Another Preemptive Block...

Choices

I am watching the Oprah interview with Rielle Hunter. Almost immediately, the screen got blurry and Rielle got shorter and fatter with black hair and slanted eyes and I became Oprah. She keeps talking about how she lives an "authentic" life. I don't know if I will watch the whole thing. It is putrid. Oprah's body language and questions are right on. She said something to the effect of "I didn't know the state of his marriage", when Oprah asked if she knew he was married when she started seeing him. Like it would make it okay? It reminded me of when I called Dao and we talked for a couple of hours. I asked her, "did you know about me?" and she replied, "yes, he told me you were great but he needed more." Oprah made the statement, "you can make choices". It makes me thing of something I have brought up several times in therapy--why do people cheat? Why doesn't self control kick in? I always want the cheater to see what they are doing is wrong and to stop. It just doesn't work that way.

Many years ago in a Penelope life that I am not proud of I was the "other woman." I rationalized that it was okay because he did not live with his wife and he told me they couldn't afford a divorce. One night I went by his house and I was surprised to see his wife was there. She went off on me and screamed, "how could you do this?" I calmly asked her what about his responsibility? She said it was all me. I told her how sorry I was and I left. He told me they never talked about it again after that night. Crazy! Ironically, last year I had a date and I met the guy at a local bar. He was sitting at the bar when I got there. I sat down and looked at the woman next to me--it was her! She looked at me and I saw the recognition register in her eyes. She looked the other way and kept drinking. She was alone. Since then I have seen her several times drinking alone. I sat there thinking, "I know she thinks I am shit". I smiled and talked to the guy and could not wait to get out of there!

Why do I tell you all this? A few of my friends have told me they feel uncomfortable reading some of my stories because they've had affairs. I have never cheated on a partner, but I have been the cheatee. It didn't matter that their marriage was dead and they lived apart. She was just as devastated. Sometimes I wonder if the John/Dao thing was some fucked up type of karma for my years spent with a man who despite what he said or where he lived, he was married. In case you're wondering, he is the one I refer to as "Dillhole".

Here's my Man!

The Girl Who Trusts Everyone

I listened to an amazing story on NPR the other day. It was about a little girl that has a syndrome where she trusts everyone. They described it as having no social fear. Pathologically trusting. It seems benign, but it is a real problem. Her Mother spends all day trying to teach her daughter not to be so trusting. She has a rule that she is not allowed to say "I love you" to everyone and anyone. How sad is it that she has to be taught not to say "I love you"?

Trust has been a big deal for me. Now when I think about trust, I will think of that little girl...

Here's a link to the story:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126224885

Freak #3

I've been away at a work meeting but the freaks keep on coming! This little gem is Clrwtrbch1 and he does not have a picture posted. I received this email tonight:

idea: I sell you cosmetics and you sell them at a much higher price to your dear and
personal friends. It will bring them closer to you, especially when they see the premium they are
paying over macy's....and then, there is also that personal trainer-with-murky-qualifications system...
;-)
Anyhow, this is pomme-rouge...what is up, have you judged me as to old from the pix...?

WTF??? He has been blocked.

Snooze Button

This morning I woke up in a hotel. I woke up to the alarm clock going off next door. Over and over again. Every 9 minutes. After the 5th time, I considered beating on their door and saying, "get up!" I thought about it. I am a snooze button abuser too. I can wake up on my own. I always set an alarm just in case. I will wake up at the time I need to get up and wait for the clock to buzz. Once it goes off, I hit the snooze over and over. Studies show that the "sleep" you get after hitting the snooze is no good. For me it is just avoiding getting up and going out to meet with customers that drive me crazy. It is a form of procrastination.

Tomorrow I am getting up at 06:30. There will be no snoozing.

Boxers or Briefs

I think the choice says a lot about a man. I haven't seen whitey tighties since Jimmy in 1982.  Boxers are just more "man-like." I wonder if they think the same way about women's undies? Do they think, "I wonder if she wears thongs or briefs or granny panties...or Spanx™?" On the continuum of sexiness, is the granny panty at the far end (i.e. the non-sexy end) or the Spanx™? So I just googled, "sexy spanx" and I got this. The model is so skinny she doesn't need a pair of fricking Spanx...ps they are $88!

Mushyphuckypants

Okay, I have gotten so many comments about this guy. I just unblocked him for 30 seconds while I took a screen shot and then blocked him again. Whew!

