Breaking Up is Hard To Do

I'm talking about with girl friends. I've had a few break-ups over the past few years. One was a friend from middle school. Another was a friend I made as an adult. I struggle with the "what to do" when it comes to friend break-ups. 

With the friend from middle school I tried to talk to her. I told her we didn't have much in common (the fact that I didn't want to get stoned every night and I actually worked was a problem). She got defensive. She wanted to stay together. Her Father had recently died. I felt bad. I stayed in the relationship for all the wrong reasons (mainly guilt). One night she met a guy in a bar and blew him in an empty dining room (I can't not make this shit up People). I told her I was concerned for her safety. She told me I was judgmental.  Eventually we just stopped calling each other. 

The next one was someone I met as a nurse. We were very close for several years, but it was always lopsided. I felt like I put a lot more effort forth in the relationship. I made excuses that she had kids and her husband was dead wood.  It started to get to me. I tried to talk to her about it. I was a wimp and not as clear as I am now. She told me she was sorry. We "stayed together" (again for all the wrong reasons). Our lives were really different. We eventually stopped calling each other. We got back together after I moved back to Tampa a couple of years ago. It is a long story, but it was a mutual friend/acquaintance that brought us together. It was like old times. The first time we got together she talked the whole time and then apologized for being toxic. I reasoned that it would be better the next time. Every time we got together I felt that same lopsided feeling from years before. I made excuses that she was going through an ugly divorce and that she was stressed. Then I got tired. I wrote her an email explaining that I felt like our relationship was lopsided. She wrote back immediately that she didn't agree. Long story short--she didn't pick up the phone. She emailed and texted me to see if we could get together. I responded at first and then I got frustrated. If she wanted to see me or if she cared, why not pick up the phone? You guessed it...we no longer talk. I heard through the grapevine that she said I was "doing just like before" (i.e. just dropping her). 

Breaking up with girl friends is not that different than breaking up with guys. The lines get crossed, communication is skewed and feelings get hurt. I bet it never crossed her mind that she only talked about herself, monopolized every conversation and when I spoke up, she didn't even try to talk to me.

This post is not so much about my old girl friends but the "what to do" when a friendship is dying. People change and I believe that your core group of friends remain while others (the not so close ones) come and go. Why is there such taboo? I have a friend right now that comes and goes. She lives in another state and seems to only call me when she needs help with a computer issue or job search. I told her I was worried about my job since my company had been bought. She proceeded to complain about her day. WWOD (what would Oprah™ do?)  Should I have addressed it right then with a feeling statement, "It makes me feel bad when I tell you something big is bothering me and you bring it back to you." OR I could try, "I can't believe how self centered you are. Fuck you!" and hang up. OR what I did, politely end the call, call my sister and recount the story with WTFs? and now she has called me this week and I don't want to call her back. Ugh. It is exhausting. Seriously, how does Oprah break up with a friend that is no longer a friend? 

Penelope Disclaimer: Whenever I post about friendship, a couple of you call me and say "was it me?". No Polly, it is not you (: Ironically, the out of state friend never reads the blog (she is too busy).