My Therapist's View on The BLOG

I had an appointment with my therapist today. I told her about the blog and we discussed if it was good or bad (my choice of words). She told me that when she counsels people who have experienced trauma, the goal is to get to a point where they can tell what happened just like they are telling a story. No reliving the emotions and physical responses of the original event. I liked that. One of my first posts I described that it felt like I was writing fiction (sadly it is all true).  The only time I felt upset was when I went through the old texts from the boys.  What do I call them? Step-sons?  Ex Step-Sons? "The boys" works for me. It made me sad for them because their father is so damaged. They have a great Mother, but they are exposed to him. (Sidebar--after I left, the boys would only stay with John on the weekends if he went to the camp. He ended up moving in with Pao after our house sold. Annie would not let her boys live there). It also made me sad because I don't have biological children of my own. My Father died when I was 11 and my Mother kinda shut down. Sulie and I would have to fend for ourselves for dinner.  Sulie learned to cook and I rebelled. I can remember the first few months after I moved to Lafayette. Sitting down as a family for dinner made me really anxious. The boys loved to ask me questions. They liked to sit after everyone was finished and talk. I would shovel my food in and jump up to do the dishes.  It was way too intimate for me! In high school I ate cereal or pizza (come to think of it I still do that). I talked to John about it and he encouraged me to sit and talk and to not be afraid (yes, there were a few redeeming qualities).The boys loved to play a game called Table Topics.  It is a box with a deck of cards that has various questions. The idea is to get the group talking. There are all kinds of versions--for families, kids, adults.  It is really good.  http://www.tabletopics.com/

One night a question came up about how their parents met. I had also bought a set as a gift for Annie's house. They said they had gotten that question while they were eating with Annie and her husband. J (the oldest) brought up the fact that John and Annie had been married twice. Can you imagine if I had never known and I learned about it over dinner in front of the boys vs. over draft beer in Death Valley (that would be the LSU stadium for all my girlie girls out there)?  Oy.

So back to how I feel when I write this stuff. I just had memories of eating dinner with the boys and it made me smile. The twins loved to cook and we would get out cookbooks and try new things.I was traveling one year when it was John's birthday.  I wrote out a recipe for Shrimp Scampi and got the ingredients before I left.  I remember writing "saute" (that means move shrimp back and forth with spatula).  They opened a bottle of wine and videotaped the dinner presentation for me. It was really sweet.

Sometimes if I get all deep thoughts and start to wonder........whatisthemeaningandwhydidIendupwithhim?
I think it is because of the boys. I got to experience a taste of parenting and a different kind of love. I also learned how to eat crawfish really fast, ride a jet ski, dance in a Zydeco bar and be part of a Mardi Gras Krewe.

My intent is not to get back at him when I write this. I have written how staying stuck didn't work for me. When I think of John now it is a kind of detached numbness. When I think of Pao it is the same thing. I spoke to her one night for a couple of hours (I know I have been holding out--I had forgotten about it).  I called her before Christmas (yes, pre-Vienna). She answered and said, ''what do you want?'' I told her I just wanted to understand. She was very polite. Apologetic.  Described a man that heavily pursued her and promised everlasting love. That is how I knew she had been in my house and car.  She was so full of self doubt.  The lack of confidence was palpable. I hung up and realized that he had attracted his mental and emotional equal. I mean that sincerely. It made sense that he was attracted to someone so young. It all added up. She is just beginning her journey. She was already questioning her own red flags. I told her I was not the one to guide her. The last time I spoke to Annie over the summer she told me that Pao and John still lived together.  None of that mattered.  What matters was me moving on.