Double Click the picture to see it full screen (if you dare...)

More Blocking...

Since you all liked the other list so much...this one has even better names!

Blocking

More match.com humor. Here is a screen shot of some of the men I've blocked. I think I've blocked at least 50. I stay away from anyone with these words in their screen name:

• Luv
• Passionate
• Handsome
• Drama (as in no drama)
• Any sports team name like--RZRBAK....Ew
• Shy
• Cuddle

Am I too picky????

Freak #2

Got this little gem in my match.com email today from Carlo583:

Hi there,

Can i kiss those curves?

Lawd, doesn't he look like a wackjob? I told Carlo he was on the wrong site and he needed to check out Adult Friend Finders...and then I blocked him! I told you I would get some good shit from this!

Even Porn Queens Need Closure

I could not sleep last night. I did the try to read, turn on the TV dance. I came across a delightful show on HBO called Cathouse. If you are not familiar with this little gem--it is a show about a brothel in Nevada. It is run by a disturbing man named Dennis. He looks like a bloated version of Mr. Clean. On this episode, one of Dennis' old employees and ex-girlfriend (Sunset Thomas) came to see him. She had left without having closure years before. He would cheat on her and it drove her crazy. It made me sad to see her get ready to see him. It was obvious she was nervous. I watched as she walked up to the Cathouse in her suit (that was barely covering her butt) with her hair in a bun (looking conservative) and it hit me...it doesn't matter what we do, (porn stars, prostitutes, waitresses, nurses, sales reps, doctors, scientists) we hurt in a very similar way. 

A few years back I got to know a woman that was hurt by an ex friend of mine. She is an accomplished physician. She has written several papers and went to a prestigious school. I remember thinking, "Wow, she is so brilliant and she still is wasting time on that idiot!" How funny is it that I thought spinning your wheels on a guy was reserved for the common folk? I am saying that with tongue in cheek, but I did have a belief that the super intelligent didn't mess with such things. I don't know why I thought that. There are so many examples of women scorned from all walks of life. Some of the public ones--the astronaut lady (forgot her name, you know, the one that will go down in history as the diaper wearer), Hillary Clinton (oh no--that starts me on a whole list of political wives),  Jenny Stanford, Elizabeth Edwards, Jackie O.,and now celebs-- Elin Woods, Elizabeth Hurley, Jennifer Aniston, Shania Twain, Reese Witherspoon, and last, Tampa folk--Polly's across the street neighbor with a newborn baby, 1 nurse practitioner I know and 2 doctors,...ugh, the list goes on and on. 

I found a funny site while googling "women scorned". Check out the picture of the lady on the left:

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-what-scorned-women-have-done-to-get-even/

The hurt is no different for Sunset as she works in the sex industry or the doctor I mentioned works in the lab all day.

Sunset Thomas...you are much better off without the Bloated Mr. Clean. I bet he owns a ManGroomer™!

Sifting through the FREAKS

My friend Sandy commented that she would live vicariously through me as I sift through the freaks on match.com.

Dear Readers, I present to you Freak #1:

• 43, divorced, no kids, went to Stanford.
• Emailed back and forth. Seemed sane. Name--Chris. Cute in picture. He asked if I would be interested in talking on phone. 
• I said ok. We talk. Almost immediately he goes into a story on how he moved here from Arizona (said that is where he was from...yet he had a very southern accent) to help his sister. Apparently she went through a bad divorce from a physician. Her husband cheated on her and was leading a double life--he had a four year old child in addition to the 2 kids he had with here. Of course, I responded that is awful and I hope she is doing better.
• He proceeds to tell me how she was a size 14, depressed and her self esteem was nil.I said, "I'm sure" (thinking, can we talk about something else?) He then starts to tell me about this great personal trainer he got for her (named Jay) and how she's lost tons of weight and is now a size 6.
• At this point I am thinking of how to end the conversation. I'm at the grocery store and I tell him I need to go. He asks if he can call me later. I say no and get off the phone.

I decided that was my first brush with weirdness and move on. That night at 10:30 my phone rings from a number I don't recognize. I answer. It's "Chris' voice but says his name is Jay and he asks for me. He says he was refered to me as someone looking for a personal trainer. I tell him I can't believe he has called me at 10:30 at night and to not call me again. I hang up. My phone rings again and the number says "Blocked". I let it go to voicemail. I listen to the vm and it is "Chris" in his smooth southern accent telling me that was him that just called and he was "messing with me". He then apologizes for calling so late. I did a reverse look up on both numbers that called me. The first one was a cell with no info and the second one was Get Fit Training. I look it up and see it is owned by a guy named Jay Williams. Okay, freak alert.

