I just woke up with my fists clenched and tears on my face. I woke up earlier this morning and fed Daisy, read the paper, ate breakfast, read a book and then fell asleep again. I had the worst nightmare I think I've ever had. I'm writing it down before I forget any gruesome detail.
I had gotten back together with John. The movers had just left the house. I moved back into the house we had when we were married, but it had been moved. It was out in the country next to a barn with horses and it was beachfront (That has always been my best of both worlds dream). John was outside talking to the house movers (in dreams you can move a 5,000 square foot two-story home) and telling them one of the rooms was slanted. They were figuring out how to fix it. I was in the master bedroom figuring out where to put my clothes. The drawers were filled with wetsuits (someone analyze that). I pulled out another drawer that was full of porn magazines and Harlequin Romance novels. The novels were in cellophane wrap. 3 books wrapped together and there were at least 10 stacks. I am sure there was meaning that the porn magazines were crumbled and used while the romance novels were wrapped and never open.
I walked from room to room and everything looked like it did when I lived there. (I did specific work with my therapist about a year ago of redecorating those rooms in my mind. I kept seeing the house in my mind and she felt this would help me move on. It did, until this morning...) I started to think to myself, "I can't believe I'm back here. My life is in Tampa. I hate it here. I hate him." I decided to lie down. John came in and talked to me like he always did, "Baby, do you feel alright?' At that point I was crying (in the dream and probably for real). He started to tell me how Pao had changed and got her boobs done and her eyes done (you know how Asians get their eyes done to look less Asian?) He also told me she had cheated on him and had given him STDs. Plural. I listened quietly and then I realized I was most likely in a STD ridden bed. I asked what she gave him and he said chlamydia, crabs and "some kinda fungus." He said he thought he was cured and then he pulled down his boxers and looked to see if he could "see" anything. I noticed his Johnson was bigger than it was before. I asked what happened. He said he had surgery. (Even my dreams are funny). I jumped up and said I was going to sit outside.
When I was outside I remember the grass being really green. Sulie was sitting next to me asking me why I was back with John again (The landscape was definitely not Louisiana, but I was with John and I don't know how Sulie got there). I don't remember my answer. I just remember panic. I kept thinking, "why am I here again?"
At that point, I was woken up by Daisy sniffing my face. I had fingernail marks in both hands where I was clenching my fists so tight and wet eyes. I looked around the room and saw I was in my bed. I saw the Florida sun peeking through the slants of the blinds. Daisy ran to the door (she GOTS TO PEE) and we went outside. Just like Dorothy clicked her heels and was back in Kansas, I was thrilled to know my ass had never left Florida.
I don't know what triggered that horrific dream. I did not drink last night, I watched a chick flick, Serendipity, before bed. Maybe it was the post about Living a Lie? That is the most thought I had put into John for quite a while. I also found an extra garage clicker and keys to the house in Lafayette this week. I emailed one of my friends and got the new owners' names. I sent them the clicker with a nice note. I remember paying 50 bucks for it. I figured they could use it. I still have the keys (there is also keys to the camp on the key chain). I think I need to do some type of ritual with them. I thought about flinging them into the gulf, but I was told that was not respectful to Mother Nature. It's too hot to start a fire and to try to melt them in my fireplace. I could take them down to The Keys and leave them in odd rooms at Hemingway's House. I welcome any letting go of the keys ceremony ideas.
