking forward is positive. I think from this point on if I am struggling with a "Should I Stay or Should I Go" dilemma, I will think to the future without that (man, job, friend, 10 lbs, etc) I am thinking of leaving behind. I may have wasted the best years of my ass on Dillhole (he got to see it off and on during ages 28-39 and he saw it again at 42!), but with years comes wisdom.