Next day I go to my friend Polly's house. We go in her office and I pull up "Chris" on the computer. I start to tell her the story and she stops me. Polly finishes the story about how Chris' sister has gone through this horrible divorce from a doctor that was leading a double life. I screamed and said, "and he got her..." and Polly jumps in and says with me, "A Personal Trainer!!!" Oh my GOD. We were dying. She looks at his picture and says the guy she spoke to had a different picture.

People, I am all for marketing and getting your name out there. But trawling for clients on match.com? Really?

ManGroomer™

I realized I had neglected the ManGroomer™. Is it that it is no longer funny or that I have moved past my ManGroomer™ anger. Oh that shit is still funny. I think I may have moved past my ManGroomer™ anger. 

Getting back on the Horse

Okay, I've done it again. I'm on match.com. One of my friends from Phoenix was down here for spring break last week. We met for lunch.  She's the same age as me and a single Mom. She does the same kind of work as me and finds it challenging to meet guys. She shared with me that she thought she was done with dating (a thought I've had off and on over the last couple of years). She worked through all the stuff after her divorce and decided to try Internet dating. She has been dating a guy for 2 years that she met online. Her now boyfriend sent her a message on match. She liked the email (polite, funny, spell check utilized), but he did not have a picture posted. She wrote back, "What, are you so good looking that you can't post a picture?"  He wrote back a funny reply and they went back and forth a few times. He told her he didn't feel comfortable posting his photo because of his job as a FBI agent (that would be a red flag to me...). He then asked her to dinner and emailed her his photo. Thankfully he was handsome (and not lying). They met at the restaurant (safety first) and hit it off. He sounds like a great guy and he is wonderful to my friend's son.

There were a couple of lessons for me in my friend's story.

1. To have an open mind--I would have immediately thought this guy was not on the up and up (no picture, FBI agent).
2. There are nice guys out there.
3. Her attitude about the whole thing. She had a lot of weirdoes contact her too. She just deleted them and moved on.

So I decided to try it again. I will admit my recent brush with liars has made me a bit gun shy. I do like a challenge. I am going to get back on the Internet dating horse. Besides, it gives me great fodder for my blog. I already have at least 3 good stories. More later.

Life in the Fast Lane

Do you ever wonder how annoying habits start? I think we all start completely innocent and free from annoying habits. And then something horrible happens...it may start as a occasional occurrence. Then the occasional becomes more frequent. Then it is a full blown annoying habit. I have one in the infant stages right now. I have a choice and I am choosing to stop it. It all started as a way to protect myself. I had back surgery a couple of years ago. My surgeon told me to NEVER bend over from the waist again. Do you have any idea how many times a day a person bends over from the waist? I've had to relearn 40+ years of how I pick things up from the floor. So what do I do that is annoying? I started to make a noise when I caught myself bending over the wrong way. It's kind of a combo of "aghhhh" and "Noooooo". As you can imagine it is weird, creepy and all around annoying. It does make me stop what I am doing (bending over in a way that is not good for my spine) and it does make me sound like a freak. My sister started to notice it and kindly told me, "stop!" I noticed I do it more when I am stressed out (like now). At least I am aware.

How many people are in our lives that do annoying things that probably started as a kind of self protective mechanism? There was an individual I used to know that would do this funky, repetitive bending of his wrist when he was nervous. It drove me BONKERS. I knew it was something he did to distract himself, but it was weird. My older sister (who is not in my life anymore) would say, "Life in the fast lane" as a kind of filler in conversation or after she told a story or out of the blue. Can I tell you how many hours of comedy that expression provided for me and Sulie. We still say it at inappropriate times to crack each other up.

So next time you are thinking to yourself, "God, that person is so annoying!!!", pause and think about how all those annoying habits probably came into being...and then make fun of them.

Red Flags with Violence

I watched a recent Oprah with Gavin de Becker as the guest. He wrote Gift of Fear. The book focuses on using insight to protect yourself and stay safe. 

