Assholes and Liars Get to Keep Real Names

Back from the trivia tournament. Very fun. 2 Rolling Rocks on board and ready to blog some more...

So, believe it or not, SOB replied:

I don't really now how to respond.  My biggest apology is useless and probably meaningless. I understand.  But am truly sorry. I will not make the usual excuses.

Oh Girl, and I responded....this is the abridged version. I took out some graphic things to protect me. Recall that assholes and liars get to keep their real names...I will stop at first names. He is a liar and a cheat. His name is Joe and on here he will be Joe Dirt.

I am actually very surprised that you responded. I had figured you would be a coward and not reply. 

What would really help me put this in a compartment in my brain to store away and never open again is for you to answer a couple of questions:

1. I know we weren't connected in any way other than fucking, but why me of all the other people to just fuck? You may not like me beyond sex, but I sense that you see I'm a decent woman. Why me? 

2. What about this pitiful Jill? Is this a green card deal? That would not be your style. Do you love her? Do you have some fucked up arrangement? She must have kids for you all to have such a big home. I figured you may have a child together.

3. I have already made an appt for an exam. I don't think you'll tell me, but are you fucking others in addition to your wife and now me? 

4. You know I'm pretty smart and Internet savvy. Did it cross your mind that I could easily find this out if I decided to look? 

I've had such a hard time trusting men. On Monday night when I pulled up the marriage record I didn't want to believe that you were another liar. I even compared your signature on that document to an old mortgage of yours I found on the Internet. It made me feel like puking. Not because I was in love with you or even liked you. I had an ideal of Special Ops Boy/Joe in my head. I thought you were this great guy that had been really hurt in the past that was my kind of helper to healing and going back out into the world. Now all I can think is you are another cheater with no regard for anyone else but yourself. I flew to NM to fuck a married guy and I didn't even know it! 

I didn't puke. I didn't cry. I hit the snooze button a couple of times on Tuesday because I didn't feel like getting up.   

I will not harass you or stalk you. I think you know me better than that. I will not let your self created chaos touch me.

Please answer my questions. I deserve that. After I get my answers I will go away. I think I have proven to you that I keep my word over these last couple of years. 

Why me?

Shitting Fish Sticks

So on Monday night I took a sleeping pill and I was out before my head hit the pillow. I had set the clock for 06:30. I hit snooze several times because I really didn't want to lift my head off the pillow and think. Ugh. I got up and did my thing. I went through my day debating whether I should confront him or just let it go. I decided to write him an email. Dear Readers, you know I have a bit of a sarcastic side and I enjoy "colorful language." This is not for the faint of heart. I am going to exclude personal bits becasue I do have some decorum....


Note: I wrote the email to him like he was writing it to me. Background: He did tell me about dating a British woman in the Middle East before we met and he did tell me they were going to date again back in October of 2008. We didn't talk about it much since he moved. In his defense (and there ain't much of one) later we had talked about meeting up and I questioned whether or not he had a girlfriend. He told me my question made him think and we agreed not to see each other. I assumed this time they were not longer together. Remember assume makes an ASS out of U + ME. Dating and getting married are two different things in my dictionary.


Dear Penelope,

It was great to see you the other night! I keep thinking about the great blow job you gave me. It was such a nice distraction after all the training I’ve been doing. I really appreciate you being open to getting together without strings. It is really unfortunate that I have not told you I am married. I got married in January of 2009 to XXXXX. I rationalized that I didn’t owe you an explanation since we were not emotionally involved. So the British woman I had told you that I was working on “seeing where the relationship went” is in actuality my wife. We have a big house in Hughesville, Maryland. As you can imagine, 4,000 square feet is a lot for just two people. You can probably guess why we need the space.

What is even more disappointing, is the fact that I never gave you the option of deciding whether or not you wanted to fuck a married man. I should have known that  you more than anyone else deserves better than that. You have been through so much heartbreak over the last couple of years. I also know that you are really struggling with trying to believe that there are really good people out there. I wonder why I thought it was ok to conduct myself this way? I hide behind my whole Special Ops Intelligence persona. I really am a very sad person.

