Fit and Fat™

Have you heard that term on the news or in the magazines? It kinda makes my skin crawl. You know why?--I think I fall into that category. I religiously go to Pilates a few times a week and I have muscle...covered by a protective layer of 10-15 pounds of fat. 

I was always skinny. When I was little my Mom would whip up dresses on the sewing machine for us. When I was 5 years old, my measurements were 20/20/20. I remember wearing pants that were size 0's in high school. Here I am rocking the all white for prom:

Ahh...Jimmy. My first short boy in a list of many (and I like tall guys!). Thank goodness for Ortho-Novum 1/50s!

And more white for my wedding to the Duke when I was 30:

 

Those arms are crazy, creepy skinny. I remember my Mom sitting me down and  telling me I was too skinny. I wasn't even trying to be skinny. I just was. I think I wore a 34 A then...

I gained a bit after I married the Duke. Me at 33. He was so cute. He had a hole in his heart was repaired and he had been in and out of the hospital. I was taking an arterial line out and he kept saying, "No more pokers!, No more pokers!"

I probably have deleted every picture of me during the time John and I dated and were married, so my late 30's and early 40's don't exist in photos. Something happened around 38. I noticed that I had to buy 8's instead of 6's. I traveled constantly for work. I would eat crap food at the airport, drink lots of coke to stay awake and finish the night with crap room service. Forget working out while on the road. I was always too exhausted. A vicious cycle.

So here I am at 45. I can put my legs over my head and do all kinds of rock star Pilates moves but I wear a size that has 2 digits. On the bright side I'm now a 38 D!

I need to find a balance between looking all Auschwitz and Biggest Loser. Okay, that was extreme, but you get what I'm saying. It is weird. I know what I need to do. Cardio. I have an elliptical in my office. It is behind me, mocking me right now. I think there is a fear. What if I lose the 10-15 lbs, and I still don't meet a boy? I think I convince myself that guys are not attracted to me because I now have to buy "L" t-shirts. My rational side knows that is crazy talk, but...it doesn't stop me from thinking it.

I took today off. I am starting a new Penelope routine. I am committing to doing cardio at least 4X/week. I am going to kick Mr. Elliptical's ass!

I must comply now  that I have put this out to the Universe (via the Internet).