He said something that really resonated with me--"Anybody that doesn't respond to your "no" is trying to control you." It made me think about all my writing about red flags. Here is a cut and paste of his set of red flags when it comes to physical violence. I have gotten emails from readers that have gotten out of abusive relationships. I have also shared with you all that I was abused in my late teens and early 20s. I read through this list and I saw that although John was not physically abusive, he was mentally abusive and I can see parallels with how he was in the beginning of the relationship. I can really see that the abusive boyfriend from long ago totally fit this profile. Sadly, I can see a couple of my friends' husbands in this.

Physical Violence 
Many consider pushing or hitting a major clue that your partner is capable of violence—but Gavin says it's more than that. "It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It's over. The assessment is done," he says. "Being hit doesn't work in relationships, and it usually doesn't get better."

Symbolic Violence 
Symbolic violence is the destruction of objects to intimidate the other person. " The destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home and the wedding gown is torn up," he says. "[If someone throws] a television out a window, the message is, 'I can throw you out the window.'"

Fast-Paced Relationships 
If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. "When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy," he says. "And women feel uncomfortable and they'll tell you: 'Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much.'"

Persistence 
If he won't take no for an answer, it's not because he's smitten. "Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you," Gavin says. "Persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled."

Gavin says the word "no" is different for men and women. "When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation," he says. "A woman who buckles there ... is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don't mean no."

Gavin says some women misinterpret persistence as flattery. "What do most women do with persistence is they say: 'Well, he calls me so often. He writes to me so often. He's always talking about me. He's always getting me gifts,'" he says. "Gifts like a car that he owns, he controls—he's got the navigation system on. Gifts like a phone [so] that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you." 

John moved really fast. I kept saying let's take it slow. I always got replies like, "but I love you baby. I'm 44 I know I want to be with you." He convinced me it was "love" making him move so fast (not wackiness). He would never listen to my "nos". He always persisted. It could be something as simple as where to eat dinner or a big thing like a trip. I watched him use the symbolic violence with his boys. I can't tell you how many times he would throw away something that was important to them (toys or returning a computer to Best Buy). It makes my skin crawl when I think about it.

Oprah made the comment that we are the only species that will get that twinge in our gut (the proverbial red flag) and still go towards the thing we are afraid of. Her guest agreed and said an antelope doesn't sense there is a lion nearby and then go towards the lion.I look back on my life and I think about how many times I ignored the twinge and went towards the lion (Dillhole, John, SOB to name a few).

Putting a Beeotch in her Place

I work with a straight up Bully. A psycho. The beauty of my job is I am based out of my house and I work in the field on my own. The only time I'm with my co-workers is at meetings. Next weekend I work with said psycho at a meeting. It's going to be  in Naples at a beautiful resort. The weather will be fabulous. I am already dreading it. I've had imaginary conversations in my mind of me taking her out at the knees. This is the kind of psycho that is constantly trying to undermine everyone. She bad mouths our boss to everyone. She badmouths everyone to our boss. I had to make a presentation on a conference call last week. A kind co-worker warned me that she was laying for me. It's like a fucking mental chess game and I don't wanna play. Here are some of my sample comebacks when she talks about someone else or is blatantly rude to me:

• Wow, it must be so painful to be this miserable all the time
• Have you ever considered counseling?
• I'm so sorry that everyone else's existence bothers you so much
• I have an idea--how about you refrain from speaking to me ever again unless it has to do with work?
• What happened to you as a child to make you so miserable?
• Whenever she blasts someone just reply, "Noted"
• Ask if she's considered medication
• Stare at her blankly and not respond* this may be the best one

What I have tried in the past hasn't worked--I always defend whoever it is that she is blasting, I walk away from her, I make sure I'm not next to her at meetings, I don't return her phone calls (I text or email her my answer)...I am open to any suggestions.

An Open Letter

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?  How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:        

Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Let's do lunch sometime and compare notes.

        Tiger Woods

I've been to busy to post, so a cut and paste for your reading enjoyment!!!    

LinkedIn to ManGroomer™

Today I was a greeted with a delightful email from LinkedIn notifying me that John had joined LinkedIn. Yippee!!! If only I could reply to the email. This is what it would look like:

Dear LinkedIn,

Thanks for letting me know that John has joined LinkedIn. Now that AssClown is going to be a "2nd Degree Connection" to me on your website. I've burned cards and letters, deleted emails, sold jewelry and had rigorous therapy sessions. He is like herpes, he just don't go away, do he? 