I sure hope I did not give you some type of STD. I preyed on your trust and your fear of being hurt again.  I made the mistake of playing off my birth date with my typical coy responses. Little did I know it would not sit well with you and the expression on my face led you to do some easy searching on the Internet that brought up my marriage record to XXX in Hillsborough county. It looks like all my recent training did not prepare me well for how I conduct myself in my personal life.

I will most likely shit fish sticks tonight wondering how you will respond to this information. You have my home address and wife’s name.  I was really sloppy when I was commenting on being “Googlable”. If I would have played it cool, you never would have done a search. I knew that you did a deep search once in the very beginning to make sure I was divorced.  You would never dream that I would get remarried so fast and lie. My risky behavior is very out of line with the façade I project. I may have to stop at the drugstore and buy Imodium.

One thing in my favor is that I know you are a very level headed woman and you see me for who I am. I need the adrenaline that this type of chaos provides, whereas you do not.

Thanks for everything,


Special Ops Bastard


More soon. Going to a trivia tournament. I think all my answers are going to RED MUTHA FUCKIN FLAG!

Silly String

Remember that stuff Silly String™ when we were little? I always wanted some but my Mom wouldn't buy it. Let's talk about strings...

I waved goodnight to Sulie as my stomach churned. How could I be so stupid? In my efforts to remain "no strings", I ended up being lax in watching for red flags. I reasoned that I didn't need to. This wasn't a relationship. This guy had been devastated by his ex wife and he knew what I had been through. This was safe in a distant way (or so I thought). I googled him in the beginning. I didn't realize I needed to do a monthly background check.

Back to strings. The term "no-strings" to be exact. Here is a cut and paste from my friend L. She is about 10 years older than me and very wise.

You know, I’m looking at this from a distance and in hind sight.  And nothing I say here is meant as a judgment in any sense.  Lord knows I’ve been there and done that and very few do I regret.  With that said I’ll move on.

I think this entire situation can be chalked up to a very tired and worn label…….Mars vs Venus.

A man’s definition of ‘no strings’ is a prostitute for free.  I don’t believe any further explanation is necessary here.

A woman’s definition of ‘no strings’ is a prostitute for barter.  While there is no expectation of an emotional commitment there are rules and strings.  Honesty, reasonable communication, sharing small pieces of yourself, respect, advance notice, etc. are strings to a man but an expectation for a woman; it is the barter piece.  And ‘no marriage license’ is a definite rule.  When a woman says no strings it really means good, easy sex as long as her partner is honest, sharing, respectful, etc.  I know very few women who can walk away from a good romp with a ‘gee, that was nice’ and not remember his name or what he looked like or wanting a little bit more than just his dick.  Flashing back to ‘Fear of Flying’ by Erica Jong, I believe it was called the ‘zipless fuck’.  All very nice in theory but rare for a woman in practice.  Woman think about it and thinking negates no strings.   HE heard one thing but SHE said something else.

As long as you care and need things like honesty and communication you cannot truly ever have a no strings encounter because you will continually change the rules midterm.  However, he gave you exactly his definition of no strings.  If you really do not want a repeat of this scenario then you have to change your behavior and/or be quite clear of your definitions and expectations.  Maybe try liking someone a little stronger and the wanting more is the sex; not the other way around.  Unfortunately, this usually means giving up sex with a partner for a period of time.  Hell, I did it for almost 3 years and it was no fun at all.

My opinion for what it’s worth.

L is very straight and to the point. Please don't think she is being harsh. She speaks the true. This is part of why I was afraid to blog about this. I had broken my cardinal rule--watching for Red Flags!!! In my defense, I trusted this guy. You may say out loud, "WTF, Penelope?" He was kind. I think I felt like his position in the Navy also meant he could be trusted. He talked to me on Sunday night about my blog post about holding hands. He was so encouraging. This was the kind of guy that would not intentionally hurt a woman. I let me fear of being hurt (i.e. being in a real relationship) cloud my judgment. Big mistake.

