Conference Calls

Annoy the shit out of me. They are the same no matter what company you work for or who is on the call. Let me break it down:

• 5 minutes before start time.  Idle chit chat with the leader about the weather and football. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• Call starts--leader does role call. The same losers that are always late are not an the call. The leader asks people to call them and remind them. Wastes 5 more minutes. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• Late losers dial in. Multiple apologies such as, "I was with a customer" and my favorite, " I was on hold with the conference call number." I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• Leader repeats the agenda that he or she has sent to you 5 different times. 5 more minutes wasted. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• Call finally starts. There are at least 2 people not muted. You hear, "Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try our super pig value meal today?"  and someone having a conversation with their neighbor about the upcoming block party. The leader keeps saying, "can everyone mute their lines?" while you hear the McDonald's cashier say, "That will be 6.51 please." I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• The call hoggers (every team has them) butt in constantly and talk about what success they've had. It is usually the same story they told on the call last week. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• I entertain myself by texting the teammates that are part of my circle of trust. When my boss says "Penetrating the market" we write texts like, "He said penetration." I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• The call is winding down and I hear a toilet flush and a dog barking. There is silence and then laughter followed by several beeps of people trying to mute their phones. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• The call ends and the leader says, "I will send you a recap." 2 seconds later my email dings with an email recapping the call we just had.  I laugh because they had to have written before the call. I stay muted and think "you are all tools."
• This usually takes up 60-90 minutes of my time.