Love,

Penelope

The 5 Stages of Hate

I have 2 girlfriends that are going through divorce. Both of them have children. Both of them are divorcing members of the AssClown Clan™. Both of them will frequently use the phrase, "I hate him." Hate is a big word and a big feeling. I was texting with one of my friends and I told her I thought she would go through stages where the hate would subside. I realized as we were talking about it (via texts since her kids were home) that I now feel a kind of generalized numbness and "Ew!" when I think of John. I have similar feelings for others that range from detached malaise (Alex the bald headed bastard) to laughing freedom (Spencer) to vaguely nauseated pity (Special Ops Boy). All nursing students have to remember the 5 stages of Grief. They are engraved in my brain. I don't have to look them up--Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. If I remember correctly the woman that this work is linked to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross (I just learned an umlaut on a Mac is option U) said that one doesn't always go through the stages in the same order and may not reach every stage. For example, I sadly have a few friends that haven't reached acceptance or they skipped the anger stage in griefing the loss of a loved one. I'm going to take a stab (pun intended) at labeling the 5 stages of grief after figuring out you were with a liar or cheater or a combo of the two which could be a 'Chiar'. 

Cheater + Liar =Chiar

5 Stages of Grief Post Recognition of Chiar

1. LaLa--This is a mistake. There has to be an explanation. He loves me. I just co-sgned a mortgage with him. He got me flowers last week. We just had sex 3 hours ago and he told me he loved me...what's a ManGroomer?
2. Ghetto--I am gonna kill that bitch. Where is that mutha fucka? I'm going to kill him. I'm going to put water in the boat and jet ski gas tanks. I'm going to carve my name in the leather of all his precious Johnson and Murphy shoes. I'm faxing copies of their texts to the director of nursing where she works. Whoa.  I thought all those things back then and I decided to chill...until I logged on to Amazon one cold December morning and ordered a case of Vienna Sausages.
3. Waffler--Why did this happen? Is this karma? I'm nice. He isn't so bad. I know he doesn't love her. Is it because I was involved with Dillhole for so long? Is this pay back?  Wanna go with me to Border's to look at self help books? Maybe we can work this out. I hate him. I hate her. Maybe we could go to a marriage counselor. No way. He's a liar. Why didn't I see it? Maybe I can fix it...
4. Medicator--Where's my Xanax? Is it bad to drink wine every day? I'm so tired. I'm going to take a nap. What can I eat? Do you have any candy around here? I love bread. Do you have any pot? And cookies. Where's my drink? 
5. Present--Wait, listen to this story! Can you believe? I wake up without thinking about him. Days go by and he doesn't enter my mind. Heart no longer races when I think about the lies. A detached numbness is all I feel. I am thinking about now or the things I am working towards instead of the past.

I have ridden the roller coaster of all those emotions. I recall the "Ghetto" stage rearing her ugly ass several times. I didn't know I was capable of such anger. I wonder if she kept the parenting magazines I ordered with the "bill me later" option? I no longer believe that I somehow made this happen. I have learned a valuable lesson about listening to my gut. I don't drink wine every day and I hoard Xanax rather than taking it. I wish I could wave a magic wand and help my friends skip all the stages and fast forward to the Present stage. But alas, no magic wand exists...when I Googled "Magic Wand", this kept coming up:

Age and Attraction

This is a subject that has gotten my friends talking. Perceptions, beliefs and reality around age difference and attraction. I am writing this one as I go vs. having it written in my head. It's 11:25 and beautiful outside. I want to go get on my bike.  Ready, set, go!

I think what is "appropriate" when it comes to age differences can be learned as children from our parents. My Dad was 42 and my Mom was 32 when they were married. I was born a year later. My Dad was completely grey (actually most of it was white). I had an idea in my head from a very young age that being 40ish was very old, even though my Dad was very active. Ironically, if I don't go to the salon every 2.5 weeks, I too, would be 100% grey. Not sexy. That's a whole other post. My parents were 9 years apart in their age. It worked for them, BUT my Dad died at 54. I wonder if that adds to my perceptions around the 40s and 50s? I am remembering my post about my Mom having so many health issues when she was my age. Sulie was 9 when my Dad died unexpectedly. She has almost always dated guys that were older. Conversely, I've always been with guys close to my age with the exception of one guy. My best friend from high school often dated younger guys. The last time we talked she was seriously involved with a 27 year old and she was 43 at the time. Her parents were 11 years apart in age and I remember thinking her Father was ancient when we were in 8th grade. He was in his 40s then. He just seemed old to me. He was a music professor. He smoked a pipe while reading books. Those actions = old to me. A more real time example is my friend AmyD and Jack. They are 10 years apart and a really great match. JCH commented that his better relationships have been with women that are older than him. I think it has to do with the individuals and the chemistry. 

