Sleeping Together

Sulie sent me an email last night--The subject line was Doing it in your 40s. It simply read:

you are putting a lot out there….but I am laughing,

I noticed she had a comma at the end like she was going to say more. I called and asked her if I should take it down. I reasoned that referencing the Barbara Bush is WAY less personal than the other things I've written. Besides, I've got the safety of the Penelope name and cartoon picture, right? She said no to taking it down and the fact that it made her laugh was almost like a litmus test for appropriate vs. inappropriate. I emailed Special Ops Boy last night. He told me once that he went a year without having sex during the divorce. That was the subject of my email last night. I had gathered in our various conversations that he was pretty devastated by his ex wife. It would come up now and then. I recall one quote where he said, "she took out my heart, threw it on the ground and stomped on it." Pretty vivid. He was married to her for 16 years. He told me he never strayed (and I believe that). They grew up in a small town in Pennsylvania and got married really young. She cheated on him while he was deployed somewhere faraway, hot and yucky.  I had sent him a link to the blog a while ago. In his reply today, he said that he had read the blog a bit. He also wrote something really nice--essentially that I had nothing to do with all the events. It was John's deal. I had never told him the gruesome details of John. I kept it to the top line info only--he cheated, she is Vietnamese, I have Asian issues...I never thought I would be with anyone other than John. That is why I was such a wreck when it came down to doing it with Special Ops Boy. I asked him to show me his military I.D. I had a taser in my bedroom. I can see it now--"Hold on a minute, could you please stop strangling me so I can reach down and get my taser? Thanks". Sidebar--About a year ago, Birch told me that my approval rating had gone up in his eyes since I had a taser at my bedside and I was doing it with a killer (the killer part was Birch's own assumption--Special Ops Boy is in intelligence and we don't talk about that stuff.) I just had a revelation. Special Ops Boy (SOB now), was safe. He was hurt. I was hurt. He was clear that he did not want more than what we did. I had so much distrust in all men. There was no way I could have started any type of "relationship" back then and that was not what either one of us were looking for. I couldn't imagine lying down, closing my eyes and falling asleep next to anyone ever again. Off and on for the first year after I left Louisiana I would have flashes of my view from my bed in Louisiana. If I was on my right side I could see a bit of street light from the street. If I was on my left side I would have the ManGroomer next to me and if the moon was full I would see the light through the blinds. It would freak me out to have flashes of those memories when I was alone and in my own bed in Tampa. The first time I actually spent the night with a boy was hard. I couldn't fall asleep for the first hour and when I finally did go to sleep, I would wake up and toss and turn. Spencer would comment on how I would always want to leave to go back to my place. There is something about "sleeping" next to someone that is very personal. Oh I'll do it with you--I just don't want to close my eyes next to you!

I just remembered something. When John and I went on our first trip together I could not sleep. He got really upset. He said he would wake up and see my eyes open. Maybe I knew?  I think back to all the boys in the past. That can be my Red-Flag-O-Meter. If I can fall asleep it is ok. 

I feel that Special Ops Boy needs to be made into a cartoon. If he was a cartoon, he would look like this:

Well, not really because he is much higher up in the Navy than the Dixie Cup on the head stage, but I like the symbolism of no facial features.