So a few posts back when I posed the question if women could fuck like men? I am still undecided. If SOB was not fucking MARRIED I would have gone on my way happy to hear from him every once in a while. Now I have this nasty dirty feeling about the whole thing. I didn't moon over this guy after I would see him. On Sunday night we talked about a couple of things life related where I thought to myself (Ew, I could never like you, like you). Not physically--I am talking about just the general way of viewing life.

So, thanks to his self created chaos, this went from no-strings to Silly String.

More in a bit. This shit drains me...

Operation: Liar

At first I was not going to blog about this--I just told Sulie on the phone, "I have changed my mind, I am going to blog the shit out of this." Note: this post will only make sense if you have read the blog from the beginning.

Before I weave my tale, I will tell you the reason I was initially not going to blog about this. It was 2 simple reasons:

1. I'm embarrassed
2. I get so many emails from strangers telling me that I give them hope. This story is a bummer...

So, everyone is familiar with Special Ops Boy and knows that I saw him last Sunday. It has always been a "no-strings" (more on that phrase later). He was going to be in Tampa and we agreed to spend the night together while he was here. I had blogged about how weird it is to get ready to see someone that is not a romantic interest (as in how much effort does one put forth).

Leading up to this meeting--I heard from SOB in the beginning of January. I hadn't talked to him in a while. He mentioned he was away at training and we emailed and did the web chat thing. He told me he was going to be in Tampa and we vaguely talked about getting together. He told me he was getting ready to be deployed again. One night I asked his sign. He replied he didn't know. I said everyone knows their sign. He still said he didn't know. I then asked his birthday and said it is easy to figure out the sign from that. I knew how old he was but we had never talked birth dates. He was coy (as he often was). I told him I would Google it and find it. It was all just idle chit chat. After we signed off I easily found his birthdate and emailed it to him. I didn't get a response, but that was not unusual.  While he was here I said, "you never replied to my email about your birthday. You're a Leo." He said,"because it was wrong." I laughed and said, "it was right." I said "I found it on your old divorce records and then I said his ex-wife's maiden name out loud (love me some myflorida.com). He went off on some lame thing that maybe it was his ex's birthday. He got a weird look on his face. It was dumb. I didn't really care and I let it go.

In the morning he asked me if I had told him he made noises or talked in his sleep. I said that I hadn't said that. He said he must have dreamed it. It was weird. I had a hard time staying asleep (I've blogged about this before). I kept waking up surprised to find a body next to me. It's kind of like when I used to travel a lot and I would wake up in a hotel and not remember where I was. It was so long since I slept with someone. I woke up around 0300, felt his presence and had a fleeting moment of who is in my bed? Crazy.

The night before he asked me about getting back out and dating. He said I should use my Greenlight Cards and get back out there. I talked about it and told him my fears. He was very kind and encouraging. I thought to myself, "this is an icebreaker that will give me the jump start to get back out there (you know the "there" I refer to).

He left early the next morning to go to the base and I seized the day. I got tons of texts and emails asking me how it went. I talked to close friends and posted a vague blog. There was a weird feeling I had and I could not put my finger on it.

That night (Monday) Sulie came over and we made dinner. She was asking how it went. We talked about me being more proactive with being in situations to meet guys, etc. I told her I had a weird feeling. I relayed the birthdate story. Sulie said that indeed was bizarre and told me to get my lap top. I went and got it and set it on the dining room table. Sulie blows me away when it comes to Internet searches. I'm good, but she ROCKS! Her fingers are flying and then I see her cheeks turn red. She looks over at me and turns the computer to me. Special Ops Bastard got remarried in January of 2009 (I had been with him off and on since June of 2008). There was the marriage record in Hillsborough County (county I live in). He had told me he moved to the D.C. area the previous October. Sulie watched me as I read the document. She asked if I was okay. I told her, "yes, but I can't believe he lied like this." She immediately started searching. We found the house records in Maryland and lots of other personal data. Sulie is a p.c. girl and I have a Mac. There are some subtle differences when opening new screens. I moved the lap top back in front of me and took over. I pulled up old documents to compare signatures with the marriage record. I am (was) so naive that I thought there was no way he was such a liar. He has an unusual last name but there are quite a few on the Internet.  I looked a couple of times to prove it was another guy with the same name.  The Queen of Red Flags could not be duped again. Sulie said, "Penelope, this is him."