I had a talk with Lynn (therapist extraordinaire) about this subject. She said that people will have an idea in their mind of an ideal mate. She said it is important to check in and see what that ideal is. For instance, when I was in my early 20's the ideal would be tall, athletic, able to party all night, like to do "it" all night, loved music and concerts, didn't need to borrow money from me and had a running car. Now that "ideal" type would be an exhausting LOSER! I do realize I have some of the traits I cared about when I was younger engrained in my mind. Music is really important to me. I have album covers as art on the wall in my kitchen, I have 7,500 songs on my ipod and I still have more CDs to transfer, I couldn't count how many concerts I've been to...It is a real turn off if the guy doesn't know much about music. Ahh...memories, while we were dating John said to me, "I don't like to go to concerts much and I've never heard of more than half the music you play." RED FLAG!

Sandy wrote:

Funny topic, men and the age of attraction.  Now of course I am a married woman, but if I were single, I would have no issues dating older guys.  In general, they are more financially secure and don't act like sex-starved idiots. (I said in general!!  There are exceptions for everything!)  Many don't agree with me though.  I almost got in a fight with my hairdresser (who is only a few years younger than me) over this very topic.  One of my high school friends, still unmarried and is 44, will only date guys younger than her (almost cougarishly younger).  Oh well.  Whatever makes ya happy! 

Sandy brings up a point that Lynn also hit on recently. The sex starved idiot thing. Lynn pointed out that being with someone where sex is their #1 priority may lead to infidelity. What a concept. I got an email from an old boyfriend after he read one of my older posts. He had a excellent point-Sex is important but it doesn't take care of you when you're old. Ironically he was the only boyfriend that didn't cheat on me. 

So, in that full circle way that a lot of my posts take...it brings me back to what am I, you, any of us really looking for in a mate? I am not blaming myself, but it makes sense that I may attract not attract the best companions. If I am not clear on what I want, I can't imagine what kind of vibe I send out. I think on any given day it can be something like: Independent, don't need you, I still don't know how to put air in my tires, I'll pay for my own dinner, wanna come over but you better leave, I know you're a dick just like the rest of them, funny, serious, nice, mean, I will not get hurt again, oh just forget it.

Lynn has told me to make a list and I keep avoiding it. Here, why I don't I do it now.

Smart

Funny

Likes to read

Tall 

Good oral hygiene

Kind to children, animals and service staff in restaurants and bars

Digs music

Politics do not have to be exactly like mine, but they can not be polar opposite

Spiritual--you know I don't write about that on my blog--that's for you Scott! (:

I'll add more later!

So Much to Say...

I have not had much time to blog since my efforts are focusing blow out my numbers with work.  I've had so much in my head and I will put it in one post to consolidate my moves...Let's see:

• I got contacts for the first time this week. Learning to put them in reminds me of learning to insert a tampon!
• Reminds me of when I was in nursing school. I was waiting tables and a really nice girl, well she was a lady, waited tables with me. One busy lunch she came to me with teary eyes and said, "Penelope, I can't get my diaphragm out." My first thought was, "who the hell uses a diaphragm in 1990?" Then I thought, "why me?" being the take charge chick that I am, I said follow me to the bathroom now. I put her in one stall and I got in the one next to her. I stood on the toilet and called out plays over the partition.  "Put your thumb like this. Crouch. Get thumb under it. Deep breath. Pull!" We had success. I told her to wash her hands and I ran out into my station. I had 4 tables that had been sat and they were all PISSED. Next time your server is no where to be found, consider, she may be instructing a friend on diaphragm removal...
• The mining accident. How does that happen in 2010? I had Hazard, KY in my territory years ago. I remember driving up the winding road with the rep that covered that area. The doctor in the emergency room told us we should not spend the night and that we needed to drive back to Lexington RIGHT NOW. He said they averaged 2-4 patients gorked on crystal meth every night. Very sad. It still amazes me that the quality of life varies so much in our country.
• Computer Feng Shui. I just had to look that up and I spelled it right! I had a shrink appointment this week. We talked about stress. I described how I get home, get mail out of mailbox, unlock door, open said mail. go to home computer, pay bills online, read and reply to emails, walk in kitchen, type password in on work lap top, read and then respond to work emails. My home lap top is in my little office. I keep my work lap top on the bar in my (not sure what to call this room) family room? T.V. room? Cat Lounging Area? The name of the room doesn't matter, but the placement of the computer does. It is like a big annoying zit. It is quiet but it is ugly and it hurts. Lynn suggested that I come in after work and be still. Still. I know the meaning of the word. I'm not sure how to be...STILL. She also told me to move the computer.
• Dating men in their 50's-I had a girl's breakfast meeting today and we talked about our favorite subject--MEN. I have this mental block against guys over 50. How assholish is that? I'm 45! I do have some kind of skewed belief that older men are boring, we would have nothing in common, they can't get it up and they have saggy butts! I'm so shallow! (and so are my friends). Let's just say my therapist has job security...
• Going back to the computer thing--Have you ever turned your cell and lap top off? It's heaven. When I went to the UK a couple of months ago, I turned my phone off (because the rates were so high). It was weird at first. I was like a crack head without my pipe. As the days went on, I found that it was nice. 
• Speaking of crack--I started drinking Coca-Cola again. I'm back on the shit. I convinced myself I needed the caffeine kick when I was at a meeting a couple of weeks ago. I am going to replace the Coke™ with Wine™.
• That reminds me...do you need to replace one bad habit with another or can one completely kick the habit? Another post for another day.

