I'll admit it--I've read a couple of articles about Tiger's divorce. His ex wife, (one moment while I look up the spelling of her name...), Elin, has stated that she feels like she lived a lie. There are all kind of nasty comments that she should have known, she sold her soul for money, blah, blah. I totally get the concept of feeling like your life was a lie. I still struggle with the fact that what I thought was real, was lies from May of 2004 to October of 2007. It's a weird feeling. Like being in a coma. I know I have referenced the Red Flags throughout the blog. They were Delayed Red Flags. Well, they were there. I didn't see them. I needed Magic Decoder Glasses to see the Red Flags!
I used to lie awake at night and run things through my mind--particularly all the things I found out about other women and finances. I will think about all the guys golf weekends, trips to New Orleans and all the times I couldn't get him on the phone. It used to drive me crazy. Now I'm done. It is in the past. I can't go back and change it.So was my life a lie for 3.5 years? Some could say that John's life was a lie. Not mine. I worked my ass off at being a good Step Mom and Wife. I busted my ass at work in a really stressful job. I made efforts to fit into a culture that felt like part third world country, part sorority and part Beverly Hillbillies. People--I was in a Mardi Gras Krewe! I tried, damn it! I shit you not...
Can someone "live" a lie? I'm not sure. I have to think the liar has to face his or her thoughts at night just like we all do. As I drift off to sleep, I think about the day, the past, what I need to do the next day. Doesn't a person who cheats and lies do the same thing? How's Tiger sleeping? Does Special Ops Boy get into bed and sweat as he lays next to his wife and his baby cries? How did John sleep next to me? How did he sit across the dinner table? Who knows. That is their shit. All I can do is think about my thoughts. I am choosing to not see that I "lived a lie" for over 3 years. I lived like I always do--doing the best I can and always trying to be a better person.
I have read this posting a few times, and must say, drawing from my own experiences of living with a liar, and not having it obvious to me either, that I think you, like I, was immersed in what you perceived to be the truth of your relationship. One believes the spouse is honest, trustworthy, faithful, and fully intent on having a respective relationship, unless proven otherwise. Being involved as a wife, step-mom, etc. made your life the "truth" of your ill-fated marriage because you did not know - nor could you foresee what was being done to you. You invested your energy, time, heart, soul and mind into your marriage and you were the one betrayed. Does that make it "living a lie" --- I have analyzed that thought hundreds of times myself, and through self analysis, deep thoughts (insomnia nights) and therapy --- it is clear the "lie" was him for me, just like the lie in your relationship was your husband. People will always tell us, "how could you not know?" "weren't you suspicious?" and until we see it with our own eyes -- there is an idealistic part of ourselves (also self protective) that makes us want to believe this cannot be happening to me, he said he loved me, etc. In retrospect it is easy to connect the dots (his lost weekends, his phone call avoidance, and more) and beat yourself up for not seeing what you think should have been obvious, (those red flags) but when they say "Love is blind" -- it honestly is, because we are often slow to admit or see the faults of those we love, and especially those we marry, because we go into the relationship with positive intent. It is harder when you have been hurt in the past, and you really put yourself out there, despite your protective walls, and something bad happens (again)....but the burden of having lived a lie is on the lying cheat, and he is responsible for dealing with his consequences. So everytime something bad happens, I hope he thinks, "this is because I was such a bad husband". I have to believe in the end karma, fate, St Peter at the pearly gates --- whatever it is ---- will deal the hand the lie living jerk deserves. I am a fairly new visitor to your blog, and I read them in order, from start to current, and found inspiration and hope for myself in your evolving journey. You set upon a path of "new" for yourself, and it seems like you are doing a great job, and you have incredible strength, but it is a process that will take a long time, and won't have instant results because you had to question all that you believe and held dear, and most of all you faced (and conquered) extreme betrayal. Keep moving onward - because you do/are doing the best you can each day, and you are trying to be a better person, and by going public, you have helped many others in the same way. In closing, thank you --- we may still analyze the "whys" as we search for that elusive closure, but we know each day brings us closer to being "done".
ReplyDeleteGood for you...your ex may have lived a lie, but you did not. You were doing your best to make it all work. Hey, these assholes have to look at themselves in the mirror. Will they ever recognize that they are assholes? Maybe not. Narcicists are that way. We have talked about Karma though, haven't we? That bitch Karma will catch them with their pants down, most likely.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny you both reference Karma. I do believe in it. I wished some July stuff on John when this first happened. Thanks to wine, Xanax and therapy (in that order), I started to let it al go. I've learned how John lost his good paying job and is now doing something at probably 1/3 the pay. He got his self worth from his possessions. He may not have his pants around his ankles literally, but he sure does metaphorically.
ReplyDeleteI think LIARS live just fine being liars. My ex is on his third "real" wife (thats what he calls them because I dont count to him) These have all been good, smart, pretty women. but they fall for the LIE! once they figure him out, he lets them go. its no fun to him anymore once they are onto him I guess. He lies about everything. total narcisist.
ReplyDeleteIm not sure if he will ever get what is coming to him. I hope karma bites him really hard. but as of right now. he has a big song on the radio and is married to a girl who has money. I am sure he sleeps fine. he doesn't know any different. he has been at it a LOOONG time......