It was getting late and I was exhausted. In hadn't slept well the night before (perhaps energetically I sensed I had a married, double-life living, mutha fucka in bed with me). We discussed if I would even bother telling him that I knew. I said I would sleep on it....

I'm In A Bad Rotation

One of my guy friends just emailed me about my lying rant. I told him I was really trying to believe that people are innately good (but my beliefs are being tried). He was encouraging and we exchanged emails back and forth. His last one had a great quote---he said one of his friends used to say, "I'm in a Bad Rotation." I love that!

My sister and I have always had a thing with certain birds being a sign. Great Blue Herons remind us of our Father because he had really blue eyes. Egrets remind us of our parents particularly if there is a Great White Egret (Tall like my Dad with white hair) walking next to a Cattle Egret (shorter like my Mom). We will see them crossing the street at the perfect time when one of us is going through a tough time. When I lived on the beach a Great White Egret used to come to my door and I would feed him lunch meat. After my Mom died that egret was at our door all the time. The other day I saw a cattle egret dead in the road. I am a Florida cracker and I can't remember EVER seeing a dead egret. It kinda freaked me out. I didn't tell my sister and I couldn't tell my friends because I sound like freak who speaks to the birds.

So..this is how I am going to work it out in my mind. The dead egret symbolizes the end of my BAD ROTATION!!!

Liars

Last night I found out someone had told me a big lie. I've had lots of experience with liars in my 45 years. The liars have been family members, friends, lovers, bosses and strangers. I have learned that liars will categorize and  justify their lies. Here are some of my favorites:

• I didn't want to hurt you
• It wasn't important
• You didn't ask
• It didn't matter
• Lying by omission

I won't go into this particular lie right now. I stumbled across it by accident and I just let the lying one know that they were busted. I will tell you it is a big one. Ironically it would fall under all the categories-- it was lying by omission, I didn't ask, and if I had to speculate, the other person most likely didn't want to hurt me, felt it wasn't important, and in some fucked up way, thought it did not matter.

I am not Pollyanna. I have lied. This particular lie prompted me to look at myself. When have I lied? I have told friends that their ass does not look big in their jeans. I have told lies to my friend's children --like when little 6 year old Matthew needed  new batteries for my Wii remote. I ran back in my bedroom and came out with 2 AAs. He asked where I got them? I told him from the TV remote (the reality was my vibrator!) I have not told friends when other friends have bad mouthed them (and that I defended my friend). Don't you love it when a friend tells you when you were badmouthed, but it is only so they can tell you how they defended you??? Ugh, but I digress. I have lied to Sulie (yes, I admit it) if I have done something that I think will worry her (usually boy related). 

I have, however, not told the big whoppers. I am talking about the earth shattering, life changing, complete disregard for anyone else lie. I am not trying to be self righteous. It is just not part of my make up. But, what makes it part of other people's makeup? Is it some deep damage in childhood? Narcissism? Apathy? Fear? All of the above?

This liar is not someone close to me. The hurt is not about a connection to this person; it is about the deception. One of my friends (known on here as Big Mama) posted something about liars on her facebook page the other day. Just reading her short post got me agitated. I have such a core aversion to lying. Be fucked up. We all have our "stuff" but don't be a liar. It has been my experience that the lies always come back to bite you--May I present John as exhibit A? Tiger is exhibit B, John Edwards exhibit C, and the list goes on... 