Passwords

I try to keep the same one for everything so I won't forget it. I know, I know...the experts say to change the password often, have letters, numbers and special characters. I've got one for my 4 different email addresses, my online banking, to get on this blog and edit, Facebook, Sephora, iTunes, home alarm, Amazon, my work BlackBerry, my home computer, my work computer and probably 10 other websites. I love it when after 3 months you have to change your password according to company policy. Now my old tried and true password is replaced by my new tried and true password. I don't remember which has the new password and which has the old password. Don't get me started on the ones that have to be at least 6 characters--not to be confused with the ones that have to be 5 or less characters. 

I have tried to make up passwords that are positive and inspirational. Remember "Love" being the password Carrie's assistant had on her computer in the Sex in the City movie? Love is too easy. It ends up being annoying once I add some numbers and an exclamation point to my inspirational password. Imagine typing in something like peace!69 over and over. It just doesn't work...

I think my friend has it right. On her phone the password is simple--"fuckwad".

Concise

Unforgettable

No One Will EVER guess it

Healing with Books

I went to hear Connie May Fowler speak yesterday. She is a great Florida author that writes about some really dark subjects, but in a funny way (see why I like her?). The talk was held in the building where Mise En Place restaurant now stands. It used to be an really run down apartment building. Connie lived there in the late 80's while she went to the University of Tampa on a scholarship. I had recently reread her memoir for the 3rd time. She described the scenery off Kennedy Blvd back in the late 80's. It has been cleaned up considerably. I remember when I first moved into Hyde Park at that time and there was the Hyde Park Rapist. It was a scary place. Now it is where all the rich folk live. 

There was a huge turnout for her presentation. I noticed that Connie became tearful numerous times during the Q & A period. I could see that being back in the building where she was abused and watched her Mother drink herself to death was getting to her. One of my goals in this blog is to turn shitty personal stories to just stories. Sometimes I will test it. I go back and read the stories about figuring out that John cheated or the way I felt when I first moved back to Tampa. I no longer get anxious. It's just words. I was still so intrigued how upset she seemed being back in Tampa. I raised my hand to ask a question. I told her I had just reread her memoir and I found that reading her story made me anxious for her--my hands would sweat and my heart would race as I read about the abusive asshole she lived with during the 80s. I told her I had once read a quote that an author deals with heartbreak by making the story into literature. I asked her when she reread experts from her memoir did she find that they still upset her or was it now literature? I don't recall her exact answer--it was very eloquent, but she essentially said she is back in the feeling when she reads it.

It made me wonder if I can ever completely escape the memories? Perhaps I can not compare myself to Connie. Her memories are in her stories. Her stories are her love and they are how she makes her living.

Ironically, rereading her memoir, Before Katie Wakes, brought up some really horrible memories for me. I had left home at 17 and moved with a boyfriend who was very abusive (he conveniently hid this until after I lived with him for 6 months). I'm going to have to think about whether I want to write about him. I escaped him when I was 21. Thank God for the 2 really nice guys that followed him. Through the years memories of my time with this guy would crop up and I would immediately suppress them. I remember reading Before Women Had Wings and Before Katie Wakes and having the revelation that I could put this shit in the past. It was really great to hear Connie May Fowler speak yesterday. As she signed my book, I leaned over and whispered something in her ear. It made her smile really big. It's like when you make a wish when you blow out your birthday candles. I will never tell what I said.

