Last night I found out someone had told me a big lie. I've had lots of experience with liars in my 45 years. The liars have been family members, friends, lovers, bosses and strangers. I have learned that liars will categorize and justify their lies. Here are some of my favorites:
- I didn't want to hurt you
- It wasn't important
- You didn't ask
- It didn't matter
- Lying by omission
I won't go into this particular lie right now. I stumbled across it by accident and I just let the lying one know that they were busted. I will tell you it is a big one. Ironically it would fall under all the categories-- it was lying by omission, I didn't ask, and if I had to speculate, the other person most likely didn't want to hurt me, felt it wasn't important, and in some fucked up way, thought it did not matter.
I am not Pollyanna. I have lied. This particular lie prompted me to look at myself. When have I lied? I have told friends that their ass does not look big in their jeans. I have told lies to my friend's children --like when little 6 year old Matthew needed new batteries for my Wii remote. I ran back in my bedroom and came out with 2 AAs. He asked where I got them? I told him from the TV remote (the reality was my vibrator!) I have not told friends when other friends have bad mouthed them (and that I defended my friend). Don't you love it when a friend tells you when you were badmouthed, but it is only so they can tell you how they defended you??? Ugh, but I digress. I have lied to Sulie (yes, I admit it) if I have done something that I think will worry her (usually boy related).
I have, however, not told the big whoppers. I am talking about the earth shattering, life changing, complete disregard for anyone else lie. I am not trying to be self righteous. It is just not part of my make up. But, what makes it part of other people's makeup? Is it some deep damage in childhood? Narcissism? Apathy? Fear? All of the above?
This liar is not someone close to me. The hurt is not about a connection to this person; it is about the deception. One of my friends (known on here as Big Mama) posted something about liars on her facebook page the other day. Just reading her short post got me agitated. I have such a core aversion to lying. Be fucked up. We all have our "stuff" but don't be a liar. It has been my experience that the lies always come back to bite you--May I present John as exhibit A? Tiger is exhibit B, John Edwards exhibit C, and the list goes on...
The more I thought about this lie the more it bothers me. Not, as you say, because it was a connection, but becasue they knew the history you had, had talked to you abou it, then did the same thing. It's a betrayal.
ReplyDeleteYou know JCH, I have thought about that off and on for the past few days. I have tried to apply sanity and compassion to someone that does not operate in that realm. My feelings or situation does not matter. In his f'ed up mind it is not a betrayal because I don't matter. To out it in a crass Penelope like way--my pussy was collateral damage!
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