Imagining it so you can avoid it

My friend JCH sent this to me after he read the Emotional Procrastination post. It reminds me of a phrase my first husband used to use--"Better the devil you know." You may think this is a bit weird, but I used to talk to him about Dillhole. My ex-husband (#1, the nice one, the one I am still friends with) had quite an opinion about Dillhole. I remember when I was dating husband #1 (known as Duke on the blog), we were in the shower talking about past relationships. He said, "I don't understand why you are single. You're so together and fun." I told him about the on/off/on/off thing with Dillhole. He couldn't understand that I had spent so much time waiting for this guy. Sadly, I ended up back with Dillhole after my divorce (better the DEVIL you know). Duke tried to reason with me. He encouraged me to date others. I can't tell you how many phone conversations I had with Duke where he tried to reason with me.

So here is a page from a business related book on what the author refers to as "Presentism". This is a concept directed to job search but I agree with JCH that it can be applied to other ways of designing your future whether it is career relationship, etc. If you click on the picture it should get bigger where so it will be easier to read...

So, when I (we) stay in something could it be that we think that is all there is? A lot of what I have worked on both personally and publicly (under the trusty protection of a cartoon picture and alias) is changing my beliefs. Based on my experiences, I had developed the belief that " All Men Cheat". It has been a lot of work changing this belief. I had to adjust what I would see. Every day I hear a minimum of one story of infidelity. It can be from friends, from customers, the news (Tiger Woods anyone?), T.V. shows--my point is that cheating can be in your face everyday. I get heartbreaking emails from blog readers. I love when the writers (both women and men) tell me they feel like they have hope after reading my crazy ass stories. I love that! Many of the emails make John look like a saint. 

I choose what I am going to surround myself to in relation to cheating and my core beliefs. I refuse to believe that all men are pigs. That is why I look for the "Marias" in my day to day life. Last week I had a doctor appointment for a check up. I saw a lovely couple in my doctor's office. They were in their 60's and holding hands (you know me and holding hands...) I started to talk to the wife and she told me about their marriage. She got tears in her eyes when she told me about how much she loved him. I started to tear up just talking to her. I think that every day there is a t least one if not several "Marias" to show me that there is good out there. Soooooooo...what I'm saying is: I choose to imagine good and stop avoiding.

Jenny Sanford Rules!

Got this email from my friend George today...

I just thought I would share this in case you missed it.  I understand you are currently distracted by an eagle.
http://abcnews.go.com/2020/TheLaw/jenny-sanford-granted-divorce-gov-mark-sanford/story?id=9955400

My eagle distraction has passed. It is now business as usual.

P Out

Made you wait long enough...

I must say I never knew how many people truly rooted for me when it came to getting some. This morning I had several emails and texts with various forms of, "so....?????"

Well, you know Penelope don't kiss and tell. I will talk about the feeling, part but not the doing it part. Yesterday afternoon I started to get nervous. My sister and I went to Target. She noticed I was a bit testy. She said, "do you need to explore feelings?" That is Sulie code for "why are you being such a bitch?" I spewed--I worry about how I look naked, it's been so long, maybe I'm better off just staying home and watching a movie, followed by more neurotic ranting. My sister sweetly tells me she doesn't think of me that way, but thinks I look good naked. The laughter made me relax.

It was weird because he was going to spend the night. What about dinner? If this was a boy I liked, I would make dinner and pull out the stops. What do you do for a FWB (friend with benefits for my happily married readers)? It made me realize all the stuff you do when you dig someone. Getting the food they like, the drinks they like, dressing up, the right perfume...I got a bit confused because I knew I needed to prepare, but I wasn't sure how. It is different to prepare and get excited to see someone's appendage vs. getting excited to see the actual person. I don't mean that as a cut to Special Ops Boy. It is just the way it is.

As the clock ticked closer to the time he was supposed to get here I debated whether or not I should pour a glass of wine. I decided I was going to be unassisted by liquid courage. I had bought a kick ass nightie for the night. I left it in my drawer.

So for all the inquiring minds, I did it. I am now ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

The Eagle has Landed!