The Meaning of Easter

This is according to my niece's 3 year old son (that would make him my great nephew)...

He was in a hole with a rock over it.

He kicked the rock.

Then he jumped on Easter!

Wanting to be Someone Else

I was getting my roots done yesterday and my hair stylist told me her other client was in nursing school. She introduced us and the youngster was intrigued by the fact that I was a nurse and I no longer worked in the hospital. She pummeled me with questions (when all I wanted to do was read People and get the latest on Sandra and Jesse). She asked me for a business card. I thought about saying I didn't have one with me, but I'm not a good liar. She saw my life and job as quite glamourous. Little did she know that I had just left a restaurant where my friend and I were plotting how to find new jobs that were not in sales. I wonder how many times a day I do things to be someone other than me on the outside:

• I blow my hair out to get it straight. I also have a flat iron I use to get it really straight.
• I've spent more money in my lifetime on self tanner than I've spent on food.
• I get my brows waxed monthly  and everywhere else is lasered smooth.

It is funny, as she told me how hard it was being in school, I had to smile. I remember waiting tables while I went to nursing school. It was probably one of the least stressful times of my life. I lived with my boyfriend. The rent was $475. We split bills, but he often paid more (I thank him for that). I was still naive about life and medical care. I thought physicians were smart and infallible. Now it mortgage, property taxes, homeowners insurance, Blue Cross(which sucks ass by the way), Verizon, AT&T, City of Tampa, Tampa Electric, American Express. Most physicians are overworked, stressed out and make mistakes. My world view has changed dramatically. I would love to go back to going into work and my only goal was to make $100 and get out in time to meet my friends.

As my new friend was walking out I wished her luck on her state boards. I told her to enjoy this time in her life. She rolled her eyes like I was wacked. 

This Blog will Self Destruct in 5 Minutes

Okay, I have tried to stay away from blogging about cheating. But I-JUST-CAN'T-STOP-MYSELF! Today I heard about a new app for cell phones called Tiger Tracks™ (it felt good to use the ™...it's been so long). It is an app that deletes the texts as soon as the receiver reads it. It is so Mission Impossible. Perfect for the Cheater who has everything. Don't know what to buy the Liar for their birthday? Try Tiger Text™!

http://www.tigertext.com/

Okay and what about Jesse James checking in to rehab (rumored to be Sex Rehab). He doesn't need rehabilitation, he needs self discipline. You all know that I love Sandra Bullock. I read that he had unprotected sex weeks after he married her (sound familiar?) I hope she kicks his nasty, tattooed ass to the curb with the trash!

Sex Addiction? Whatever. I am so tired of that being used as an excuse for cheating. Segue...I have corresponded with Annie over the last month (mother of John's boys). I don't feel right delving into this too deep, but that poor woman has been undergoing major therapy because she having backlash from the ManGroomer. Her husband (who is a gem) was transferred to Houston a few months ago and has been commuting until the twins graduate next month. Annie has been having major trust issues. Not because of her husband but, because of the numerous times John cheated on her. She had to list the top 10 worst events in her life for her therapist. 8 of them were John related (this is from a woman who has lost 2 siblings to cancer and her father is deceased). She has been doing similar work to what I do with Lynn of replacing the shitty memories with good memories. How sad is it that this is still coming up for her? She's been divorced from him for 15 years.

So...to tie this post up with a nice little bow--just like the messages on Mission Impossible, I wish memories of AssClowns would self destruct in 5 minutes!

Online Murder

I am smoking pissed. I was just watching a thing about the couple in Korea that were so addicted to online gaming that they neglected their real life baby and she died. The goal of the online game they are addicted to is to keep an anime bullshit thing alive and she gets special powers. WHAT THE FUCK!? And to make it even more disgusting, the woman is pregnant with a second child. Why do these people procreate? They are thinking of giving them only 5 years in prison. Urggggghhhh

Just Kidding

I didn't see any really good April Fools' Day pranks today. It made me think of an expression that I can't stand..."Just Kidding!" It is usually said right after someone says something nasty to you. Or if they ask you to do something and they see the look of horror on your face. Anytime someone says, "Just Kidding" (it is usually in an annoying voice) I immediately know they are telling the truth.